Back in December, I thought life would slow down after the holidays.  However, somehow the year-end parties and travels seemed to quickly be replaced by school field trips, work deadlines, doctor's appointments, and committee meetings. Stepping into summer didn’t relax the pace in our home, as kids headed off to summer jobs, and our client load ramped up as students graduated from high school. Now we’re just a few months away from the holiday season again! Based on the comments some of you sent last week when I was on vacation, I know I'm not alone in longing for a chance to just relax!

I'm learning that I can take steps to avoid feeling completely overwhelmed by the busyness of life. I'll provide some of those in this article. You might find that these ideas help you personally, or can be shared as an educational tool with the individuals with whom you live or work. If you have others to suggest, I hope you'll share those at www.socialincites.com, on our Facebook page, or by emailing me.

1. BE REALISTIC! If you always have too much on your to-do list or calendar, you're creating an environment where you're likely to feel constantly overwhelmed. Is there something you can skip (at least for today), or delegate to someone else? Are you spending too much time on one thing, whether it's a worthwhile pursuit or a bit of a "time-waster?" This week’s Social Incites™ is arriving in your inbox later than usual because I spent time with extended family over the weekend and decided my work could wait. (I hope no one minds!)

2. SPELL IT ALL OUT. Some people are better list-makers than others. But sometimes seeing it in writing can make it easier to identify things that can be eliminated and/or to designate top priority items. Sometimes I email myself a "to do" list or enter tasks as specific items on my calendar. And I typically hand-write little lists—although I don’t always remember to look at them, writing the items tends to help me remember to do them.

3. GIVE YOURSELF THE GIFT OF TIME. I'll admit that I'm frequently tempted to stay in bed "just one more minute" in the morning, and to write "just one more email" before walking out the door for a meeting. However, those little details often end up making me feel like I'm rushing through my entire day, struggling to arrive or complete a task on time. Forcing myself to get out of bed or out the door a few minutes earlier (even if I need to set my watch a few minutes ahead of the true time) can make a huge difference in the way I feel throughout the day!

4. LIMIT DISTRACTIONS. Sometimes multi-tasking or sensory overload can negatively impact our productivity. When I really want to get things done, I turn off the TV, radio, and sometimes the telephone, and remind myself not to jump up to put in another load of laundry or to sort through the mail. I'm often surprised at how quickly I can complete a task when I devote myself to it 100 percent!

5. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Eating healthy foods at regular intervals, getting physical exercise, and taking time to get a breath of fresh air can greatly improve both our attitude and our ability to get things done. Take time to nurture your friendships, especially if time with friends and loved ones lifts your spirits. If you find yourself overwhelmed to the point where you are unable to accomplish anything, you may need to consider getting some outside professional assistance.

Often, we simply need to keep things in perspective. Our activities, schedules, and deadlines can be managed, (if they can't be eliminated), with relatively simple steps so that they do not completely overwhelm us.

Wishing you an enjoyable week…and some time to just relax!

There is virtue in work and there is virtue in rest.
Use both and overlook neither.
(Alan Cohen)
 
This week I’m taking a rest from working and writing. I’m planning to enjoy time with my family doing activities that I’m typically “too busy” to do as we spend time in one of our favorite places.
 
Thank you for reading Social Incites(TM) each week. I hope that you will also have opportunities to rest this week!

I remember hearing a story about a young person with autism who regularly went for a bike ride, following the same route each time. One day he did not return home. When his family went looking for him, they found him standing, bewildered, at a sign indicating a road closure. If you are familiar with ASD (autism spectrum disorders), you may feel that this is predictable, given a common difficulty with imagining new responses or solutions to novel situations.

Yet I believe that many of us suffer from the same difficulty--perhaps not with actual roadblocks out on the highways and byways, but more likely with "life's roadblocks." From receiving a diagnosis for a young child (whether or not it was anticipated), to facing difficult behaviors, to struggling through sleepless nights, to manipulating diets or medications to achieve maximum results, to striving to teach an important but seemingly difficult lesson, we are frequently faced with what at first glance may appear to be the end of the road.

At such a roadblock, we need to determine whether we will shut down while viewing it as a permanent dead end, or look around for new options so that the roadblock becomes only a temporary setback. Business-woman Mary Kay Ash apparently has said, "For every failure, there's an alternative course of action. You just have to find it. When you come to a roadblock, take a detour."

