My “baby” turned four years old this weekend! The time has flown as he has gone from a tiny baby to a walking, talking individual with intellect, humor, creativity, and insight that continue to delight us.

Yet the past several weeks have been difficult as Noah has shown regression in several areas, including dressing, toileting, sleeping, and eating. This regression is understandable considering that we added a family member during that time (his grandma moved in with us, and managing her schedule and health issues took a toll on the entire family). Added to that was the fact that little Noah spent several weekends ill, as he went from a stomach bug, to croup, back to a stomach bug, and then the respiratory flu. He’s been through a lot in the last month or two, and it’s not hard to imagine why he became clingy and much less independent than he had been!

As his health improved and our family situation stabilized, I began working with Noah to re-instill confidence and independence. He fought me every step of the way, finally objecting to my desire to withdraw from a particular routine with a loud, “Mom, help me JUST ONE MORE TIME!”

Many people consider or set goals at the beginning of a New Year, and even though they know the goals are designed to bring positive results (financially, physically, emotionally, socially, spiritually, etc.), they find themselves wanting to do things the old way, “Just one more time!” Why do we resist those positive changes? Why do we cling to the old ways of doing things when we know intellectually that the new way will bring us closer to our long-term goals? Here are a few of my thoughts:

1.     The old way is familiar and comfortable. We liked the old routine! Often we continue doing “the same thing,” not necessarily because it’s the best way to do it, but because it’s the way we do it. Whether it’s the easiest way, the way we were taught, the way we’ve done it for years, or the way someone else expects us to do it, we get trapped in that way, again and again.

2.     We don’t yet like the new routine. According to some research I’ve read, it can take as many as 66 days for something to become habit. Haven’t achieved your New Year’s Resolution? It’s only been 12 days! Hang in there!

3.     We are afraid of failure. When we try something new, there’s always a chance we won’t succeed. Sometimes that’s enough to keep us from trying, especially when we perceive that “the stakes are high.” When financial, social, or physical risk may be involved, we may be especially cautious. Yet it’s good to remember that often the benefits of being successful outweigh the potential negatives of not succeeding!

4.     Life happens! In Noah’s situation, he had solidified great new habits in many areas, but family unrest and illness intervened. That’s true for all of us. A sudden change in routine, illness, loss, etc. can dislodge our best intentions and send us in another direction, or perhaps make it impossible to achieve our goals. At that point we can accept the temporary detour, or select other goals that fit our new reality.

Here’s hoping Noah, you, and I can all step away from our desire to do something, “Just one more time!” in favor of making healthy changes that will help us step toward our goals for 2015!

(NOTE: Noah's Plasmacar--loved and ridden by the whole family--can be purchased from Amazon!)

What is success? Dictionary definitions for “success” utilize terms such as, “achievement,” or “accomplishment” or “attainment.” Each conveys a sense of setting out to do something, and reaching a point where you’re able to reap the rewards of your efforts. When we identify past successes in our lives, some of us point to academic achievements, others to favorable outcomes of relationships, or even to accomplishments in financial or work-related areas.

Most of us likely identify success as relatively major life events such as graduations, marriage, learning to drive, getting a new job, making a large purchase, or accomplishing a life-long dream. Sometimes, however, both for our own benefit, and for the benefit of those with whom we live and work, we need to define success on a more minute scale. Daily successes can also be identified and celebrated!

Viewing life through this new perspective, how might we define success?

-       Initiating and sustaining a conversation with a new acquaintance

-       Joining an activity or discussion on the playground, in the classroom, or in the workplace

-       Playing a game or conducting an activity by someone else’s rules

-       Staying calm through an unexpected transition

-       Finding a new way to teach a difficult concept

-       Making eye contact, and using this skill to gauge emotions or gather other information

-       Giving an appropriate compliment to a parent, spouse, teacher, student, or colleague

-       Completing a task on time

-       Trying a new food or activity

-       Waiting patiently until it’s our turn (whether it’s in the classroom, at the dinner table, or in line at the grocery store)

-       Dropping a bad habit, even for a day

-       Anticipating another person’s needs, and offering to help

-       Overcoming a fear, however insignificant or irrational it may seem to others

-       Finishing a race, whether we come in first, last, or somewhere in-between

Did you happen to notice that all the examples of success in the preceding paragraphs have one thing in common? It’s my personal belief that true “success” is generally achieved only through the ability to be successful socially! When I speak to groups of parents and professionals, I often challenge them to think of a way they could achieve “success” without any social interaction. I have yet to hear one such example! (Note that this does not mean that others always help us achieve success. Sometimes we are successful in spite of difficulties or interference caused by others—but that is still a highly social scenario!)

