Throughout our lifetime, we interact within relationships with a wide variety of people. These might include parents, siblings, grandparents and other extended family members, a spouse, sons or daughters, co-workers, supervisors, neighbors, doctors, teachers, friends, etc.

Healthy relationships help each person to grow personally and interpersonally. Unhealthy relationships do not allow for the growth of each individual. Yet it can sometimes be difficult to identify a healthy relationship, or to know how to foster one. Here are some general guidelines:

In a healthy relationship, each person is committed to being:

1.     COACHABLE: Being coachable is like providing good soil for a seed to flourish. A person who is coachable demonstrates that he/she wants to keep growing. Coachable people are open to all three types of coaching (1. Lead coaching, or learning from someone who is considered to have more information, authority, or experience; 2. Peer coaching, or taking turns giving and receiving information and ideas from other people; 3. Self-coaching, or using a variety of strategies to manage his/her own emotions, stay organized, be productive, meet others’ expectations, and continue growing personally and interpersonally). A person who is coachable is committed to identifying his/her personal strengths and challenges and developing strategies to keep growing both personally and interpersonally.

2.     RESPECTFUL: People in a healthy relationship are respectful to each other in the way they interact while they are together and when they are apart. Respect is used to foster personal and interpersonal growth (social, emotional, mental, spiritual, financial, physical, etc.), not to get something for one person. Respect is consistently evident in a person’s words and actions.

 

3.     BALANCED: People in a balanced relationship recognize that they are “equal,” and continue to work toward a healthy balance in their relationship.  While one person might have more information, authority, or experience than another, every effort is made to create an environment where continued growth is encouraged and fostered.

4.     HONEST/TRANSPARENT: In order to maintain a healthy relationship, each person needs to be honest and transparent, as these qualities build trust and are one way to show respect for each other and to build a balanced relationship.

Overall, are you engaged in healthy relationships? How can you continue to nurture and celebrate those? Do you have some unhealthy relationships in your life? How can you work to improve those, or are there some that are beyond repair at this time?

What will you do to promote healthy relationships this week?

**NOTE: Trudy Ludwig has written several beautiful children's books to help teach children about healthy relationships, including, My Secret Bully.

A popular TV commercial questioning, "What's in YOUR wallet?" often attempted to convince people that the credit card they carry in their wallet can drastically affect the outcome of the situations they encounter. In a similar way, I believe that our social insight (or "social toolbox") can help to determine whether or not we will be socially effective in our interactions with others.

Our social toolbox consists primarily of what we are able to do, and what we know, think, believe, feel, and have experienced (which is also MY CONTEXT, from the Social Response Pyramid™). Those "tools" form the basis of our expectations for ourselves and others. Our toolbox differs from that of everyone else around us. We're continually adding to it as we learn or experience new things, and as we adapt our available tools to deal with novel situations.

Just as important as knowing which tools are available to us is knowing how to use them! In order to do that effectively, we need to be able to accurately interpret not only our own social toolbox, but also the social context (who is here with us, what tools they have available to them, and what their expectations are) and make effective choices based on that information.

We know that as a "social disability," the presence of an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) or other diagnoses  or difficulties (mental illness, depression, cognitive disabilities, sensory processing disorder, etc.) can make it difficult for people to accurately assess their own social toolbox, and to select the necessary tools to interact effectively with others. However, their toolboxes, also, are continually expanding and changing. And the role of parents, teachers, friends, and others who promote social understanding is to provide strategies that enable them to become more interdependent. Our collective goal should be to become more socially effective as we live, study, and work together in a variety of contexts.

I'm looking forward to talking more about this topic with an audience of dental professionals next week in St. Joseph, Michigan, as together we explore the Social Response Pyramid(TM) and use it to develop practical tools to help patients and professionals to interact more successfully. (More information about the Pyramid is available at www.socialincites.com including free templates and instructions).

As you assess your own social toolbox, I hope you're able to celebrate the knowledge and experience that you possess, the relationships that are important to you, the personality traits that enable you to be successful in a variety of contexts, and the strategies that you are continuing to add to your repertoire as you interact with others. You are an important part of the process of promoting social success!

