Last week we looked at anxiety, and how it can either work in our favor, or against our attempts at being successful. I received many wonderful emails from readers—thank you to everyone who took the time to write!

Linda Eisen. from New York graciously agreed that I could share her comments with you:

In working with children and adults with ASD for a very long time I have found that anxiety and fear of the unknown can be simply decreased by the use of concrete objects, visual supports and /or social scripts relating to the unknown.  When we have scheduled an appointment with a physician, dentist, specialist or will be attending a class for the first time we are uncertain as to what is going to happen.  How long am I going to be there?  What will be expected of me?  By providing visual supports in the form of objects, pictures, social scripts or even something as sophisticated as a virtual tour we give meaning and understanding to the unknown, which in turn diminishes the fear and anxiety.

Linda’s comment reminded me of a concrete object that I used with one of my children years ago. When that child was dealing with anxiety, I took a mug out of the kitchen cupboard, had my child decorate it with the words, “Worry Cup,” and put it by the door to the garage. I cut strips of paper and stacked them next to the cup with a pen. Each day before we left the house, we would write the child’s worries on pieces of paper, fold them, and put them in the cup. We would say a prayer asking that the worries would stay there for the day, and then leave for school or wherever else we were going. At the end of the day we would take out the slips of paper and talk about whether they still represented things that needed to be worried about, or whether they had been resolved. Typically we found that they were no longer an issue. It was a very effective tool!

More recently while job coaching, I instructed a student to leave his worries in the closet with his backpack when he arrived at work. The situation he was worrying about could wait until he was finished working for the day. His anxiety visibly decreased, and he was able to focus on his work.

Last week I posted the following quote on Facebook: Nerves and butterflies are fine — they're a physical sign that you're mentally ready and eager. You have to get the butterflies to fly in formation, that's the trick. (Steve Bull)

Best wishes as you work to keep your butterflies flying in formation, and attempt to help others do the same!

I had an interesting experience several months ago. I suddenly became unable to park my car in my garage! I’ve lived in this house over four years, and each day I have parked a variety of vehicles in the left side of the garage without incident. Yet after changing to a new vehicle in October, I suddenly found it difficult to pull into the garage successfully. First I would go too far to the left, then back up, and end up going too far to the right. I began having significant anxiety whenever I had to park my car in the garage, which didn’t make the task any easier. Finally, one day I sat in my vehicle outside the garage and asked myself, “What’s the problem?” It occurred to me that I was afraid of hitting my husband’s vehicle, which was parked on the right side of the garage. It’s a very large, full-sized vehicle, and the car I was newly driving was wider than the ones I had driven before.

Fear was causing me to make mistakes with a skill that I had practiced successfully for many years. Fear was causing me to doubt myself and my abilities. Fear was coming close to shutting me down and causing me to admit defeat. Fear was making me overlook the abilities that I have that could help me achieve success.

Focusing on the abilities that have helped me park my vehicle in the garage successfully for many years, I

decided that a deliberate strategy could be used to help me overcome my anxiety. For the next few days, I paid close attention to my driving techniques and my emotions as I approached the entrance of the garage. I was surprised to discover that during all the years that I had parked successfully on the left side of the garage, I had looked at my left mirror and the left garage door frame as I entered the garage. When I got the different vehicle and had to park next to my husband’s large vehicle, I began looking to the right at his truck instead. That changed my perspective, my focus, my emotions, and my ability to be successful at this basic skill that I had practiced for years!

The solution? I coached myself to stay calm, and to begin focusing again on the left side of the garage, just as I had for many years. Surprisingly, when I did that, I was able to park my car quickly and successfully, just like old times! (If you’d like to share your strategies for managing anxiety, please email us, or comment on our blog or Facebook page).

How often does fear mess with our ability to be successful? I’m guessing that it happens more than we realize, just as it took me some time to realize that fear was the root of my temporary inability to park my car in my garage. Everyone deals with fear at one time or another. Some people deal with significant, debilitating anxiety, and may need medications and/or more intensive therapy to manage it effectively. Fear is a natural part of our human experience, but it’s important to have strategies to manage it so that it does not control our lives. (See below and watch Facebook this week for suggested resources that can help!)

Best wishes as you continue to balance healthy anxiety with strategies for keeping fear from negatively impacting your ability to be successful!

For the last several weeks, Social Incites™ has looked at the social “Great Dilemma.” This basically refers to the constant balancing act between our own individuality, needs, and wants, and the expectations of others. My theory is that the resolution to this great dilemma lies in having all the information needed to make “informed social choices.” To illustrate how this works, I’m including a correspondence I had once with a subscriber:

QUESTION: Hi Laurel – I’ve come across this issue when administering the Social Language Development Test-Elementary.  One subtest asks the child what they would say in certain situations that come up with their friends.  For example, one refers to…what would you say if someone asked to sit next to you but they smelled bad and you really didn’t want to.  To get the highest points, the response expected is to sit by the person anyway.  However, I don’t believe this is appropriate.  Wouldn’t it be better to politely decline as opposed to suffering next to someone who smelled?!  I can see how a person with ASD would be confused by this since it is SUCH a fake response! What do you think?

