 As I write this, West Michigan is blanketed with a thick coating of white snow. Throughout the past week (and for the last few months), we’ve often witnessed the beauty of fat, fluffy flakes drifting through the air, sometimes wandering lazily to the ground not unlike a decorative snow globe, and other times ferociously driven with the intensity of a strong wind.
I marvel at the knowledge that every single snowflake on the ground or in the air, including those piled in 12-foot-high snow drifts in parking lots all around the world, is different from every other snowflake that was ever created or will ever be created. Does that fill you with awe, too? (If you live in an area where you have never been blessed with an opportunity to shovel snow, be aware that the same reality is true of every grain of sand). That realization drove a man, Wilson Bentley, over a century ago, to devote his life to capturing photographs of the intricate crystals that comprise each snowflake. I admire his persistence, passion, and desire to share with the world the insights he was capturing on film. (Be sure to check out his exquisite photographs, and keep reading for an opportunity to WIN the children’s book based on “Snowflake Bentley’s” life). Each photograph we capture of ourselves, our loved ones, and other people around us is a reminder that every person on this planet—currently, in the past, and in the future—is also totally unique from everyone else. Of course, you already knew that. But what has often struck me is that every single social interaction we will ever have will be different from all the others we have had. It’s as though every time we interact with another person, whether only briefly, or for a longer period of time, we are creating another unique “social snowflake.” For some of you, that may spark curiosity and awe for studying and/or enjoying the ins and outs of social interactions. Yet imagine the confusion and frustration the complexity of “social” causes for individuals with difficulties in the area of “social intelligence,” including those with autism spectrum disorders. How do you prepare for social success when every single interaction you will ever have—with loved ones or with strangers—will be different from every other one? “Social rules,” whether written or unwritten, spoken or implied, cannot adequately prepare anyone for navigating opportunities (casual or formal, planned or unplanned), to interact with another person, whether verbally or nonverbally. Although they clearly have challenges when faced with “social snowflakes,” many people with autism spectrum disorders share something in common with Snowflake Bentley: their passion and devotion to a single pursuit. Our world has benefited greatly from their insights into areas related to science, finances, transportation, electronics, literature, entertainment…and even “social.” We have much to benefit from their desire to learn and to share those things with us! I’m wishing you an enjoyable week of discoveries and insights through “social snowflakes!”
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I first became the mother of an adolescent over seven years ago when my oldest son turned 13. I was surprised to find—even though I knew a lot about the changes that take place in adolescence—that many things changed very drastically as my son entered that stage of life! Suddenly it seemed that everything I knew about him (his preferences, his way of interacting with other people—and with me—etc.) had changed seemingly overnight. This was accompanied by a wide variety of physical changes, one of which left me literally looking up to him each time we interacted. In the past seven years, I had another son turn 13, and next weekend, my daughter will also achieve that milestone.
Obviously, adolescence isn’t something that happens on a birthday, but which arrives gradually, generally over the span of a few years. What are some of the characteristics of the early adolescent years? Many are also common during puberty and adolescence, but they’re being documented as early as age 10.
The presence of a diagnosis such as an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) can complicate the period of adolescence. We may need to be more intentional in describing the changes to an individual and helping him or her to see that rather than being a frightening or isolating time, these changes are common to most adolescents. We may need to go back to strategies (educational, social, sensory, etc.) that worked in the past but had perhaps been abandoned for a while. The good news is that you are not alone! Whether you are living or working with a preteen or adolescent, or you are a few years behind, looking toward this stage looming in the not-too-distant future, there is much you can do to enhance your own success and that of the individuals with whom you are interacting. We can have a more positive attitude about the difficulties associated with adolescence if we remind ourselves of the benefits associated with this period of life. Often, we are able to see glimpses of the adults they are becoming, as we watch them develop new interests and skills, have more “adult conversations” with them, and observe them responding more effectively and compassionately to the needs and interests of others. There are aspects of my own adolescents’ current levels of understanding, interacting, responding, and reflecting that I find very delightful. I certainly continue to learn from them each and every day, and recognize the fact that this stage of my children’s lives, like the ones preceding it, will likely pass all too quickly! Best wishes to all of you who live and work with current or future adolescents. If you have tips, suggestions, or reminiscences you’d like to share, please post those on our blog at www.socialincites.com or on Facebook, or feel free to email us. We love to hear from you! If you’ve been reading Social Incites™ for a while, you likely know that I talk about three important types of coaching which we all need to be able to give and to receive. Self-coaching is the ability to coach ourselves to set and achieve goals. Peer coaching uses “peers” (friends, siblings, co-workers, classmates, neighbors, etc.) to help each other set and achieve goals. Lead coaching is when one person is “in charge.” They are the authority figures, or elevated in status somehow. They may be paid to coach, or they may be in charge because they are older, more experienced, have more training, or have a higher level of responsibility. Their role is also to help people set and achieve goals.
