I once saw a sign which read, “Change is inevitable…growth is optional.”  We all encounter change on almost a daily basis, whether it’s routine, minute change, or major, life-altering change. We know that people with autism spectrum disorders (ASD) tend to have difficulty dealing with change. However, all people respond differently to change. How one person responds to change will usually depend in part on personality, coping style, other factors the person is dealing with concurrently, past experiences and exposure to change, how the change presents itself, and even a person’s age.

The research I’ve done indicates that responses to change tend to be the same as the responses typically associated with grief. Research varies when describing the different ways of responding to grief or change. But most indicate something similar to the following:

Denial: Refusing to accept the change or the need for change

Anger: Often people will look for someone to blame, and may respond by lashing out at other people—particularly those they choose to blame for the situation, but also others who may be close-by

Bargaining: Trying to find a way around the change, or trying to substitute other options for the proposed change

Depression: Sometimes people are so overwhelmed by change that it drags them down emotionally, and they find it difficult to function even in other areas

Acceptance: Accepting the change, and possibly even feeling empowered by it or enthusiastic about it

Many people believe that the most important aspect of change is how we respond to it.  In fact, change can prompt us to grow…if we let it.

“If you don't like something, change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it” (Mary Engelbreit). In other words, there are some changes we can initiate in order to promote progress. When changes are unexpected or unwelcome, we can try to have a positive attitude about them. In fact, we can “Resolve to be a master of change rather than a victim of change” (Brian Tracy) We may not be able to control the situations which force us to think differently about the way we do things, or to respond differently, or those which completely change our circumstances, but we can continue to stay involved in the process in order to help ensure that good can come from it.

Sometimes change can promote emotional growth. When a relationship changes, we learn something about ourselves and may possibly gain skills for maintaining healthy relationships. Other times change can promote financial growth. Many of us are being forced to change our spending habits because of dwindling savings accounts or lost income. With time, we may find that we do a better job of saving, and identify fewer things we “need” to spend money on. Change can also promote professional or intellectual growth. Many of us continue to learn new computer skills as our world depends more on electronic communication, banking, and other services. We may be forced to learn other new skills because of a job change or to help our children adapt to change in classroom instructional techniques. If we can maintain a positive attitude about change, and work to avoid denying, resisting, lashing out at, or being overwhelmed by change, we may find that it helps to bring about many new opportunities for growth!

I’ll close with one final quote on change. Okakura Lakuzo once said, “The art of life lies in a constant readjustment to our surroundings.”

Best wishes to all of you as you face new changes this week. Remember that change can promote progress and growth in our lives and in the lives of those with whom we live and work!

What is grief? Dictionary.com defines it as, “keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret.” More than likely, most of us have experienced grief at some point in our lives—some more than others. Often, we associate grief with the loss of a loved one. Yet we can also experience grief over the loss of an opportunity, abilities, health, a sense of security, a routine, an object, a friendship, or a dream. And we grieve over insensitive, hurtful, and cruel things done or said to us or our loved ones.

I have been thinking about loss a lot lately, not because I’m currently experiencing it myself, but because so many people around me are. In the last two weeks, one of our students lost her mother very suddenly. Her dad is struggling to parent two daughters while stepping through the social, financial, spiritual, physical, and practical implications of losing his wife, who was my age. At the same time, a local family lost their one month old baby after a one week battle with severe seizures, and a longtime volunteer at the thrift store where we often work passed away very unexpectedly. My daughter’s teenage classmate suffered a severe concussion on the ski slopes, and while everyone is thankful that his life was spared, he is struggling to regain the level of functioning that he had prior to the accident. Another family has just passed the milestone of one year since their fifteen-year-old daughter died from cancer, while yet another is remembering the death of a dad, husband, and grandpa who passed away a year ago after being in a coma-like state for many months following an accident. Still another young family spends their days tending and loving their 2-year-old son, who has outlived all of the predictions for his life expectancy, yet he is seemingly unaware of their sacrifices or even their presence as they lovingly care for his every need. For each of these people, life as they know it is a roller coaster of loving, remembering, hoping, fearing, and dreaming, as each grieves what they have lost.

Loss is a significant part of life; predictable, in that we know we will face it at one time or another, yet unpredictable in that we typically don’t know when it’s coming. Loss causes grief for everyone it touches, yet everyone grieves in his or her own way. (I’ll write more about that next week).

