I use many devices which require electricity. These include lamps, a vacuum, hair dryer, toaster, refrigerator, stove, computer, radio, and fans. None of these devices do me any good when they’re not plugged in! Even my cell phone needs to be plugged in to electricity to get recharged.

“Social connections” work much the same way. We can share space with other people without really getting “plugged in.” For a social interaction to work, two or more people need to be “plugged in!”

There are many choices people make to “plug in” to form valuable connections with others. Here are just a few:

-       Joining activities with others, whether eating at the same table, playing on the same playground equipment, participating on a team or in a book club, working on a staff (whether volunteer or paid), providing services, etc.

-       Smiling! This shows interest in others, but also helps a person to be viewed as “approachable,” which makes effective connections more likely.

-       Being aware of physical space, moving closer to a person or group to indicate interest and to facilitate effective connections.

-       Using eye contact to establish a connection, show interest, and to monitor and respond to what the other person or people are thinking, feeling, or doing.

-       Asking questions, which shows interest in others, but also gives them a chance to participate in the interaction.

-       Answering questions, which also shows interest in others, and gives a person an opportunity to provide additional input to the interaction.

So what’s the value in connecting with other people? My “tree analogy” indicates that every person needs to be growing personally and interpersonally throughout their lifetime. The four components of that are “nourishing, growing, connecting, and contributing.” None of those can be accomplished without the skills and opportunities to make effective connections with others. Those connections help us to get our needs met, learn and grow, and share our gifts (time, knowledge and information, friendship, money, etc.) with others!

Best wishes as you continue to “get plugged in” and to benefit from (and help others benefit from) your effective social connections!

This week’s “Social Incites™” is being sent later than usual. I got called out of town unexpectedly this weekend to help a friend, and did not have access to the Internet. For the last few weeks, I had been thinking of the importance of being “flexible” and “resourceful,” or “making do” with what we have. My friend and I laughed over the things we encountered this weekend that made those traits more necessary and valuable than ever. My friend prepared my breakfast, which included a “flower” on my tray. Lacking floral arrangements, she had filled a small container with baking “flour” and sprinkled it with red paprika. When I got ready to teach my class this morning, I discovered that I hadn’t packed a hair dryer. After turning down my friend’s offer to drive around the neighborhood with my head out the window, I “made do” with a fan blowing on my head for awhile. It produced a different hairdo, but it worked.
 
Working with individuals with autism, I often find that I have to “make do” in my teaching and my coaching. They bring unexpected, unique questions and situations that need to be addressed. Often I have to implement strategies I’ve never tried before, or have never thought of before. It’s crucial to be flexible and resourceful. I tell people that my classes are not “curriculum-driven,” but instead, they’re “driven by the individuals who make up the class.”  We encounter unexpected situations during almost every session, but are able to successfully address them through flexibility and resourcefulness, learning to laugh at ourselves along the way.
 
Sometimes we can control our setting and the outcomes. Other times we need to “make do,” with staffing, financial resources, materials, and other things. Being flexible and resourceful can improve the outcomes for both us, and for the people we’re working with!
 
Best wishes for successful outcomes as you “make do” this week! 

There's an old saying, "No one is perfect... that's why pencils have erasers." Some of us find comfort in this thought. It takes the pressure off, and allows us to simply do our best, and to be okay with the results.

Others find that thought discomforting. They have difficulty accepting that they are less than perfect. They wear down the erasers on their pencils, or rub right through the paper when erasing, in their attempts to complete an assignment without any flaws. Individuals with “Type A” personalities, those who were the firstborn in their families, and occasionally those with autism spectrum disorders (ASD) are among those who sometimes struggle with the difficulties associated with perfectionism. Wilt Chamberlain pointed out one discrepancy between the messages adults send about being perfect: “They say that nobody is perfect. Then they tell you practice makes perfect. I wish they’d make up their minds.”

