(The following is an article I originally wrote several years ago, but it contains thoughts worth re-visiting occasionally.) There is a well-known tale (with numerous creative and humorous variations) of a mother being scrutinized by her young child as she prepares a ham dinner. The child questions why Mom cuts the end off the ham before she cooks it. Mom pauses, and admits that she does it because that’s the way her mother always did it. Together they decide to ask Grandma why she always cuts the end off the ham before she cooks it. Grandma seems surprised by the question, as she replies, “I cut the end off because I’ve never had a pan large enough to accommodate the whole ham!”

We have many traditions, rules, and routines in our homes, schools, and workplaces. They exist for many reasons, including safety, pleasure, efficiency, custom, organization, etc. Often young children, or individuals with autism spectrum disorders (ASD), are the first to question the existence of these traditions, rules, and routines. Frequently, their questions of “why” are met with, “Because I said so,” or “Because that’s the way we do it,” or even, “Because that’s the rule!” While their questioning may appear impertinent, often they are not trying to be difficult, but genuinely desire more information as they struggle to make sense of their social environment. As we pause while seeking to provide a truthful response to their request, we may discover a valid explanation that satisfies both of us, or we may find, as the mother in the example of the ham dinner did, that we do not have a good reason for adhering to a particular tradition, rule, or routine.

Social insight and understanding is not simply about getting others to understand what we want them to do. Sometimes it’s more about looking at ourselves and understanding why we do what we do, and whether it makes sense to do it that way. Sometimes our rather rigid means of carrying out tasks or responsibilities has more to do with the way we were taught (or our own learning style or preferences and what worked best for us) than it does about a true need to accomplish the task in a prescribed manner. Recognizing this may help us put the focus back on the end goal rather than struggling to control the process which gets us there. The resulting flexibility may open doors to greater creativity and productivity!

Best wishes as you continue to promote true social insight and understanding!

At the beginning of the summer, our teenage son went on a fishing excursion with some friends. We had heard stories of their previous fishing exploits, including catching dozens of fish that could be cooked and eaten or frozen after every trip.

The day looked promising. The morning was clear and calm, and the guys enjoyed a beautiful sunrise on the water. The charter captain had fifteen lines in the water as they slowly trolled through areas known for abundant results.

By the end of the morning, they had enjoyed abundant conversation, but had only one small fish to show for their efforts. We grilled it and turned it into a delicious dip for crackers, but it didn’t exactly stretch to create a meal. Our son had a wonderful time, undeterred by the meager catch for the day. We were thankful for the 15 lines in the water that day, recognizing that without them, we wouldn’t have had even one fish!

I think there are many areas of life where it is important to at least “have lines in the water” if we hope to “catch” anything. Often, a particular process may seem daunting, and may take considerable time to note progress or celebrate success. Yet there are things we can do to increase our opportunities for “catching” what we are pursuing. Consider these:

-       SECURING EMPLOYMENT: Although a person may need only one job, it may take multiple (dozens or more…?) of applications submitted before being chosen by an employer.

-       MAKING FRIENDS: It can take countless friendly gestures (smiles, greetings, questions, compliments time spent with a person) before a friendship blossoms. Although we may extend these overtures to many people, more than likely not all will become friends.

-       Can you think of other examples? I hope you’ll email them to me or comment on Facebook or share them below.

Sometimes it’s tempting to assume we’re doing something wrong when we aren’t successful at something we’re trying to achieve. I first try to remind myself that I “won’t catch anything if I don’t have a line in the water,” and make sure I am “putting myself out there” where I am more likely to succeed. Then I have to remind myself to be patient and persistent, as some of these things take time, and may be dependent on other conditions outside of my control.

What are you “fishing” for? I’m wishing you patience and persistence as you continue to put “lines in the water,” preparing for your success!

A few weeks ago I shared a thought-provoking quote from Doreen: I have become very confused about social interactions with anyone. We try to portray ourselves to others in ways that are positive (a nicely wrapped package), but when does that become hypocrisy? What does humility look like? (Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility....)  How can we handle words that come across to us as critical and offensive in ways that do not hurt others?  Can a person become too honest in an effort to avoid being a hypocrite?