I have been profoundly touched by grieving people who demonstrate that they “do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who do not have hope.” (I Thessalonians 4:13). They have shared beautiful testimonies of hope of being reunited with loved ones, thankfulness for the gifts they enjoy, joy in the precious memories (old and new), and peace in the faithful provision of their Heavenly Father. 

Many of you reading this are experiencing grief, either fresh or somewhat healed over time. Whether you are grieving, are helping someone who is grieving, or are learning and growing in preparation for a future grief journey, I hope you will be comforted to know that you are not alone. Remember, “Grief is not a disorder, a disease, or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical, and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve.” (Earl Grollman)

It is incredibly affirming when I experience moments of feeling “good enough” as a friend, wife, mom, neighbor, coach, or author. I am thankful for kind comments people make, or evidences I am able to see of the positive impact made by my words or actions, or through the gifts of my time, talents, effort, or financial resources. I hope each one of you also experiences those fulfilling moments or experiences on a regular basis.

Yet all too often, I am faced with the feeling that I am not “enough.” When my mother-in-law moved in with us over Thanksgiving, I thought that my love for her and for my husband and children would be enough to create a happy home environment for all of us. I hoped that my abilities to organize, plan, prioritize, make connections, multi-task, and follow through would efficiently manage schedules and responsibilities for seven people. I prayed that my desire to “be Christlike” through sacrificial, forgiving love would supersede anger, frustration, and resentment when rules were not followed, respect was not given, thankfulness was not expressed, and when meal after meal that I prepared was thrown in the trash in front of me and my family.

I came face to face with the reality that all of it (which I translated as “I”) was not “enough” about the time we found a beautiful (fully-furnished) house nearby for my mother-in-law, and were able to bring her husband here from Pennsylvania. Two weeks ago we finished getting them settled after Steve drove them to Pennsylvania to load a trailer of the final items they wished to move to Michigan.

You may not have tried to live with your mother-in-law. Or you may have done so more successfully than I did! Yet I’m guessing you can identify on some level with not being “enough” in some aspect of your life. Here are some examples:

-       Many parents feel their parenting wasn’t “enough” to keep their children from creating behavioral issues at school or in the community, or to keep them out of trouble with the legal system.

-       Many adults struggle, knowing their best efforts weren’t “enough” to keep from losing their home, their business, their friends, or their marriage.

-       Many children believe they were not “enough” to keep their parents’ marriage from disintegrating, as they blame themselves for their parents’ divorce.

-       Many males and females believe they could have stopped the abuse that was directed at them if only their efforts to look good, do or say the right things, or make the other person happy had been “enough.”

-       Friends may think they could have saved a friendship if only they had “enough” time, patience, money, or insight.

-       Students may realize their academic efforts were not “enough” to pass a given grade, to qualify for a necessary scholarship, or to gain admittance into the program of their choice. Or the choices they made were not “enough” to keep them enrolled in school, resulting instead in suspension or expulsion or quitting before reaching the desired goal.

-       Many people of all ages and abilities believe their efforts at interacting with others are not “enough” to gain friends, employment opportunities, or other chances at success.

-       A person might feel he or she did not pray enough, pursue enough medical treatments, or practice enough preventive health measures to avoid a devastating illness or death of a loved one.

Did you see yourself somewhere in that list? Or do you have other examples? The reality is that sometimes we do not expend enough effort to achieve our goals. Hopefully those times become learning experiences, giving us the motivation to do more or better next time. Yet other times our efforts should have been “enough,” but other people and circumstances made it impossible to achieve our goals.

I find comfort in the knowledge that each day brings new opportunities to love, give, forgive, to expend effort, etc….and there is comfort in knowing that often when things do not work out the way I thought they would, it isn’t that I wasn’t “enough,” but simply it “wasn’t meant to be.” My mother-in-law wasn’t meant to live with us long-term. Instead, she is happily settled in her own home, and her husband is able to be cared for there, and has some activities that help him feel relevant and needed.

This week, I’m wishing all of you renewed inspiration, motivation, and strength for the times when you need to work harder or persist longer at something. I’m also wishing you comfort, peace, and the ability to “let go” when something “isn’t meant to be.” Be gentle with yourself…typically, with the right kind of help, you are “enough” for whatever you are called to do!