While it’s important to teach others how to handle a tendency toward perfectionism, the above quote also indicates the importance of evaluating our response to others. Do we find ways to encourage them? Do we point out where they excel, and not just the areas where they could use some improvement? Are we expecting them to be perfect, even while we know they will not achieve perfection? “When nobody around you seems to measure up, it's time to check your yardstick.” (Bill Lemley)

One of the resources sold at The Gray Center is the book, “What to do When Good Enough Isn’t Good Enough,” by Thomas Greenspon. The publisher’s description of the book reads as follows:

“Perfectionism may seem like a worthy goal, but it’s actually a burden. When you believe you must be perfect, you live in constant fear of making mistakes. Most children don’t know what perfectionism is, yet many suffer from it. Nothing they do is ever good enough. School assignments are hard to start or hand in. Relationships are challenging, and self-esteem is low. Written to and for ages 9–13, this book helps kids understand how perfectionism hurts them and how to free themselves. Includes true-to-life vignettes, exercises, and a note to grown-ups.”

If you think this book may be helpful for someone in your life, you can find it at www.thegraycenter.org. While there, you may want to check out some of our other titles:

-       Girls Growing Up on the Autism Spectrum,

-       Making Sense of Children's Thinking and Behavior,

-       Social Skills for Teenagers and Adults with Asperger Syndrome,

-       Sometimes My Brother: Helping Kids Understand Autism Through a Sibling's Eyes,

-       Understanding Asperger's Syndrome: FAST FACTS (A Guide for Teachers and Educators),

-       Understanding Death and Illness and What They Teach About Life,

-       Understanding Regulation Disorders of Sensory Processing in Children,

-       Writing Measurable IEP Goals and Objectives

Best wishes as you continue to do your best, while also accepting that your efforts will not lead to perfection. “Once you accept the fact that you're not perfect, then you develop some confidence.” (Rosalynn Carter)

Have you ever tried to stand books on a bookshelf without using bookends? Chances are you haven’t been very successful at it, especially if other people are around to bump the volumes or otherwise disturb them. You’re likely to experience greater, lasting success by using bookends to support the books and keep them from slipping on the shelf or falling to the floor.

There’s an area of life where we tend to operate without figurative bookends. When we evaluate other people’s behaviors, we often view them as stand-alone, isolated events or situations. We desperately try to change the behavior, almost like we might try to stand a book up by itself, even though we know from experience that we’re not likely to be very successful in this endeavor.

Behaviors are the “B” in the ABC’s of relationships. The necessary “bookends” are “Antecedents” and “Consequences.” When evaluating behaviors, we need to first look at the antecedents—the causes, or the environment or situation that is present when the behaviors occur. Often some detective work (particularly evaluating when, where, and how often the behavior occurs, in what social context, and following or accompanying which triggers) enables us to understand why a behavior is occurring, and perhaps how it can be avoided. We also need to evaluate the consequences that a person is experiencing along with the behavior. If there are no negative consequences, it may not be surprising to find that the behavior continues. If the consequence is that the person receives much-needed attention, whether the attention is positive or negative, the person may continue the behavior as the attention unwittingly reinforces it. In my own parenting, I’ve discovered that often the most effective consequences are “natural” consequences; those which are closely tied with the behavior. I’ll write more about natural consequences in the future.

My educational tool “The Social Response Pyramid” reminds us that responses (behaviors) are usually coming from somewhere. They’re typically not completely random (and may not be intentional), but are often linked to a person’s current needs, understanding, feelings, etc. (or their “context”) and the strategies that they have available to them or are aware of at the moment. I call this, “Behavior as Communication.” The Pyramid helps us to evaluate the responses we’re seeing and hearing from others, in order to better identify what they might be missing (the “gaps”) and how to help them. (My Pyramid resources and DVD workshop, “Bridging the Gap” are all available through The Gray Center).

Other notable resources (all available at www.thegraycenter.org) include:

- Social Stories™ and Storymovies™

- Achieving Best Behavior

- Asperger Syndrome and Difficult Moments

- Making Sense of Children’s Thinking and Behavior

- No More Meltdowns

- Simple Strategies that Work

- Social Behavior Mapping

- Think Social!

- You Are a Social Detective

Best wishes to all the “detectives” reading this, who continue to evaluate and learn from others’ responses in order to equip them with strategies for being successful!