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Marriage doesn’t come with instructions; nor does parenting or friendship. These are often the most significant relationships in our lives, yet unlike interactions with mechanics, employers, medical professionals, attorneys, teachers, utility workers, and other service providers, these relationships are typically not governed by well-defined expectations.
Most of us, even if we have never specifically said so, expect our children to grow up to be respectful, kind, productive, and responsible. We hope that these expectations will be met through lots of love, constant gentle (or not-so-gentle) correction, or some other form of osmosis. While this works for some people, it doesn’t work as well for many children (or their parents), and is even less likely to work for people with autism spectrum disorders (ASD). The plan for success is very basic, yet we often overlook it, or fail to recognize its importance. The result can be frustrating for everyone involved in a social interaction. Just like last week’s reminder of signs defining expectations as, “No shoes, no shirt, no service,” our plan for success contains the following three components: 1. Define your expectations. If you expect respect, what does that look like, sound like, feel like? Respect is a very abstract concept unless we provide specific examples to help others understand what we expect. This is true of other expectations which we too often refer to in a very ambiguous way: “Follow directions, be kind, don’t be late, do it yourself, ask nicely, use your words, don’t eat too much, go to bed on-time, work harder, etc.” While we’re at it, it can be very helpful to state our expectations in positive terms (i.e. “Please walk in the halls,” rather than “Don’t run.”) Be concise, specific, and yet detailed enough to let others know how to be successful. 2. Provide instruction and strategies to help others meet your expectations. Sometimes they need more information before they can understand what we mean, or sensory or calming strategies to manage their functioning, or visual cues (posters, photos, cue cards) to remind them how to respond effectively. The Social Response Pyramid™, Social Stories™, Social Behavior Mapping™, and Incredible Five Point Scale™ (among others), can be valuable tools for helping people to meet others’ expectations. 3. Just as “No shoes, no shirt, no service” defines how to be successful…and what the consequences will be if the expectations are not met, it’s important that our plan for success includes specific information about consequences for people’s choices (both positive and negative). Then we must allow them to experience those consequences in order to learn how to be successful! As I coach families around the world, I often get to number 3 in the plan for success, and hear, “Isn’t that mean? I don’t want my child to be upset!” Is it mean for the electric company to turn off power if bills aren’t paid? Is it mean for police to give expensive tickets for breaking traffic laws? Is it mean for a teacher to give a lower grade if homework isn’t turned in on-time (or is not done according to the teacher’s requirements)? Is it mean for an employer to dock pay—or terminate employment—if an employee does not meet expectations for attendance or performance? Of course, the flip side of that could also read, “Is it mean for the electric company to continue to provide power to those who pay their bills? Is it mean for police to allow people who follow traffic laws to go about their business in peace? Is it mean for teachers to give good grades to students who meet their requirements? Is it mean for employers to allow employees with good attendance records and demonstrated productivity to keep their jobs, or to be promoted with greater pay and responsibility?” Regardless of how you feel about the appropriateness or “fairness” of each of the above scenarios, the truth is that our society can only function with clearly defined—and enforced—expectations. We do our children a great disservice if we do not teach and model these basic truths at home. The good news is that I’ve seen countless families experience and enjoy success when they follow this basic three-step plan. It’s my hope that you will also reap the rewards of extra time and effort that goes a long way toward helping everyone to meet expectations!
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Over the years, as I’ve entered various establishments such as stores, restaurants, gas stations, movie theaters, and libraries, I’ve often been greeted by a sign on the front door which reads, “No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service.” Spelling out expectations helps visitors to know how to successfully receive services, and provides the owners with the stated right to refuse to provide a service—or to escort someone to the door.