Are you familiar with a “boomerang?” Dictionary.com defines it as, “a bent or curved piece of tough wood used by the Australian Aborigines as a throwing club, one form of which can be thrown as to return to the thrower.”

Most people have heard the saying, “It’s more blessed to give than to receive,” (Acts 20:35), and we’re generally taught to give with pure motives, not expecting anything in return. However, there is one type of gift that I believe can often function as a “boomerang.” When you give it away, it often comes right back to you…

In my book, ASD to Z: Basic Information, Support, and Hope for People Living with Autism Spectrum Disorders, (a 50-page booklet newly revised and expanded in 2014) I have included information and insight for each letter of the alphabet. For the letter “F” I’ve written, “What is Friendship?” It’s a look at “friendly choices” people can make to give the gift of friendship to others (along with suggestions for combating bullying). In my work as a coach, parents often say to me, “My child doesn’t have any friends!” My response is usually to help them work with their child to emphasize “being a friend,” which often yields the return of friendly gestures from others.

How have you or others extended the gift of friendship recently? I have been overwhelmed in the last several weeks by gifts others have given to me. Here are a few examples:

-       Suzanne, a Social Incites™ reader from Charlotte, Tennessee, had her church’s quilt ministry create a beautiful prayer quilt for me. A few weeks ago the church members tied knots in the quilt and specifically prayed the prayer I had requested, that I “would be more Christlike each day, surrendering myself to Him that I might be used to encourage and lead others to Him.” A fringe benefit that morning was that the extreme stomach pain I was experiencing disappeared and has not returned! Thank you, Suzanne and the members of Mt. Liberty Cumberland Presbyterian Church, and a special thank you to our Heavenly Father who used these long-distance friends to bless me!

-       Last week my husband moved his parents’ furniture and other belongings from Pennsylvania to Michigan. When it came time to unload the trailer, my in-laws’ new neighbor, Peter, had shoveled the driveway to make room, and 18 church friends (including four teens and three children) showed up to unload the trailer. Many hands made light work…we were done in under an hour, just in time to enjoy dinner together!

-       In the middle of a snowstorm just over a week ago, a snowplow unexpectedly drove into our driveway and cleared all the snow away…two nights in a row! We discovered the driver had been our friend, a local doctor, who was subbing for someone who plows snow for a living. Dr. Vance was “practicing” on our driveway, and because of the gift of his time and service, my kids and I didn’t have to go out and shovel late at night (in the dark and sub-zero temperatures) while my husband was out of town helping his parents!

-       A new friend from Bible Study gave me a book by Beth Moore, Praying God’s Word. Even though Rachel was vacationing in Florida, she had the book mailed to me to encourage me and help me grow!

-       Nicole pulled me aside after Bible Study a few weeks ago, and said, “I’d like you to have this!” She handed me the necklace she had been wearing around her neck, which contains a pretty pendant along with a tiny mustard seed, with the inscription “Matthew 17:20.”

-       A. Ryskamp reviewed my ASD to Z book online…I appreciate people taking the time to let others know when my resources are helpful!

-       Many of you took the time to write to me this week. Your emails are always a gift of friendship! I love to hear about your insights, encouragement, celebrations, struggles, questions, and dreams. Remember you’re always welcome to post comments on Facebook or below, also!

Like a boomerang, these gifts inspire me to give back. Sometimes I’m able to return friendly gestures directly to the original giver. Other times I pass one on to someone else.

I’m guessing most of you can also list “friendly gifts” which have been given to you, whether they were material possessions, or the gift of someone’s time, encouragement, practical assistance, or prayer. The question is, will you “boomerang” their gift by sending it back to them or someone else? If you are having difficulty listing gifts you’ve been given, maybe it’s time to consider how you can reach out to others to assist, encourage, or bless them.

The gift of friendship is a great way to make the world a better place, for others, and for ourselves!

Two weeks ago we tackled forgetfulness with the reminder to be gentle with ourselves, and looked at a few strategies for improving our memories. Last week we looked at forgiveness, and the need to release ourselves or others from the burden of hurt or desire for revenge, whether the pain was caused by someone else or by something we had done.