Suzanne took time to contribute her insights: As a partial answer to Doreen's questions, I would like to offer a suggestion. As we work on becoming more Christlike and learning to embody the qualities from the Sermon on the Mount, we do not have to become a doormat for people who consciously or unconsciously want to take advantage of us. I would recommend the book Boundaries, by Christian psychologists Drs..Henry Cloud and John Townsend. Another book that comes to mind with practical advice, though not necessarily from a Christian perspective is Asperger's and Girls, a compilation of advice and first person account.

Rosa shared (all the way from Hong Kong, reminding us that these struggles—and helpful insights-- are universal): When we interact with people, we can be honest, true and humble at the same time. There are different ways for us to be honest in an effort to avoid being a hypocrite. For example, if someone did something inappropriate, we can say, "can you think of another way to handle this?" instead of "this is wrong. You did the inappropriate thing again!" In this way, we can stimulate the person to consider other possibilities to manage the situation instead of focusing on the fact that he/she did wrong again. At the same time, we are not portraying ourselves to be the expert guru pointing a critical finger at the person who made a mistake. If we remain honest, tactful and humble, the relationship will not be spoiled and interaction and communication can be sustained.  

In thinking about this for the last few weeks, I think one way to look at it is that we achieve this through “effective authenticity.” I have often written about two kinds of responses: Authentic responses, and Socially Effective responses. I believe we are the most effective in our interactions with others when we are authentic in loving them and being who God created us to be (think of I Corinthians 13, the fruits of the Spirit, the Greatest Commandment). But as we respect the fact that they, too, are created in God’s image, yet are affected by sin, we should temper our interactions with grace, mercy, and forgiveness.

Although Christ was the epitome of love and sacrifice, even He was angered by injustice, and defended truth and vulnerable populations. His choices showed evidence of very healthy, Godly boundaries as He interacted with people from a variety of backgrounds. “Speaking the truth in love” sometimes means sharing difficult information which may end up hurting someone, but for the purpose of building up others and promoting truth.

Thanks to everyone who has taken time to share your insights! I love to hear from you, and appreciate the opportunity to learn from and pass your insights along to others. I hope we can continue to incite (encourage/prompt) each other toward effective social interactions that help ourselves and others to grow personally and interpersonally as we “nourish, grow, connect, and contribute!”

Although I had written an article I planned to send today, a few days ago something happened that “incited” me to write something different that I hope will bless you and “incite” you to follow suit.

Last week I wrote about “Seeing the Similarities” between ourselves and people who might otherwise be “different” from us. I think that often when we focus on differences, we have a tendency to see those differences, (related to social or financial status, age, gender, abilities, training, or something else), as inferior to us, which gets us “stuck” in our current perceptions and opportunities. Focusing on similarities, or learning to appreciate differences, helps us to grow personally and interpersonally.

On Thursday, as my husband Steve and I were leaving a class that we had just finished teaching, we were approached by a young man. He introduced himself as “Peter,”, asked how many more weeks we would be teaching, told us we were “doing a great job,” followed us out the door, and asked if he could pray for us. Right there on the sidewalk, he placed a hand on each of us, and prayed the most beautiful prayer for protection, direction, and wisdom. When he finished, he asked us to pray for him, too. Steve prayed, and then Peter asked me to pray for him, too.

The world would say that Peter has a “cognitive disability” and a “physical disability.” He has likely spent most of his life in special education, and is currently working in a sheltered workshop with other people with “significant disabilities.” Yet he gave us the most thoughtful, generous gift of his time, attention, and desire to offer up a sacrifice of praise to the Lord.

I have never had a person “without disabilities” offer me this gift. In pondering that this weekend, I’ve wondered how I can follow Peter’s example and be quicker to offer similar gifts to people, not because they’re family or friends, not because I’ve been assigned to work with them, not because they’ve done something to deserve it, but because I’ve been “incited” to reach out to bless others.

How about you? Peter offered us what he could. It made me think of the Biblical Peter, who said to the lame man in Acts 3:6, “Silver or gold I do not have, but what I do have I give you…”

Pass it on…may we all follow Peter’s example this week, responding to his “incite” to reach out and bless others. And in turn, may you be richly blessed!

