I once read an article which suggested that of all the positive character traits we may possess, courage is the most important, although it is sometimes also the most difficult. I think the author was right!

It takes courage to be honest, when the "easy" thing to do is to tell a lie, or not to say anything. It's courageous to befriend someone who is ostracized by others, and to stand up for a person when he or she is being bullied. Courage is needed when dealing with fear or uncertainty, and when making difficult choices that uphold our values and beliefs, but may not lead to great popularity with others.

I'm fortunate to have many people in my life who exhibit great courage. I know parents who are courageous enough to set limits for their children, and to ensure that they learn the connection between their choices and the consequences that accompany them. I know teachers who are courageous enough to teach their lessons in novel ways when they see that their students would benefit from that. I know business people who are courageous in running their business with integrity, even when it doesn't always mean that they'll come out ahead financially. I know individuals, with and without autism spectrum disorders (ASD), who courageously venture out of their comfort zones, sometimes several times each day, in order to make connections with other people, to learn new things, and to utilize their abilities in meaningful ways.

It's interesting to look at various dictionary definitions of the word "courage." Although some define it as the absence of fear, personally I prefer this definition from the American Heritage Dictionary: "The state or quality of mind or spirit that enables one to face danger, fear, or vicissitudes with self-possession, confidence, and resolution; bravery." Possessing courage does not mean that we will not have fear; rather, it means that we attempt to stay strong and resolute in spite of fear.

Are we teaching our children and students the meaning and value of courage? We can affirm others' courage by pointing out when they are exhibiting courage, and by showing the connection between their courageous choices and the positive outcomes that they're likely experiencing.

I'll close with this quote attributed to Keshavan Nair: "With courage you will dare to take risks, have the strength to be compassionate, and the wisdom to be humble. Courage is the foundation of integrity."

I wish for all of us the strength to be courageous, and grace to affirm the courage we see in others!

By the way, Try and Stick with It is a delightful picture book by Cheri Meiners, which helps to teach the value of flexibility and perseverance, even when things are difficult, or don't turn out the way we'd like them to. That sounds like courage to me! 

Welcome to 2013! This is the time of year when we spend time looking back at the year that’s just passed, and ahead toward the year that’s just beginning. Most people can likely identify both positives and negatives from 2012, and most of us can anticipate some of both in the year ahead.

Toward the end of 2012, our world was rocked by the devastating attack on an elementary school in Newtown, Connecticut, where 27 people tragically lost their lives. It was horrifying to watch the story unfold on television, and impossible to fully imagine what people there have been experiencing and feeling. Our thoughts and prayers go out to the entire community, and especially those who lost loved ones.

Anytime something like this happens—and there have been many similar, although different situations around the world through the years—our human minds go immediately to the question, “WHY?” We dig for clues, examining a person’s upbringing, friends, employment history, mental stability, the presence of diagnoses (physical, emotional, mental), financial circumstances, exposure to bullying (both past and present), access to violent video games and movies and weapons, and more.

Examining every aspect of a person’s life can possibly help us learn more about how to prevent such tragedies in the future. It can help us try to understand the reasons behind a person’s violent, destructive decisions, as if this would help rationalize it or bring some peace.

Yet there is a danger in trying to make sense of such senseless acts. Regarding the attack in Newtown, I have heard and read news pointing to the assailant’s dysfunctional home life, diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome, possible imminent hospitalization for mental illness, training and access to firearms, and use of violent video games.

The reality is that there is no way to make sense of such a senseless act. Most people raised in dysfunctional homes, diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome (or any other diagnosis), struggling with mental illness, using or owning firearms, or playing violent video games, do not go into elementary schools and gun down defenseless children and staff members.

Although we can’t make sense of the choices this person made that day in December, we can do all that we can to make the world a better place by advocating for those who need additional services to help them fit into society or manage personal struggles (whether mental/emotional, physical, financial, etc.), giving people meaningful activities to engage their time and talents and form valuable connections within the community, providing support to parents, grandparents, and school staff who are helping individuals to reach their full potential, and disseminating accurate information about diagnoses such as Autism/ Asperger Syndrome, ADHD, Bi-Polar, Anxiety, Depression, and more. (That’s what Social Incites, LLC is here for! Find out more on this site!)

