In last week's Social Incites™ article, I described a common problem of expecting success to arrive without work. I mentioned that we may in fact be guilty of making success look too "easy" or "immediate" to those around us. Here are some strategies to help avoid that:

1. Verbalize the steps you go through as they occur. Lost your car keys? Talk about where you last remember seeing them, where you usually put them, and who might also have had access to them. Enlist the assistance of others who might have an idea where to find them. (I'll confess that the last time I lost my car keys, my kids and I found them in the bathroom trash--long story, but these steps helped us experience success before the garbage truck arrived to remove our trash!) Are you planning a special meal? Talk about which ingredients you have in the house, and what you'll need to purchase from the store. Talk about the amount of time you'll need to prepare the meal, cook it, and get ready to eat it (setting the table, pouring beverages, etc.) And don’t forget to enlist help in the various steps!

2. Involve others whenever possible. Do they have chores? Can they help make a grocery list or clip coupons before going to the store? Can they bake cookies or help set the table? If you've encountered a problem in the classroom, could the students help brainstorm possible solutions? Involvement helps people take ownership in  a process…and hands-on learning is typically more effective than just being told something or simply observing.

3. Emphasize choices. Make sure you provide choices that you can live with, whether you're empowering the individual to choose between three outfits for school in the morning, or between two lunch options, or between a few chores that need to be done. Name the choice (i.e. Healthy choice, friendly choice, helpful choice, creative choice), and praise them for the choice they've made. Discuss current events, explaining the choices others made, and ask your children or students what they would do if they were in that situation, and work together to make realistic guesses about how the outcome could have differed if different choices had been made.

4. Provide natural consequences. Did they make an ineffective or unexpected choice? Help them to see how their choice differed from better options and how their choice led to the current consequences. Whenever possible, make sure they are given information in advance about the consequences of the choices they make (i.e.” If you use the time remaining to finish your math assignment, you can go out for recess. However, if you choose to do other things between now and then, and your math assignment does not get finished before the bell rings, you will need to miss recess to complete the math paper.”)

5. When needed, provide visuals to increase understanding. Linda Hodgdon is a wonderful author who specializes in visual strategies. More information can be found in her book, Visual Strategies for Improving Communication.

In my previous article, I detailed three factors that may contribute to an individual's perception that success comes easily or automatically, without effort. Here's one more! I believe that our entertainment industry has fostered the notion of success without work, and choices without consequences. The games, DVDs, and TV shows which occupy our children's time often have very little connection to reality, and may serve to counteract your attempts to teach these important life lessons. Consider how your children and students are spending their time. Do things simply appear to happen in front of their eyes, or with the flip of a finger? If so, you may need to reduce the amount of time spent on these pursuits, or take time to talk about how they differ from real life.

We can play an important role in helping others work toward successful outcomes. I hope these suggestions have been helpful for you. If you have other ideas, feel free to post those on our FACEBOOK page or on our blog at www.socialincites.com!

Next week I'll share some tips that I use to work toward success in my own life. Hopefully they'll help you keep stepping forward in your own life!

I once heard it wisely said, "The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary!"

I have no doubt that in most cases, you're well aware of the time and effort you've invested in the various outcomes you label as success. Successful relationships, job promotions, graduations, and other achievements don't usually just happen. Instead, they follow hours, or maybe even years, of hard work! Smaller or daily successes also involve labor. Keeping your home clean, making meals, completing a project, paying bills, and checking items off your "to do list" don't happen on their own, but come as a result of time and effort.

You may be aware of the relationship between work and success, but what about your children and students? I once asked a group of young adults about their goals for the next few years. Their answers surprised me! Most aspired to be inventors, presidents of companies, or otherwise very prosperous individuals. While that may not be so surprising in and of itself, the fact was that these particular individuals were not currently employed, not attending school, not living independently, and in most cases, not able to drive or to use public transportation independently.

While these young people had a vision for success, they had no concept of the work required to reach it! What they lacked was an action plan, or a step-by-step "map" of how to get from Point A to Point B, or from their current location/status to where they'd eventually like to be.

Some of this may be due to difficulty with organizational skills and gestalt processing (or “seeing the big picture”).  Another reason for the unrealistic goals named by the young people may be a lack of understanding of the difference between a goal and a dream, or at least between a short-term and a long-term goal. If you're currently unemployed, while you may dream of someday being a manager at a prestigious business, a worthwhile goal, at least initially, is to simply get a job. An action plan can lay out the steps for targeting jobs that fit your interests and abilities, applying, interviewing, and of course, developing good work habits so that you're able to keep a job once you're hired.

As parents and teachers, we may, at least inadvertently, be contributing to others' misconceptions regarding the important connection between work and success. How much do we do FOR our children and students rather than WITH them? Does supper seem to magically appear on the table, and clean laundry in drawers? Do we just “know" how to deal with injuries, arguments, and sudden changes in schedules? If we don't outline the steps we take toward successful outcomes (whether those steps are physical/tangible or mental/intangible), we may be guilty of giving others the idea that success comes easily or automatically, and can be expected to arrive the same way for them.

Next week I'll outline specific strategies for helping yourself and others in your life to work toward success!

