Last week I was working with a student who has recently started a new job. We were talking about our personal strengths which help us succeed at meeting others’ expectations, and our weaknesses, or challenges, which could impede our ability to meet those.

I first listed my strengths as:

-       Communication (the ability to express my thoughts and to connect with others through language)

-       Problem-solving (being able to imagine helpful responses that can resolve issues and help people move to a “next step”)

-       Experience (almost 20 years of living and working with people with autism and Asperger Syndrome, and helping individuals and families succeed)

-       Good work ethic, attention to detail, ability to multi-task, and passion for my work

When I moved to listing my weaknesses, or challenges, we talked about the fact that often our strengths can also be considered negatives! Here’s how that looks for me:

-       Communication (sometimes I may provide too much information, which can be overwhelming or annoying to others)

-       Problem-solving (people don’t always need or want their problems solved; I sometimes need to remind myself that others need to solve their own problems, and I simply need to listen and affirm as they talk about that process)

-       Experience (all the experience in the world can’t ever completely prepare me for the next unique individual or family that walks into my life. I need to start at the beginning with each one, using my experience to guide me, and not assuming anything).

-       My good work ethic, etc. can sometimes cause me to hyper-focus on my work. Although I am efficient and productive, other things in my life (my family, relaxation, friendships) can suffer unless I am deliberate about striving for balance

Does your list work the same way? Do you have personal strengths that can also be considered weaknesses or challenges?

Consider this…many people, which may include those who are elderly, young children, people with “disabilities,” or those who are economically “disadvantaged,” are described or known through their weaknesses or challenges. The World English Dictionary defines the prefix “dis” as indicating “negation, lack, or deprivation.” Would any of us want to be known only by the things that are difficult for us?

If we adjust our perspective, could those perceived “negatives” also be seen as strengths? Here’s my social “incite” for this week: Let’s try to define people and interact with them in positive terms of who they are, and what they are able to do or contribute, not in terms of what is difficult for them, or what they cannot do!

 

What do you fear? Injury, illness, death? Spiders, black cats, heights? Something happening to your children, broken relationships, or financial ruin? Failure, or maybe even success?

From the time we first become aware of the potential for catastrophe, we know the feeling of fear. Even my two-year-old, who saw a car flipped over a few weeks ago on a snowy day, now says frequently as we drive around town, “Be careful, Mom! Car flip over? Get hurt? …God will take care of us!”

He’s got the right idea! I’ve been spending time thinking about the role fear plays in our lives after recently reading the book, Fearless: Imagine a Life Without Fear, by Max Lucado. It’s a reassuring look at the assurance many of us have from knowing to whom we belong, who is controlling all of life, and where we are going when life here on earth is finished.

Yet the reality is that fear often threatens to invade our lives, both as instantaneous fight-or-flight-provoking experiences, or gnawing lay-awake-at-night concerns.

Fear can be a helpful emotion, if it prompts us to respond in ways that keep us safe and healthy, and help us to maintain supportive relationships or get our needs met.

However, fear can also shut us down, or cause us to act impulsively in ways that endanger our health, relationships, well-being, or even our lives. Many people suffer from debilitating anxiety, only sometimes successfully alleviated through medications, therapy, and other supports. (For specific statistics on the prevalence of anxiety disorders in adults, you can start by clicking here). Today we are increasingly aware of the significance of anxiety even among children and teens. (Click here for more information).

Although life experiences and increasing maturity can help decrease anxiety in some people, for others, more deliberate strategies are needed. In addition to Max Lucado’s excellent book, we have compiled several resources for people of all ages which you can find on this site.

“Don’t worry…” Sometimes it’s easier said than done. But it’s worth the effort expended to conquer our fears so that we can enjoy the blessings of each day that’s given to us!