How can you develop a detour? How do you keep going when you feel as though you're at the end of your road?

- Find just one thing to try that's different from what you've tried before.

- Allow yourself to rest for a moment, taking time to assess the situation and think through possible alternatives.

- Ask for directions. Utilize the creativity, gifts, and experiences of those around you to spark new possibilities for your situation.

- Remember that tomorrow is a new day, bringing with it new opportunities and perspectives.

- Look back on where you've been--sometimes this perspective shows the progress you've been making, even though it's been achieved through baby steps, or even when it feels as though you've not been moving at all!

- Recognize that the new route you take may end up being better in the long run than the one you were on previously.

What other ideas do you have? How do you keep perspective even when you're up against difficult odds or roadblocks? I hope you'll share your ideas here, or on our Facebook page.

I'll close with a quote from pioneering automaker, Henry Ford: "Life is a series of experiences, each one of which makes us bigger, even though sometimes it is hard to realize this. For the world was built to develop character, and we must learn that the setbacks and ‘grieves’ which we endure help us in our marching onward."

Best wishes as you face temporary setbacks and turn them into stepping stones on your journey in parenting, teaching, or growing as an individual!

Many jobs depend on an on-going need for services, or “job security”, in order for the business to be successful. Retail workers want customers to keep needing food, clothing, furniture, vehicles, etc. so that the doors of the establishment can remain open and workers can keep their jobs. People in the cleaning industry rely on the reality that when people are around, messes will continue to happen. Entertainment venues expect that people will continue to crave an opportunity to play, watch movies, or get together with others to have a good time away from home. Even doctors and insurance companies know that people will continue to get hurt or sick, and will need them to help restore them to good health.

As parents, that kind of “job security” typically isn’t the best policy. When our work is focused on equipping our children with the skills and opportunities to function independently and interdependently (not depending only on us), we eliminate the “security” in our jobs. Parenting is designed to evolve and change over time. We go from providing almost all of the care that our children need as infants, to providing other types of support, perhaps more infrequently or even “hands-off,” when they are adults.

As a coach, I am also seeking to equip my students (employees, parents, children, etc.) with the skills they need to function on their own. Whether it’s meeting employer expectations so they can keep their jobs, developing empathy and conversation skills to build and maintain friendships, or learning to manage difficult behaviors effectively at home or in the classroom, eventually I hope and expect that my students will no longer need my services on a consistent basis.

What are the benefits to helping people succeed on their own? Instead of continuing to do the same thing, we are able to move on to other things. Parents may move on to the freedoms associated with being “empty nesters” or enjoying retirement. Teachers and coaches can move on to the “next thing,” whether it’s the next student, or the next opportunity. This kind of “job security” involves change, adventure, and the satisfaction of knowing that someone has been successful in part because of our efforts.

This concludes a three week series on job security. I hope you’ll take a moment to consider where job security is present in your life in healthy ways, how you might ensure that you don’t cause unnecessary job security for others, and how you might equip other people to be successful so that they no longer need your presence or services in the same way that they did in the past.

 

Last week I wrote about “job security,” and the importance of finding ways to stay positive when others create more work for us. I also promised to consider other perspectives for the next two weeks, so here’s the first: Don’t be the person who creates job security for someone else!

A few weeks ago I was job coaching with a student who was recently employed in a large supermarket. One aspect of her job is keeping the shoe department clean, which includes removing trash from the floor, putting away stray items, and ensuring that the boxes are all neat on the shelves. On one particular night, the store was having a special sale, which brought many customers into the store to purchase shoes. As we hustled back and forth through the department replacing tops on boxes, picking up shoes and trash off the floor, and putting away cereal, underwear, and other items that customers randomly left on the shoe shelves, my student and I kept smiling as we talked about job security and the fact that without customers who bought shoes, she would not have a job.

However, I couldn’t help but wonder if those customers had any idea how frustrating it was to find trash on the floor every time we turned around. Did they really think it should be someone else’s job to pick up the shoes they decided not to buy (all ten pairs)? How did they expect us to get to our other departments when the shoes were falling off the shelves and stray items were making some shelves look more like the sporting goods or grocery section than the shoe department?