This makes our work of promoting social insight and understanding even more crucial. All too often, some individuals, including many with autism spectrum disorders (ASD), experience a chronic lack of success in their lives. Some of this is due to their difficulties with social interactions and the other challenges inherent with their diagnosis. Yet some of their perceptions of failure are also due to our own imposition of grandiose definitions of success! When we define success as major life achievements or events, we become easily discouraged when faced with a lack of ability or accomplishment. We worry when a child isn’t potty-trained by a certain age, we despair when a young adult isn’t yet driving, hasn’t secured employment, or isn’t living independently, and we fret over a host of other milestones that have not yet been reached. While these may be valid concerns, in defining success this way, we miss the opportunity to show others where they are being successful each and every day, just through the efforts they invest in navigating the social world.

A New Year brings many new opportunities for success in the home, school, workplace, and community. In fact, 2015 holds 365 days full of opportunities for success! I hope we’ll all take time to acknowledge—and to delight in-- our own daily successes as well as those of the people around us. I’ll hope you’ll also take the time to write to me  to share some of your success stories!

One last thought…several years ago I received a Page-A-Day Calendar for Christmas. One quote was very appropriate to share today: “Never fail to recognize the success in failure!” Sometimes the best lessons—and successes--are those garnered from our experiences with mistakes and failures. 

Joy to the World…Peace on Earth…God rest ye merry, gentlemen…on this silent night!

This time of year, we’re surrounded by well-wishes for peace, joy, happiness, and a bright beginning to the New Year. Many people are able to identify and enjoy these blessings in their lives currently, and others are holding onto hope that they are just around the corner. Yet the reality is that for many, these seem like empty words as they struggle through the chaos of daily life.

Chaos comes in many forms. Many of you are experiencing difficult or strained relationships, loneliness, unstable housing, joblessness, poor health, difficulties with children who exhibit combative or self-destructive behaviors, the effects of aging, political unrest, the loss of loved ones, or financial distress. It can be difficult to experience peace, happiness, or hope in the face of overwhelming uncertainty, loss, fear, and frustration.

This week my family and I are celebrating the fact that joy and hope are not connected to the circumstances of our daily lives. Instead, they are gifts bestowed on the first Christmas long ago, when God himself stepped into the chaos of our human lives. Each day, I am learning more about trusting His love, faithfulness, and provision of our “daily bread,” or all that we need to face the chaos of our human needs.

With this final “Social Incites” of 2014, I am wishing all of you the knowledge and assurance of the love, peace, joy, and hope that are freely gifted to each of us as we celebrate the birthday of the Prince of Peace. May He calm your chaos and give you hope for tomorrow, and for all the tomorrows after that, as we transition from 2014 to 2015!

Last week I wrote about the reality many of us face at one time or another during our lives; that of being a caregiver for another person, whether it’s a parent, child, spouse, sibling, or other person. Last week I attended a support group for caregivers of individuals with Alzheimer’s, and heard a very interesting illustration I wanted to share with you.

The facilitator pointed out that if you had a glass that was filled half-way with a liquid, some might say that the glass is half-empty, and others might say that it is half-full. We know that people tend to be somewhat “hard-wired” as either optimistic or pessimistic, with one more likely to see the positives and another more likely to identify the negatives in life.

However, the point of this illustration wasn’t whether the glass was half-empty or half-full. The point was that if you have to hold that glass for an hour, you can probably do that. If you have to hold it for six hours, you might be able to do that. But if you have to hold it for 24 hours, you’ll likely get too frustrated, fatigued, shaky, or downright exhausted to continue holding the glass.

The point was this: when you are a full-time caregiver, whether you have a positive attitude or a more pessimistic attitude, you are likely to eventually experience frustration, fatigue, and total exhaustion.

Are you caring for a child with autism or some other developmental or physical disability? A parent with Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s? A spouse with mental illness? I hope you can find help with the burden of around-the-clock caregiving. Respite programs, support groups, coffee with friends, a few minutes to do something you enjoy, or time to focus on something other than the questions/problems/activities of providing care for another person are likely to enable you to take up the glass again later. And I’m finding that if others know of the needs, they are likely to want to help!

