As gift lists are compiled this season, what is on your list? If you’re like me, you may already have all the possessions you really need. However, I’m realizing there are many things I desperately need, that don’t make it on my list often enough. Can you relate with any of these that seem overly depleted at times in my life?
§ Love § Joy § Peace § Patience § Kindness § Goodness § Faithfulness § Gentleness § Self-control This time of year, we hear the words, “Joy to the World” and “Peace on Earth,” but do we really crave those things? Do we know where to get them? Often the holidays can greatly tax our reserves of many of these attributes. But we are not without hope! The storehouse of these blessings is always open, and always ready to give abundantly to those who ask. 22 But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, and self-control. (Galatians 5:22-23, New Living Translation) What’s on your wish list? If you are craving one or more of the above gifts this year, be assured of this: So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him. (Matthew 7:11) You’ll be glad you asked, as you overflow with His generous blessings! Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. (Ephesians 3:20)
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This is the time of year when most people are focused on giving gifts. We shop with lists of gift ideas and people who are special to us. We keep track of sizes, styles, and preferences, and choose items based on the likelihood that each will be pleasing to its recipient.
Most dictionaries stress that generosity is related to giving. Some are specific enough to name “money and other valuable goods,” while others indicate that we can be generous even with our time and talents. Often mentioned is that generosity is, “The quality of being willing to share.” It may be tempting, especially this time of year, to equate generosity with expensive gifts. We may feel more generous when we are able to associate a quantity (in number of items or amount of money spent) with what we are giving. Or we recognize that we have been the recipients of generous giving when we know that the gift was costly. I was struck recently by two Biblical accounts of generosity. The first, in Mark 12:41-44, reminds us that our generosity is not measured by the size of the gift, but by how it relates to what we have been given. Basically, it redefines generous giving. The second, in 2 Corinthians 8, teaches that generous giving acknowledges that all that we have comes from God and belongs to Him, and that we are given much in order to give much as we give generously to provide for others who are in need. This holiday season, I hope you’ll join me in recognizing that being generous does not simply relate to how many gifts will be under the tree and how much money was spent to acquire them. It isn’t about acquiring one more toy or video game, one more television or appliance, or one more pair of blue jeans or underwear (do people still give that?) Instead, I hope, starting today with “Giving Tuesday,” we will all give generously of what we have been given in order to improve the lives of those in our community who do not have clothes to wear, food to eat, or a roof over their head. There are wonderful organizations that provide for those who are sick, hungry, in prison, abused, neglected, and homeless, and our generous giving will make a significant impact in the lives of those who truly need our encouragement and practical support. What an incredible gift to give our community and our world, but most importantly, our children, who are learning to be generous givers by watching the choices we make today. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Matthew 6:21 The holidays are a great time to focus on “gifts.” But while we’re busy planning (“making a list and checking it twice”), wrapping, and preparing to give (“gonna find out who’s naughty or nice?”), I hope we’ll remember that some of the best things can’t be purchased online or at the store, can’t be wrapped, and can’t be handed to someone. Instead, they need to be modeled, taught, encouraged, and instilled. This series of “incites” is my gift to you this holiday season. In this series, you may discover gifts you already have (be thankful!), gifts you have given to others (celebrate that!), or gifts you and your loved ones need to add to your list (put it at the top, maybe as a New Year’s resolution, although if you need it, why not start today rather than waiting for the new year?)