Best wishes to each of you in the New Year, as you continue to grow personally and interpersonally!

As the calendar change from 2012 to 2013, many of us will engage in the time-honored tradition of making a New Year’s resolution! Typical resolutions center around improved health (weight loss, increased exercise, healthier eating, quitting smoking), finances (spending less, saving more, or being able to afford a long-desired big-ticket item), and goals (getting a new job, starting or improving a relationship, beginning or finishing a project, being a better parent, spouse, teacher, or employer).

As we seek to promote social understanding, I hope many of us will make a “social resolution” for the upcoming year! Here are a few ideas to get you started!

-       Smile at those we encounter at home, school, our workplace and in the community.

-       Ask at least one person, “How are you doing today?” and really mean it, taking the time to listen as they talk about their current situation.

-       Do some research on another person’s area of special interest, so that the next time the topic comes up, we can carry on a conversation rather than asking them to choose a different subject.

-       Remind ourselves on a regular basis that others have valid opinions, preferences, and perspectives, even when they differ from our own.

-       Say “thank you” to someone who least expects it—a cashier at the grocery store, a newspaper delivery person, a student, or a neighbor.

-       Commit a kind act toward another person, without being asked, and without acknowledgement.

-       Give a genuine compliment to someone else, commenting not just on outward appearance (a nice tie, haircut, or sweater), but on their achievements, character, or personality.

-       Encourage and assist someone toward reaching his or her goal or dream.

-       Ask for forgiveness from someone we’ve wronged (or who thinks we have wronged them), or grant forgiveness to another person, whether or not we believe they deserve it!

How about you? Will you make a social New Year’s resolution for the upcoming year? I hope you’ll write to me to share your resolution, or comment on our Facebook page or on this blog below!

Happy New Year!

What do the holidays mean to you?

For some, the term “HAPPY HOLIDAYS” brings to mind pleasant thoughts of family, friends, food, festivities and decorations, fond traditions, special songs, anticipation of the year ahead, and an opportunity to thank God for rich blessings throughout the past year.

For others, the holidays are associated with loss, sadness, loneliness, fear, and uncertainty.

My hope for all of you today is that you will experience JOY throughout the holiday season. Joy is not dependent on external circumstances or other people. Instead, it comes from within; a true gift which is meant to be enjoyed and shared.

I hope you’ll share JOY this holiday season! Share a smile, a handwritten note, a meal, a gift, a word of encouragement, the gift of time, the blessing of your friendship or forgiveness. As we experience and share holiday joy, we make the world a better place, one moment at a time!

Wishing you holiday JOY, and bountiful opportunities to share that with others in the week ahead!

It was almost 14 years ago that Brian and Carol Gray invited me to be a member of the newly formed Gray Center board of directors, and what an incredible journey it has been!

Through eight conferences, three Autism Expos, a variety of new resources by five authors, numerous community groups and classes, five offices, dozens of staff and volunteers, talented fellow board members, four web sites, tens of thousands of emails, a lending library and bookstore, and countless presentations, meetings, and consultations or coaching sessions, I have been blessed by the opportunity to connect with and serve you and others all around world!

Many things have changed in our world during the past 14 years. We have a greater awareness of autism, and more resources to help. Our society has changed, as has our economy and the way we do business. I have also changed. I have learned so much in 14 years, not only about autism, but also about family dynamics, employment needs, community resources, and my personal abilities and passions which drive the work I do each day.

At the end of this week, I will bid farewell to The Gray Center and my role as its Executive Director and board member. Operations are being turned over to Brian and Carol Gray with support from the board of directors.

Although there is much I will miss about being involved with The Gray Center, I am excited to move on to my newly formed business, SOCIAL INCITES, LLC. Here, my husband Steve and I will continue to provide consultations and social coaching, job coaching, parent and teacher coaching, Growth Groups, presentations, and more. We will continue to produce new educational resources to meet the needs in our local and global communities. And of course, I will continue to write this weekly email article, Social Incites™.  If you choose to be on our mailing list, you'll  receive the  ​FREE weekly email article, along with updates about classes, new resources, Growth Groups, and more.

