My youngest son is 22 months old. He has developed a wonderful habit of saying, “Thank you!” any time someone helps him with something. He’ll even say it to store clerks when they help someone else! Noah does this both because he’s been taught to do so (initially through sign language, and now through spoken words), and because it’s been consistently modeled for him and expected of him.

With the American “Thanksgiving” holiday approaching later this week, this is a great time for us to follow Noah’s lead. We can say, “Thank you” for a variety of things, both big and small.

For starters, I’d like to personally thank the following:

-       The thousands of people who read Social Incites™. I am grateful for your willingness to welcome my insights into your life each week, and appreciate the times you respond with thanks, questions, or insights of your own.

-       My thousands of Facebook fans, who help me promote social understanding and autism awareness. I maintain several Facebook pages, including:

o    A Gray Center page

o    A page for Social Incites™

o    Social Coaching for Workplace Success (updates on resources, classes, and more)

o    Growth Groups (updates on meetings and events for West Michigan teens/young adults and their families)

o    The Social Response Pyramid™ (updates on related resources, sales, and more)

-       People with ASD and your families, teachers, employers, and other significant people in your lives. You are my inspiration! I continue to learn from you every day, and hope that I can be as great a help to you as you are to me. (If I have coached you or provided a consultation, please consider completing this short survey to provide feedback on this service).

-       Steve, Nelson, Rick, Jane, Amy, Kathy, Marcia, and Erika—the people who have helped as Gray Center staff members or volunteers this past year, helping to make groups, classes, sales, and one-on-one support possible.

-       My family. For the past 15 years, my work at The Gray Center has been a labor of love which often involves you, or takes me away from you. Your words of encouragement and acts of assistance make it possible for me to devote the majority of my time each week to serving our local and global communities! I am especially grateful for the opportunities and abilities given to me by my Heavenly Father (Jeremiah 29:11, Philippians 4:13). To Him be the glory!

From me to you, a huge “Thank you!” Who will you thank today? And how can you “incite” others around you to do the same?

I wish I could say that as a “Social Coach,” I have answers to social dilemmas and use that information consistently to produce SOCIALLY EFFECTIVE RESPONSES. Unfortunately, as a human being, I am susceptible to the same CONTEXT issues that everyone else is, and I occasionally (okay, maybe frequently) forget to STRATEGIZE, and end up generating AUTHENTIC RESPONSES that I later regret because they don’t work well for me or for the people around me in my SOCIAL CONTEXT.

Consider this real-life example that I experienced just last weekend:

I was battling traffic on a Saturday morning to get to the bank. I had just dropped my son off at school for a theater rehearsal, and taken my daughter to the library for a book club meeting. My toddler was fussing in the back seat, I was fretting over the engine noise in my vehicle which was scheduled to go to the mechanic on Monday morning, and loud and uncomfortable growling noises from my stomach suddenly made me realize that I hadn’t taken time to eat breakfast as I ran out the door.

When I arrived at the ATM drive-through lane, I pulled past the first ATM machine to the one at the far end of the lane (a SOCIALLY EFFECTIVE RESPONSE, given that the instructions posted on the wall indicate that this is the expectation of bank employees, and I know it’s the courteous thing to do in case someone else arrives wanting to use the other ATM). When I pulled next to the second ATM, I noted that a sign was posted on the screen indicating that this ATM was out of service! I looked in my rear-view mirror, noted that no one was at the ATM behind me, and began driving in reverse to return to that functioning ATM. Suddenly another vehicle pulled in, and even though I was just a few feet from my destination, that driver insisted on forcing me forward so that he could get to that ATM.

Mumbling words of frustration about inconsiderate drivers who don’t care about “social niceties” or even unspoken social rules, I drove around the drive-thru section of the bank and returned to the entrance of the ATM lane. By then, the second driver had also pulled through to the first ATM (I guess he had some awareness of courtesy and social expectations, after all), and had discovered the reason I had been struggling when he first arrived. Touché! As I pulled gleefully behind him to the first ATM, that driver suddenly put his vehicle in reverse, and began vying for the spot to which I was heading. Instead of giving up and driving around like I had, he put his arm out his window and motioned me to move back, as he continued to drive his vehicle closer to mine. When he had edged me out far enough, he got out of his vehicle and used the ATM.

