Last week I wrote about “The Great Dilemma,” on the heels of “The Great Fake.” Socially, we often fake interest or other emotions in order to be socially effective; to have the things we do and say work well with the people around us. It’s something we all do, not to be insincere, but to experience social success.

I once had a mother ask me what I would say to her daughter who has summarized the great dilemma in this way: “You always told me not to worry about what people think of me. Now you’re telling me to worry about what other people think of me! What am I supposed to do?”

I’m guessing we’ve all experienced this social dilemma first-hand. We want to celebrate our uniqueness; to be appreciated for who we are. We would like to be able to wear what we want to wear, say what we want to say, eat what we want to eat, go where we want to go, and do what we want to do. Yet most of us discovered long ago that we cannot simply follow our own agenda. Others also have their own unique feelings, thoughts, opinions, experiences, and expectations, which sometimes conflict with our own, or may for some reason, or at some times, take precedence over ours.

That reality is also known as “theory of mind,” and being able to employ this and respond effectively is the root of empathy. The ability to recognize and meet others’ expectations, or to change their expectations in a positive way, generally leads to our social success.

When we struggle to recognize and meet others’ expectations, we may experience social frustration and/or failure. That can lead to a sense of being powerless, and a lack of desire to interact with others. Many people have experienced this type of social isolation due to Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), which make reading and responding effectively to social cues very difficult.

There’s an old saying attributed to Francis Bacon, which is generally rephrased as, “Knowledge is Power.” Demystifying the social context, by providing information about what people think, feel, know, expect, etc., as well as the choices we have available to us and potential consequences accompanying those, can restore a level of control and comfort, and even success. It allows us to make “informed social choices.”

Are there opportunities to “be ourselves?” Sure there are! Can we dye our hair blue? Yes, but we should do so knowing that while some people may applaud our individuality, others may stare, point, laugh, or ridicule. We may be included in some social contexts, but excluded from others. Our hair color may keep us from getting the job we want, or may cause us to lose a job where there is a policy (stated or unstated) against unnatural hair color. As we weigh the consequences of our choices, we may find that we prefer to continue to express ourselves in spite of the way others react to us. If we dislike the consequences of this choice, it’s important to remember that we are not helpless. While dying our hair blue is one choice, we have other choices.  There may be other, more “socially acceptable” ways to express our individuality. For example, we might choose to dye our hair a color that’s different from our own, but still within society’s expectations. Or we might choose to dye it blue on weekends when we’re with our friends (temporary hair color provides this option). Or perhaps wearing our favorite shade of blue in the form of apparel rather than hair color allows us to enjoy flaunting our individuality in a way that’s generally more readily accepted by others.

In closing, it’s important to note that there are some times, situations, and/or places where we do not have options for expressing our individuality. “Crossing a line” in those areas will lead to certain unpleasant consequences for ourselves and possibly for others. I’ve heard this referred to (by author Jane Thierfeld Brown) as, “Non-optional social compliance.” One example of this is that we cannot make physical threats against ourselves or others. We need to be teaching these absolutes to ensure that our children and students have the necessary knowledge and information to enjoy success and avoid life-altering negative consequences.

Next week I’ll provide information about ways to demystify the social context and teach the social absolutes so that we and the others in our lives can be less frustrated and more effective in our interactions with others!

Last week I wrote about “The Great Fake;” when we control our responses (what we do and say) to match the expectations of others, even if it doesn’t quite accurately or adequately express what we’re currently feeling and thinking. In addition to the examples I described last week, we also use “social fakes” when we pretend not to notice another person’s shortcomings, or don’t voice our opinions when we’re thinking of something that might be hurtful or offensive to others.

People with ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorders) are known to be very genuine and honest. If they have the ability to communicate verbally, they typically “say it like it is.” This important diagnostic detail can help the rest of us to be more understanding and respond more effectively when they say things that we perceive as offensive, hurtful, unkind, disrespectful, or disobedient.

But it’s not enough to simply understand why they do what they do. Along with that, we can be working to help them better understand the SOCIAL CONTEXT; the people with whom they are interacting, and the thoughts, feelings, needs, experiences, and expectations that they bring to the interaction. One strategy for being socially effective is to think about others, and respond in a way that works for them. While this may seen disingenuous or insincere, or not “true to one’s self,” often individuals with ASD can understand this concept if we compare it to an actor or actress. In his or her lifetime, an actor may portray numerous vastly different roles, depending on the needs of the directors, the script, and the targeted audience. These roles may not accurately reflect who they are as real-life people, but they act out a role in order to be successful.

