Last week my daughter shared one of her favorite children’s books with her 2-year-old brother. It’s a delightful children’s book entitled, “Three Cheers for Tacky,” one of a series of Tacky books by Helen Lester.
 
Tacky is a young penguin who lives in “a nice icy land.” But like the popular idiom suggests, when compared to the other penguins, Tacky “sticks out like a sore thumb.” He dresses differently than the others (usually in a Hawaiian shirt, as opposed to their penguin tuxedos), and although he tries very hard to please, attempting to do things the way others want him to, he always manages to do something unexpected. He comes across as clumsy, forgetful, and far too LOUD…yet always happy and pleasant! While such a series could get monotonous, or even depressing, instead, someone in Tacky’s “social context” always manages to appreciate Tacky’s efforts—and even his shortcomings—and this contagious spirit affects the others to the point that as the story ends, everyone is laughing with Tacky instead of at him, and is appreciating the benefits of having Tacky as a part of their community. Each book ends with the words, “Tacky was an odd bird, but a nice bird to have around.”
 
Many of the people in our homes, classrooms, places of worship, job sites, and communities could be compared to Tacky the Penguin. They may or may not try to comply with others’ expectations, but they almost always seem to fall short. They may dress differently, be too loud or too quiet, and conduct themselves in a physically and socially clumsy way.
 
Do we respond to them in a way that enables all of us to experience a “happy ending?” I once heard about a children’s choir director who was criticized for a student who was “wiggly” during a performance. The person complaining requested that next time, the child be “hidden” in the back so that he or she wouldn’t be a “distraction” to the audience. My heart sank when I heard this story. This was a child who struggles to conform to others’ expectations while battling typical childish wiggles, along with attention deficit disorder (ADD) and Asperger Syndrome. The complainer in this story missed a great opportunity to encourage this little one in his efforts to use his time and talents to benefit others, and to perhaps build a trusting, mutually respectful relationship where the adult could someday hope to help this little one develop strategies for meeting others’ expectations.
 
It’s important to teach our children and young people about the expectations of others. To a large degree, their success depends on it! However, we also need to make sure that we are allowing ourselves to enjoy the enthusiasm, wholehearted efforts, and creative expressions of those with whom we live and work. We need to give them opportunities to use their gifts in meaningful ways, along with plenty of encouragement and support to ensure that they feel good about their efforts, and can experience success…even if it doesn’t always turn out the way we expect.
 
Best wishes to all of you living and working with “Tacky”…and to all the “odd birds” who may be reading this. A little bit of social insight can lead to many happy endings for all of us, and help us all to be a little nicer to be around!

Are you busy? I know that the term “busy” is relative, and difficult to adequately define. Yet you likely know what it feels like to be busy, either occasionally, or often.
 
How do you deal with busyness? How do you keep from getting completely overwhelmed? If you don’t count “organization” as one of your personal strengths, if your commitments seem to outnumber the hours in a day, or if you’re a person with autism, sensory processing disorder, or depression or anxiety, are there ways to cope successfully with the pressures while still managing responsibilities?
 
I’ve gleaned several tips over the years from personal and professional experience:

1.     Prioritize activities and commitments. It’s easy to go through life simply doing everything that comes our way without thinking through the best use of our time and talents. Sometimes keeping a written “to do” list can provide satisfaction as items are completed, and can help us identify the most important things that should be done first, and give us a system for remembering those that can wait until later.

2.     Know when and how to say “no.” This is easier for some people than for others. At times, I have had to practice saying this before replying to a request to fill a volunteer position or take on some other commitment. Another person might be disappointed to hear us say, “This sounds like a great opportunity, but I won’t be able to help/join you this time.” Yet it may be the best thing we can say at this point in time to maintain our own health or well-being.

3.     Find a way to structure time and responsibilities. Developing a routine (for meals, sleep, homework/housework, etc.), even when busyness creates some chaos, can help people stay calm and maintain focus. Using a calendar or other organizational system can help us remember the important commitments, as long as we remember to check it! As we’re teaching others how to structure their time, it’s important to help them find a system that works for them. Some individuals work better with paper and pencil, others with a computer program or app, still others with a watch that has alarms that can beep at important points throughout the day.

4.     Take care of yourself. Maintain your physical and emotional health by exercising, eating right, and getting enough sleep. Sensory breaks, relaxing hobbies, and time with loved ones are all essential to our overall well-being. It’s easy to think that there isn’t time for these when we’re facing countless high-priority responsibilities, yet we will be unable to do many of those if we’re not feeling well!

5.     Get help when needed. Any one of the above steps may require assistance from someone else. Often a fresh perspective, an encouraging word, or practical assistance may be the key to successfully managing the busyness of our lives.
 
Whether or not you’re facing a busy week, I hope it’ll be a good one! Feel free to share your tips for managing busyness either on our Facebook page or on our blog. And please let us know if there’s anything we can do to assist you! Successfully managing busyness can help all of us as we continue our lifelong journey of growing personally and interpersonally!

When I provide trainings for parents and teachers, or am working with individuals and families, I often talk about social effectiveness, and the importance of keeping “socially effective responses” as our primary goal in interacting with others. I outline the differences between what I call “authentic responses,” and those which are socially effective.