On Thursday, those of us living in the United States will pause to commemorate the Thanksgiving holiday. For many, this is a joyous, thankful occasion. For others, it is painful or lonely. Which describes you during this season of your life? For years, I have been teaching students that there is a very strong correlation between our thoughts, feelings, and responses. When we think negative thoughts, we tend to begin to feel more negative (angry, sad, hopeless), which in turn produces negative (harmful, unproductive) responses (words or actions). Often we cannot change our circumstances, but changing the way we think about them can make all the difference! Using “self-coaching” to think positive (hopeful, encouraging) thoughts can make us feel more positive (happy, confident, optimistic), leading to more positive (productive, safe) responses. I recently completed the Bible Study, “The Armor of God,” by Priscilla Shirer. In it, she mentions Dr. Caroline Leaf, a cognitive neuroscientist, and her study of neuroplasticity. Dr. Leaf is able to demonstrate through brain imaging studies that there is science to prove what I have intuitively known and taught. Dr. Leaf’s research is both fascinating and convincing…our toxic thoughts poison not only our minds (and emotional well-being), but also our bodies (and physical well-being). I highly encourage you to find out more at http://drleaf.com/about/toxic-thoughts/. Obviously, our Creator God knew this from before the beginning of time. He has given us instructions for healthy living: - Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. (Romans 12:2 NLT) - And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. (Philippians 4:8 NLT) An excellent place to start is with expressing gratitude. Are you feeling excited, happy, relaxed, or hopeful? Or are you feeling tired, frustrated, angry, depressed, or lonely? Remember, it isn’t about our circumstances, it’s about our thoughts about our circumstances. Start giving thanks for the things you have, the people who are in your life, the blessings you have received. Read Psalms of thanksgiving (good ones to start with are Psalms 95-101, 145-150). And resist the lies of the enemy that you are unworthy, unloved, unlovable, or overlooked. What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving week? Regardless of your circumstances, you can CHOOSE to be full of gratitude, overflowing with thanks! Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. (I Thessalonians 5:18) The holidays are a great time to focus on “gifts.” But while we’re busy planning (“making a list and checking it twice”), wrapping, and preparing to give (“gonna find out who’s naughty or nice?”), I hope we’ll remember that some of the best things can’t be purchased online or at the store, can’t be wrapped, and can’t be handed to someone. Instead, they need to be modeled, taught, encouraged, and instilled. This series of “incites” is my gift to you this holiday season. In this series, you may discover gifts you already have (be thankful!), gifts you have given to others (celebrate that!), or gifts you and your loved ones need to add to your list (put it at the top, maybe as a New Year’s resolution, although if you need it, why not start today rather than waiting for the new year?)
One of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves and others is the gift of a solid work ethic. One definition of work ethic is “a belief in the moral benefit and importance of work and its inherent ability to strengthen character.” (Dictionary.com) The word “moral” has to do with truth, and knowing (and demonstrating that we know) the difference between right and wrong. So, according to this definition, work ethic understands that working can shape our values and who we are as people. This definition, to me, seems to miss some of the depth and impact of a solid work ethic. If you are familiar with my “Tree Analogy,” I believe a solid work ethic is a key component of each of the four areas of a healthy, well-balanced life: nourishing, growing, connecting, and contributing. In my work as an employment coach, I see evidences of a solid work ethic every day…and this makes the lack of a work ethic, which we also see frequently, that much more noticeable and lamentable. Perhaps the best way to define a solid work ethic is to explain what it looks like; how it plays out in everyday life. Here are a few of the examples we have noted. A solid work ethic enables people to: - Be motivated to do a task, whether or not they like it, for financial rewards, for social rewards, or simply for the intrinsic reward of knowing they are helping others as they contribute their time and talents; - Be joyful, working with a smile on their face, even when the work is difficult, boring, uncomfortable, or otherwise unpleasant; - Be grateful for the opportunity to set aside “meaningless” activities in favor of doing something “meaningful;” - Be flexible, willing to try new things, to adjust their expectations, schedule, and preferences according to the work that needs to be done; - Be increasingly independent as they gain skills, connections, confidence, maturity, and opportunities; - Be rewarded by others’ acknowledgements, friendships, new opportunities, a paycheck, work references, promotions, bonuses, etc.; - Be satisfied, knowing their contributions are needed, appreciated, and useful for themselves and others. When asked if he had any household chores, or if he was volunteering in the community, one of our former students simply said, “No.” When asked why not, this 22-year-old able-bodied young man, who still lived at home, replied, “Because I don’t feel like it and nobody makes me!” Another one of our students, a 19-year-old who happens to have a significant physical impairment which makes physical labor challenging, was volunteering alongside us recently at a local nonprofit. He was clearly tired and sore, but I asked him what he liked best about the work. His response was, “That I’m doing something meaningful…not sitting at home wasting my time.” It has been our experience that students who have a solid work ethic, regardless of their unique strengths and challenges, have an easier time getting and keeping a job, and stepping toward independent living. Many of them also juggle a job with college classes. Their parents have taught them the value and importance of work, and given them opportunities to work regularly, contributing to their household and community. They know they need to work to earn something, because they haven’t just had everything handed to them. They know they may need to work without pay, as the value of that experience cannot be purchased with money. They know they can work to achieve other milestones, because they see their work (and their willingness to work) contributing to their success. Parents, grandparents, and teachers, are you modeling, teaching, and expecting a solid work ethic from your children and students? I recently read a thought-provoking quote from Schott Shute, successful Vice President of Global Customer Operations at LinkedIn. As he reflected on the values he learned from his dad, Ed Shute, he wrote, “He loved us kids, and part of that love was putting us to work. ‘It’s child abuse not to teach your kids to work,’ he said.” We’ve got work to do! *Acknowledgement: You probably recognized a paraphrase of “Santa Claus is coming to town,” by John Frederick Coots and Haven Gillespie. It’s been around awhile, having been first sung on Eddie Cantor's radio show in November 1934. Recently, my four-year-old was looking at the back of a box of cereal, and began naming the characters pictured there, “Hulk, Captain America, Thor…” I was shocked that he knew those, since I had never exposed him to them (I didn’t even know all of them). Little people are like sponges, soaking up things we intentionally teach them, along with things we aren’t aware that they’re learning!