I first became interested in autism when I was in eighth grade and researched the topic for a writing assignment. My interest grew through college and my early years teaching first grade and working with students with a wide variety of academic, social, and emotional strengths and challenges. From 1998 through 2012 I led The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding, a nonprofit organization dedicated to improving social understanding between people with and without autism.

Over the years, I’ve become convinced that there are more similarities than differences between people with autism (or any type of “difference,” including physical, emotional, mental, financial, etc.) and those without. At our core, all people are unique individuals with hopes, dreams, abilities, fears, beliefs, interests, experiences, feelings, and trials. Interacting effectively with each other presents challenges for all of us.

When I started Social Incites, LLC in 2012, I wanted to emphasize that everyone, myself included, needs “social coaching”…not just those with autism or other disabilities. It’s tempting to think that the reason a social interaction breaks down is because of the other person, especially when that person has a social cognitive deficit like autism. But the reality is that sometimes it’s our own inflexibility, preconceived ideas, desires, distractedness, judgmental attitude, insecurity, or pride that gets in the way of the interaction “working.” We all need other people in our lives to correct and assist us (peer-coaching), just as we need to be coaching ourselves (self-coaching) to be friendly, kind, flexible, considerate, humble, honest, generous, patient, etc.

I hope that as you read my insights each week, you’ll be incited (prompted) to do something different, something more, perhaps something radical which will help you grow personally, but also interpersonally as you connect with others. And whether you’re interacting with people you perceive as “like you” or “different from you,” I hope you will be an encouragement to them as you model and promote love, acceptance, and socially effective interactions.

I have been so blessed through the last week by the outpouring of emails from readers after last week’s Social Incites™ article, “Just Like Daddy!” Thank you to everyone who took time to write…I pray that I will be able to encourage and bless all of you as you have done for me this week.

With her permission, I am sharing a thought-provoking quote from one reader, Doreen:

I promised her that I would be wrestling with these questions and praying for wisdom and insight along with her. I’d love to hear from all of you! How would you answer these questions? What would God have us learn as we struggle with this dilemma together?  

I hope you’ll take time this week to ponder these questions, pray about them, talk with others about them, search the Scriptures, observe social interactions around you (effective and ineffective), and then take time to share your insights and observations with me. If we have just a couple, I’ll print them in next week’s article. If we have too many for that, I’ll create a place for them on our web site. More than that? Wouldn’t that be exciting! I guess we’ll see what God wants us to do with those…

Wishing you a week of insights that incite you to go deeper and to get more connected with others!

My three-year-old son is in a fun stage where he wants to do everything, “Just like Daddy!” I took this photo last week when they went running together. Noah carefully selected “running clothes” that resembled what my husband was wearing, and proceeded to take his shoes to Daddy’s chair so that he could put them on the same way his daddy does (even though he could barely reach). He tries to ride bike, floss his teeth, read books, eat, use tools, and tell stories “just like Daddy!”

Fortunately, I’m not missing out on the opportunity to be a positive influence on our son. Noah started preschool last week. As I was praising him for sharing with the other students, listening quietly during story time, following the rules, and respecting his teacher, I asked, “How did you get to be so smart?” He responded, “I got it from you, Mom!”

My husband and I delight in each of the little evidences that Noah is watching us. The reality is that all of us are often role models for people around us. Our own children, or students, or neighbors, or even people we pass casually on the streets, are watching us. Do we model acceptance, respect, kindness, empathy, trust, compassion, encouragement, joy, and love?

I have been increasingly convinced, especially in the last few weeks, of the need to do things just like my Daddy—my Heavenly Father. I hope and pray that the interactions you have with me, whether through reading this weekly article, following our Facebook page, perusing our web site, reading one of the books we’ve authored, accessing our coaching and consulting services, emailing me privately, or simply passing me on the street, would be God-inspired and Spirit-filled. My gifts come from my Father, and I desire to use them for His glory, and to bless the people He brings into my life each and every day.