The bottom line is generally that we need what the lead coach has to offer. Whether the coach is helping us with athletics, finances, employment, or social success, they are generally there to help us succeed. Often, however, we resent their presence. We prefer to do things on our own, or we don’t like being told what to do or how to do it. My husband and I moved to a new community several years ago. In anticipation of that move, we enlisted the help of a realtor to sell our home. In six months with that realtor, our house did not sell. As the new school year quickly approached, we were feeling more desperate to sell our house, so we enlisted the help of another realtor. That one conveyed the importance of a “lead coach” very concisely. He said, “If you want to list your home, you can do that without my assistance. If you want to sell your home, you’ll need to do the things I tell you to do.” We promptly followed his suggestions for repainting rooms in the home (neutral colors instead of the colors we had), de-cluttering (including moving furniture and other belongings temporarily into storage), and stopping our practice of hosting open houses. Our home sold within a month, and we were able to move soon after school started. As a social/employment coach, I often encounter students or clients who say they want my help, but are unwilling to do things differently than the way they’ve always done them. It’s human nature, but often when faced with choosing whether we really want or are ready to accept the help of any “lead coach” we have to consider: - Do I want to keep failing classes, or do I want to raise my grade point average? - Do I want to keep looking for work, or do I want to be employed? - Do I want to keep trying to make friends, or do I want to be a friend? - Do I want to keep struggling with difficult behaviors at home, or do I want to have children who are respectful and helpful around the house? - Do I want to be a mediocre athlete/student, or do I want to make the most of my potential so that I will have other opportunities down the road? Admitting that we need help is the first step to benefiting from the assistance of a lead coach. But we also have to trust their training, intuition, experience, etc., and allow ourselves to follow their instructions to hopefully achieve a better outcome than we could have managed on our own. My husband and I decided we didn’t want to list our house, we wanted to sell it. And following the advice of the wise realtor made all the difference. What “lead coach” could make a difference in your life, if you would let him or her? What assistance can you provide another person as a “lead coach?” Best wishes as you engage in all three types of coaching this week, but especially as you consider the unique challenges—and benefits—of responding to lead coaching!  My “baby” turned four years old this weekend! The time has flown as he has gone from a tiny baby to a walking, talking individual with intellect, humor, creativity, and insight that continue to delight us.
Yet the past several weeks have been difficult as Noah has shown regression in several areas, including dressing, toileting, sleeping, and eating. This regression is understandable considering that we added a family member during that time (his grandma moved in with us, and managing her schedule and health issues took a toll on the entire family). Added to that was the fact that little Noah spent several weekends ill, as he went from a stomach bug, to croup, back to a stomach bug, and then the respiratory flu. He’s been through a lot in the last month or two, and it’s not hard to imagine why he became clingy and much less independent than he had been! As his health improved and our family situation stabilized, I began working with Noah to re-instill confidence and independence. He fought me every step of the way, finally objecting to my desire to withdraw from a particular routine with a loud, “Mom, help me JUST ONE MORE TIME!” Many people consider or set goals at the beginning of a New Year, and even though they know the goals are designed to bring positive results (financially, physically, emotionally, socially, spiritually, etc.), they find themselves wanting to do things the old way, “Just one more time!” Why do we resist those positive changes? Why do we cling to the old ways of doing things when we know intellectually that the new way will bring us closer to our long-term goals? Here are a few of my thoughts: 1. The old way is familiar and comfortable. We liked the old routine! Often we continue doing “the same thing,” not necessarily because it’s the best way to do it, but because it’s the way we do it. Whether it’s the easiest way, the way we were taught, the way we’ve done it for years, or the way someone else expects us to do it, we get trapped in that way, again and again. 2. We don’t yet like the new routine. According to some research I’ve read, it can take as many as 66 days for something to become habit. Haven’t achieved your New Year’s Resolution? It’s only been 12 days! Hang in there! 3. We are afraid of failure. When we try something new, there’s always a chance we won’t succeed. Sometimes that’s enough to keep us from trying, especially when we perceive that “the stakes are high.” When financial, social, or physical risk may be involved, we may be especially cautious. Yet it’s good to remember that often the benefits of being successful outweigh the potential negatives of not succeeding! 4. Life happens! In Noah’s situation, he had solidified great new habits in many areas, but family unrest and illness intervened. That’s true for all of us. A sudden change in routine, illness, loss, etc. can dislodge our best intentions and send us in another direction, or perhaps make it impossible to achieve our goals. At that point we can accept the temporary detour, or select other goals that fit our new reality. Here’s hoping Noah, you, and I can all step away from our desire to do something, “Just one more time!” in favor of making healthy changes that will help us step toward our goals for 2015! (NOTE: Noah's Plasmacar--loved and ridden by the whole family--can be purchased from Amazon!) What is success? Dictionary definitions for “success” utilize terms such as, “achievement,” or “accomplishment” or “attainment.” Each conveys a sense of setting out to do something, and reaching a point where you’re able to reap the rewards of your efforts. When we identify past successes in our lives, some of us point to academic achievements, others to favorable outcomes of relationships, or even to accomplishments in financial or work-related areas.