For employees such as my student, a smile, “thank you,” and an extra effort to clean up after yourself goes a long way toward maintaining that smile on their face, and enabling them to feel good about their job and the people who make it possible. And the same is true at home. Should someone else have to clean up your dishes after you eat? Straighten the messes you leave around the house? Wash the clothes you get dirty? While families assign chores differently according to their values, needs, and the age/abilities of each family member, in our household, we work to ensure that everyone (even the three-year-old) is contributing to the household responsibilities, especially when he or she is the one who created the need for the work!

So, while we can be thankful for the people and circumstances around us that create a need for each one of us and the work we do (“job security”), we can also make sure we are thoughtful and responsible (that’s “social insight!”) so that we don’t create too much job security for others! 

When my husband and I coach workplace students and employees, one concept we often discuss is “job security.” An employer may pay an employee to wash dishes, clean messes, take out trash, shelve books, stock shelves, and/or greet customers (and deal with their complaints). Parents do not get paid to change diapers, cook meals, or clean dishes (and laundry, floors, bathrooms, etc.), yet those tasks are critical when caring for children.

Sometimes facing a task that seems never-ending can feel overwhelming. It may feel like the saying, “Emptying the ocean with a teaspoon.” The monotony or stress of endless work can build resentment toward the task or the people who create a need for the task.

Seeing work—whether paid or unpaid—as something negative is a way of “seeing the glass as half-empty.” It’s true that there can be a down-side to work. Most of us would likely agree that sometimes work (at home, school, workplace, or in the community) takes us away from things we would prefer to be doing, or taxes us physically, emotionally, mentally, or socially.

But there is also an up-side to work. For many of us, work leads to a paycheck, which provides income to meet our needs (and often many “wants”). Work may help us contribute to our community, build stronger or more meaningful connections to others, and grow in a variety of ways. Work is typically a sign that we are experiencing other blessings. Years ago I was doing dishes with an older lady who was very special to me. She had an incredible gift of hospitality, opening her home to aging friends and family, providing delicious meals to those who needed them, and all without any grumbling or complaining. As I put away the plates, I noticed a poem taped to the inside of her cupboard door. I wish I had a copy of that poem or could find it somewhere, (I found a similar one, which you can read here), but the gist of it was that we should be thankful for dirty dishes because it means we have food to eat. Dirty laundry means we have clothes to wear. Toys spread throughout the house (that’s what my house looks like on a daily basis thanks to my three-year-old) means we have children to delight us. Messes that need to be cleaned up in the workplace mean that we are receiving a paycheck, producing a product, accomplishing some other goal, or that we have customers that are accessing our services.

We are needed when we have time and abilities to contribute at home, school, in the workplace, and/or in the community….and when we are willing to use those to meet others’ needs. That’s job security! (Keep reading the next two weeks for two more perspectives on this topic).

Last week we looked at anxiety, and how it can either work in our favor, or against our attempts at being successful. I received many wonderful emails from readers—thank you to everyone who took the time to write!

Linda Eisen. from New York graciously agreed that I could share her comments with you:

In working with children and adults with ASD for a very long time I have found that anxiety and fear of the unknown can be simply decreased by the use of concrete objects, visual supports and /or social scripts relating to the unknown.  When we have scheduled an appointment with a physician, dentist, specialist or will be attending a class for the first time we are uncertain as to what is going to happen.  How long am I going to be there?  What will be expected of me?  By providing visual supports in the form of objects, pictures, social scripts or even something as sophisticated as a virtual tour we give meaning and understanding to the unknown, which in turn diminishes the fear and anxiety.

Linda’s comment reminded me of a concrete object that I used with one of my children years ago. When that child was dealing with anxiety, I took a mug out of the kitchen cupboard, had my child decorate it with the words, “Worry Cup,” and put it by the door to the garage. I cut strips of paper and stacked them next to the cup with a pen. Each day before we left the house, we would write the child’s worries on pieces of paper, fold them, and put them in the cup. We would say a prayer asking that the worries would stay there for the day, and then leave for school or wherever else we were going. At the end of the day we would take out the slips of paper and talk about whether they still represented things that needed to be worried about, or whether they had been resolved. Typically we found that they were no longer an issue. It was a very effective tool!

More recently while job coaching, I instructed a student to leave his worries in the closet with his backpack when he arrived at work. The situation he was worrying about could wait until he was finished working for the day. His anxiety visibly decreased, and he was able to focus on his work.

