This week many of us living in the United States will take a break to give thanks over the Thanksgiving holiday. Students and school staff will be thankful for a break from school, as will all the others who get a welcome holiday from their work. Families will give thanks for the loved ones gathered around their table, as well as those who are far away.

At Social Incites, LLC, my family and I are thankful for many things:

-       The scores of people who call, e-mail, or visit us throughout the year. Your stories inspire us, your questions help us learn and share what we have learned, and your encouragement keeps us going!

-       The parents and other family members, friends, teachers, administrators, counselors, employers, employees, and numerous others who are regularly working to provide social insight. You are making a noticeable, positive difference in our world!

-       The opportunity to use our God-given time and talents to bless others, to enrich our lives, and to make the world a better place.

We give thanks for each one of you, and all that you are doing to promote personal and interpersonal growth!

Please watch our Facebook page and this site this week for more things we’re thankful for, and for exciting new opportunities to WIN free resources!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Last week I wrote an article about our tendency to view others' actions as "inappropriate behavior." I challenged all of us to consider the antecedents for those behaviors, as well as what people know about their choices and the effects that they have on others around them.

I'll be the first to admit that I sometimes tell my own children that they are "behaving inappropriately." But I have learned to stop when I use those words, and to consider whether that's my own personal judgment, or whether others, too, would consider the behavior to be inappropriate. Then I evaluate whether more information is needed so that my children can make more effective choices.

But there are times when I, too, "behave inappropriately." I'm guessing that most of you can identify with that tendency. Some of our responses (things we do and say) are less than socially effective, if not downright disastrous. We misjudge the social context (who's here and what they know, feel, think, or expect), and utilize misguided attempts at being funny, smart, or compassionate--and end up looking anything but! We have figures of speech which describe these social blunders, such as "putting our foot in our mouth," or "getting off on the wrong foot." (If you'd like help deciphering these and other idioms, one good resource is http://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/put+foot+in+mouth. Another is the children's book, Super Silly Sayings That Are Over Your Head, by Catherine Snodgrass. It's a delightful book which uses illustrations and explanations to show the intended meaning of idioms after showing their literal interpretation.

OK, so we all occasionally mess up socially. What are we to do about it? I believe we need to go through at least three steps:

1. ACKNOWLEDGE the mess, including how we are feeling about the situation, and how others are feeling.

1. RECOGNIZE our role in the negative outcome of the interaction, whether it's simply an uncomfortable moment, or a complete disaster. Examine how the choice we made, whether it was something we said or did, or something we should have done or said, but didn't, contributed to the current situation.

3. Work to REPAIR the situation. The words, "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have said that. What can I do to make it better?" are an important part of repairing a negative situation. A genuine apology will have at least these three components: Saying we're sorry, acknowledging our role in the current situation, and taking part in the necessary repair process. (A great book for teaching this concept to children is Sorry! by Trudy Ludwig).

This three-step process should be followed by new choices that take into account what we've learned, hopefully leading to more socially effective responses.

So, there's hope for all of us when we occasionally speak or act in a socially ineffective way. The important thing is that we keep trying, knowing that those around us occasionally make mistakes, too!

 

Are you often appalled by the "inappropriate behavior" that you witness in school, at home, or out in the community? Do you struggle to teach others how to "behave appropriately?"

I believe that the vocabulary we use to make sense of our social environment affects both our understanding of people and situations, as well as the way we respond to them. That's why I make a point to learn about the meanings of words--both as defined in a dictionary, as well as contrived through everyday use.

The two words contained in the title of today's article are prime examples of this. Let's start with "behavior." Many dictionary definitions focus on the end result when they define behavior. They employ terms such as, "observable activity, demeanor, manner," etc. I think that our common usage of the word "behavior" is generally consistent with these ideas. We tend to view others' actions as isolated, visible activities. If we assign any hint of prior action to it, we typically assign a choice. In other words, we often believe that people "choose" to "behave" a certain way. Of course, we're more likely to do this with negative behaviors than positive ones, especially with a person who frequently "misbehaves!" The most insightful information I found was from the American Heritage Dictionary, which stated, after giving synonyms for behavior, "These nouns all pertain to a person's actions as they constitute a means of evaluation by others." Note that "behavior" as defined in this way, depends very much on the person doing the observing!

The word "appropriate" has a similar twist to it. A common definition for this word contains something like this, "suitable for a particular person or place or condition etc;" Who determines what's appropriate for a given situation? The implication is that others determine that!