I hope you’ll continue to use me as a resource. You’re welcome to email me anytime. I can provide a free initial consult if you’re trying to decide whether you’d like to access our coaching and consulting services. And as always, Steve and I will provide personalized, proactive services to meet your individual needs as parents, grandparents, siblings, individuals with autism/Asperger Syndrome, teachers, employers, therapists, and more. Our mission remains, "Providing socialization insights which incite personal and interpersonal growth!" 

Looking forward to growing with you in the New Year,

Laurel A. Falvo, CFLE
Certified Family Life Educator
SOCIAL INCITES, LLC
www.socialincites.com 

It’s that time of year again, when many of us carry around long lists of names, area sales, shirt sizes, and the latest must-have toys and games. Many of you may spend time standing in long lines to purchase just the right gift for someone on your list.

How do we determine what to give our loved ones? What if we have a child with an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) or other special needs? What gift is best for him or her? Many young children voice a desire to have just about everything they see. How do we know which gifts will survive their interest level more than a week after the holidays are finished?

While everyone has their own standards for making these determinations, here are just a few ideas that I’ve considered over the years:

1. What are your goals for your child, both short-term AND long-term? Does the gift promote that goal? For example, if you want your child to learn the alphabet, does the gift use an engaging way of doing that with your child? If you want your child to grow up to be someone who reads for fun, are you choosing a book that he or she can’t resist (and will want to go to the library to get more?) If you want your child to develop and use social skills, perhaps a board game or outdoor game (a ball and two gloves) would promote that better than a handheld computer game or a personal MP3 player with headphones.
2. If the gift is something your child “desperately wants,” how long has that desire been present? If the answer is “just during the last 5 minutes while we’ve been waiting in line at the grocery store,” or “just since he saw it in the toy catalog that arrived today in the mail,” the gift is less likely to survive the holidays than one that your child has been asking or saving for and talking about for the last three months.
3. Is the gift likely to promote your child’s social development? Is it something that can be used with others, either at home or at school? Will others be interested in it?
4. Is the gift consistent with the values you’re trying to teach your child? Is this the type of gift you hope he or she will give to friends or family members someday? Would you choose to have your child devoting time and attention to this item?
5. Does the gift hinder your ability to provide for your child’s needs throughout the year? It’s sometimes tempting to make a financial stretch to provide something special during the holidays. However, if it comes at the expense of structure, normalcy, and a relatively stress-free life during and after the holidays, it might not be worth it!

Don’t forget the value of teaching our children to give to others. Can you involve them in the list-making process? If stores are too chaotic for them around the holidays, can they assist you in making some online purchases? Can you set aside time to visit a homeless shelter, to go caroling or visiting in a nursing home, or to take homemade cookies to a next-door neighbor?

I’d love to hear from you! What was the best gift you ever received, or the best gift you ever gave your child? What strategies guide your gift-giving? Share your comments or stories here!

Enjoy the holiday season with your loved ones!

This week’s Social Incite™ is courtesy of my youngest child, 22-month-old Noah.

Every person has his or her own unique “starting point” or CONTEXT in life. It’s a personal blend of experiences (and how we feel about them), personality, strengths, challenges, interests, dreams, and more. And it’s changing all the time!

Stress, hunger, fatigue, and emotions such as anger, frustration, or envy can all negatively impact our context and ultimately our RESPONSES, as they make us more likely to generate AUTHENTIC RESPONSES (meltdown/shutdown, or fight/flight) instead of STRATEGIZING to produce SOCIALLY EFFECTIVE RESPONSES.

I’m thankful for those moments in life which I call CONTEXT CHANGERS. I had one of those last week, in the middle of the night. I was preparing to give a big presentation the next day, and was aware that I was sleep-deprived and would need a long night of sleep in order to be physically and mentally prepared to be my best for the attendees. At 3:00 a.m., my 22-month-old son woke me for the third time in two hours. My husband was still working at his 2nd shift job, and wasn’t available to deal with him. I decided to get Noah a snack, in case hunger was contributing to his difficulty sleeping.

At that point, my CONTEXT wasn’t in that great a place. I was tired, hungry, frustrated, and overwhelmed. I fixed Noah a snack, then began making one for myself, which he promptly wanted--and got, as I was too tired to argue with him.

I finally sat down to eat, and as I took my first bite, I heard a little voice say, “Mama, pray!” I turned to look at Noah, and he had his head bowed over his snack with his little hands folded in prayer.