One year my family took a walk over a sand dune along Lake Michigan during a West Michigan blizzard. At the time, little snow was falling, but we were subjected to gale-force winds as we struggled to climb the stairs for a view of the water below. As I was pelted with wind and sand, and frequently had to grab onto a railing or hold my arms out to provide greater stability and balance, I marveled at the trees which stood so strong, seemingly unaffected, against the powerful force of the wind. Do you know how they got to be so strong? This quote sums it up well: “Good timber does not grow with ease; the stronger the wind, the stronger the trees" (J. Willard Marriott). It’s the powerful wind, which made our hike so difficult (and at times unpleasant), that over the years has helped those trees develop a strong root system which provides a firm foundation when the wind howls around and against them.

As parents, when we welcome a child into the world, we tend to do whatever we can to protect them even as we help them to grow and flourish. When a child has special needs like a diagnosis of autism, we tend to hold him or her even more closely, sheltering them from a potentially cruel and dangerous world, and hoping to encourage their growth in a way that avoids having their differences be too noticeable to the outside world. Parents work hard to help their child succeed and to protect them from failure or harsh treatment from others. But sometimes the day comes when they suddenly realize that their child hasn’t learned the skills needed to manage on their own. They lack the connections to receive help from anyone other than their parents or immediate family members. While the parents meant well, they find that that have unknowingly secluded their children from the life lessons that would prepare them to function on their own. Without the “wind” of difficulty throughout their lives, their “root systems” remain underdeveloped, making it impossible for them to stand up to the wind on their own.

The following quote explains the danger well: "As a parent, your nature is to protect.  Sometimes fear of risks ... can cause you to exclude a person with autism from their community.” (Marguerite Colston, spokeswoman for the Autism Society of America).

Naturally, it is difficult to know when to shelter and when to give a gentle push to help our children step out and experience life lessons for themselves. It’s a process of daily deliberations and decisions. We don’t need to do it alone—our community can be a source of help to us as we seek to uncover and maximize our children’s potential and assist them in being successful. There’s wisdom in the saying, “It takes a village,” as we admit to ourselves that we cannot do it on our own. Are you familiar with the inspiring story of Helen Keller? Hers is an amazing story of success in spite of being both blind and deaf. She once said, “A man can't make a place for himself in the sun if he keeps taking refuge under the family tree.”

Some of you reading this have young children at home. You may be inspired to find ways to help your children develop new skills, understanding, and connections so that they can stand strong against the winds of daily living and of adversity. Others of you find that your children are grown, but do not have a strong root system. Although you will likely face resistance and other challenges as you work to help your grown son or daughter, you may be encouraged by this old proverb: “The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago. The second best time is now.” It’s never too late to make healthy changes that benefit both you and your children! Even “late bloomers” can be successful. In the words of Moliere, sometimes “The trees that are slow to grow bear the best fruit.”

In my own parenting, I think back to numerous occasions when I bit my tongue instead of discouraging my children from trying something new. Although I was afraid they would experience failure or disappointment, or even ridicule, I let them chart their course. Sometimes it proved to be a difficult or painful outcome, but it gave us an opportunity to talk about how life works, and what we can learn each situation. Other times they succeeded beyond my wildest expectations, and we were all able to celebrate yet another joyous (and sometimes unexpected) success.

Best wishes as you continue to teach and nurture children and young adults toward an ability to stand strong and bear fruit!

Many of you daily live and/or work with children. It’s an incredible responsibility to be involved in the shaping of little bodies and minds, both through direct instruction, as well as through modeling, as they carefully watch (and mimic) the choices we make.

Years ago, when my own children were very young, I met a mom who had a seven-year-old daughter with Down Syndrome. I listened as she talked about attending a recent IEP (Individualized Education Plan) with teachers, therapists, and school administrators, focusing on goals and action plans for her daughter’s first grade experience. I have never forgotten the list that she and her husband brought with them to share with the other members at the IEP. The list carefully detailed all the hopes and dreams they had for their precious little girl, including having friends, driving a vehicle, attending college, and possibly even getting married.

Every seven-year-old is more than a child learning phonics, writing, spelling, math, and the mechanics of sitting through school each day. Every person with Down Syndrome—or any other diagnosis—is so much more than the label which describes their unique challenges.

In fact, in the words of a song I remember singing when I was a little girl, every child could say, “I am a Promise, I am a Possibility, I am a Promise, with a capital P…I am a great big bundle of POTENTIALITY!” (Bill Gaither). Someday, most children will grow up to be adults who could contribute in adult ways to our world, using their time and abilities to teach, build, heal, discern, entertain, encourage, drive, supply, create, facilitate, program, etc. to make the world a better place for everyone in it.

 As we live and work with children, we have the opportunity to shape young individuals to be respectful, honest, kind, responsible, friendly, passionate, discerning, joyful, well-organized, hard-working, and compassionate. Yes, phonics, math, playground antics and sleep-overs are important components of the “work” of every seven-year-old. But through each of those, we can teach and model the qualities and characteristics they will need in order to realize their full potential, both as children, and as future adults. (I’ll write more about that next week!)

Best wishes to all of you engaged in the daily task of nurturing young bodies and minds. Although the task isn’t without its challenges, it is also incredibly rewarding!