This does not mean that we can never be ourselves, or never tell someone exactly how we’re feeling or what we’re thinking. Again, the SOCIAL CONTEXT helps to determine what information we share with others. How do you respond when someone asks you, “How are you doing today?” In many social contexts, we would simply say, “Fine,” even if we’re not doing well at all. This is because we recognize that the person asking the question is simply extending a polite social gesture to acknowledge our presence and establish a quick connection with us. Their expectation is that we’ll respond that we’re fine, and when we repeat the question to them, they’re likely prepared to give the same response. To begin telling them about the awful day we’re having would be very unexpected, and would likely cause them to feel uncomfortable, and even to respond to us in a way that makes us feel socially awkward and unsuccessful.

How does the SOCIAL CONTEXT affect our responses? Consider again the question, “How are you doing today?” While in most situations we’d respond simply that we’re fine, would you respond differently if it was your therapist, spouse, or best friend asking the question? Most likely, those are people with whom you’d feel comfortable sharing your genuine thoughts and feelings. This is because of your close relationship with them, but perhaps more importantly, you know that they expect you to share your true inner self rather than to fake it.

So we’re often faced with a great dilemma. Does this mean we can rarely “be ourselves” if we want to be socially effective? Do we simply need to go about our lives meeting the expectations of others instead of expressing our genuine thoughts and feelings? Do we need to care more about what others think, or should we celebrate who we are even if others don’t appreciate that?

Keep reading next week for my thoughts on that important question. Over the next week, you can be thinking about this dilemma, and how you might explain it to people with ASD. What do they need to know in order to be socially effective? Feel free to share your thoughts on our blog at www.socialincites.com or on our Facebook page!

I once had the opportunity to hear Micah Fialka Feldman speak about his disabilities, and more importantly, the successes he has enjoyed in spite of his challenges. He is truly an inspiration for those who would question whether someone with cognitive differences can still attend college, live in a dorm, and enjoy a fulfilling life. (Micah’s DVD, “Through the Same Doors,” is a great illustration of how hard Micah works to reach his goals and educate people along the way).

Micah and his parents tell a memorable story about an IEP (Individualized Education Plan) meeting that was held to determine school services for Micah. His family made a practice of having Micah and a couple of his friends attend each of those meetings in addition to the professionals and parents who typically gather at these events. At this particular meeting, a teacher voiced a concern that Micah looked bored in her class. Immediately his parents began thinking about what the problem might be, and how they might work with Micah to improve his responses in the classroom. However, one of Micah’s friends spoke up and told the teacher that in reality, ALL of the students were bored in her class. The other friend added, “The difference between us and Micah is that we’re better at faking it!”

If we’re honest with ourselves, I think that much of our social success depends on our ability to “fake it.” What do we fake? Sometimes, like Micah’s friends, we fake interest in something another person is doing or saying. Other times we might take time to listen to and acknowledge another person’s sorrows and frustrations, suppressing the elation we feel over something exciting in our own life. Or perhaps we fake the reverse of that; in spite of our own difficulties, we find ways to celebrate with others and allow them to feel good about the successes in their lives. Inside we may want to focus on our own triumphs or woes, or our own desires, yet we portray something else to others in order to meet their needs and/or to be viewed positively by them. We recognize that our social success depends on our ability to set aside our own context in order to do and say things that work for others.

Next week I’ll write about the conflict that this presents for people with ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorders). This is one area that typically causes “gaps” in communication or other aspects of interactions with people with autism and Asperger Syndrome. However, although the gaps are likely to remain to some extent, there is still plenty that we can do to help all of us to be successful in our social interactions!

Best wishes to all of you, when you’re on the giving end of the “great fake,” and when you’re on the receiving end of it. When we’re practicing “social insight and understanding,” we recognize that we’ve all likely been on both ends of that quite often throughout our social lives!

I once designed and planted a beautiful flower garden in front of my house. Soon afterward, we moved to another house that sported weeds and rocks in front. There, I resorted to flower boxes on the porch rail, and after admittedly "cheating" the first year by "planting" artificial flowers, the next year I sowed lush little plants that slowly began to cascade down the sides of the pots. Then I moved again! At each location, someone else is now able to enjoy the flowers that I planted. Other people will watch the sprouts begin each spring, buds develop, and strong shoots reach up for the sun. People other than me will cut the flowers and bring them indoors to grace the dinner table.

