We've likely all heard the expression, "You've gone too far." Generally it's spoken when we have crossed an invisible social line from "acceptable" to "unacceptable." Good-natured teasing develops a hurtful edge. A fun prank destroys property or injures a person's sense of self-worth. Criticism, perhaps intended to be constructive, borders on bullying or abuse and ends up tearing down relationships or self-esteem. Probing questions become too personal or intrusive. A gesture or comment is misconstrued, or wasn't anticipated or desired, and is viewed as harassment.

Many people can sense when they have gone "too far." The responses they get, either internally or externally, signal that it's time to stop, or even to backtrack if possible. They begin to right the wrongs, and to heal the hurts that resulted from their words or actions. Ideally, they learn from experience and watch their future words and actions more closely to ensure that the invisible line between "far" and "too far" is not crossed again (at least not in the same way).

If you know about autism spectrum disorders (ASD), you are aware that it can be difficult for individuals with this diagnosis (as well as many others without the diagnosis) to "sense" the line between "far" and "too far," to identify the need to stop their words or actions, or to repair the situation once it has deteriorated.

How do we teach this? While it may be tempting to develop an exhaustive list of "do's" and "do not's" for individuals to follow, the nature of social situations creates a relatively unpredictable playing field; one that is not particularly conducive to a black and white list of acceptable and unacceptable behaviors. We know that there should be some absolutes--rules that are always followed, with consequences for disobedience. However, not all things can be stated as rules, and not all rules are intended to be followed absolutely. When I was in high school, we were not allowed to throw snow balls on school property. The school administration wisely indicated that injuries and/or out-of-control crowd situations could result if the rules were not followed. One day, as I was leaving school, I quickly crafted a snowball and aimed it at an oncoming target, and successfully hit it squarely in the forehead! I suppose the most amazing aspect of this wasn't that I was able to hit something smaller than the side of a building (my aim was never very good), or that I--always a good student and rule-follower--would break the school rules, but that I didn't get in trouble for going "too far." You see, I "sensed" that the rules could be bent in this situation, and that what typically would cause problems for me would not be an issue in this situation. And fortunately, I was right! (Keep reading to find out why!)

So, if we sometimes need to "sense" the social line of acceptability rather than always constructing it out of specific rules rigidly followed, how do we convey that to those with ASD? We know that an inability to avoid going "too far" damages or ruins relationships, leads students to punishment or expulsion, entices boyfriends and girlfriends (or those who wish to carry that title) toward undesirable or dangerous situations, and often, propels people of all ages into the hands of the legal system.

The best resource I've found which deals specifically with this dilemma is Kari Dunn Buron's A 5 is Against the Law. If you're familiar with her previous book, The Incredible 5-Point Scale, then you know the value (and effectiveness) of teaching this scale to individuals to help them monitor and adjust their emotions and behaviors across a wide variety of environments and situations. Chapters in this newer book include, "What is a 5-Point Scale?" and a great one on social understanding, "Different People See and THINK About Things Differently." While much of the book's content can be applied to a variety of scenarios, the author also provides valuable specific information such as "When a Kiss or Glance Becomes a Crime." (She has since written, Social Behavior and Self-Management: 5-Point Scales for Adolescents and Adults, another helpful resource.)

As we continue to teach social insight and understanding, our goal is to have fewer incidents of "crossing the line" or "going too far"--on BOTH sides of the social equation!

P.S. My long-ago snowball hit a member of the school administration--our vice-principal--right in the middle of his forehead. At approximately 6 feet, 5 inches tall, he was a formidable opponent. However, he was also a long-time family friend, AND he broke the rules first by throwing a snowball at me (although he missed)! We were both shocked when my hastily launched missile hit its target, but I knew as well as he did that given the circumstances, he would have a hard time justifying punishment for me! In an interesting twist of life events, he is now the president of the college where one of my sons is a student. We have never discussed the snowball incident, but I still greatly admire and respect him, even as I am aware of his playful side.