Yet it is human nature to experience times of bitterness, whether our negative emotion is directed inward or outward. Forgiving someone or something does not magically remove the hurt. Trying to forget something we’d rather not remember does not happen overnight.

The experience of reading dictionary definitions of “bitter” –at least for me—produces the same effect as sucking on a sour lemon. Regarding a “bitter taste” dictionaries use words like, “Harsh, or disagreeably acrid.” Regarding emotions or sensations that are bitter, descriptions include, “painful, scornful, fierce, distressful, piercing, intense antagonism, hostility, resentful, cynical.”

Have you been there? Are you there now? The bitterness we carry can literally eat away at us like acid, destroying joy, hope, trust, and even relationships with others, as well as life opportunities like jobs, living situations, educational degrees, etc.

What is the source of bitterness? There may be many theories…perhaps you have some of your own ideas. Personally, I think the root of bitterness lies in unmet expectations that we have for ourselves or others. Since each of us has our own “CONTEXT,” or starting point, with unique experiences, personalities, emotions, knowledge, fears, and dreams, our expectations are likely to be different from those of the people around us. And since most expectations are simply assumed or projected onto others without being verbally identified, it is not surprising that every day some expectations, big and small, will go unmet.

Not everything will go as we expect. People will let us down. Accidents will happen. We are not perfect, our circumstances will not be perfect, and the people with whom we live, work, and play will not be perfect. We have a choice. Will we allow these to make us bitter? Or will we choose to let them make us better?

In choosing to be “better” and not “bitter,” we can extend grace, forgiveness, and a “new way of remembering” to ourselves and to the people and circumstances that fail to meet our expectations. We can learn from our mistakes. We can be thankful for the events and people who shape us, correct us, and help us grow, whether or not we would have chosen them. Choosing to allow people and circumstances to make us better rather than bitter is not a one-time event. Instead, it often takes daily choices, remembered and reinforced time and time again.

Savor this for a moment…Dictionary definitions of “better” use words such as, “superior quality, more virtuous, larger, greater, improved, completely recovered in health, more appropriate, acceptable, surpass, and exceed.” It strikes me that “better” is a way of exceeding expectations…even when things don’t turn out as planned.

What is the difference between “bitter” and “better?” I think it might be all about taking the “I” out of bitter, and replacing it with the “e” for “eye…” choosing to see or remember things in a different way, forgiving myself, realizing it may not be all about me, or removing myself from the center of the equation, whether to protect myself from future hurt, or to keep from being a part of the on-going problem.

Which do you choose? Bitter…or better?

Last week I wrote about forgetfulness. Hopefully that article was reassuring to those of you who, like me, find memory lapses to be an increasingly common component in our daily lives. The topic of today's article is another which, on the surface, may make us uncomfortable, but which I hope will bring you additional hope and reassurance.

We have a tendency to view forgiveness as something which should be earned. Taking that perspective, we await an apology or resolution from those who have wronged us in some way. Unfortunately, all too often their perceived offenses were unintentional, and so they do not realize that they need to be forgiven. Or their transgressions were intentional, and they have no desire to "clear the slate" by offering an expression of remorse. Either way, we are left carrying the burden of our hurt feelings, replaying the mental soundtrack or videotape of insensitive or scathing words or actions, and harboring resentment toward those who have offended us. Waiting for another person to restore the relationship can bring us hours, days, or even years of hurt and resentment, along with ailing health, both physical and emotional.

Many people have discovered that there is a better way! Forgiveness doesn’t need to be something for which you wait endlessly. Instead, it can be a choice; a gift that you give to yourself as a means of setting down your burden of pain and moving on with your life. Catherine Ponder has written, "When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” Similarly, Lewis B. Smedes has written, "To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” Initially, or perhaps ultimately, forgiveness isn't something you do for another person; it's something you do for yourself. It's choosing to let go of your right to hold onto the pain caused by someone's words or actions (or to exact revenge), and deliberately moving on. It's choosing to not dwell on the offense; to refrain from re-playing a painful virtual video or audio cassette.