By then, I was hungry, stressed, frustrated, AND angry! As he completed his business, I noted rather smugly that the other driver’s vehicle sported a bumper sticker from my favorite Christian radio station. I reasoned that because I wasn’t advertising that I had that in common with him, I was justified in not giving him quite enough room to position his vehicle directly in front of the ATM machine.

As I finally made my deposit at the ATM and prepared to drive away, my brain cleared enough to recognize that I was indeed “behaving badly.” I had allowed my emotions, sensory functioning, and immediate needs (hunger, stress, the desire to hurry home, etc.) to cause me to “meltdown,” avoiding the strategies available to me, and generating AUTHENTIC RESPONSES instead of SOCIALLY EFFECTIVE RESPONSES. I could have reminded myself that it would only take a few minutes out of my day to wait patiently for the other driver to complete his banking. I could have used calming techniques to keep from getting so agitated. I could have coached myself to “take the high road,” reminding myself that the other driver was experiencing the same frustrations with the out-of-order ATM that I had, and was resorting to the exact same strategy I had attempted just moments before. And I could have been more aware of my toddler in the back seat, who carefully observes my responses (good and bad), and often emulates them!

The Social Response Pyramid™ helped me settle down and return to the rest of my day a little less frustrated, and more prepared to be SOCIALLY EFFECTIVE. It also helped me coach myself toward choices I hope to make if I’m ever in this situation (or similar situations) again in the future.

No, a “Social Coach” doesn’t always have all the answers, nor does a social coach always apply the answers in effective ways. But this social coach is committed to using “lead coaching, peer coaching, and self-coaching” to continually strive to be more socially effective, hopefully making this world a better place for myself and all those with whom I interact!

I hope you’ll join me in that!

This past week the media was full of photos and news from the devastation from “Hurricane Sandy.” This mega-storm system in the eastern United States brought high winds and tide, storm surges, pounding waves, driving winds, and in some areas, blinding snowstorms. The effects were that homes were toppled from their foundations or filled with water or sand, streets became impassable, vehicles floated away, and hundreds of thousands of people were left without homes, electricity, food, water, and in too many cases, even loved ones.

Whenever I read or hear of devastation from hurricanes, earthquakes, floods, tornadoes, fires, and other natural or human-caused chaos, I immediately think of all the victims struggling to meet their most basic needs. I am also acutely aware of how overwhelming this can be for individuals with autism.

Autism makes it difficult to process other people’s expectations, situations, sensory information, and events and to respond effectively. Typically this causes people with autism to crave routine and predictability, which provides comfort and enables them to function more successfully. Chaotic, devastating events such as this past week’s storm turn everything upside down, for individuals with autism, and for the people who care for them.

How can we help individuals with autism process, make sense of, and respond effectively to devastation and loss when it is incomprehensible even to us?

-       Specifically note the positives, including the people who are helping to meet our needs or the needs of others, the tools/strategies that are in place to improve the situation, and the progress that is made from day to day, even if it seems miniscule or unimportant.

-       Create a timeline to help promote hope, and to demonstrate even gradual improvement over time.

-       Be sure to note the things that have NOT changed. Were some favorite items salvaged? Are family members and friends still there? Are some familiar routines still in place?

Fortunately these devastating situations typically mobilize family members, neighbors and other community members, and even partners from around the world to provide necessary supplies and funding to bring about improvement in the lives of those who have lost so much. There are also teaching tools and other resources which can be used to provide understanding, comfort, and “next steps.” (Go to www.thegraycenter.org for Carol Gray's New Social Story Book: Anniversary Edition, which contains Stories about wildfires and evacuations which can be adapted for other forms of devastation, and her Guide to Grief and Loss for helping people deal with loss in a variety of forms. Fidgets can also be helpful for dealing with stress and overwhelm

However you have been impacted by devastation, whether as a recipient or a bystander, I hope you’ll continue to promote social understanding, and use your resources to do what you can to bring hope and comfort to those who need it.