Needless to say, my frustration quickly gave way to laughter, and instead of dwelling on my fatigue and concerns for the day ahead, together we gave thanks for our snack and our special midnight time together.

People, situations, words, memories, sensory sensations, and more can serve as CONTEXT CHANGERS—welcome intrusions which force us to stop and shift into a better starting point. I’m thankful for life’s CONTEXT CHANGERS—even from a little pint-sized human being--which are causing me to grow and change each day!

What do you want to be when you grow up?

I remember that as a child, I would answer that question, “A teacher and a mom!” I spent hours imagining both—playing with dolls, and acting out a school day with my sisters, complete with homework assignments and letters from the “principal.” I later developed flyers for my babysitting services, distributing those to nearby neighborhoods. In high school and college I spent time as a tutor, community education Spanish instructor, and Sunday School teacher.

I eventually went on to realize both dreams, as a first grade teacher, and later a mom to four children. My imagination continues to be sparked as I consider books I’d like to write, presentations and resources I’d like to develop, places I’d like to go, and ways I’d like to be involved in my community.

It’s surprising to me how many of my current students—mostly teens and young adults preparing for employment—have no idea what they want to do “when they grow up.” When I asked about his abilities and interests, one 16-year-old recently told me, ‘That’s the problem. I have no idea what I’m good at or what I like!”

I have a few thoughts regarding the varied reasons for this. If you have others, please feel free to share those on my Facebook page or send me an email!

-       Our busy culture keeps us running from one thing to another, without “free time” to play, explore, read for pleasure, etc.

-       Time spent playing video games, watching TV, and surfing the Internet is time away from engaging in productive hobbies, learning new skills, and being exposed to people in the community who are doing a variety of different tasks. (My Electronic Contracts pdf download can help define healthy boundaries for the use of electronics).

-       Diagnoses such as autism keep some people from noticing or trying new activities, either because they are not as “tuned in” to social things, because of anxiety or sensory dysfunction, or because their behaviors or the negative responses of other people keep them isolated.

-       There appears to be less emphasis on “contributing” in many homes today. I meet countless young people who are not employed, not volunteering, and not contributing to household responsibilities. Much of my work as a coach involves supporting parents as they develop a home environment which is more conducive to their sons’ and daughters’ successful integration into the community. (My Summer Growth Chart, which isn’t just for summer, is a downloadable pdf document which can help build “nourishing, growing, connecting, and contributing into a person’s life in a fun and structured way!)

-       We don’t share our life stories with others. I think many young people assume that our current “context” has been static for many years, when in fact our situation changes all the time. Many of us started in jobs unrelated to our career, in houses that weren’t very glamorous, driving vehicles that were held together with duct tape. Often it’s true that “you have to start somewhere,” even if it isn’t the epitome of your dream!

As we near the end of 2012, it’s a great time to reflect on our personal life progress. What’s your dream? What would you like to change about your current context or reality? How are you going to do that? We can ask the same questions of our children and students. If we or they cannot articulate dreams, goals, or even personal strengths and challenges, we’ve got some work to do!

 

My youngest son is 22 months old. He has developed a wonderful habit of saying, “Thank you!” any time someone helps him with something. He’ll even say it to store clerks when they help someone else! Noah does this both because he’s been taught to do so (initially through sign language, and now through spoken words), and because it’s been consistently modeled for him and expected of him.

With the American “Thanksgiving” holiday approaching later this week, this is a great time for us to follow Noah’s lead. We can say, “Thank you” for a variety of things, both big and small.

For starters, I’d like to personally thank the following:

-       The thousands of people who read Social Incites™. I am grateful for your willingness to welcome my insights into your life each week, and appreciate the times you respond with thanks, questions, or insights of your own.

-       My thousands of Facebook fans, who help me promote social understanding and autism awareness. I maintain several Facebook pages, including:

o    A Gray Center page

o    A page for Social Incites™

o    Social Coaching for Workplace Success (updates on resources, classes, and more)

o    Growth Groups (updates on meetings and events for West Michigan teens/young adults and their families)

o    The Social Response Pyramid™ (updates on related resources, sales, and more)

-       People with ASD and your families, teachers, employers, and other significant people in your lives. You are my inspiration! I continue to learn from you every day, and hope that I can be as great a help to you as you are to me. (If I have coached you or provided a consultation, please consider completing this short survey to provide feedback on this service).