Several past Social Incites™ articles have prompted responses from readers who agree that social understanding should be an integral part of school and home instruction. To further illustrate the importance of deliberately teaching social understanding, here are a few examples from my social coaching experience:

-       One young man recently said he wasn’t impressed by the nice things his parents were saying about him during a consultation with me. When I questioned him about that, he said, “When they say those nice things, I just think about all the times I haven’t done them!” As we further discussed his perceptions, it seemed that he didn’t realize that no one is perfect, and that although everyone has both strengths and challenges, we typically are not consistent in those. While a person may be mostly kind, he/she might still say or do unkind things occasionally. And a person who is characterized as being honest might not always be 100% honest. The important thing is that we learn to acknowledge our mistakes, and the times we hurt others, so that we can respond in a way that helps to repair the damage or heal the hurts.

-       One mom who is working to meet the expectations of the court so that she can be reunited with her son indicated that she doesn’t know what activities to do with him during her parenting time. As we talked further, it also became clear that she didn’t fully understand the expectations of her social worker and probation officer. Now that she has a better understanding of what they’re looking for, and strategies she can use to be successful, she has much more control over her choices and the outcomes!

-       Recently one of our students made arrangements to eat lunch with a new colleague during break time at his job. Although he had to step outside his comfort zone to make those plans, he said, “Laurel said we should do this. Now I have a new friend!”

-       Many of our students fail to implement regular/daily hygiene practices which would ensure that they look and smell clean and presentable. Without coaching from parents and social coaches, they often remain mystified as to why they struggle to find or maintain employment or friendship opportunities. Certain changes like showering regularly, wearing deodorant, brushing teeth, and making sure hair and clothing is neat and clean can create new opportunities for connecting with other people!

-       Many parents use our coaching services for help managing difficult behaviors at home. A “social understanding” approach helps to ensure that the parents are first considering the reasons for their children’s behaviors, then helps the parents establish and define—in a way their children can understand-- reasonable expectations, strategies for meeting those, and appropriate consequences (both positive and negative). Both parents and children feel empowered to successfully navigate their ever-changing relationship, and the tools they develop can also be used with other relationships!

Yes, “social” is complicated! No two people are the same, and no two social interactions are exactly alike! But we can all continue to add to our toolbox of useful strategies for understanding ourselves and other people, and for responding in “effective” ways that work for ourselves and others!

This past weekend, my family and I scheduled a one-week vacation for this summer. The process we followed is one we use for many decisions at our home, using The Social Response Pyramid™ as a Personal Success Plan. It’s the same plan I use with many of my clients as I listen to their stories, and help them sort out “next steps” for reaching their goals. Here’s how the process works:

1.     OUR CONTEXT: First, we examine the reality of what we have to deal with. This includes work schedules, financial constraints, other summer commitments, travel preferences, favorite destinations (and their availability), etc.

2.     OUR DREAMS: Obviously, there are many things we dream of doing as a family. While not all are feasible at this time (especially given each of the things detailed under “OUR CONTEXT,”), examining our dreams helps to identify our values and keeps some of those more distant dreams alive in our conversations.

3.     WHAT’S DO-ABLE: We made decisions about what we’d like “OUR CONTEXT” to look like at vacation time. We decided we’d like a 6-day vacation on our 26-foot boat (cozy quarters, but we’re able to trailer it to our destination, and it’s much less expensive to stay on that and prepare our own meals than to stay in a hotel and eat in restaurants…plus we enjoy it!)

4.     STRATEGIES: We brainstormed many possibilities, including some favorite destinations, and some that we’ve dreamed of going to but haven’t yet tried.

5.     RESPONSES/NEXT STEPS: We worked through the next three steps that would get us to our vacation: making reservations at each of our three destinations for the 6-day vacation, determining a budget and setting aside the funds, and clearing our work schedules for the week we chose.

Many years ago, I developed The Social Response Pyramid™ to help people to be more effective in their interactions with others. In keeping with the mission of SOCIAL INCITES, LLC, the Pyramid can be used to grow both personally and interpersonally! I use it frequently, not only to teach my students and to interact more effectively with my own family, but also to evaluate my life and plan for my own success! Without it, our vacation remained a dream. Once we took time to step through the process, we were able to be productive, make decisions, and have now worked through the steps that will make our goals a reality! Even though there’s still snow on the ground in Michigan, we now have a vacation scheduled that helps all of us look forward to summer!

For a very limited time, you can download a FREE copy of the Personal Success Plan template from our web site! I hope it will help you step toward your goals, too!