About a year ago I was backing out of our driveway, keeping a close eye on the vehicle my son had parked off to the side to ensure that I wouldn’t hit it. I suddenly heard a sickening “thud” as I remembered that my husband had likely parked his vehicle behind mine when he came home from work the previous night.

My car now has a small dent in the back bumper to match the dent in my wounded pride. Although I was initially tempted to be frustrated with my husband (who hadn’t cleaned out his half of the garage to be able to keep a vehicle inside), I had to admit that the accident was no one’s fault other than my own. Each time I see the dent I am reminded of how quickly accidents can happen—and the need to be more alert to my surroundings.

My oldest son has a driver’s license. As I waited for him to meet me at a doctor’s appointment soon after that incident, I suddenly realized that for the rest of my life, I will be wondering where he is, and whether he’s safe. I’ve learned important lessons in “letting go,” but am becoming more aware daily that a parent’s job is never really done. I agonized so long over my son completing his practice hours, and then taking the test to get his driver’s license, that I never really thought about what it would really mean to have him driving independently.

Thankfully, he has been a very careful driver, and has not yet had an accident. Hopefully my incident will help temper my response if ever he does have an accident, as I have personally experienced the reality that it can happen to anyone!

And now that I’ve given myself this pep-talk, I can proceed through driver’s training with my second son. He’s already been told by his instructors that it’s always better to not be the first driver in a family—apparently other moms and dads tend to relax more with subsequent children, too!

If you are familiar with autism, you know that autism spectrum disorders are often referred to by the acronym “ASD,” and people who do not have autism are often referred to as “neurotypicals,” or NT’s. There is extensive information about how people get diagnosed with ASD, primarily based on observable behaviors in a variety of settings falling into three basic categories: language and communication, social interaction, and imagination/routines/interests.

Yet why do we diagnose some people as having autism, and then simply refer to the rest informally as neurotypicals? Wouldn’t it make more sense to also diagnose people with “NT?” To my knowledge, there is no research or practical application of this concept. So based on my years as a self-diagnosed NT, and having had many years of experience with both people with autism and people without autism, I think the following should be considered partial criteria for diagnosing someone with NT:

-       INCONSISTENCY: To qualify as an “NT” a person must exhibit inconsistency in all three categories. An NT will demonstrate inconsistency in their use of language (not matching words with meaning, but assigning a hidden meaning to words that cannot be taken literally), social interaction (treating some people differently than others, acting as though they are one person with one group of individuals, and acting another way with another group, or developing unwritten social rules but not following those consistently across contexts), and imagination/routines/interests (imagining things that cannot really happen, not adhering to specific routines but changing them often, and having interests that are not particularly well-developed or consistent).Other labels which could be assigned to NT’s include: disingenuous, dishonest, disinterested, distrustful, and distracted.

-       LACK OF FOCUS: An NT is characteristically easily distracted by a wide variety of people, interests, conversations, abilities, fears, and tasks. Rather than having a singular focus, they are frequently noted to “multi-task” with their activities, interactions, and emotions. Brain research has identified that the brain is incapable of focusing on more than one thought or activity at any given time. Given that reality, an NT can frequently be observed to use the excuse of “multi-tasking” to waste time, money, talents, and even valuable relationships.

When I give presentations about autism, I frequently have attendees approach me and say, “Wow—that sounds just like my son/daughter/spouse/parent/co-worker!” Occasionally someone will even say, “You described me the entire time!” So I’m curious, now that you have heard the beginning of a list of “diagnostic criteria” for neurotypicals, are you also noting the people in your life who fit this “diagnosis?” Are you a self-diagnosed NT?

OK, so today’s Social Incites™ may be a bit uncharacteristically “tongue-in-cheek.” But I hope it “incites” you to think more about diagnoses and what they mean. Do they define you? Do we allow them to define others? Do we like the attention they draw to the negative aspects of a person’s abilities, functioning, etc.? Is there a better way to view and respond to each other???

If you’ve read to the end of today’s article, congratulations on “thinking outside the box!” I thank you for considering perspectives which might not have occurred to you before. I especially want to thank some of my friends (who happen to be diagnosed with ASD) for raising my awareness of the inconsistencies in the way we do diagnosing, and consequently, the way we perceive and interact with others who are “not typical.”

I’m guessing you’re familiar with the saying, “Think outside the box.” We know that it refers to trying something new, but what exactly is “the box?”

If you’re familiar with my Social Response Pyramid™, you know that the basis of the Pyramid is the fact that we each have a unique “starting point,” or CONTEXT. It is comprised of our past experiences and how we feel about them, our personality, emotions, interests, abilities, challenges, expectations, fears, etc. It is the bottom red portion of the Pyramid, and for each of us, it is essentially “our box!”

Our individual CONTEXT represents what’s comfortable and familiar for a person. For most of us, it defines the concept “normal,” as in, “Normal is whatever is familiar and comfortable to me.” When we think “outside the box,” we are demonstrating a willingness to step outside our own “comfort zone;” to go beyond the boundaries of things we’ve previously experienced, considered, preferred, or believed to be true.

So, how big is your box? Do you regularly expand the boundaries of your CONTEXT to include new ideas, information, people, and experiences? Do you look for or welcome new opportunities to learn and grow? Do you make room for other people’s ideas, emotions, and responses?