I’ll spare you the selfie I took this morning, but suffice it to say I look like I just emerged from a boxing ring—not the winner! A week ago (the day after my 46th birthday) I was hit with excruciating headaches. A few days later a blistery rash showed up on my forehead, scalp, and eyelid, and I was diagnosed with shingles. My first thought was, “I guess I really am old! Happy birthday to me!” My next thought was, “How am I going to do my work? I’m too busy as a mom and professional to be sidelined by shingles!” Not willing to be totally defeated, today I am typing this, bowed low over my computer, with my left eye hideously swollen shut. My face is deformed with blisters and swollen glands the size of boulders. The bridge of my nose has decided to take over half of my eyeball’s territory. Why do I share the gruesome details with you? Not for sympathy (OK, a little goes a long ways…), but because I’m guessing you can relate. I, too, am human. And all the planning in the world can’t account for the unexpected things that derail our plans and leave us sidelined, sometimes short-term, and occasionally for longer periods of time. I was going to run my first 5K this weekend. I was going to enjoy the festivities in downtown Holland (Michigan) as our community and busloads of tourists gather to celebrate “Tulip Time.” I was going to help two students find new jobs. Instead, I’ve spent the last several days on the couch, popping pills and icing my massive eye socket with frozen peas and corn.

Can you relate? I’m sure you’ve suffered from the flu, or maybe something worse like cancer. You may have had a broken bone, or an illness like fibromyalgia or lyme disease, or suffered a stroke or heart attack. Those can definitely take us “out of the game” and send us to the sidelines. Physical ailments are not the only things that can derail us. Consider these:

-       Financial problems can cause us to change financial course, and alter many of the comforts we’ve come to know and love. I am acquainted with many people who are homeless. It’s not what they expected, but they’re forced to deal with the reality of building their lives again from the bottom up.

-       Relationship problems can cause us to step away from work, school, or other goals, either physically or emotionally. Broken friendships, divorce, problems with children or parents can all consume our time and energy, leaving us sidelined for a time.

-       Loss of a loved one, loss of security, loss of a dream, or some other loss can take us “out of the game” and send us to the sidelines while we search for a “new normal.”

-       Struggles faced by our loved ones can also leave us sidelined from our usual priorities. When a child, sibling, parent, or grandparent, or perhaps even a close friend, is suffering, often we step away from our own lives to tend and care for their needs.

There are many things that can send us to the sidelines, away from the track we were on to reach our goals. Is being sidelined always a negative thing? While it may feel like it in the moment, as most of us don’t choose to be sidelined, I think it can serve a very positive purpose.

While I will never be accused of being a sports enthusiast, it is my understanding that players are typically sidelined for one of three reasons:

-       As a penalty, which came as a result of choices that were against the rules

-       As a much-needed rest after playing faithfully, giving players a chance to rehydrate and get refreshed before heading back into the game

-       As a preventative or restorative measure when a player is suffering from an illness or has sustained an injury.

As I see it, being sidelined is typically for the good of the individual, with the hope that over time, he or she will be ready to head back into the game of life to continue to work toward their goals. I must admit that two weeks ago, I prayed a sincere prayer that God would grant me rest. I felt totally overwhelmed with a son changing college plans last-minute, another son being diagnosed with asthma and the need to find a new home for my beloved cat, another son heading to Israel, a steady workload of students, a lawn bursting forth with spring and needing weeding and mulching, etc. Life was good, but I couldn’t figure out how to get some extra sleep or restoration for my weary soul. God, in His infinite wisdom, knew that it takes some drastic measures to slow me down and give me rest. A nasty case of shingles, while I would not have chosen that (and would never wish it on anyone!) has led to long nights of sleep, rest during the day, time to listen to music and interact with my children, time to think and plan for students and other upcoming activities, and time to be tended to by my four-year-old, who loves to play doctor. And while I haven’t been thrilled to hear that I am a likely candidate to suffer long term effects of this bout with shingles, and may have to endure future episodes, I, like the apostle Paul, am learning “to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” (Philippians 4:11-13)

I’m praying that each of you will find your strength in Him, whether you’re fully immersed in the activities of life, or whether you are currently also sidelined. May He grant your “daily bread”—all that you need, each and every day, to fulfill His calling, until the day He calls you home to hear, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” (Matthew 25:21)