As the calendar change from 2012 to 2013, many of us will engage in the time-honored tradition of making a New Year’s resolution! Typical resolutions center around improved health (weight loss, increased exercise, healthier eating, quitting smoking), finances (spending less, saving more, or being able to afford a long-desired big-ticket item), and goals (getting a new job, starting or improving a relationship, beginning or finishing a project, being a better parent, spouse, teacher, or employer).

As we seek to promote social understanding, I hope many of us will make a “social resolution” for the upcoming year! Here are a few ideas to get you started!

-       Smile at those we encounter at home, school, our workplace and in the community.

-       Ask at least one person, “How are you doing today?” and really mean it, taking the time to listen as they talk about their current situation.

-       Do some research on another person’s area of special interest, so that the next time the topic comes up, we can carry on a conversation rather than asking them to choose a different subject.

-       Remind ourselves on a regular basis that others have valid opinions, preferences, and perspectives, even when they differ from our own.

-       Say “thank you” to someone who least expects it—a cashier at the grocery store, a newspaper delivery person, a student, or a neighbor.

-       Commit a kind act toward another person, without being asked, and without acknowledgement.

-       Give a genuine compliment to someone else, commenting not just on outward appearance (a nice tie, haircut, or sweater), but on their achievements, character, or personality.

-       Encourage and assist someone toward reaching his or her goal or dream.

-       Ask for forgiveness from someone we’ve wronged (or who thinks we have wronged them), or grant forgiveness to another person, whether or not we believe they deserve it!

How about you? Will you make a social New Year’s resolution for the upcoming year? I hope you’ll write to me to share your resolution, or comment on our Facebook page or on this blog below!

Happy New Year!

What do the holidays mean to you?

For some, the term “HAPPY HOLIDAYS” brings to mind pleasant thoughts of family, friends, food, festivities and decorations, fond traditions, special songs, anticipation of the year ahead, and an opportunity to thank God for rich blessings throughout the past year.

For others, the holidays are associated with loss, sadness, loneliness, fear, and uncertainty.

My hope for all of you today is that you will experience JOY throughout the holiday season. Joy is not dependent on external circumstances or other people. Instead, it comes from within; a true gift which is meant to be enjoyed and shared.

I hope you’ll share JOY this holiday season! Share a smile, a handwritten note, a meal, a gift, a word of encouragement, the gift of time, the blessing of your friendship or forgiveness. As we experience and share holiday joy, we make the world a better place, one moment at a time!

Wishing you holiday JOY, and bountiful opportunities to share that with others in the week ahead!

It was almost 14 years ago that Brian and Carol Gray invited me to be a member of the newly formed Gray Center board of directors, and what an incredible journey it has been!

Through eight conferences, three Autism Expos, a variety of new resources by five authors, numerous community groups and classes, five offices, dozens of staff and volunteers, talented fellow board members, four web sites, tens of thousands of emails, a lending library and bookstore, and countless presentations, meetings, and consultations or coaching sessions, I have been blessed by the opportunity to connect with and serve you and others all around world!

Many things have changed in our world during the past 14 years. We have a greater awareness of autism, and more resources to help. Our society has changed, as has our economy and the way we do business. I have also changed. I have learned so much in 14 years, not only about autism, but also about family dynamics, employment needs, community resources, and my personal abilities and passions which drive the work I do each day.

At the end of this week, I will bid farewell to The Gray Center and my role as its Executive Director and board member. Operations are being turned over to Brian and Carol Gray with support from the board of directors.

Although there is much I will miss about being involved with The Gray Center, I am excited to move on to my newly formed business, SOCIAL INCITES, LLC. Here, my husband Steve and I will continue to provide consultations and social coaching, job coaching, parent and teacher coaching, Growth Groups, presentations, and more. We will continue to produce new educational resources to meet the needs in our local and global communities. And of course, I will continue to write this weekly email article, Social Incites™.  If you choose to be on our mailing list, you'll  receive the  ​FREE weekly email article, along with updates about classes, new resources, Growth Groups, and more.

I hope you’ll continue to use me as a resource. You’re welcome to email me anytime. I can provide a free initial consult if you’re trying to decide whether you’d like to access our coaching and consulting services. And as always, Steve and I will provide personalized, proactive services to meet your individual needs as parents, grandparents, siblings, individuals with autism/Asperger Syndrome, teachers, employers, therapists, and more. Our mission remains, "Providing socialization insights which incite personal and interpersonal growth!" 

Looking forward to growing with you in the New Year,

Laurel A. Falvo, CFLE
Certified Family Life Educator
SOCIAL INCITES, LLC
www.socialincites.com 

It’s that time of year again, when many of us carry around long lists of names, area sales, shirt sizes, and the latest must-have toys and games. Many of you may spend time standing in long lines to purchase just the right gift for someone on your list.

How do we determine what to give our loved ones? What if we have a child with an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) or other special needs? What gift is best for him or her? Many young children voice a desire to have just about everything they see. How do we know which gifts will survive their interest level more than a week after the holidays are finished?

While everyone has their own standards for making these determinations, here are just a few ideas that I’ve considered over the years:

1. What are your goals for your child, both short-term AND long-term? Does the gift promote that goal? For example, if you want your child to learn the alphabet, does the gift use an engaging way of doing that with your child? If you want your child to grow up to be someone who reads for fun, are you choosing a book that he or she can’t resist (and will want to go to the library to get more?) If you want your child to develop and use social skills, perhaps a board game or outdoor game (a ball and two gloves) would promote that better than a handheld computer game or a personal MP3 player with headphones.
2. If the gift is something your child “desperately wants,” how long has that desire been present? If the answer is “just during the last 5 minutes while we’ve been waiting in line at the grocery store,” or “just since he saw it in the toy catalog that arrived today in the mail,” the gift is less likely to survive the holidays than one that your child has been asking or saving for and talking about for the last three months.
3. Is the gift likely to promote your child’s social development? Is it something that can be used with others, either at home or at school? Will others be interested in it?
4. Is the gift consistent with the values you’re trying to teach your child? Is this the type of gift you hope he or she will give to friends or family members someday? Would you choose to have your child devoting time and attention to this item?
5. Does the gift hinder your ability to provide for your child’s needs throughout the year? It’s sometimes tempting to make a financial stretch to provide something special during the holidays. However, if it comes at the expense of structure, normalcy, and a relatively stress-free life during and after the holidays, it might not be worth it!