There are times when it is tempting to hold tightly to our “box,” without considering other ways of thinking, feeling, and responding. Yet thinking, feeling, and responding “outside the box” is a great way to meet our needs (nourish), grow, connect, and contribute—all essential components of growing personally and interpersonally!

How will you extend the confines of your CONTEXT (or “box”) this week? Feel free to email me your ideas and stories, or comment on this article on Facebook or here!

“Good manners will open doors that the best education cannot.” (Clarence Thomas) 

It’s true. Displaying good manners is one form of “packaging” that helps to create opportunities for us to contribute to society. The Collins English Dictionary defines “manners” in this way:
1.     Social conduct
2.     A socially acceptable way of behaving

Who defines “a socially acceptable way of behaving?” Generally it’s other people. In many instances, “manners” were determined many years, if not decades or centuries ago. Displaying good manners includes the following:

-       Using words like please, thank you, excuse me, or I’m sorry—accompanied by actions that show that we are sincere.

-       Using our bodies in a way that helps others feel safe and comfortable, and doesn’t draw negative attention to ourselves. This includes chewing with our mouth closed, keeping our hands to ourselves, staying seated or standing when expected, shaking hands or giving a hug to greet someone, politely covering a cough or a sneeze, and holding a door open to allow others to pass through before us, along with waiting our turn in other circumstances.

-       Managing our emotions (excitement, anger, frustration, fear) effectively so that we and others can interact with each other successfully.

People do notice when we use good manners, even though they may not always comment on it. However, people are even more likely to notice when we do NOT use good manners, or when our “mannerisms” are more noticeable than our manners. The World English Dictionary defines a “mannerism” as “a distinctive and individual gesture or trait; idiosyncrasy.” While the connotation of mannerisms isn’t always negative, in our social coaching classes as my husband and I are teaching about the importance of “packaging,” we focus on positive manners that we need to increase, and negative mannerisms that we need to decrease. Mannerisms often draw negative attention to ourselves. Instead of noticing how hard we work, or how polite we are, people notice things like picking (noses, skin, etc.), chewing on things other than food, tapping pencils or bouncing a foot when we’re sitting, and my own weakness, saying, “Um…” when I’m doing public speaking!

My husband recently published a fun book called, The Pick-A-Roo! This is a true story from Steve’s own childhood, which describes a mannerism that drew people’s attention to his younger brother on the baseball field. “He did play the game of baseball quite well, but upon that point, no one would dwell…” This is a great resource for teaching about mannerisms, and helping young people and adults to laugh at our own idiosyncrasies, but also find ways to overcome them when necessary.


Manners and mannerisms are an important component of our packaging and how we present ourselves to others. “Clothes and manners do not make the man; but, when he is made, they greatly improve his appearance.” (Henry Ward Beecher) 

When I was in college, we had a dorm party in which parents sent wrapped gifts, and the female students in my dorm passed a package around while music played, keeping the gift which was in our possession when the music stopped. Girls were allowed to “steal” packages from each other until the game was completed, at which time we would each open the gift that was in our possession at the end of the game. There was one very large, neatly wrapped gift which was “stolen” numerous times during the course of the game. Each student believed that the biggest, most beautiful package was probably also the best. Some parent obviously knew a lot about human nature—and had a great sense of humor—for when the present was finally opened by the “lucky winner” at the end of the game, we discovered that the gift contained several rolls of toilet paper!

One of the lessons I frequently teach to new students is one which I call, “Packaging.” I tell them that I have a gift to give them, and ask which they would prefer to receive. I have one which is contained in a neatly wrapped gift box, and another in a crumpled old brown bag, which I suggest looks like “yesterday’s lunch.” As you might imagine, most students indicate they would rather receive a gift which is packaged neatly and professionally (although there is typically one student in every class who figures there must be a “catch,” and identifies they would rather have the other gift).

After they’ve indicated their preference, I reveal that both presents, although packaged differently, contain the same “gifts.” Inside each, I have note cards on which I’ve written various “gifts” which we all have to give (friendship, forgiveness, time, talents, affirmation, material goods, etc.). 

My point is that we all have a tendency to “judge” the packaging of a gift to determine whether or not we want the gift. The same is true for people and the “gifts” (personality traits, talents, and other resources) we have to offer to others. People are more likely to want to access our many gifts if our “packaging” is neat and professional, rather than seeming like “yesterday’s lunch.” Our packaging is comprised of our hygiene and personal appearance, our manners and mannerisms, our body language, the things we do and say, our voice volume, our language (and whether it’s appropriate), our respect for others, etc. Our packaging is essentially how we “present” ourselves to others, and plays a major role in whether people will readily give us opportunities to share our gifts with them.

Our packaging affects opportunities for friendship, employment, joining conversations, participating fully in social activities like sports and clubs, getting excellent service at restaurants and other businesses, and more. While there are laws reducing discrimination, the reality is that typically, the better our packaging is, the more we will be able to fully access opportunities such as these.

The good news is that there is much we can do to ensure that our packaging appeals to others like a neatly wrapped gift! Our web site contains many recommended resources for teaching skills for social effectiveness.

Best wishes as you “present” yourself to the world this week. May you have many opportunities to share your “gifts” with others!