I do so very imperfectly. I often interact with others in ways that cause pain or confusion. I regret the times that I may have gotten in the way of others seeing Christ because of my busyness, my ego, or my devotion to my own plan. Know that I don’t expect perfection from you, nor does our Heavenly Father. We are all imperfect vessels, but when filled with His glory, we can accomplish amazing things for Him!

If you don’t have that assurance, that purpose, that joy, my deepest desire is that you would find that yet today. Why wait another day to experience the love of the Father, and the confidence that you, too, can be “just like your Daddy?” I welcome the opportunity to talk with you and to pray with you. Otherwise I hope you’ll find someone in your community who loves the Lord and who desires to share that love with you.

Imagine the difference we can make in our homes, schools, workplaces, communities…and ultimately around the world…when each of us is trying to be “Just like Daddy!”

Today in the United States we celebrated “Labor Day.” Many businesses and government entities were closed and workers had the day off. Other employees worked to keep restaurants, hospitals, and retail establishments open. Whether you worked or enjoyed a day off today, I hope you were able to celebrate the opportunity to work, whether at home, at school, in a paid or volunteer workplace, and other locations in the community!

As my husband and I work with young adults to prepare them for employment, we note a significant difference between those who were raised with a strong work ethic, and those who would rather not break a sweat, preferably on the couch with a video game, TV, or access to the Internet. We’re hearing from many employers, “Young people today just don’t want to work!”

There are many things that can help instill a strong work ethic in children and young people. Modeling the need and benefits to working hard, providing incentives and rewards, providing clear expectations and negative consequences for not meeting them, working without financial reward (at home or in the community) but talking about the other benefits (connections to others, feeling good about contributing, gaining experience and work references, etc.) are all ways to teach the value of hard work.

I had hoped to end this Social Incites™ article with a quote that summed up the importance of a good work ethic. However, I found so many good quotes that I was unable to choose just one. Instead, if you follow this link, you’ll read several good quotes from successful people who have learned the value of work.

Best wishes as you head back to whatever work awaits you this week…may it provide for your daily needs, help you grow, give opportunities to connect in meaningful ways with others, and provide satisfaction in knowing that you are contributing to others.

This summer my family and I had an adventure on the water. We had spent a wonderful weekend at a local marina on our boat with family and friends. The vacation was over, and we needed to get the boat out of the water and trailer it back home. We pulled away from the dock, and quickly discovered that the boat would only go in reverse. It wouldn’t go in neutral, and wouldn’t drive forward. My husband thought quickly, and managed to navigate backwards through the marina to a safe harbor where we could anchor out to await assistance. After a few phone calls, we ended up being towed back to the boat launch, and trailered the boat safely back home. We contacted the mechanic, and were told that it could take weeks to get the boat repaired, and that it would likely be very expensive.
 
My husband opened the cover of the outboard motor, and found a little hairpin cotter lying just inside. It was a seemingly delicate metal pin, only about an inch long, similar to the photo I’ve included. When the pin was originally installed, after being inserted through the two pieces it was designed to hold together, the two ends should have been bent in opposite directions like the letter "T". Instead, someone bent both ends the same direction, so that it formed an “L” shape. Over time, it had worked its way out of the hole, and as we backed away from the dock, it fell out, and the motor lost the ability to shift into other positions. It took my husband about a minute to put the pin back through the two holes and to bend the ends in separate directions. The repair cost us nothing.
 
It was amazing to me that a tiny little cotter pin could disable an entire boat and cause so much inconvenience for our family. As I marveled at that thought, it occurred to me that often it’s the “little things in life” that cause the biggest problems. They may be little things that we think are inconsequential, or that we don’t even notice until something goes wrong.
 
What are the “cotter pins” or “little things” in your life? What impact could they have if you ensure that they are addressed effectively? What could happen if they are neglected?
 
Consider these quotes:

• Live with wild, exceptional excellence in the small things…they are the very foundation of grand adventures.-Tsh Oxenrider, The art of Simple.net
• It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important.-Arthur Conan Doyle, The Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes
• It's dreadful what little things lead people to misunderstand each other.- L.M. Montgomery, Emily's Quest

Wishing you an enjoyable and successful week…in the big things as well as the little things!