Forgiveness is not a decision to completely forget what happened. It is not the same as forgetting where we put our car keys or the name of our new colleague, although that idea is perpetuated in the common and sometimes flippant advice of "forgive and forget." Lewis B. Smedes further explains forgiveness in this way, "When we forgive evil we do not excuse it, we do not tolerate it, we do not smother it. We look the evil full in the face, call it what it is, let its horror shock and stun and enrage us, and only then do we forgive it…Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.” Paul Boese described it this way, "Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.”

We can learn from the wrong that is done to us, whether intentionally or unintentionally, by other people. And then we can choose to move on. This sort of "deliberate forgetfulness" serves us well. In fact, research has shown many positive effects on our physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being when we choose the path of forgiveness. You can choose to be positively changed by the experience, even if the other person never changes or apologizes.

And if we are tempted to think that forgiveness is for the faint of heart, we can consider what Mahatma Gandhi once said, "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”

As I mentioned last week, I forget some things all too easily. However, I am learning to "forget" others more deliberately--for my own good, as well as those around me. And we'd all do well to remember that sometimes we ourselves are the ones in need of forgiveness for the hurts that we cause others! I suppose that's one of the most important "social incites!"

As I count the days (okay, years) beyond age 40, I am finding that with increased maturity, experience, and hopefully wisdom, has come one other noticeable side effect of getting older: increasing forgetfulness! More often I find myself forgetting a name or a thought, finding myself frustrated with the feeling that it's "on the tip of my tongue," although I'm unable to retrieve it. I lose small items, and need to think more deliberately (and keep an eye on my calendar) to know what's on my schedule for the rest of the day, as well as the week ahead.

I know that many of the thousands of people reading this email can identify with my frustration, especially if you are nearing the "Big 4-0" or like me, have already passed that milestone. Many of us have become conditioned to expect forgetfulness as we get older.

I’ve read, though, that rather than attributing our forgetfulness immediately to old age, or even fearing the onset of Alzheimer's or some other neurological degeneration, we should look at our lifestyle and realize the role that it plays in our ability (or inability) to remember things. It's true that as we age, we begin to lose brain cells. However, our brains are also required to compile information which increases exponentially as we get older. Dates, phone numbers, schedules, memories, statistics, work-related jargon and responsibilities, and the need to juggle personal and work lives in a busy, fast-paced culture can clog even the most efficient brains, much like rush-hour traffic ties up highways around major cities. As a working mom to four children of various ages, I know that the demands of everyday life are likely utilizing maximum available brain cells at this point in my life!

There are strategies we can employ in order to aid our working memory. Following are just a few; if you'd like to add to the list, you can do so at www.socialincites.com or on our Facebook page (or feel free to email them to me!)

1. Slow down. Take time to think about what you're doing, to make note of important details (either mentally or by writing them down), and simplify your schedule where possible. This is the single most important step for me if I want to be successful in finding my vehicle when I exit the grocery store (the panic button on the key fob works well, too, but is a dead give-away to the fact that I don’t remember where I parked)!

2. Take time to organize. While it may seem as though you don't have time to add extra steps to the process, you may actually end up saving time by organizing your drawers, cupboards, and computer bag so that everything has its place. Then take an extra minute to ensure that items are put where they belong so that you can find them next time you need them.

3. Take time to meet your other needs. Your brain, just like the rest of your body, will function better when you're getting enough sleep and exercise, eating healthy foods, nurturing friendships, and occasionally spending time with a hobby or a good book.

4. Establish connections. Have you just met someone new? Associate his or her name with someone else you know, or with a familiar object that will help you remember the name in the future. Use mnemonic devices to remember words, dates, or details. Organize your mental (or written) shopping list according to the sections in the store. Or develop a catchy tune to go with the information you need to remember.

Sometimes I find myself envious of children, whose memories (and lives) are not cluttered with as many experiences and responsibilities as mine, and therefore seem to recall information with lightning speed. I am also aware that individuals with autism spectrum disorders (ASD) have an advantage over me with their usually superior ability to memorize facts and remember details. But while I appreciate and admire their gifts, I am learning to accept my own limitations, and to find ways to help myself adapt as needed. Next week, I'll write about the things that we would do well to forget, as I explore the important topic of forgiveness.

Best wishes as you continue to promote social insight and understanding, regardless of the efficiency of your memory!

As I write this, West Michigan is blanketed with a thick coating of white snow. Throughout the past week (and for the last few months), we’ve often witnessed the beauty of fat, fluffy flakes drifting through the air, sometimes wandering lazily to the ground not unlike a decorative snow globe, and other times ferociously driven with the intensity of a strong wind.