Both words in the title of this article, "Appropriate Behavior," empower the audience, or "others," and remove control of the situation from those doing the acting. I believe there's a better alternative!

Buried in some of the definitions of "behavior" is the word, "reaction." What this implies is that there's an antecedent for the behavior; that the observable action is in response to something else. In fact, whether or not an action was based on a conscious choice, a "behavior" is usually a response to input. That's why I prefer to use the term "response" as opposed to "behavior," since it reminds us that there's a lot going on under the surface prior to the "tip of the iceberg" end result that we're able to observe.

And since the word "appropriate" can leave the judgment of others' actions completely in the eyes of the beholder, I prefer the term, "effective." A response either works, or it doesn't, or in the words of the dictionary, "effective" means, "adequate to accomplish a purpose." Effective responses lead us toward a goal, whether the goal is getting a job done or interacting successfully with others.

Look how a change in our vocabulary can positively affect the way we interact with others! If Tom refuses to raise his hand in class and frequently interrupts, in spite of frequent admonitions from the teacher, recognizing his actions as a "response" leads us to question what information he might be missing about classroom expectations (and the purpose for those), as well as the effect that his actions has on others. We can also help him to understand how raising his hand to ask a question (or to provide an answer to the teacher's question) helps him to be more "socially effective," along with the teacher and the other students in the class. Raising his hand is both a strategy and a response as defined by my "Social Response Pyramid(TM)." Tom's overall goal is to be socially effective, but in this case, it is more narrowly defined as either getting necessary information, or giving relevant information. His raising his hand "works" (or is effective) in this particular environment given the other people in the room and their expectations for him and the others in that context.

Rather than bemoaning Tom's "inappropriate behavior" of interrupting throughout the instructional time, we can instead help him to generate a "socially effective response"--one that empowers him as an active participant in the success of everyone in the social context of his classroom.

We are all capable of producing ineffective responses, whether or not they are related to conscious choices. And all of us have done things that could be described as "inappropriate behavior"--if you don't believe, me, ask your parents (or your children)! Yet I think it can be much more helpful in our work of promoting social insight and understanding to focus on "effective responses" rather than "appropriate behaviors." (Feel free to comment on this article here. Whether you agree or disagree, your comments and insights are always welcome!)

Best wishes as you work to produce socially effective responses, and to enable others to do the same!

Last week I wrote about “Healthy Relationships.” There are many ways to foster healthy relationships, and many great resources to help. Unfortunately, not all relationships are healthy. I often receive questions about how to help students deal with kids at school who are being unkind. Often a typical reaction is to get angry and respond in a similar fashion, which typically proves to be rather ineffective.

I know that many of you are well-acquainted with this and similar situations! Bullying doesn’t happen just in schools. It occurs in homes, neighborhoods, places of worship, workplaces…anywhere people interact with each other. The sheer magnitude of research and resources on bullying is an indication of the prevalence of this issue, as well as the numerous methods of dealing with it. While some people might recommend "ignoring" the teasing or "just standing up to it," we know that these rather pat answers are not supported by research, and are not likely to be effective when applied to a situation where a child with an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) or some other disability is on the receiving end of the unkind words or actions.

Basically, there are three people (or groups of people) involved in a bullying attempt. First, there is the child or person who is being "picked on." There is also the instigator/perpetrator, or the person attempting to do the bullying. Finally, there are likely bystanders, or people who might be in a position to ensure that the attempts are not successful. Most successful strategies address all three people or groups.

While the "victim" should not be blamed for the bullying attempts, he or she can be helped to identify these attempts, to respond in a more effective manner, and to cope with the ensuing emotions and feelings in a positive way. Everyone can be taught how to identify and promote healthy relationships, and how to get involved when they observe a bullying attempt. And we can all work to ensure that we are not the ones doing the bullying! Some great resources include:

-       Stick Up For Yourself (available with corresponding teacher’s manual)

-       The Juice Box Bully

-       The Bullying Workbook for Teens
-       Just Kidding
-       The Bully, The Bullied, and the Bystander…How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle
-       Anti-bullying stickers
-       Band Against Bullying wristband

No one is alone in their frustration and concern those who are being bullied. I hope that Social Incites™ readers will also post suggestions and/or encouragement here or on our Facebook page.

Best wishes as you promote personal and interpersonal growth in your corner of the world!