Over 20 years ago, I became a mom for the first time. I remember the moment I realized that my life was no longer my own; instead, a tiny baby controlled when I slept, showered, ate, and went on outings (and how pleasant and/or successful those were). I have had three other babies since then, and each one has reminded me of the all-consuming nature of being a full-time caregiver.

Although my four children are currently at various stages of independence, and none require the around-the-clock assistance of a newborn, there have been other times throughout my life when the full-time caregiver role has resurfaced. During periods of illness or injury, I have stepped in again with more intensive efforts at meeting my children’s needs. Other people have also provided some care for me, most notably during two periods of bed rest through difficult pregnancies, but also for shorter-term needs. I am certainly thankful for their commitment and care during those times.

Last Monday my mother-in-law moved into our home (hopefully temporarily while she looks for housing and hopes to bring her husband here), and I have again been thrust into the seemingly around-the-clock chaos of decisions that need to be made, research that helps lead to wise decisions, and conversations that center around the current status of her situation and possible future options. Again, my life is not my own, as I help someone else sort through the best way to move forward with her life.

For me, care-giving has come in a variety of “seasons” or “chapters,” some more intense than others. For others of you, care-giving has come with a relentless long-term intensity, whether you are caring for a son or daughter, a parent, or someone else. Whether the cause is a disability (physical or emotional), illness, old age, or something else, we know that sometimes a person needs a full spectrum of care, and often there are very few other alternatives, or options for respite for caregivers. You have my empathy. It isn’t always easy, although thankfully moments of joy typically are interspersed with the most difficult of moments.

With my new caregiver role, I am reminded again that I cannot do this myself. My daily reality is that I have more questions than answers, and more needs than I have time to meet. I need other people to connect with, other resources to provide information, support, and hope, and other outlets for my time and talents. I am incredibly grateful for the people my husband and I have met in the last week, the community resources we’ve been able to access, and the love and support of our family and friends. We look forward to continuing to step through this process with their help, and trust that you, also, will be able to access the supports you need, whether you are currently in a caregiver role, or may find yourself there someday in the future.

I love the holidays! For the last couple of weeks, West Michigan has been blanketed in white, fluffy snow, Christmas carols play on the radio, the house is filled with the aroma of special baked goods and meals, our children are adorning our home with the trimmings of the holidays, and our schedules are beginning to include time set aside for celebrations with family and friends. Although it’s busy and sometimes stressful, it’s something I look forward to every year, and I am always a little sad when the holidays are finished for another year.

However, I know that for many people, sadness is a major ingredient in this holiday season. Some people don’t have family or friends to celebrate with, either because they’re too far away, they’re not emotionally close, or because they’ve lost significant people in their lives. Financial worries put a damper on others’ holiday cheer. Illness, stressful jobs, bad weather, and a host of other circumstances can lead to sentiments expressed by the title of the holiday song, “Blue Christmas.”

What should you do when you’re feeling blue?

1.     Be gentle with yourself. Don’t feel guilty for the emotions you’re feeling. Don’t berate yourself for not getting enough done. Get extra rest. Don’t overspend, as you’ll eventually need to face the bills, which causes greater stress and sadness down the road. Keep it simple, and find ways to pamper yourself a little.

2.     Step outside your comfort zone. Sequestering yourself can lead to increased feelings of isolation and sadness. Instead, pick a few traditions, outings, and gatherings that you think you can handle. Often, the best way to feel good during the holidays is to reach out to someone else who is feeling “blue.” Look for a widow or widower, single mom or dad, a lonely teen, a neighbor with no family in the area, an elderly person living in a nursing home…bring baked goods, shovel their walk, invite them for dinner or “coffee,” offer to babysit, or send them a handwritten note. Often, the relationships that are forged end up filling a need for everyone involved, and perhaps begin traditions that can be eagerly anticipated in future years.

3.     Get professional help if needed. If everything seems too overwhelming; if you find it difficult to leave your home or to feel any joy, consider enlisting the help of trained professionals to get you back to full physical and emotional health.

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas…if you find yourself anticipating a blue one, I hope it helps to know you are not alone, and there are some steps you can take not only to endure—but hopefully to enjoy—the weeks ahead!

Like most three-year-olds, my youngest son asks a lot of questions! What does “alerting” mean? When is it going to snow? Is tomorrow a school day?
 