Everyone around us has expectations for our responses. Most often, those are clearly spelled out prior to an interaction. We are provided with written instructions—and are asked to agree to a variety of expectations—every time we join a club, class, or sports team, and whenever we move (by signing a lease agreement or stack of mortgage paperwork), access new services such as utilities, web sites (including social media), sign up for a credit card or bank account, go to someone for repairs (for appliances, vehicles, etc.), secure new employment, go to a medical or other professional, adopt a pet, or seek a new skill or experience (driving, skiing, running a race, etc.) When expectations are stated up front, we know the terms for the interaction; we know how to be successful, and we know what will happen if we are unable (or unwilling) to meet those expectations. Yet it’s interesting to me that in our most important interactions with others—primarily our marriages, parenting relationships, and friendships—we often do not spell out expectations ahead of time. In fact, many of us cannot even articulate our own expectations, nor do we always know what others expect of us. This causes difficulty in many of these relationships. This is especially true when autism or some other “social disability” is involved, because these individuals have difficulty “reading” social cues, and responding effectively. Next week I’ll share a “plan for success” for helping ourselves and others to define and meet expectations. For now, I challenge you to note this week how many instructions or clearly defined expectations you can find around you. I’m guessing you’ll be surprised at how much of our life—and our ability to be successful-- is governed by others’ expectations! Laurel Falvo, CFLE Certified Family Life Educator Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding www.thegraycenter.org Last week I wrote about the life lessons that my youngest son has learned already in the first year of his life. Since I believe that many of us lose sight of these valuable lessons over time, I’ve turned those into challenges for each of us to consider as we move into 2012:
1. NOURISHING: Are your basic needs getting met? Do you do a good job of advocating for and pursuing (for yourself and others) a healthy diet, adequate sleep, relaxation, and recreation, healthy diet and exercise, medical care, inspiration, motivation, new information, supportive relationships, sufficient income to meet basic needs of transportation, lodging, clothing, etc.? Do you have negative things in your life (bad relationships, addictions, etc.) which cause more harm than good? 2. GROWING: As our basic needs get met (if we don’t get stuck in the nourishing phase—waiting for someone else to meet our needs), we can focus on growing in a variety of areas: physically (including self-care skills), mentally, emotionally, socially, spiritually, financially, morally and ethically, and in skills for independence and interdependence. Are you growing? What have you learned in the past year? What steps have you taken to keep growing this year? How are you being intentional about helping others to grow? 3. CONNECTING: We all need opportunities and abilities that enable us to connect in meaningful ways with other people, at home, at school, in the workplace, in a place of worship, and other community venues. Are you connecting with others? Are you encouraging and assisting those in your care (your children, students, colleagues, employees, etc.) to connect successfully with others? Usually, success does not come in isolation. 4. CONTRIBUTING: We all have gifts to share with others (time, talents, material goods, financial support, and practical assistance). And as we give back, we typically find that our needs (many of the items in number 1, above) are getting met, providing the nourishment we need to keep growing, connecting, and contributing! Are you and your family members contributing, at home and in your community? These are the ingredients for healthy living—a sustainable model of growing personally and interpersonally that will help us experience success throughout our lives. We begin to learn these lessons already in infancy, and have countless opportunities to keep growing throughout our lives. The challenge is to personally assess where we’re doing well, and where our growth is stunted, or “dead wood” is appearing. If you are living or working with individuals with autism, you will likely find that you need to be particularly intentional about growing, both in your personal life, and in helping individuals with ASD to grow. Both stress, and the inherent difficulties associated with autism, can stunt growth and get people “stuck.” Yet I’ve seen countless examples of deliberate steps people take in these areas, which lead to very positive outcomes for themselves and others. Best wishes as you work to grow personally and interpersonally in the year ahead! Laurel Falvo Years ago I became acquainted with the poem, “All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten,” by Robert Fulghum. It’s an interesting look at basic life lessons—the type learned on the playground or in a kindergarten classroom-- which serve us well throughout our lives. The past year has given me a fresh perspective on life and its lessons. One year ago tomorrow, my fourth child was born. My other children are now 17, 15, and almost 10, so I wasn’t exactly a novice mom. However, experiencing the first year of life again with Noah has given me fresh admiration for the incredible amount of learning that takes place from the moment a child is born.