Don’t forget the value of teaching our children to give to others. Can you involve them in the list-making process? If stores are too chaotic for them around the holidays, can they assist you in making some online purchases? Can you set aside time to visit a homeless shelter, to go caroling or visiting in a nursing home, or to take homemade cookies to a next-door neighbor?

I’d love to hear from you! What was the best gift you ever received, or the best gift you ever gave your child? What strategies guide your gift-giving? Share your comments or stories here!

Enjoy the holiday season with your loved ones!

This week’s Social Incite™ is courtesy of my youngest child, 22-month-old Noah.

Every person has his or her own unique “starting point” or CONTEXT in life. It’s a personal blend of experiences (and how we feel about them), personality, strengths, challenges, interests, dreams, and more. And it’s changing all the time!

Stress, hunger, fatigue, and emotions such as anger, frustration, or envy can all negatively impact our context and ultimately our RESPONSES, as they make us more likely to generate AUTHENTIC RESPONSES (meltdown/shutdown, or fight/flight) instead of STRATEGIZING to produce SOCIALLY EFFECTIVE RESPONSES.

I’m thankful for those moments in life which I call CONTEXT CHANGERS. I had one of those last week, in the middle of the night. I was preparing to give a big presentation the next day, and was aware that I was sleep-deprived and would need a long night of sleep in order to be physically and mentally prepared to be my best for the attendees. At 3:00 a.m., my 22-month-old son woke me for the third time in two hours. My husband was still working at his 2nd shift job, and wasn’t available to deal with him. I decided to get Noah a snack, in case hunger was contributing to his difficulty sleeping.

At that point, my CONTEXT wasn’t in that great a place. I was tired, hungry, frustrated, and overwhelmed. I fixed Noah a snack, then began making one for myself, which he promptly wanted--and got, as I was too tired to argue with him.

I finally sat down to eat, and as I took my first bite, I heard a little voice say, “Mama, pray!” I turned to look at Noah, and he had his head bowed over his snack with his little hands folded in prayer.

Needless to say, my frustration quickly gave way to laughter, and instead of dwelling on my fatigue and concerns for the day ahead, together we gave thanks for our snack and our special midnight time together.

People, situations, words, memories, sensory sensations, and more can serve as CONTEXT CHANGERS—welcome intrusions which force us to stop and shift into a better starting point. I’m thankful for life’s CONTEXT CHANGERS—even from a little pint-sized human being--which are causing me to grow and change each day!

What do you want to be when you grow up?

I remember that as a child, I would answer that question, “A teacher and a mom!” I spent hours imagining both—playing with dolls, and acting out a school day with my sisters, complete with homework assignments and letters from the “principal.” I later developed flyers for my babysitting services, distributing those to nearby neighborhoods. In high school and college I spent time as a tutor, community education Spanish instructor, and Sunday School teacher.

I eventually went on to realize both dreams, as a first grade teacher, and later a mom to four children. My imagination continues to be sparked as I consider books I’d like to write, presentations and resources I’d like to develop, places I’d like to go, and ways I’d like to be involved in my community.

It’s surprising to me how many of my current students—mostly teens and young adults preparing for employment—have no idea what they want to do “when they grow up.” When I asked about his abilities and interests, one 16-year-old recently told me, ‘That’s the problem. I have no idea what I’m good at or what I like!”

I have a few thoughts regarding the varied reasons for this. If you have others, please feel free to share those on my Facebook page or send me an email!

-       Our busy culture keeps us running from one thing to another, without “free time” to play, explore, read for pleasure, etc.

-       Time spent playing video games, watching TV, and surfing the Internet is time away from engaging in productive hobbies, learning new skills, and being exposed to people in the community who are doing a variety of different tasks. (My Electronic Contracts pdf download can help define healthy boundaries for the use of electronics).

-       Diagnoses such as autism keep some people from noticing or trying new activities, either because they are not as “tuned in” to social things, because of anxiety or sensory dysfunction, or because their behaviors or the negative responses of other people keep them isolated.

-       There appears to be less emphasis on “contributing” in many homes today. I meet countless young people who are not employed, not volunteering, and not contributing to household responsibilities. Much of my work as a coach involves supporting parents as they develop a home environment which is more conducive to their sons’ and daughters’ successful integration into the community. (My Summer Growth Chart, which isn’t just for summer, is a downloadable pdf document which can help build “nourishing, growing, connecting, and contributing into a person’s life in a fun and structured way!)

-       We don’t share our life stories with others. I think many young people assume that our current “context” has been static for many years, when in fact our situation changes all the time. Many of us started in jobs unrelated to our career, in houses that weren’t very glamorous, driving vehicles that were held together with duct tape. Often it’s true that “you have to start somewhere,” even if it isn’t the epitome of your dream!

As we near the end of 2012, it’s a great time to reflect on our personal life progress. What’s your dream? What would you like to change about your current context or reality? How are you going to do that? We can ask the same questions of our children and students. If we or they cannot articulate dreams, goals, or even personal strengths and challenges, we’ve got some work to do!