Last week I posted the following quote on Facebook: Nerves and butterflies are fine — they're a physical sign that you're mentally ready and eager. You have to get the butterflies to fly in formation, that's the trick. (Steve Bull)

Best wishes as you work to keep your butterflies flying in formation, and attempt to help others do the same!

I had an interesting experience several months ago. I suddenly became unable to park my car in my garage! I’ve lived in this house over four years, and each day I have parked a variety of vehicles in the left side of the garage without incident. Yet after changing to a new vehicle in October, I suddenly found it difficult to pull into the garage successfully. First I would go too far to the left, then back up, and end up going too far to the right. I began having significant anxiety whenever I had to park my car in the garage, which didn’t make the task any easier. Finally, one day I sat in my vehicle outside the garage and asked myself, “What’s the problem?” It occurred to me that I was afraid of hitting my husband’s vehicle, which was parked on the right side of the garage. It’s a very large, full-sized vehicle, and the car I was newly driving was wider than the ones I had driven before.

Fear was causing me to make mistakes with a skill that I had practiced successfully for many years. Fear was causing me to doubt myself and my abilities. Fear was coming close to shutting me down and causing me to admit defeat. Fear was making me overlook the abilities that I have that could help me achieve success.

Focusing on the abilities that have helped me park my vehicle in the garage successfully for many years, I

decided that a deliberate strategy could be used to help me overcome my anxiety. For the next few days, I paid close attention to my driving techniques and my emotions as I approached the entrance of the garage. I was surprised to discover that during all the years that I had parked successfully on the left side of the garage, I had looked at my left mirror and the left garage door frame as I entered the garage. When I got the different vehicle and had to park next to my husband’s large vehicle, I began looking to the right at his truck instead. That changed my perspective, my focus, my emotions, and my ability to be successful at this basic skill that I had practiced for years!

The solution? I coached myself to stay calm, and to begin focusing again on the left side of the garage, just as I had for many years. Surprisingly, when I did that, I was able to park my car quickly and successfully, just like old times! (If you’d like to share your strategies for managing anxiety, please email us, or comment on our blog or Facebook page).

How often does fear mess with our ability to be successful? I’m guessing that it happens more than we realize, just as it took me some time to realize that fear was the root of my temporary inability to park my car in my garage. Everyone deals with fear at one time or another. Some people deal with significant, debilitating anxiety, and may need medications and/or more intensive therapy to manage it effectively. Fear is a natural part of our human experience, but it’s important to have strategies to manage it so that it does not control our lives. (See below and watch Facebook this week for suggested resources that can help!)

Best wishes as you continue to balance healthy anxiety with strategies for keeping fear from negatively impacting your ability to be successful!

For the last several weeks, Social Incites™ has looked at the social “Great Dilemma.” This basically refers to the constant balancing act between our own individuality, needs, and wants, and the expectations of others. My theory is that the resolution to this great dilemma lies in having all the information needed to make “informed social choices.” To illustrate how this works, I’m including a correspondence I had once with a subscriber:

QUESTION: Hi Laurel – I’ve come across this issue when administering the Social Language Development Test-Elementary.  One subtest asks the child what they would say in certain situations that come up with their friends.  For example, one refers to…what would you say if someone asked to sit next to you but they smelled bad and you really didn’t want to.  To get the highest points, the response expected is to sit by the person anyway.  However, I don’t believe this is appropriate.  Wouldn’t it be better to politely decline as opposed to suffering next to someone who smelled?!  I can see how a person with ASD would be confused by this since it is SUCH a fake response! What do you think?

ANSWER: Aside from trying to do well on the test, I don’t believe there’s a right or a wrong response. To resolve the Great Dilemma, it’s important to be able to make an INFORMED choice. We can’t do that if we don’t have all the information. In this example, we’d likely have a few choices:

1.     Sit by the person anyway, finding a way to endure the smell long enough to be socially effective (to make the other person feel good and maybe even to gain something socially ourselves). You can feel good about having made a friendly choice, but know that you may be placed in a similar situation again in the near future if the person continues to smell and again asks you to sit with him/her.

2.     Politely decline, knowing that it may make the person feel bad or leave them feeling confused. We pass up on an uncomfortable situation, but may also miss an opportunity to make a new friend or to help that person.