I’ve observed that in the first year of life, my child has learned the following: 1. He has needs, and the way to get those met is to let others know about them. We all know how vocal a newborn can be about his/her needs. A baby cries when hungry, tired, wet, bored, or uncomfortable. Over the last several months, my son has become more deliberate in his efforts to get his needs met. He signs “more” when he wants something to eat or drink, or wants a fun activity repeated. He waves “bye-bye” when someone is leaving…or when he wants to go somewhere. He pulls on a pant-leg, delivers a toy, or makes eye contact with a person or object that interests him. Already by one year of age, a child is able to demonstrate an innate desire to communicate with others to get his/her needs met! 2. Growing and learning is exciting! Although he obviously still needs lots of help, Noah seems to take great pride in doing things himself. He walked already at 10 months, and although he still gets carried around a lot, he enjoys going places on his own power. Although it’s tempting to surround him with toys, or always find ways to entertain him, we see that “down time” encourages him to find ways to entertain himself—sometimes through getting into trouble, but more often through exploring and inventing creative activities. 3. The most fun things in life are those that invoke a response from others. Already at one year of age, Noah loves to connect with others and to get a response from them. He pulls funny faces, waiting for us to laugh. He grabs Daddy’s hat off his head, waiting for Daddy’s mock, “Oh, no—you stole my hat!” He never tires of favorite books, knowing we’ll read them to him again and again. Naturally, he appears particularly drawn to the things that provoke negative responses. A stern, “No-no!” makes him more determined than ever to repeat what he’s doing, often with a giggle and a gleam in his eye, giving Mom and Dad lots of opportunities to show that we mean what we say! 4. It’s fun to “help!” Even though things don’t always end up where they need to, Noah loves to “help” with basic chores around the house. He tries to take his turn emptying the dishwasher. He carries something across the room to deliver it to another family member. He empties his toys all over the floor of the living room (although he lacks the same enthusiasm for returning them to the toy box when he’s finished playing). He turns off his “music box” (what’s left of his mobile) before getting up from a nap. When we affirm his efforts, he learns that helping is another way to receive positive attention. What I’ve noticed as I get older—and as I work with countless teens, young adults, and their families—is that although we learn many of these lessons already in the first year of life, we often lose sight of these lessons as we age. I’ll describe what I mean in next week’s Social Incites. For now, happy birthday to Noah, and to all of you, whenever your birthday may be, I wish you childlike enthusiasm for life, learning, and connecting with and helping others! Laurel Falvo Far, farther, farthest.
High, higher, highest. Hard, harder, hardest. Good, better, best Do you remember doing this in elementary school? We learn to name comparisons between words, organizing them from least to greatest. Yet this represents an interesting phenomenon to me as a social coach. For some reason, many of us, when faced with a suggestion or challenge to go farther, climb higher, or work harder, assume that our starting point must then be “bad.” We become defensive or withdrawn. We feel depressed, or resent the thought that our efforts should be “better.” We might be tempted to give up. The results can be crippling to our relationships and our personal progress. What strategy can we use to overcome this tendency, so that we can still experience success? 1. Recognize that each of these comparisons represents a continuum. None of them starts at a “negative.” Instead, each has a starting point that shows that we’re on a journey, and looking forward. 2. Define your goal. Where are you headed? If we think we need to be THE farthest, highest, or best, it may seem overwhelming. However, if we focus on the middle word, always striving to go farther, climb higher, work harder, or do better, we may find that we’ve come farther than we ever have before, we’ve climbed higher than we thought possible, we’ve worked harder than we knew we could, and we’ve made the best use of our time and abilities. 3. Don’t look back; look forward! Whatever your starting point is, keep your eyes on your goal, and keep putting one foot in front of the other to make sure we’re moving forward on this journey. Regardless of how you feel about yourself as a spouse, parent, grandparent, teacher, student, therapist, friend, sibling, etc., I hope you’ll challenge yourself and those around you to be the best you can be, striving in 2012 to go farther, climb higher, work harder, and do better! Happy New Year! Laurel Falvo, CFLE Certified Family Life Educator |
Social IncitesSocial Incites™ are insights which incite (encourage) personal and interpersonal growth. Social Incites™ are written by Laurel Hoekman, Certified Family Life Educator, Certified Employment Training Specialist, Social Coach, Consultant, and Registered Social Service Technician (Michigan). For 15 years, Laurel was the Executive Director of The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding, and has also been a CASA volunteer (Court Appointed Special Advocate for children who are abused and neglected). She is passionate about helping individuals and families (including those affected by autism spectrum disorders) identify and achieve their goals, particularly in building and maintaining effective social connections. Archives
April 2023
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