At my current house, I have a flower garden that was until recently covered with a deep blanket of snow and ice. The perennials in this garden were planted by the former occupants of my home, yet soon I’ll be enjoying the fruits of their labor as the flowers are beginning to emerge from the ground.

I'm struck that our work of promoting “social incite” is a bit like sowing seeds. Through our words and actions, we sow seeds of compliments, encouragement, support, information, instruction, and understanding. Yet many of us rarely get to enjoy the fruits of our own labor. Consider this:

-A specialist delivers a diagnosis of an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) for an individual, but does not get to follow that person's progress beyond one or two office visits.

-A teacher works with a child for one year, and then passes that individual on to another grade and another teacher.

-A therapist assists an individual through a difficult time, and once goals have been reached, his or her work is considered finished.

-A psychologist or other professional sees an individual only periodically, and doesn't have the time with his or her current caseload to be involved in many other aspects of that person's life.

-A grandparent spends time with his or her grandchildren, showers love and affection on them, and then sends them home again for a short or long time.

-A child develops a friendship with a peer, only to have that friend move to a new school or classroom.

-A parent works hard to instill decent morals, work ethic, academic skills, and socialization in his or her children. Yet this parent also deals with the day-to-day challenges inherent with raising children, and may have difficulty identifying progress or potential.

At times, it may be discouraging to realize that although we continually strive to promote social insight and effectiveness, we might not be able to see the results in each person with whom we live and work. Yet here's what I find exciting: This newsletter is being sent to thousands of people around the globe. Each of you is sowing seeds for social success. That means that all around us, we are able to reap the rewards of other people's labor! We can actively look for the beauty that others have sown: kids that are sensitive to others' needs, parents who are sympathetic to a teacher's workload and responsibilities, administrators who take time to listen to and appreciate the children in their schools and the families they represent, people who recognize the potential in each individual, regardless of the presence of a diagnosis, teachers who are flexible enough in the classroom to accommodate the variety of needs and strengths possessed by their students, etc.

Promoting social insight and effectiveness is extremely important, whether we get to reap the rewards of our efforts, or whether we enable someone else to do so. Let's keep sowing those seeds for success!

When I'm driving around town, I sometimes pass new housing developments. It's exciting to watch the progression of a house from a large, nondescript hole in the ground, to a skeleton of wood, to a beautiful home. When the hole is first dug for the basement and foundation, it's difficult for me to imagine how the finished structure will look, and how it will fit into the surrounding neighborhood. Since I'm not the architect who has both a mental picture of the finished product as well as a blueprint for its development, I have a hard time making the mental stretch from a muddy hole to a comfortable dwelling.

I think that our children and students could be compared to the hole in the ground at the beginning of a construction project. Unfortunately, some people tend to view some individuals, including those with autism or other diagnoses, in terms of what they're "missing." There is perhaps no greater frustration for me than to hear someone declare when a child is young that "he will never be in a regular classroom,"  "he will never drive," or "she will never live independently." That's as ridiculous as saying to an architect or contactor, "That hole will never be a home!"

While the diagnosis of an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) is primarily based on differences, delays, or deficits, each individual has numerous strengths as well. Diagnosis or no diagnosis, our children are a "hole" lot of potential! They are already unique individuals, and there is a special blueprint for each of their lives. While we do not have access to the final blueprint, and do not know what they will grow up to be, we can help to ensure that they receive the finest construction throughout the entire process. How wonderful it is when we help our children catch that vision by saying things like, "You have such talent for writing--I'll bet you could write a book someday!" or "You are a very diligent worker. Someone will be fortunate to have you as an employee when you get older, and I'm blessed to have you as my helper," or even, "You've studied hard for that test. No matter how well you do on it, I'm proud of you for preparing so thoroughly!"

And while we're at it, don't forget the potential that YOU possess as an individual working on behalf of people with differences such as ASD. One person CAN make a difference! I'll close with an inspiring quote by Joyce Maynard, "It's not only children who grow.  Parents [and other adults] do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can't tell my children to reach for the sun.  All I can do is reach for it myself."

Let's continue to work on this valuable construction project; building a world that's open to and values the unique perspectives and abilities of each and every person! Now that's true “social incite!”