It’s amazing to me how much of our social life revolves around eating! From birthday parties, to holiday gatherings, to “coffee” with friends, to business transactions that take place around a meal, food is typically the centerpiece of our celebrations and other social engagements.

Mealtime manners become crucial to social success at each of these. How much should you take? Which fork should you use? When should you take the first bite? Should you blow on your food if it’s too hot? And of course, remember not to talk with your mouth full, use your napkin, and chew with your mouth closed.

Being a picky eater complicates matters socially (or being a life-long non-coffee-drinker like me). But I’ve recently experienced another significant complication, which is impacting me not only physically, but also socially. Last month I was diagnosed with allergies or sensitivities to gluten, dairy, yeast, eggs, nuts, corn, soy, and many other grains, fruits, and vegetables. My response when anyone offers me food? “No, thank you.” When I am invited to business meetings or social gatherings at restaurants, I typically have to politely decline the opportunity to partake of the meals or snacks that everyone else is eating. So my physical and emotional frustration at no longer knowing what to eat is compounded by the social frustration of being “different,” and often being perceived as rude or picky.

I tell you this, not to incite pity for me (OK, a little pity might be appreciated), but to indicate that I empathize with many of you who are walking a similar road. People’s eating habits vary widely, whether due to allergies or intolerances, cultural customs, religion, upbringing, sensory issues, or personal preference.  It can sometimes be hard to “fit in” where food is involved. I am very thankful for the wealth of information online that guides me toward understanding how the human body works, and what can be done when it doesn’t work the way we want it to. I’m thankful for companies that strive to produce healthy, delicious foods that are “free” from the many things I can’t eat, and of course, I’m thankful for people who encourage (and put up with) me when I have to eat drastically differently than they do.

My experience over the last many months has led me to better understand why people eat the way they do. It’s also helped me to appreciate the many symptoms that might accompany issues with the food we’re eating. (If you’re not familiar with this concept, I encourage you to ask questions or do research on the foods that could be causing undesirable digestive, inflammatory, respiratory, neurological, or behavioral symptoms).

As we work on making healthy food choices and using good mealtime manners, I hope we will be incited to also be gracious to each other, giving each other “space” to eat differently as needed.

How about you? I’d love to hear about your food challenges, whether they’re similar to mine or different. Hopefully we can all be an encouragement and support to each other!

(The following is an article I originally wrote several years ago, but it contains thoughts worth re-visiting occasionally.) There is a well-known tale (with numerous creative and humorous variations) of a mother being scrutinized by her young child as she prepares a ham dinner. The child questions why Mom cuts the end off the ham before she cooks it. Mom pauses, and admits that she does it because that’s the way her mother always did it. Together they decide to ask Grandma why she always cuts the end off the ham before she cooks it. Grandma seems surprised by the question, as she replies, “I cut the end off because I’ve never had a pan large enough to accommodate the whole ham!”

We have many traditions, rules, and routines in our homes, schools, and workplaces. They exist for many reasons, including safety, pleasure, efficiency, custom, organization, etc. Often young children, or individuals with autism spectrum disorders (ASD), are the first to question the existence of these traditions, rules, and routines. Frequently, their questions of “why” are met with, “Because I said so,” or “Because that’s the way we do it,” or even, “Because that’s the rule!” While their questioning may appear impertinent, often they are not trying to be difficult, but genuinely desire more information as they struggle to make sense of their social environment. As we pause while seeking to provide a truthful response to their request, we may discover a valid explanation that satisfies both of us, or we may find, as the mother in the example of the ham dinner did, that we do not have a good reason for adhering to a particular tradition, rule, or routine.

Social insight and understanding is not simply about getting others to understand what we want them to do. Sometimes it’s more about looking at ourselves and understanding why we do what we do, and whether it makes sense to do it that way. Sometimes our rather rigid means of carrying out tasks or responsibilities has more to do with the way we were taught (or our own learning style or preferences and what worked best for us) than it does about a true need to accomplish the task in a prescribed manner. Recognizing this may help us put the focus back on the end goal rather than struggling to control the process which gets us there. The resulting flexibility may open doors to greater creativity and productivity!

Best wishes as you continue to promote true social insight and understanding!

At the beginning of the summer, our teenage son went on a fishing excursion with some friends. We had heard stories of their previous fishing exploits, including catching dozens of fish that could be cooked and eaten or frozen after every trip.