I marvel at the knowledge that every single snowflake on the ground or in the air, including those piled in 12-foot-high snow drifts in parking lots all around the world, is different from every other snowflake that was ever created or will ever be created. Does that fill you with awe, too? (If you live in an area where you have never been blessed with an opportunity to shovel snow, be aware that the same reality is true of every grain of sand). That realization drove a man, Wilson Bentley, over a century ago, to devote his life to capturing photographs of the intricate crystals that comprise each snowflake. I admire his persistence, passion, and desire to share with the world the insights he was capturing on film. (Be sure to check out his exquisite photographs, and keep reading for an opportunity to WIN the children’s book based on “Snowflake Bentley’s” life).

Each photograph we capture of ourselves, our loved ones, and other people around us is a reminder that every person on this planet—currently, in the past, and in the future—is also totally unique from everyone else. Of course, you already knew that. But what has often struck me is that every single social interaction we will ever have will be different from all the others we have had. It’s as though every time we interact with another person, whether only briefly, or for a longer period of time, we are creating another unique “social snowflake.”

For some of you, that may spark curiosity and awe for studying and/or enjoying the ins and outs of social interactions. Yet imagine the confusion and frustration the complexity of “social” causes for individuals with difficulties in the area of “social intelligence,” including those with autism spectrum disorders. How do you prepare for social success when every single interaction you will ever have—with loved ones or with strangers—will be different from every other one? “Social rules,” whether written or unwritten, spoken or implied, cannot adequately prepare anyone for navigating opportunities (casual or formal, planned or unplanned), to interact with another person, whether verbally or nonverbally.

Although they clearly have challenges when faced with “social snowflakes,” many people with autism spectrum disorders share something in common with Snowflake Bentley: their passion and devotion to a single pursuit. Our world has benefited greatly from their insights into areas related to science, finances, transportation, electronics, literature, entertainment…and even “social.” We have much to benefit from their desire to learn and to share those things with us!

I’m wishing you an enjoyable week of discoveries and insights through “social snowflakes!”

I first became the mother of an adolescent over seven years ago when my oldest son turned 13. I was surprised to find—even though I knew a lot about the changes that take place in adolescence—that many things changed very drastically as my son entered that stage of life! Suddenly it seemed that everything I knew about him (his preferences, his way of interacting with other people—and with me—etc.) had changed seemingly overnight. This was accompanied by a wide variety of physical changes, one of which left me literally looking up to him each time we interacted. In the past seven years, I had another son turn 13, and next weekend, my daughter will also achieve that milestone.

Obviously, adolescence isn’t something that happens on a birthday, but which arrives gradually, generally over the span of a few years. What are some of the characteristics of the early adolescent years? Many are also common during puberty and adolescence, but they’re being documented as early as age 10.

1. Physical changes. Growth spurts are a common occurrence during this time. Preteens and adolescents may require more sleep, crave more activity, and eat more to supply their body’s need for fuel. They are also learning to adjust to internal and external changes associated with puberty.
2. Emotional changes. I’ve heard preteens and adolescents referred to as having a “collage of emotions.” Mood swings are common, as hormones surge and change, and can be as difficult for the individual to understand or tolerate as it is for those living and working with him or her! This age group may be critical of themselves and others, and may intentionally or inadvertently alienate those around them, as well as possibly suffering from the effects of low self-esteem. Those living and working with them will benefit from an abundant supply of patience, flexibility, and understanding.
3. Social changes. As preteens and adolescents become more aware of peer pressure, they may experiment with a variety of things in order to feel accepted. It’s important that they receive assistance in surrounding themselves with positive friendships and adult guidance and support, even as they are moving toward a desire for greater independence.
4. Intellectual changes. Their ability to think abstractly is increasing, and they begin to notice more about the world around them and question the way it works. Instructional activities and expectations become increasingly demanding, and generally preteens and adolescents are changing in a way that enables them to handle greater workloads and the skills associated with them. Parents and professionals need to remember that an increase in height won’t necessarily correlate with an increase in social or intellectual ability.