Noah’s most common question right now is, “Why?” as in, “Why doesn’t it snow in Florida?” or “Why do I have to go to bed?” or even, “Why does a cat have whiskers?” Most frequently, he simply asks, “Why?” As soon as I give him an answer, he again asks, “Why?” and immediately after that answer, “Why?” His patience outlasts mine every time!
 
In many ways, I admire his curiosity and tenacity. Although I suspect that he sometimes asks the question out of habit, without really listening to my answer (I’m sure I can be accused of the same thing at times!), typically he asks because he genuinely wants to know something. He is eager to keep learning about life: people, places, traditions, activities, academics, emotions, etc. His questions—and interacting with me to get his questions answered-- help him grow personally and interpersonally.
 
As adults, we had many of our questions answered long ago. And I suspect that over time, many of us tend to lose the wonder and curiosity so common at three years of age. In our busyness and practicality, we may be annoyed by questions, especially if we feel they are repetitive, impractical, or untimely.
 
How often do we miss “teachable moments” because we get irritated by questions, or because we don’t realize that someone has a question they are not asking? Young children ask many questions, but their lack of knowledge and maturity make it so they often do not know what to ask, or don’t know how to ask it. People with autism may have the same problem, but due to their difficulties “reading” social situations, generalizing, “seeing the big picture,” or communicating.
 
Why do we need to be more patient with others’ questions? Why do we need to anticipate which information someone else might need, even if they do not ask the questions? Why do we need to keep asking questions of ourselves and others? I believe It’s all about growing personally and interpersonally...but I'd also love to hear your thoughts...and questions!
 
In this week ahead, I am wishing all of us the patience, curiosity, empathy, and insight needed to ask questions and to delight in providing answers to the questions others ask!

Every week you give me an opportunity to share my insights with you, and for that, I sincerely thank you! I especially like it when you interact with me, providing additional insights which encourage me, give me the opportunity to get to know you, and help me grow.
 
As I consider future topics for this weekly Social Incites™ article, I hope you’ll take about 60 seconds to complete this short survey to let me know what would be most beneficial to you. Everyone who responds will be entered in a drawing for FREE resources. You might be a winner!
 
Here are some of the insights I’ve received from readers:
 
ON TRADITIONS, RULES, and ROUTINES: (Remember the holiday ham? That article sparked these additional fun insights):

• Suzanne from Tennesse wrote: My grandmother, who passed away at age 103 in 1994, told this story. She wanted my mother, at that time a young child, to look nice for church. Grandmother starched and ironed her bloomers. However, the starched, scratchy bloomers caused my mother to fidget and fuss so much during the church service that my grandmother never starched her bloomers again!
  
  While I am telling stories, here is one that illustrates what not to do!
  My grandmother was a remarkable, if somewhat stubborn and impatient woman. When my mother got a little older, it was her job to wash the dishes. Now this was in the country and at the time of outhouses, which for obvious reasons were not located right next to the house. When it was time to wash the dishes, my mother would suddenly develop an urgent need to use the bathroom, which meant a trip out back to the outhouse, which was located somewhere between the barn and the grape arbor. But grandmother, being who she was, was impatient to get the dishes done and would do them herself instead of waiting on my mother. I don't think this happened every day, but it didn't take long for my mother to figure out how to get out of doing the dishes! (All was not lost, however, as my mother grew up, rose to the rank of Chief in the WAVES in WWII, was the first in her family to graduate from college, and is still alive today at age 93.)
• Susan wrote: We always draw or paint a face on our pumpkin. Last year we used a black cat. This year we used a Native American mask of the bear.

 
ON FOOD INCITES: I heard from many people who are also avoiding gluten, dairy, and/or a variety of other foods. Most shared the frustration and lonely feelings of not being able to eat what others are eating, or not knowing what to eat, but all inspired me with your dedication, persistence, creativity, resourcefulness, interesting research and helpful tips, and encouragement. (I posted some resources that they recommended on our Facebook page). Thank you!
 
HOW ABOUT YOU?
It’s never too late to share your insights! I love to hear from you, and welcome your posts below, on Facebook, or via email or phone.
 

What do you want?

-       To have friends, to be noticed, to be heard, to be missed?
-       To be recognized for your talents?
-       To have people want what you have to offer?
-       To be included in the lives of others, their activities, their conversations?
-       To make a difference in the world, so that when you’re gone, people can point to the contributions (big or small) that you made?

I want these things. And typically the people I live, work, and interact with seem to also want these things. I’ve been pondering this a lot lately, and I think it all boils down to wanting to be “relevant.”