An authentic response is one which we generate without thinking. It’s a genuine response to how we’re feeling, what we know, what we’ve experienced in the past, what we’re expecting, what our abilities and current needs are, etc. It stems from who we are as individuals at that given moment in time. One person’s authentic response to a situation may be completely different than another person’s authentic response to the same situation. And in fact, one person’s authentic responses may change over time or with changed circumstances. Consider this: What would you do or say if you stubbed your toe while walking? That’s an authentic response—a genuine response to pain and surprise. Depending on the level of pain, or how tired or stressed you are, or your current favorite vocabulary for expressing pain and surprise, your authentic response may be different on one day than it is on another. But it’s not likely to be exactly the same as everyone else around you.

Sometimes, authentic responses work very well! If we’re alone at home and stub a toe while walking, that particular word we utter may work for us; it may make us feel a little better, even if it doesn’t exactly remove the pain. But if we utilize the same authentic response in other social contexts, for example, a crowded board room as members are gathered to review our performance, or walking into a crowded concert hall or theater after the performance has started, it’s not likely to work with the other people gathered around us, which in turn affects how they think about us and interact with us. We may respond authentically to a funny joke by laughing out loud. This may work effectively to get others to laugh along with us. However, if this happens in the middle of math class when we’re supposed to be listening to the teacher or working quietly on an assignment, it isn’t likely to be socially effective; in fact, it may get us into trouble! An authentic response used in the wrong social context is not likely to help us be socially effective!

A socially effective response is one which utilizes the strategies available to us, combined with an awareness and understanding of those around us, to choose a response that’s likely to work with the other people in our current social context.

I believe that in general, there are two basic types of social contexts. When using The Social Response Pyramid(TM) in my parenting and educating, I represent these with two shapes: a circle and a rectangle. These are not to be taken literally in terms of their shape; instead, they represent a type of interaction. The circular social context is when we are deliberately interacting with other people. This context occurs at the dinner table when family or friends are gathered to eat and converse, in class when a teacher is interacting with students, and in a staff meeting at a school, business, or organization. In this type of social context, people may more readily see the need to be thinking about others in the interaction, and responding in a way that works for both themselves and others. When we are truly alone, we are not being social, and therefore are not part of a social context. However, there are times when we may think we’re alone, without considering the fact that we’re actually part of another type of social context, which I represent with a rectangle. This is when we’re acting alone (in our bedroom doing homework when our family is downstairs, or walking through a shopping mall without talking to anyone), when in fact we’re surrounded by other people who we need to be thinking about to ensure that we can still be socially effective.

Notice that as I define it, a social context isn’t a physical location; it’s a type of interaction! In other words, it’s more about people than place. A circular social context can be found at school as four students are working on a group project, deciding what their topic will be, dividing up the work, coming together to discuss their results, etc. It can also be found when a cluster of students is gathered in the hallway to talk about what they did last night. A social context represented by a rectangle can also found at school, as students pass each other, walking through the halls toward their next class, or as they sit in study hall, each working on their own homework. (Note that there can be overlapping or co-existing social contexts; one or more circular contexts within a rectangular one, or some people interacting closely, with others sharing the same space, but not interacting with them.)

Obviously, people differ from one another in their ability to adequately “read” and respond effectively to the social context. One hallmark of autism spectrum disorders (ASD) is that people with ASD struggle with this. Their challenges in the areas of executive functioning, theory of mind, emotional/social intelligence, boundary intelligence, gestalt processing, etc. create gaps in their ability to make necessary connections with others and experience social success. But they’re not the only ones who experience challenges and gaps in these areas! Although these “building blocks of social development” develop throughout our lives, different people develop them at different rates, and to different degrees. Our age, experiences, personality, abilities, preconceived ideas, sensory and other needs, and more, can all affect our understanding of the social context (and our connection to it) and our ability to produce socially effective responses.

Would you like more information about how we can increase understanding of social contexts? We have a variety of recommended resources on this site. 

Fortunately, we all have the wonderful capacity to continue learning and growing. And we all have ongoing opportunities to better understand ourselves and others, and to continue working toward being socially effective!

If you have children (or if you can remember your own childhood), you’ve likely heard or asked the question, “Are we there yet?” Often while traveling, a parent may hear a young child recite this question seemingly endlessly. Many of us have experienced the restlessness that comes with being on a long journey, and can identify with the desire to arrive at our destination, or at least to know whether we’ll be arriving soon.

When traveling in the northern region of the lower peninsula of Michigan, people can see a sign stating, “45th Parallel…half-way between the equator and the north pole.” Of course, when I see the sign, I’m not on a journey all the way from the equator to the north pole, but I still like knowing exactly where I am in relation to both of those.

In fact, I’d often like to know exactly where I am in my life journey. Am I closer to the beginning or the end of my attempt to potty-train my 2-year-old? And when exactly do the “terrible twos” begin and end? Others might wonder if they’re nearing the end of their job search, if they’re making progress in their attempts to heal a broken relationship, or if they’re getting any closer to making a new friend. Will this student ever grasp a difficult math concept? Is this business going to turn a profit this year? Is another round of chemotherapy going to eradicate the cancer? Will the bank grant another month’s grace before recalling a loan?

Yes, life is full of uncertainties, and we don’t often have the benefit of knowing that we’re “half-way,” or even having any idea of how close we are to the end of a particular life-related journey in our work, parenting, relationships, investments, etc. In fact, none of us knows how many days we have on this earth.

I often remind myself to find joy in the journey. Although destinations are eagerly anticipated, each day is taking us one step farther than we were the day before. Are we making every day count? Are we enjoying the “scenery” (people, events, experiences) along the way? Even if we’re “not there yet,” we can delight in each day, and value the opportunities we encounter along the way to grow both personally and interpersonally!