 

I was diagnosed with myopia when I was in fifth grade. That means that until I received my prescription glasses, I was able to read my textbook close-up, but not the chalkboard in front of the room. I've worn corrective lenses ever since to help me see things far away.

A funny thing happened a few years ago when I went to the eye doctor. Well, I'll admit it doesn't feel very funny. It seems that in the process of aging, I now need bifocals, since I'm no longer nearsighted nor farsighted! The fact that I find it difficult to read books or my computer screen while wearing glasses proves the doctor's point.

It has struck me that there's a hidden truth here related to social insight. Many of us have "social myopia." We can readily see what we do well, but tend to be blinded to the gifts and abilities of others. Or perhaps on the flip side, we think we're the only ones who feel overwhelmed, sad, frustrated, lonely, financially pinched, etc., while overlooking the fact that many others feel the same way.

As we examine the process of social insight, we can sometimes recognize a need for "social reading glasses." These would help with our tendency to see things "my way" (or according to MY CONTEXT)--in a somewhat distorted version of reality where neither our own abilities/challenges nor those of others are seen with great clarity or accuracy.

Obtaining "social corrective lenses" may not be as simple as driving to the nearest optical shop, yet it need not be overly difficult. Here are a few steps to steer us in the right direction:

1. Recognize the problem. Identify in yourself one or two areas which could use improvement (if we're honest, there are usually at least that many)!

2. Distance yourself. When I was 13, my mom's complaint that her "arms were too short" seemed both strange and funny. Sorry, Mom--I'm not laughing anymore! Without reading glasses or bifocals, I find that I also have to hold small print farther away in order to be able to read it. Sometimes we need to take a real or imaginary step back from a social situation in order to see it, understand it, and respond to it more effectively.

3. Keep learning. Ask questions of the people with whom you live and work--without assuming you already know the answers. Attempt to get to know them and to see things from their perspective. Utilize resources such as "The Hidden Curriculum" (Brenda Smith Myles) to better understand the social information that those with autism spectrum disorders (ASD) may be missing, and how you can help.

A glance at a dictionary confirms that "myopia" is "nearsightedness; a condition of the eye when objects are seen distinctly only when near the eye." However, a second definition is this: "lack of foresight or discernment." Now there's a social point to ponder!

Best wishes for improved social foresight and discernment, which will likely benefit both you and those with whom you live and work!

There’s a familiar saying, “The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.” Just as a farm animal might be seen gazing longingly at the land just beyond its own pasture, we humans may also experience the feeling that something else may be better than what we have. Maybe you can identify with one or more of these possibilities:

-       Others seem to have a nicer house, vehicle, neighborhood, possessions, or employment

-       Another teacher might have been a better “fit” for your son/daughter

-       A change to a new neighborhood, school, or job might provide better resources or fewer frustrations

-       Others don’t seem to struggle as much financially, socially, emotionally, etc.

Sometimes these are legitimate facts. Awareness of “greener grass” in another area might be considered practicality, honesty, or insight. It might spur us on to making healthy changes in our own life. However, it might also be envy, discontent, or jealousy, all of which may cause us to shut down or to make ineffective choices that may harm our ability to grow personally or interpersonally.

How can we be effective in dealing with this tendency to see other things as preferable to what we have? I recently read a revised “greener grass” quote which I think provides valuable insight:

“The grass is always greener where it is watered.”

What a beautiful way to illustrate our Social Incites, LLC motto of “growing personally and interpersonally!” Achieving our goals, being content with what we have, building healthy relationships, growing financially, socially, spiritually, emotionally, etc. all require “watering,” or deliberate tending. Gratitude, respect, honesty, compassion, forgiveness, and a variety of intentional strategies are all necessary components of healthy growth within our own “pastures.”

Are there areas in your life that are already flourishing? Be thankful for those today! Are there others that are lacking, and pale in comparison to what you perceive that others have? Find ways to water those each day, and see if you experience growth in one or more of those areas this week!