No two adolescents are just alike. No book or web site on adolescence, or exposure to past adolescents, will fully prepare us for a particular individual as he or she navigates this stage. Hopefully, we have at least vague memories of our own possibly awkward venture with this period of life, enabling us to be more compassionate and understanding as we walk alongside them, guiding, instructing, and supporting as they move toward adulthood.

The presence of a diagnosis such as an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) can complicate the period of adolescence. We may need to be more intentional in describing the changes to an individual and helping him or her to see that rather than being a frightening or isolating time, these changes are common to most adolescents. We may need to go back to strategies (educational, social, sensory, etc.) that worked in the past but had perhaps been abandoned for a while.

The good news is that you are not alone! Whether you are living or working with a preteen or adolescent, or you are a few years behind, looking toward this stage looming in the not-too-distant future, there is much you can do to enhance your own success and that of the individuals with whom you are interacting.

We can have a more positive attitude about the difficulties associated with adolescence if we remind ourselves of the benefits associated with this period of life. Often, we are able to see glimpses of the adults they are becoming, as we watch them develop new interests and skills, have more “adult conversations” with them, and observe them responding more effectively and compassionately to the needs and interests of others. There are aspects of my own adolescents’ current levels of understanding, interacting, responding, and reflecting that I find very delightful. I certainly continue to learn from them each and every day, and recognize the fact that this stage of my children’s lives, like the ones preceding it, will likely pass all too quickly!

Best wishes to all of you who live and work with current or future adolescents. If you have tips, suggestions, or reminiscences you’d like to share, please post those on our blog at www.socialincites.com or on Facebook, or feel free to email us.  We love to hear from you!

If you’ve been reading Social Incites™ for a while, you likely know that I talk about three important types of coaching which we all need to be able to give and to receive. Self-coaching is the ability to coach ourselves to set and achieve goals. Peer coaching uses “peers” (friends, siblings, co-workers, classmates, neighbors, etc.) to help each other set and achieve goals. Lead coaching is when one person is “in charge.” They are the authority figures, or elevated in status somehow. They may be paid to coach, or they may be in charge because they are older, more experienced, have more training, or have a higher level of responsibility. Their role is also to help people set and achieve goals.

The bottom line is generally that we need what the lead coach has to offer. Whether the coach is helping us with athletics, finances, employment, or social success, they are generally there to help us succeed. Often, however, we resent their presence. We prefer to do things on our own, or we don’t like being told what to do or how to do it.

My husband and I moved to a new community several years ago. In anticipation of that move, we enlisted the help of a realtor to sell our home. In six months with that realtor, our house did not sell. As the new school year quickly approached, we were feeling more desperate to sell our house, so we enlisted the help of another realtor. That one conveyed the importance of a “lead coach” very concisely. He said, “If you want to list your home, you can do that without my assistance. If you want to sell your home, you’ll need to do the things I tell you to do.” We promptly followed his suggestions for repainting rooms in the home (neutral colors instead of the colors we had), de-cluttering (including moving furniture and other belongings temporarily into storage), and stopping our practice of hosting open houses. Our home sold within a month, and we were able to move soon after school started.

As a social/employment coach, I often encounter students or clients who say they want my help, but are unwilling to do things differently than the way they’ve always done them. It’s human nature, but often when faced with choosing whether we really want or are ready to accept the help of any “lead coach” we have to consider:

-       Do I want to keep failing classes, or do I want to raise my grade point average?

-       Do I want to keep looking for work, or do I want to be employed?

-       Do I want to keep trying to make friends, or do I want to be a friend?

-       Do I want to keep struggling with difficult behaviors at home, or do I want to have children who are respectful and helpful around the house?

-       Do I want to be a mediocre athlete/student, or do I want to make the most of my potential so that I will have other opportunities down the road?

Admitting that we need help is the first step to benefiting from the assistance of a lead coach. But we also have to trust their training, intuition, experience, etc., and allow ourselves to follow their instructions to hopefully achieve a better outcome than we could have managed on our own. My husband and I decided we didn’t want to list our house, we wanted to sell it. And following the advice of the wise realtor made all the difference.

What “lead coach” could make a difference in your life, if you would let him or her? What assistance can you provide another person as a “lead coach?”

Best wishes as you engage in all three types of coaching this week, but especially as you consider the unique challenges—and benefits—of responding to lead coaching!