3.     Find a kind way to tell the truth, knowing that it might make the person uncomfortable or upset, but it could also help him or her to make a necessary change that could improve their chances of social success…and might lead to a new friendship for both of us.

Social interactions are unique to the individuals who are interacting. We cannot guarantee an outcome (any of the above examples could turn out badly one day and well another day, and can vary from one person to another), but we can provide valuable information about the choices available to us and potential outcomes. This testing situation is difficult, given that the test is designed to look for a particular response. And as indicated in the above correspondence, it may not always be the most socially effective response!

For the last several weeks, we’ve been looking at improving social effectiveness through gaining a better understanding of the needs, abilities, and expectations of the people with whom we’re interacting. It’s important to remember that we will all make social mistakes along the way, but hopefully will continue to learn from those mistakes as we go.

One additional way to experience social success is to work at developing relationships with people who value and affirm us for who we are, with whom we do not need to engage in “The Great Fake,” and therefore are not presented with frequent “Great Dilemmas.” It’s an incredible gift (worth celebrating!) to have family members, friends, and others who listen, affirm, value, and accept us for who we are. And by being an understanding, accepting, affirming, flexible person, you and I can be a tremendous gift to others!

Best wishes as you continue to help your students sort this out…and like me, continue to learn along the way!

In an ideal world, we would all be accepted and celebrated for who we are. We would have endless options for presenting and enjoying our unique individuality. Everyone would be interested in seeing, hearing, knowing, and interacting with us just as we are. “The Great Fake” would not be necessary, and we would not be acquainted with the social “Great Dilemma.”

Yet the nature of social human beings requires “social rules” to govern its effectiveness. A lack of social rules would lead to social chaos, just as a lack of rules at home, in the classroom, in the workplace, and around the community would lead to certain confusion or even utter turmoil. Like any other set of rules, there are some social rules that are stated or generally well-known, and others that present a bit of mystery, or may still be unknown to some people.

Last week I wrote, “Demystifying the social context, by providing information about what people think, feel, know, expect, etc., as well as the choices we have available to us and potential consequences accompanying those, can restore a level of control, comfort and success. It allows us to make ‘informed social choices.’” There are numerous resources to help demystify the social context, including:

1.     “The Social Response Pyramid(TM)”: The downloadable pdf Pyramid KIT (with all the pieces needed for having Pyramid discussions for only $8.00) contains reproducible templates for Pyramid discussions. It has been a fabulous tool to use with my own children as well as my clients. It helps me to discover the information they already have, find ways to provide missing information, and perhaps most importantly, it gives us an opportunity to stay calm and identify choices even when discussing difficult or emotional social situations.

2.     The funny yet informative books which present social expectations and strategies in an “easy-to-digest” way for children and teens. These include:

·         Dude That’s Rude…Get Some Manners
·         Don’t Behave Like You Live in a Cave
·         The How Rude! Handbook of Family Manners for Teens: Avoiding Strife in Family Life
·         Bullies are a Pain in the Brain
·         Siblings: You’re Stuck with Each Other So Stick Together

3.     The delightful series of children’s picture books by Cheri Meiners. Each ends with suggestions for parents and professionals looking for ways to further teach these important concepts. Titles include:

·         Share and Take Turns
·         Know and Follow Rules
·         Be Honest and Tell the Truth
·         Be Careful and Stay Safe
·         Join in and Play
·         Accept and Value Each Person
·         Reach Out and Give
·         Be Polite and Kind
·         Listen and Learn

·         Respect and Take Care of Things

·         Talk and Work it Out

·         Try and Stick With It

·         Understand and Care

·         Cool Down and Work Through Anger

4.     “The Incredible 5-Point Scale,” which equips teachers, parents, and students with a common vocabulary and framework for teaching, understanding, and monitoring a wide variety of responses, including emotions. Kari Dunn Buron’s sequel to this book, “A 5 is Against the Law,” covers the concept of “non-optional social compliance” mentioned in last week’s Social Incites™. (Be sure to also check out, “A 5 Could Make Me Lose Control,” and for adolescents and adults, “Social Behavior and Self Management.”

These are just a few of the resources available, all of which provide valuable information and support for those teaching or learning about social expectations and social effectiveness. (Watch our Facebook page for more ideas this week).

Best wishes as you continue to demystify the social context in order to help yourselves and others experience social success!