ANSWER: Aside from trying to do well on the test, I don’t believe there’s a right or a wrong response. To resolve the Great Dilemma, it’s important to be able to make an INFORMED choice. We can’t do that if we don’t have all the information. In this example, we’d likely have a few choices:

1.     Sit by the person anyway, finding a way to endure the smell long enough to be socially effective (to make the other person feel good and maybe even to gain something socially ourselves). You can feel good about having made a friendly choice, but know that you may be placed in a similar situation again in the near future if the person continues to smell and again asks you to sit with him/her.

2.     Politely decline, knowing that it may make the person feel bad or leave them feeling confused. We pass up on an uncomfortable situation, but may also miss an opportunity to make a new friend or to help that person.

3.     Find a kind way to tell the truth, knowing that it might make the person uncomfortable or upset, but it could also help him or her to make a necessary change that could improve their chances of social success…and might lead to a new friendship for both of us.

Social interactions are unique to the individuals who are interacting. We cannot guarantee an outcome (any of the above examples could turn out badly one day and well another day, and can vary from one person to another), but we can provide valuable information about the choices available to us and potential outcomes. This testing situation is difficult, given that the test is designed to look for a particular response. And as indicated in the above correspondence, it may not always be the most socially effective response!

For the last several weeks, we’ve been looking at improving social effectiveness through gaining a better understanding of the needs, abilities, and expectations of the people with whom we’re interacting. It’s important to remember that we will all make social mistakes along the way, but hopefully will continue to learn from those mistakes as we go.

One additional way to experience social success is to work at developing relationships with people who value and affirm us for who we are, with whom we do not need to engage in “The Great Fake,” and therefore are not presented with frequent “Great Dilemmas.” It’s an incredible gift (worth celebrating!) to have family members, friends, and others who listen, affirm, value, and accept us for who we are. And by being an understanding, accepting, affirming, flexible person, you and I can be a tremendous gift to others!

Best wishes as you continue to help your students sort this out…and like me, continue to learn along the way!

In an ideal world, we would all be accepted and celebrated for who we are. We would have endless options for presenting and enjoying our unique individuality. Everyone would be interested in seeing, hearing, knowing, and interacting with us just as we are. “The Great Fake” would not be necessary, and we would not be acquainted with the social “Great Dilemma.”

Yet the nature of social human beings requires “social rules” to govern its effectiveness. A lack of social rules would lead to social chaos, just as a lack of rules at home, in the classroom, in the workplace, and around the community would lead to certain confusion or even utter turmoil. Like any other set of rules, there are some social rules that are stated or generally well-known, and others that present a bit of mystery, or may still be unknown to some people.

Last week I wrote, “Demystifying the social context, by providing information about what people think, feel, know, expect, etc., as well as the choices we have available to us and potential consequences accompanying those, can restore a level of control, comfort and success. It allows us to make ‘informed social choices.’” There are numerous resources to help demystify the social context, including:

1.     “The Social Response Pyramid(TM)”: The downloadable pdf Pyramid KIT (with all the pieces needed for having Pyramid discussions for only $8.00) contains reproducible templates for Pyramid discussions. It has been a fabulous tool to use with my own children as well as my clients. It helps me to discover the information they already have, find ways to provide missing information, and perhaps most importantly, it gives us an opportunity to stay calm and identify choices even when discussing difficult or emotional social situations.

2.     The funny yet informative books which present social expectations and strategies in an “easy-to-digest” way for children and teens. These include:

·         Dude That’s Rude…Get Some Manners
·         Don’t Behave Like You Live in a Cave
·         The How Rude! Handbook of Family Manners for Teens: Avoiding Strife in Family Life
·         Bullies are a Pain in the Brain
·         Siblings: You’re Stuck with Each Other So Stick Together

3.     The delightful series of children’s picture books by Cheri Meiners. Each ends with suggestions for parents and professionals looking for ways to further teach these important concepts. Titles include:

·         Share and Take Turns
·         Know and Follow Rules
·         Be Honest and Tell the Truth
·         Be Careful and Stay Safe
·         Join in and Play
·         Accept and Value Each Person
·         Reach Out and Give
·         Be Polite and Kind
·         Listen and Learn

·         Respect and Take Care of Things

·         Talk and Work it Out

·         Try and Stick With It

·         Understand and Care

·         Cool Down and Work Through Anger

4.     “The Incredible 5-Point Scale,” which equips teachers, parents, and students with a common vocabulary and framework for teaching, understanding, and monitoring a wide variety of responses, including emotions. Kari Dunn Buron’s sequel to this book, “A 5 is Against the Law,” covers the concept of “non-optional social compliance” mentioned in last week’s Social Incites™. (Be sure to also check out, “A 5 Could Make Me Lose Control,” and for adolescents and adults, “Social Behavior and Self Management.”

These are just a few of the resources available, all of which provide valuable information and support for those teaching or learning about social expectations and social effectiveness. (Watch our Facebook page for more ideas this week).

Best wishes as you continue to demystify the social context in order to help yourselves and others experience social success!