Most of us likely identify success as relatively major life events such as graduations, marriage, learning to drive, getting a new job, making a large purchase, or accomplishing a life-long dream. Sometimes, however, both for our own benefit, and for the benefit of those with whom we live and work, we need to define success on a more minute scale. Daily successes can also be identified and celebrated! Viewing life through this new perspective, how might we define success? - Initiating and sustaining a conversation with a new acquaintance - Joining an activity or discussion on the playground, in the classroom, or in the workplace - Playing a game or conducting an activity by someone else’s rules - Staying calm through an unexpected transition - Finding a new way to teach a difficult concept - Making eye contact, and using this skill to gauge emotions or gather other information - Giving an appropriate compliment to a parent, spouse, teacher, student, or colleague - Completing a task on time - Trying a new food or activity - Waiting patiently until it’s our turn (whether it’s in the classroom, at the dinner table, or in line at the grocery store) - Dropping a bad habit, even for a day - Anticipating another person’s needs, and offering to help - Overcoming a fear, however insignificant or irrational it may seem to others - Finishing a race, whether we come in first, last, or somewhere in-between Did you happen to notice that all the examples of success in the preceding paragraphs have one thing in common? It’s my personal belief that true “success” is generally achieved only through the ability to be successful socially! When I speak to groups of parents and professionals, I often challenge them to think of a way they could achieve “success” without any social interaction. I have yet to hear one such example! (Note that this does not mean that others always help us achieve success. Sometimes we are successful in spite of difficulties or interference caused by others—but that is still a highly social scenario!) This makes our work of promoting social insight and understanding even more crucial. All too often, some individuals, including many with autism spectrum disorders (ASD), experience a chronic lack of success in their lives. Some of this is due to their difficulties with social interactions and the other challenges inherent with their diagnosis. Yet some of their perceptions of failure are also due to our own imposition of grandiose definitions of success! When we define success as major life achievements or events, we become easily discouraged when faced with a lack of ability or accomplishment. We worry when a child isn’t potty-trained by a certain age, we despair when a young adult isn’t yet driving, hasn’t secured employment, or isn’t living independently, and we fret over a host of other milestones that have not yet been reached. While these may be valid concerns, in defining success this way, we miss the opportunity to show others where they are being successful each and every day, just through the efforts they invest in navigating the social world. A New Year brings many new opportunities for success in the home, school, workplace, and community. In fact, 2015 holds 365 days full of opportunities for success! I hope we’ll all take time to acknowledge—and to delight in-- our own daily successes as well as those of the people around us. I’ll hope you’ll also take the time to write to me to share some of your success stories! One last thought…several years ago I received a Page-A-Day Calendar for Christmas. One quote was very appropriate to share today: “Never fail to recognize the success in failure!” Sometimes the best lessons—and successes--are those garnered from our experiences with mistakes and failures. |
Social IncitesSocial Incites™ are insights which incite (encourage) personal and interpersonal growth. Social Incites™ are written by Laurel Hoekman, Certified Family Life Educator, Certified Employment Training Specialist, Social Coach, Consultant, and Registered Social Service Technician (Michigan). For 15 years, Laurel was the Executive Director of The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding, and has also been a CASA volunteer (Court Appointed Special Advocate for children who are abused and neglected). She is passionate about helping individuals and families (including those affected by autism spectrum disorders) identify and achieve their goals, particularly in building and maintaining effective social connections. Archives
April 2023
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