Noah proceeded to say, “God is bigger than Hulk! He’s bigger than Captain America! He’s bigger than any of those!” Now that is something I have been teaching him, but not specifically related to those “superheroes.” Then Noah said, “God is bigger than my dad!” I am incredibly thankful that God is bigger…bigger than me, Noah's dad, or another person or superhero, bigger than our problems, bigger than our fears, frustrations, sorrows, and even bigger than our plans, hopes, and dreams! Do you know this BIG God? Like Noah, can you say that God is bigger than the (positive or negative) people and circumstances in your life? How does that translate into practical thoughts and actions? For me, it means surrendering my children to the Lord, knowing it is HE who keeps them safe, not me. It means surrendering my business and personal needs to Him, knowing it is HE who pays the bills, not me. It means surrendering my time, choices, relationships, health, and circumstances to God, knowing that since HE is Lord of all, He will continue to work all things together for my good and for His glory, even if I cannot understand it at the time. And what about me? I believe God intends for each of his people to be a sort of “superhero,” displaying peace, joy, power, love, patience, and wisdom that do not make sense in human terms; they exist not because of our effort, training, genetics, personality, upbringing, or connections in the community, but solely because He has called us and equipped us through the power of His Holy Spirit. Now that’s BIG! Wishing you a BIGGER week than you ever thought possible, as you consider surrendering everything to our BIG God! I’ve often said, “The more I know, the more I realize I don’t know.” And that has been true again in the last month. As I have been writing about community in Social Incites™ since the end of August, a whole new community concern has come to my attention. It’s something I had been aware of for decades, but I never knew until recently how close it came to my own home.
I’m talking about the issue of pornography. And since it reared its ugly head, too close for comfort, I have been learning the statistics, both from published research, as well as personal accounts, of just how prevalent it is, and how devastating it is to those impacted by it, whether they stumble on it or deliberately search for it. Pornography exploits people. It distorts the beauty of who we are created to be and how we are designed to relate to one another. It creates addictions that people cannot step away from, triggering the same areas of the brain as alcohol and drugs. Pornography lies about the source of true beauty. It causes some people to sneak around, lie, and live in shame. It causes others to boast, manipulate, or become aggressive. It destroys relationships, joy, dreams, and livelihoods. It perpetuates and encourages bullying, self-harm, and abuse. It is easily accessible to people of all ages, male and female, and of all cultural and socio-economic backgrounds. We should all be concerned! We need look no farther than the smartphone in our child’s, spouse’s, parent’s, sibling’s, student’s, co-worker’s, or neighbor’s—or our own hand to wonder how close pornography can lurk. It is no longer a problem that affects only “someone else.” We cannot say with certainty, “Not in my home,” or, “Not in my family,” or, “Not in my workplace,” or, “Not in my classroom,” or even, “Not in my church!” We need to be informed. We need to be holding each other accountable. We need to have controls in place. But don’t take my word for it…I encourage you to check this web site for information about WRAP (White Ribbon Against Pornography) week, which is taking place right now. Ask questions. Share information. And pray! I recently asked someone, who is a student at a local Christian college, how many of the young men he has met in the first month of college are struggling or have struggled with pornography. His response was, “Four out of five.” I read one statistic that said 33 percent of clergy have visited a sexually explicit website at some point. (Covenant Eyes). Another statistic indicated that people are typically first exposed to pornography between the ages of 11 and 14. Yup, it’s that big a problem! Are you talking about this in your home, school, workplace, and place of worship? Who will you ask this week? Who will you educate this week? What measures will you take in the next few days to protect yourself and your family? How can you wrap around your community in the days and weeks ahead to share truth and bring healing to those whose lives have been impacted by pornography? If you’re involved in pornography yourself, I hope you’ll realize that there is a better way. Internet and magazine images are not about love, fulfillment, or true intimacy, and will not bring peace, joy, or truth. Talk to someone as the first step toward gaining freedom. None of us walks this road alone. We are all part of a community, and communities are intended to help each other. Look for local resources, access supports, be there for each other, and if necessary, ditch the smart phones. Sometimes they’re not so smart, after all! Have you ever paid for an item in a store or a meal in a restaurant, and received a receipt with an opportunity to complete a survey? Maybe it gives you a chance to win a prize, receive a future discount, or return for a free custard or fries.