The day looked promising. The morning was clear and calm, and the guys enjoyed a beautiful sunrise on the water. The charter captain had fifteen lines in the water as they slowly trolled through areas known for abundant results.

By the end of the morning, they had enjoyed abundant conversation, but had only one small fish to show for their efforts. We grilled it and turned it into a delicious dip for crackers, but it didn’t exactly stretch to create a meal. Our son had a wonderful time, undeterred by the meager catch for the day. We were thankful for the 15 lines in the water that day, recognizing that without them, we wouldn’t have had even one fish!

I think there are many areas of life where it is important to at least “have lines in the water” if we hope to “catch” anything. Often, a particular process may seem daunting, and may take considerable time to note progress or celebrate success. Yet there are things we can do to increase our opportunities for “catching” what we are pursuing. Consider these:

-       SECURING EMPLOYMENT: Although a person may need only one job, it may take multiple (dozens or more…?) of applications submitted before being chosen by an employer.

-       MAKING FRIENDS: It can take countless friendly gestures (smiles, greetings, questions, compliments time spent with a person) before a friendship blossoms. Although we may extend these overtures to many people, more than likely not all will become friends.

-       Can you think of other examples? I hope you’ll email them to me or comment on Facebook or share them below.

Sometimes it’s tempting to assume we’re doing something wrong when we aren’t successful at something we’re trying to achieve. I first try to remind myself that I “won’t catch anything if I don’t have a line in the water,” and make sure I am “putting myself out there” where I am more likely to succeed. Then I have to remind myself to be patient and persistent, as some of these things take time, and may be dependent on other conditions outside of my control.

What are you “fishing” for? I’m wishing you patience and persistence as you continue to put “lines in the water,” preparing for your success!

A few weeks ago I shared a thought-provoking quote from Doreen: I have become very confused about social interactions with anyone. We try to portray ourselves to others in ways that are positive (a nicely wrapped package), but when does that become hypocrisy? What does humility look like? (Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility....)  How can we handle words that come across to us as critical and offensive in ways that do not hurt others?  Can a person become too honest in an effort to avoid being a hypocrite?

Suzanne took time to contribute her insights: As a partial answer to Doreen's questions, I would like to offer a suggestion. As we work on becoming more Christlike and learning to embody the qualities from the Sermon on the Mount, we do not have to become a doormat for people who consciously or unconsciously want to take advantage of us. I would recommend the book Boundaries, by Christian psychologists Drs..Henry Cloud and John Townsend. Another book that comes to mind with practical advice, though not necessarily from a Christian perspective is Asperger's and Girls, a compilation of advice and first person account.

Rosa shared (all the way from Hong Kong, reminding us that these struggles—and helpful insights-- are universal): When we interact with people, we can be honest, true and humble at the same time. There are different ways for us to be honest in an effort to avoid being a hypocrite. For example, if someone did something inappropriate, we can say, "can you think of another way to handle this?" instead of "this is wrong. You did the inappropriate thing again!" In this way, we can stimulate the person to consider other possibilities to manage the situation instead of focusing on the fact that he/she did wrong again. At the same time, we are not portraying ourselves to be the expert guru pointing a critical finger at the person who made a mistake. If we remain honest, tactful and humble, the relationship will not be spoiled and interaction and communication can be sustained.  

In thinking about this for the last few weeks, I think one way to look at it is that we achieve this through “effective authenticity.” I have often written about two kinds of responses: Authentic responses, and Socially Effective responses. I believe we are the most effective in our interactions with others when we are authentic in loving them and being who God created us to be (think of I Corinthians 13, the fruits of the Spirit, the Greatest Commandment). But as we respect the fact that they, too, are created in God’s image, yet are affected by sin, we should temper our interactions with grace, mercy, and forgiveness.

Although Christ was the epitome of love and sacrifice, even He was angered by injustice, and defended truth and vulnerable populations. His choices showed evidence of very healthy, Godly boundaries as He interacted with people from a variety of backgrounds. “Speaking the truth in love” sometimes means sharing difficult information which may end up hurting someone, but for the purpose of building up others and promoting truth.

Thanks to everyone who has taken time to share your insights! I love to hear from you, and appreciate the opportunity to learn from and pass your insights along to others. I hope we can continue to incite (encourage/prompt) each other toward effective social interactions that help ourselves and others to grow personally and interpersonally as we “nourish, grow, connect, and contribute!”