Daily, we are faced with a multitude of social choices. Should we tell the truth about another person's appearance, or should we either remain silent or tell a "white lie?" Should we tell someone about something we've seen or heard that is bothering us, or would that be "tattling?" Should we go along with what someone is asking us to do, or risk rejection by turning them down? How can we patch up a relationship with someone who has wronged us, or whom we have wronged? How can we keep our emotions from causing us to lose control of our temper?

Often, the presence of a diagnosis like autism spectrum disorder (ASD) can complicate such questions. There may be missing information that needs to be taught before these situations can be addressed successfully. For example, what exactly is a "white lie," and how is it different from an outright lie? Although we teach and promote honesty, when is it okay (or even socially effective) to tell a white lie? What is the difference between "tattling" and enlisting the help of a responsible adult when faced with a situation that affects someone's safety or emotional wellbeing? When should we do what others are telling us to do, and how do we judge their intent or protect our own values when their requests go against what we believe or have been instructed? What tools are available to help us manage our relationships and our emotions?

A social coach can help individuals sort out some of these questions so that they are better equipped to successfully navigate social situations. Social coaching can provide needed instruction, role-playing, a step-by-step plan, and more. A social coach can also assist families who struggle to develop new patterns of interacting with a child who is growing up and needing (but possibly resisting) added responsibilities, opportunities to make their own effective choices, and to experience natural consequences.

Many of us function as social coaches, perhaps without even realizing it. We function as social coaches when we model effective interactions with others (yes, we're often being watched), when we provide information about the choices we're making (and the thought process that led to those choices), and when we take time to provide necessary instruction to others. The process begins in infancy, as parents, grandparents, and childcare providers teach children basic manners along with society's rules, both spoken and unspoken. It continues throughout our lifetime, as even adults find that we sometimes need gentle correction from trusted friends and family members when we commit social errors.

Sometimes we're faced with complicated situations which go beyond our own ability and experience. That's when we need to enlist the help of others who may have information to help us get unstuck, or to lead us toward successful outcomes. You may have individuals in your community who can help in that way. I am also available to talk with you by phone, Skype, email, or in person, as you work to determine the next step in a variety of situations. If you need help answer pressing questions and determining an action plan, or would like someone to hold you accountable for the choices and the progress you make, our social coaching services are available for a nominal cost (as little as $40/hour for 6 sessions). More information about social coaching (including purchasing information) is available here. 

Social coaching, whether it's done informally or formally, is an important component of growing personally and interpersonally!

On January 16, 2012 I wrote a Social Incites entitled, “First Year Lessons for Lifelong Success.” It detailed four components-- “nourishing, growing, connecting, and contributing”--that I believe are necessary for healthy, well-balanced living, and deliberate personal and interpersonal growth.

I developed a lesson on these components that summer to challenge our children to spend their summer deliberately growing. I created a spreadsheet with ten areas for each day, divided between the four categories. Each night the kids (ages 9-17) would choose activities to satisfy the requirements of those areas, just 20 minutes for each of the ten areas. It was fun to see how quickly they caught on, and creatively suggested a 40-minute bike ride with a friend as a way to fill in two segments, one under “nourishing” (exercising) and one under “connecting” (spending meaningful time with others). One of my sons began mowing the lawn for a neighbor with a disability. His 40-minute mowing sessions satisfied the requirements for one segment of “nourishing” (as he got necessary exercise), and one of “contributing,” (giving back to our neighbor).

Babysitting for their baby brother, writing a note to a grandparent or friend, helping with chores around the house, planning and cooking meals, reading a book, playing board games, and even occasionally playing a video game with a sibling became choices they made to meet the expectations laid out in the spreadsheet. Instead of creating lots of rules for the summer, or trying to find activities for our kids to do, or letting them default to video games and surfing the Internet, this spreadsheet became an excellent tool to raise our kids’ awareness of other meaningful activities that they should be engaging in, and gave them a lot of freedom to make their own healthy choices.

My husband and I would approve the kids’ choices the night before, or make suggestions for other activities if we determined that their choices wouldn’t work for some reason. The kids colored in the squares on their spreadsheet as they completed each task, and at the end of the day, were paid 10 cents for each completed 20-minute square. We had a separate spreadsheet to help them track their earnings, savings, and charitable giving.

It was exciting to see how our children rose to the challenge presented by the “Summer Growth Chart!” They liked the opportunity to make most of their own choices for how they would spend their time. Through the summer weeks, they got better at identifying creative ways to engage their minds, be productive, and interact with others in meaningful ways. Our family summer chore list got completed as the kids stepped through cleaning vehicles and the garage, organizing closets, helping to plan family vacations, and more! And they grew financially, not only because they earned money, but because they learned valuable lessons about tracking their income and expenses, saving, and donating to worthy causes.

The lessons learned that summer are still evident! Our son who was mowing the neighbor’s lawn is still doing that regularly, even though he is also working two jobs and volunteering in the community. Our daughter is her little brother’s best playmate, and has also been doing math flashcards without prompting. And video games are only requested very infrequently—our kids are too busy growing personally and interpersonally to default to those!

When I give presentations to parents and professionals around the United States, attendees often request the “Summer Growth Chart” after hearing how I implemented that at home. I now have that document available for purchase as a pdf download. I hope that it will incite parents and teachers to structure learning and growth opportunities at home and at school, to allow yourselves and your children/students to grow personally and interpersonally!

A common occurrence toward the end of a pregnancy is something known as “nesting.” This is an instinct that causes a mother-to-be to make last-minute preparations for the arrival of her little one.

I well remember experiencing this phenomenon prior to the birth of my first child, who turned 19 years old this past weekend. I remember putting the finishing details on the nursery, stocking the freezer with meal options, and washing and arranging all the little clothing items (many of which didn’t ever fit him, because he arrived much larger than anticipated, at 9 pounds 7 ounces).

Our family “nest” has changed over the years, as we moved from one home to another, and added other family members. My oldest is preparing to “leave the nest;” soon I will help him set up his dorm room for his first year of college. I hope that someday he will establish his own “nest” as he makes decisions about education, career, family, ministry, friendships, and more. Many of you may be a few steps beyond me, having “empty nests” as your children have grown and moved on to other things. (Since I also have a two-year-old, it will likely be awhile before my nest is empty!)

These changes may go smoothly for some, and less smoothly for others. For various reasons, some people may never fully leave the “nest,” but may rely on their parents longer than others. I think, however, that these are instincts that are instilled in us, whether or not we are able to fully indulge them. There are many ways we as parents can prepare our children to leave our nests and establish their own, beginning at a very young age, and continuing throughout their childhoods. Next week I’ll write more about those.

Where are you in this “nesting” cycle? Have you set specific goals and action plans (next steps) for continuing to move (yourself and your children) forward successfully?

Best wishes as you make the most of the “nest” you’re in currently, and make plans for any “nests” which may yet come your way!