Typically, I shove the receipts in my purse, mumble, “Sure, thank you!” to the cashier, and forget about it until I’m cleaning out my purse a few weeks later, at which point the receipts are moved to the trash can. I gained a new perspective on these surveys when talking recently with a friend who works at a restaurant. I learned that customer responses on surveys are tracked closely, and that including a compliment with a specific employee’s name can positively impact that person’s job along with his or her morale. Incentives are given to workers who receive a certain number of specific compliments. Conversely, negative comments can cause them to be disciplined or even lose their jobs. Someone who is “having a bad day,” or is struggling to learn a new job, can have their hard work negated by a customer’s careless comments as they take the phone survey for their free custard or fries. For my friend’s sake, and for the sake of other workers who are doing their best to please their employer and customers, and to keep their paycheck, I intend to begin completing those surveys, even if they do take a few minutes out of my day. I intend to make note of the names of the people who are trying so hard to make my day, and include a compliment when I do. Will you join me in “surveying for success,” as one more way to build community around us? While we’re at it, let’s remember to smile and thank them for a job well done, while wishing them a joy-filled day! For the last couple of weeks, we have been examining the meaning of community, and how to “create space” for each other. There are definite benefits for ourselves and others in pursuing fellowship and a feeling of community that goes beyond simply existing alongside each other. But those benefits often are not realized unless we are very deliberately looking for them and fostering their development.
Often we have a tendency to ignore or forget the people in our community whose impact on our lives we cannot see on a daily basis. How often do we think about our civic leaders, business owners, veterans, people who are homeless, children in foster care or still living with daily abuse or neglect, those in prison, people living with disabilities or chronic health problems, the elderly, those who have lost loved ones, and those who are lonely? While we may enjoy our comfortable friend groups, and naturally spend time with family and neighbors, there are others in our community who are considered to be on the “fringes of society.” Are we tempted to not interact with them? Why is that? It is all too easy to live by the principle of “out of sight, out of mind.” But what are we missing by not connecting with people who are out of our daily line of sight, and not on our minds? What are they missing because we are not connecting with them? I am not naïve enough to think that we can connect with every single person in our community. But I’m guessing most of us have the capacity to do more than we are currently doing. Lately, I have been going out of my way to deliberately connect with new people, especially those who many would consider to be on the “fringes” of my community. I have been incredibly blessed to create friendships with a couple of people who are temporarily homeless, inviting them to our home for a meal, bringing them along on family outings, and receiving texts from them letting me know they’re praying for me. Watching my family embrace them and pray for and with them has been a priceless gift. I am learning to be more generous with my time, talents, material possessions, and financial resources. All around me, I’m beginning to connect with others who are reaching out and deliberately creating community with those who would otherwise not be readily included. One family has purchased a home and created housing opportunities (along with support and accountability) for women in transition. Another individual uses his time off to “hang out” with a person with significant disabilities to provide respite for his family. Over the years, he has become family. In schools, students are agreeing to be mentors for students with disabilities, and are not only helping those individuals navigate the academic environment, but they are also being and gaining friends. Some fight for justice on behalf of those who have no voice, or provide employment opportunities for people with disabilities or other unique needs. Others provide free or low-cost construction, plumbing, electrical, dental, medical, legal, or other assistance for those who could not otherwise afford it. Some feed the hungry. Others provide blankets, coats, and shoes for people who are homeless. I’d love to hear about the ways you are deliberately creating community in your area. If this is a new concept, I encourage you to look for ways to reach out to others to meet some of the needs around you. I promise that you’ll likely gain more than you give, and in doing so, will make the world a better place for all of us! I have some possessions in my home which simply don't have their own space. Papers have accumulated in piles because they don't quite seem to fit the files I set up long ago, and are too important to be thrown away or shredded. My storage room still contains boxes from my last move, with items that I haven't taken time to put away or to set out to use or to decorate our home. Although I've tucked these papers and objects into less-obvious places in my house, they are accumulating in a state of semi-controlled chaos until I have time to assign a specific space to each one or find a way to utilize them.
