Two weeks ago we tackled forgetfulness with the reminder to be gentle with ourselves, and looked at a few strategies for improving our memories. Last week we looked at forgiveness, and the need to release ourselves or others from the burden of hurt or desire for revenge, whether the pain was caused by someone else or by something we had done.

Yet it is human nature to experience times of bitterness, whether our negative emotion is directed inward or outward. Forgiving someone or something does not magically remove the hurt. Trying to forget something we’d rather not remember does not happen overnight.

The experience of reading dictionary definitions of “bitter” –at least for me—produces the same effect as sucking on a sour lemon. Regarding a “bitter taste” dictionaries use words like, “Harsh, or disagreeably acrid.” Regarding emotions or sensations that are bitter, descriptions include, “painful, scornful, fierce, distressful, piercing, intense antagonism, hostility, resentful, cynical.”

Have you been there? Are you there now? The bitterness we carry can literally eat away at us like acid, destroying joy, hope, trust, and even relationships with others, as well as life opportunities like jobs, living situations, educational degrees, etc.

What is the source of bitterness? There may be many theories…perhaps you have some of your own ideas. Personally, I think the root of bitterness lies in unmet expectations that we have for ourselves or others. Since each of us has our own “CONTEXT,” or starting point, with unique experiences, personalities, emotions, knowledge, fears, and dreams, our expectations are likely to be different from those of the people around us. And since most expectations are simply assumed or projected onto others without being verbally identified, it is not surprising that every day some expectations, big and small, will go unmet.

Not everything will go as we expect. People will let us down. Accidents will happen. We are not perfect, our circumstances will not be perfect, and the people with whom we live, work, and play will not be perfect. We have a choice. Will we allow these to make us bitter? Or will we choose to let them make us better?

In choosing to be “better” and not “bitter,” we can extend grace, forgiveness, and a “new way of remembering” to ourselves and to the people and circumstances that fail to meet our expectations. We can learn from our mistakes. We can be thankful for the events and people who shape us, correct us, and help us grow, whether or not we would have chosen them. Choosing to allow people and circumstances to make us better rather than bitter is not a one-time event. Instead, it often takes daily choices, remembered and reinforced time and time again.

Savor this for a moment…Dictionary definitions of “better” use words such as, “superior quality, more virtuous, larger, greater, improved, completely recovered in health, more appropriate, acceptable, surpass, and exceed.” It strikes me that “better” is a way of exceeding expectations…even when things don’t turn out as planned.

What is the difference between “bitter” and “better?” I think it might be all about taking the “I” out of bitter, and replacing it with the “e” for “eye…” choosing to see or remember things in a different way, forgiving myself, realizing it may not be all about me, or removing myself from the center of the equation, whether to protect myself from future hurt, or to keep from being a part of the on-going problem.

Which do you choose? Bitter…or better?

Last week I wrote about forgetfulness. Hopefully that article was reassuring to those of you who, like me, find memory lapses to be an increasingly common component in our daily lives. The topic of today's article is another which, on the surface, may make us uncomfortable, but which I hope will bring you additional hope and reassurance.

We have a tendency to view forgiveness as something which should be earned. Taking that perspective, we await an apology or resolution from those who have wronged us in some way. Unfortunately, all too often their perceived offenses were unintentional, and so they do not realize that they need to be forgiven. Or their transgressions were intentional, and they have no desire to "clear the slate" by offering an expression of remorse. Either way, we are left carrying the burden of our hurt feelings, replaying the mental soundtrack or videotape of insensitive or scathing words or actions, and harboring resentment toward those who have offended us. Waiting for another person to restore the relationship can bring us hours, days, or even years of hurt and resentment, along with ailing health, both physical and emotional.

Many people have discovered that there is a better way! Forgiveness doesn’t need to be something for which you wait endlessly. Instead, it can be a choice; a gift that you give to yourself as a means of setting down your burden of pain and moving on with your life. Catherine Ponder has written, "When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” Similarly, Lewis B. Smedes has written, "To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” Initially, or perhaps ultimately, forgiveness isn't something you do for another person; it's something you do for yourself. It's choosing to let go of your right to hold onto the pain caused by someone's words or actions (or to exact revenge), and deliberately moving on. It's choosing to not dwell on the offense; to refrain from re-playing a painful virtual video or audio cassette.

