Once I spoke to a group of middle school students about social understanding. I asked for a volunteer who was "very athletic." Everyone pointed at a brawny young man, who came willingly to the front of the room to aid in my demonstration. I then asked for the "most social" student. Again, the students immediately identified an animated young lady who smiled and skipped to the front of the room to join the class athlete.

I then handed a rope to the athlete and asked him to demonstrate to the class how to play tug-of-war. He struggled with the rope as he debated how to pull the ends in the same way that teams would do it in competition with one another. Soon his classmates began calling out, "He can't do it alone! He needs someone else!" I thanked him for his cooperation, and moved on to the class socialite.

My charge to the young lady was to ignore the presence of her audience, while demonstrating what it means to be social. She looked puzzled by the assignment, while classmates called out, "She can talk to herself!" I asked, "When was the last time you saw someone talking to herself and thought about what a social person she was?" They all laughed. This was followed by further debate and discussion about what it means to be social. I found that while many students can readily identify "social" when they see it, it's a much more difficult concept to define or to understand.

As we strive to teach social understanding, we cannot assume that our children or students understand the meaning of being "social," or the value or need for socialization! Many of them, especially if they have a form of autism, may need help developing specific strategies for understanding and interacting effectively with others, although we also need to be .

I remember a time when I tried to pry one of my sons away from his secluded reading spot by inviting him to "socialize with the rest of the family." When he looked at me quizzically, I explained that I wanted him to "be social" for awhile. When that also was met with a blank look, I realized that although I've devoted my career to teaching and promoting "social understanding," my own son didn't really know what the word "social" meant! My other son came to the rescue by defining "social" as "interacting with others," which we followed with an engaging conversation about the term, accompanied by specific examples.

I invite you to share your definitions of “social” on our Facebook page or on my Social Incites™ blog. And I encourage you to have discussions with your family, students, colleagues, and others regarding what it means to be “social” and “socially successful!”

The Gray Center is proud to be the official home of Carol Gray and Social Stories™! Social Stories™ are now accepted as “research-based,” and are known around the world to be a tool that can increase understanding and effectiveness for audiences with and without autism spectrum disorders.

I thought this would be a good opportunity for a refresher course on Social Stories(TM). First, questions about what a Social Story™ is, how it is written, how it is used, etc. can be answered through Carol Gray's "Social Stories™ 10.0," available for purchase as a download on our web site. This resource contains the complete guidelines and criteria for writing a Social Story(TM).

Often in my work with The Gray Center I see that people need help recognizing what ISN'T a Social Story™. First, if you're tempted to purchase a "social story" on a web site which offers to create a story for your child for a fee, or sells collections of stories they've written--whether or not they claim to use Carol Gray's guidelines--these are not likely Social Stories™. Carol Gray has two current books containing collections of Social Stories™: "My Social Stories Book" and "The New Social Story Book: Anniversary Edition" (with a CD that enables you to revise and print each Story for your own audience—see below for more information).  The Gray Center produced two years' worth of "The Social Stories Quarterly" which contain Social Stories™ and Social Articles (for older or more advanced audiences), which are now sold as pdf downloads. All of these resources are available on our web site.

If you read a story and any of the following are true, then it is possible that the story is NOT a Social Story(TM):

1) it sounds more like a "to do" list than a source of helpful information and suggestions;

2) you sense that it was written with a sole focus on eradicating a problem behavior;

3) it seems as if the goal of the story is to just get a child to comply with an adult's rules or expectations;

4) it contains negated verbs (i.e. not…);

5) there are first person statements - i.e. statements written in the child's "voice"- that refer to a child's mistake or negative behavior (the combination resulting in a self-depreciating statement);

6) it contains second person statements;

7) it contains the word "should";

8) you realize the stories for this child always provide new information, never applaud what the child currently does well;

9) there are statements that, if they were interpreted literally, would not be accurate or true, and/or

10) the title identifies a desired behavior, as in, "I Sit Quietly in my Desk."