Sometimes we create "a space" for an item. A drawer, file folder, closet shelf, or hidden nook becomes the home for an item so that it is out of sight, but can be found or accessed as needed. When we create "a space" for something, we seclude it in its own location where it is out of sight or out of the way until needed. Other times we create "space" for an item. We move living room furniture to accommodate a new sofa, re-arrange a china cabinet to include another figurine or dish, or change a wall grouping to incorporate a new picture or piece of artwork. When we create "space" for something, we incorporate the item into a particular setting so that it can be used or enjoyed as we go about our daily lives. What about people? Do we create "a space" for some and create "space" for others? Do we relegate some middle school or high school peers (or work colleagues or family members) to the fringes of our social interactions, while including others in our discussions and outings? Do we put a disruptive child in a corner of the classroom while we provide instruction to the rest of the class in the center of the room? Do we install a wheelchair ramp or a hearing aid system in our places of worship so that we can point to the "spaces" we're creating for those with disabilities, while neglecting to create "space" for them by sitting with them during the service, inviting them to our homes, or ensuring that they can also join our small group discussion or coffee times? Do we cook special foods for a person on a limited diet, while we continue to enjoy the forbidden foods in their presence? I'm learning to re-think the accommodations I make for the people around me. Some are simply "token efforts" designed to make me feel as though I'm doing the right thing by creating "a space" for them. But I'm neglecting to incorporate them--their strengths as well as their challenges--into my daily life. In other words, I'm not creating "space" for them. What about you? What about your home, school, place of employment, or place of worship? Have you done a good job of creating "a space" for some individuals around you, without ensuring that there is meaningful "space" for them? Doing so implies (whether or not it's intentional) that they are not important enough to be included in the types of interactions we reserve for others. Why are we quick to relegate some people to "a space" while we incorporate others into our own space? Sometimes it's because of past experience, or opinions we've formed from prejudicial comments others have said. Sometimes it's because of a lack of understanding or personal experience with those who are "different." Sometimes it's simply because it's easier, since it doesn't require creativity, effort, trying new ways of doing things, or the exercising of hospitality. A commitment to promoting social understanding necessitates the deliberate creation (and regular maintenance) of "space" for those around us! It means exercising hospitality and inclusion, whether we are playing, parenting, teaching, working, worshipping, or simply going about our daily lives. A special thanks to those of you who so graciously excel in creating space for others. You are a true inspiration to me! Every one of us is part of a community. Our family members, neighbors, co-workers, people we encounter as we travel to and from our destinations, and those living and working at each of the places along the way, are all part of our community. Some of us live and work in a variety of communities, experiencing the different “flavors” of each group of people, and partaking of the goods and services that they offer us.
The dictionary defines “community” in two general ways. One is simply, “a group of people living in the same place or having a particular characteristic in common.” The other is, “a feeling of fellowship with others, as a result of sharing common attitudes, interests, and goals.” It’s interesting to note that a person can be part of a community (or many communities), as defined the first way, without ever feeling part of the community as defined the second way. Which communities are you a part of? Do you feel like you belong? How many people are part of a community with you, but do not feel like they belong? What can you do to enfold them, to provide the fellowship that is such a key component to really experiencing community? Community is bigger than one person. It’s actually much bigger than what we can see, or the people who come to mind initially when we consider our community. It includes people living and working around us, who we may not see or meet, but whose efforts and presence directly impact our daily lives and well-being. It includes people we haven’t yet met, whose gifts and needs are still relevant to our lives. Regardless of how you feel about yourself or the people around you, there are others out there who need what you have to offer, and who may be able to meet some of your needs. I encourage you to go through this week really seeing the people around you, and asking yourself what you can do to BE community to them, to fellowship with them, to encourage them, and to learn from them. While we’re at it, I want to thank YOU for being a part of our Social Incites community. Readers of this article are all around the world, each impacting his or her own communities in unique ways. I am humbled by your willingness to stay connected with me, and thank you for the ways you have taught, encouraged, and enfolded me. I enjoy the fellowship, and hope you do, too! |
Social IncitesSocial Incites™ are insights which incite (encourage) personal and interpersonal growth. Social Incites™ are written by Laurel Hoekman, Certified Family Life Educator, Certified Employment Training Specialist, Social Coach, Consultant, and Registered Social Service Technician (Michigan). For 15 years, Laurel was the Executive Director of The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding, and has also been a CASA volunteer (Court Appointed Special Advocate for children who are abused and neglected). She is passionate about helping individuals and families (including those affected by autism spectrum disorders) identify and achieve their goals, particularly in building and maintaining effective social connections. Archives
April 2023
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