Forgiveness is not a decision to completely forget what happened. It is not the same as forgetting where we put our car keys or the name of our new colleague, although that idea is perpetuated in the common and sometimes flippant advice of "forgive and forget." Lewis B. Smedes further explains forgiveness in this way, "When we forgive evil we do not excuse it, we do not tolerate it, we do not smother it. We look the evil full in the face, call it what it is, let its horror shock and stun and enrage us, and only then do we forgive it…Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.” Paul Boese described it this way, "Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.”

We can learn from the wrong that is done to us, whether intentionally or unintentionally, by other people. And then we can choose to move on. This sort of "deliberate forgetfulness" serves us well. In fact, research has shown many positive effects on our physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being when we choose the path of forgiveness. You can choose to be positively changed by the experience, even if the other person never changes or apologizes.

And if we are tempted to think that forgiveness is for the faint of heart, we can consider what Mahatma Gandhi once said, "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”

As I mentioned last week, I forget some things all too easily. However, I am learning to "forget" others more deliberately--for my own good, as well as those around me. And we'd all do well to remember that sometimes we ourselves are the ones in need of forgiveness for the hurts that we cause others! I suppose that's one of the most important "social incites!"

As I count the days (okay, years) beyond age 40, I am finding that with increased maturity, experience, and hopefully wisdom, has come one other noticeable side effect of getting older: increasing forgetfulness! More often I find myself forgetting a name or a thought, finding myself frustrated with the feeling that it's "on the tip of my tongue," although I'm unable to retrieve it. I lose small items, and need to think more deliberately (and keep an eye on my calendar) to know what's on my schedule for the rest of the day, as well as the week ahead.

I know that many of the thousands of people reading this email can identify with my frustration, especially if you are nearing the "Big 4-0" or like me, have already passed that milestone. Many of us have become conditioned to expect forgetfulness as we get older.

I’ve read, though, that rather than attributing our forgetfulness immediately to old age, or even fearing the onset of Alzheimer's or some other neurological degeneration, we should look at our lifestyle and realize the role that it plays in our ability (or inability) to remember things. It's true that as we age, we begin to lose brain cells. However, our brains are also required to compile information which increases exponentially as we get older. Dates, phone numbers, schedules, memories, statistics, work-related jargon and responsibilities, and the need to juggle personal and work lives in a busy, fast-paced culture can clog even the most efficient brains, much like rush-hour traffic ties up highways around major cities. As a working mom to four children of various ages, I know that the demands of everyday life are likely utilizing maximum available brain cells at this point in my life!

There are strategies we can employ in order to aid our working memory. Following are just a few; if you'd like to add to the list, you can do so at www.socialincites.com or on our Facebook page (or feel free to email them to me!)

1. Slow down. Take time to think about what you're doing, to make note of important details (either mentally or by writing them down), and simplify your schedule where possible. This is the single most important step for me if I want to be successful in finding my vehicle when I exit the grocery store (the panic button on the key fob works well, too, but is a dead give-away to the fact that I don’t remember where I parked)!

2. Take time to organize. While it may seem as though you don't have time to add extra steps to the process, you may actually end up saving time by organizing your drawers, cupboards, and computer bag so that everything has its place. Then take an extra minute to ensure that items are put where they belong so that you can find them next time you need them.

3. Take time to meet your other needs. Your brain, just like the rest of your body, will function better when you're getting enough sleep and exercise, eating healthy foods, nurturing friendships, and occasionally spending time with a hobby or a good book.

4. Establish connections. Have you just met someone new? Associate his or her name with someone else you know, or with a familiar object that will help you remember the name in the future. Use mnemonic devices to remember words, dates, or details. Organize your mental (or written) shopping list according to the sections in the store. Or develop a catchy tune to go with the information you need to remember.

Sometimes I find myself envious of children, whose memories (and lives) are not cluttered with as many experiences and responsibilities as mine, and therefore seem to recall information with lightning speed. I am also aware that individuals with autism spectrum disorders (ASD) have an advantage over me with their usually superior ability to memorize facts and remember details. But while I appreciate and admire their gifts, I am learning to accept my own limitations, and to find ways to help myself adapt as needed. Next week, I'll write about the things that we would do well to forget, as I explore the important topic of forgiveness.

Best wishes as you continue to promote social insight and understanding, regardless of the efficiency of your memory!