If written according to the guidelines and criteria developed by Carol Gray, Stories will have a positive, respectful, reassuring quality, and will provide missing information to ensure social understanding, not rote compliance. In addition, half of all Stories written for an individual must applaud something that person currently does well.

You'll notice that references to Social Stories are followed by the trademark symbol (TM). Carol Gray, as the developer of this valuable tool, has the right to trademark. She welcomes assistance in sharing information about Social Stories(TM) through college theses, newsletter articles, school in-services, etc. However, only Carol Gray, her "Writing Social Stories(TM) with Carol Gray" DVD, the "Social Stories(TM) 10.0" mentioned previously, and members of "Team Social Stories(TM)" can be utilized as formal training to learn to write Social Stories(TM). Those approved Team members are listed on our web site. This protocol is followed to ensure that parents and professionals are getting the proper training to develop and utilize Social Stories(TM) in a way that benefits the individuals for whom they're written, and to maintain the integrity of the tool. More information about the trademark can be found on our web site.

Finally, The Gray Center is starting a project of compiling YOUR effective Social Stories™, and we hope to make these available to parents and professionals in the near future! 

Are you familiar with the saying, “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder?” It’s a great reminder that what one person perceives as “beauty” may be very different from what another person thinks is beautiful. I’m reminded of that every time I visit an art museum. I wish I had more creative ability when it comes to putting visual images on canvas. But sometimes I can’t help but wonder how a particular piece could have ended up displayed at a famous museum, as I muse, “I could have done that!”

Not only beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So are many social characteristics, such as usefulness, helpfulness (I wrote about that a couple of weeks ago), and even “social” itself! Often, we may have an opinion of how we’re doing socially, yet it’s others (the “beholders”) who determine whether or not we’re successful.

The key to understanding this is in accepting that we each have our own unique CONTEXT, made up of our own experiences and how we feel about them, our knowledge, interests, abilities, personality, and more. Our unique individual CONTEXT becomes the “lens” through which we behold all of life. We make judgments about other people and situations based on our own CONTEXT. This is the basis of my educational tool, “The Social Response Pyramid™.”

It’s important to understand this, for two reasons. First, we need to identify and appreciate—and work to meet-- the expectations that others have for us. Those “beholders” will help determine our success! Second, we need to understand that others’ unique CONTEXTS may color the way they perceive and interact with us, and as we remind ourselves that our social success is “in the eye of the beholder,” we can be more gentle with ourselves and others as we consider the meaning of social success.

I hope we can all be “gentle beholders” as we consider the beauty, usefulness, helpfulness, and social success of ourselves and others this week!

Earlier this year, I wrote a Social Incites entitled, “First Year Lessons for Lifelong Success.” It detailed four components-- “nourishing, growing, connecting, and contributing”--that I believe are necessary for healthy, well-balanced living, and deliberate personal and interpersonal growth.
 
My husband and I developed a lesson on these components last summer to challenge our children to spend their summer deliberately growing. It was exciting to see how our children rose to the challenge presented by the “Summer Growth Chart!” They liked the opportunity to make most of their own choices for how they would spend their time. Through the summer weeks, they got better at identifying creative ways to engage their minds, be productive, and interact with others in meaningful ways. Our family summer chore list got completed as the kids stepped through various projects around the house! And they grew financially, not only because they earned money, but because they learned valuable lessons about tracking their income and expenses, saving, and donating to worthy causes.
 
We will soon be implementing the “Summer Growth Chart” for a second summer. Yet the lessons learned last summer are still evident! Our son who was mowing the neighbor’s lawn has already mowed once this season. Our daughter has been writing notes to her cousin and grandparents without prompting. And video games are only requested very infrequently—our kids are too busy growing personally and interpersonally to default to those!
 
When I spoke for the Autism Society of Minnesota’s conference last month, several attendees requested the “Summer Growth Chart” after hearing how I implemented that at home. I now have that document available for purchase as a pdf download. I hope that it will help parents structure learning and growth opportunities at home, to allow yourselves and your children to grow personally and interpersonally!