It’s interesting to note the two definitions given for “relevant” in various dictionaries. I have paraphrased them here:

1.     To be PERTINENT; relating directly and significantly to the matter at hand. While some people prefer to be on the sidelines rather than in the middle of the action, I think most still want to be directly connected to the action, and certainly to be “significant” or “of consequence” to the other people gathered there. While spectators are not performing, playing the game, or providing the purpose for the event, they still are generally necessary, as they add energy, purpose, and often financial support. While some people are quiet, and do not contribute much to conversations, they likely still want to be acknowledged and appreciated for their willingness to listen. While many employees work “behind the scenes” to create a product, produce a delicious meal, fix things that are broken, or provide valuable services, their lack of significant pay, attention, or accolades does not typically mean that they are irrelevant, in fact, often they are the most important to the overall success of a program or product, business or organization!

2.     To be DISTINCTIVE; having a special quality, notable. Yes, part of being relevant is being noted for our unique contributions to the activity, event, entity, or environment. We often do not want to be just “part of the crowd,” but we want it to matter that we are there; each person, wanted and needed for whatever role they have to play.

It has struck me over the years that even people who seem incredibly accomplished are often seeking to be “relevant,” or to feel like they “matter.” Those with disabilities, noted often for what they cannot do, are typically striving to be connected, needed, and applauded for what they are able to do and contribute. Those who engage in negative behavior (bullying, abuse, addictions, various crimes, etc.) are often simply searching for relevance.

What can we do today to help someone feel relevant? How can we help others see that they are needed and appreciated? How can we applaud them for their distinctive qualities? In searching for answers to these questions, it’s interesting to note that we will become more relevant to others. For as we affirm them for their relevance, we become relevant to them!

My hope for each of us this week is that we would see that we truly are relevant for a variety of reasons, and encourage others to identify and appreciate their own relevance! (YOU are also relevant to me! I hope you’ll take a minute to comment, whether you agree or disagree, and share your thoughts about this topic or anything else. You can comment here, on Facebook, or send me an email!) 

It’s amazing to me how much of our social life revolves around eating! From birthday parties, to holiday gatherings, to “coffee” with friends, to business transactions that take place around a meal, food is typically the centerpiece of our celebrations and other social engagements.

Mealtime manners become crucial to social success at each of these. How much should you take? Which fork should you use? When should you take the first bite? Should you blow on your food if it’s too hot? And of course, remember not to talk with your mouth full, use your napkin, and chew with your mouth closed.

Being a picky eater complicates matters socially (or being a life-long non-coffee-drinker like me). But I’ve recently experienced another significant complication, which is impacting me not only physically, but also socially. Last month I was diagnosed with allergies or sensitivities to gluten, dairy, yeast, eggs, nuts, corn, soy, and many other grains, fruits, and vegetables. My response when anyone offers me food? “No, thank you.” When I am invited to business meetings or social gatherings at restaurants, I typically have to politely decline the opportunity to partake of the meals or snacks that everyone else is eating. So my physical and emotional frustration at no longer knowing what to eat is compounded by the social frustration of being “different,” and often being perceived as rude or picky.

I tell you this, not to incite pity for me (OK, a little pity might be appreciated), but to indicate that I empathize with many of you who are walking a similar road. People’s eating habits vary widely, whether due to allergies or intolerances, cultural customs, religion, upbringing, sensory issues, or personal preference.  It can sometimes be hard to “fit in” where food is involved. I am very thankful for the wealth of information online that guides me toward understanding how the human body works, and what can be done when it doesn’t work the way we want it to. I’m thankful for companies that strive to produce healthy, delicious foods that are “free” from the many things I can’t eat, and of course, I’m thankful for people who encourage (and put up with) me when I have to eat drastically differently than they do.

My experience over the last many months has led me to better understand why people eat the way they do. It’s also helped me to appreciate the many symptoms that might accompany issues with the food we’re eating. (If you’re not familiar with this concept, I encourage you to ask questions or do research on the foods that could be causing undesirable digestive, inflammatory, respiratory, neurological, or behavioral symptoms).

As we work on making healthy food choices and using good mealtime manners, I hope we will be incited to also be gracious to each other, giving each other “space” to eat differently as needed.

How about you? I’d love to hear about your food challenges, whether they’re similar to mine or different. Hopefully we can all be an encouragement and support to each other!