-       Steve, Nelson, Rick, Jane, Amy, Kathy, Marcia, and Erika—the people who have helped as Gray Center staff members or volunteers this past year, helping to make groups, classes, sales, and one-on-one support possible.

-       My family. For the past 15 years, my work at The Gray Center has been a labor of love which often involves you, or takes me away from you. Your words of encouragement and acts of assistance make it possible for me to devote the majority of my time each week to serving our local and global communities! I am especially grateful for the opportunities and abilities given to me by my Heavenly Father (Jeremiah 29:11, Philippians 4:13). To Him be the glory!

From me to you, a huge “Thank you!” Who will you thank today? And how can you “incite” others around you to do the same?

I wish I could say that as a “Social Coach,” I have answers to social dilemmas and use that information consistently to produce SOCIALLY EFFECTIVE RESPONSES. Unfortunately, as a human being, I am susceptible to the same CONTEXT issues that everyone else is, and I occasionally (okay, maybe frequently) forget to STRATEGIZE, and end up generating AUTHENTIC RESPONSES that I later regret because they don’t work well for me or for the people around me in my SOCIAL CONTEXT.

Consider this real-life example that I experienced just last weekend:

I was battling traffic on a Saturday morning to get to the bank. I had just dropped my son off at school for a theater rehearsal, and taken my daughter to the library for a book club meeting. My toddler was fussing in the back seat, I was fretting over the engine noise in my vehicle which was scheduled to go to the mechanic on Monday morning, and loud and uncomfortable growling noises from my stomach suddenly made me realize that I hadn’t taken time to eat breakfast as I ran out the door.

When I arrived at the ATM drive-through lane, I pulled past the first ATM machine to the one at the far end of the lane (a SOCIALLY EFFECTIVE RESPONSE, given that the instructions posted on the wall indicate that this is the expectation of bank employees, and I know it’s the courteous thing to do in case someone else arrives wanting to use the other ATM). When I pulled next to the second ATM, I noted that a sign was posted on the screen indicating that this ATM was out of service! I looked in my rear-view mirror, noted that no one was at the ATM behind me, and began driving in reverse to return to that functioning ATM. Suddenly another vehicle pulled in, and even though I was just a few feet from my destination, that driver insisted on forcing me forward so that he could get to that ATM.

Mumbling words of frustration about inconsiderate drivers who don’t care about “social niceties” or even unspoken social rules, I drove around the drive-thru section of the bank and returned to the entrance of the ATM lane. By then, the second driver had also pulled through to the first ATM (I guess he had some awareness of courtesy and social expectations, after all), and had discovered the reason I had been struggling when he first arrived. Touché! As I pulled gleefully behind him to the first ATM, that driver suddenly put his vehicle in reverse, and began vying for the spot to which I was heading. Instead of giving up and driving around like I had, he put his arm out his window and motioned me to move back, as he continued to drive his vehicle closer to mine. When he had edged me out far enough, he got out of his vehicle and used the ATM.

By then, I was hungry, stressed, frustrated, AND angry! As he completed his business, I noted rather smugly that the other driver’s vehicle sported a bumper sticker from my favorite Christian radio station. I reasoned that because I wasn’t advertising that I had that in common with him, I was justified in not giving him quite enough room to position his vehicle directly in front of the ATM machine.

As I finally made my deposit at the ATM and prepared to drive away, my brain cleared enough to recognize that I was indeed “behaving badly.” I had allowed my emotions, sensory functioning, and immediate needs (hunger, stress, the desire to hurry home, etc.) to cause me to “meltdown,” avoiding the strategies available to me, and generating AUTHENTIC RESPONSES instead of SOCIALLY EFFECTIVE RESPONSES. I could have reminded myself that it would only take a few minutes out of my day to wait patiently for the other driver to complete his banking. I could have used calming techniques to keep from getting so agitated. I could have coached myself to “take the high road,” reminding myself that the other driver was experiencing the same frustrations with the out-of-order ATM that I had, and was resorting to the exact same strategy I had attempted just moments before. And I could have been more aware of my toddler in the back seat, who carefully observes my responses (good and bad), and often emulates them!

The Social Response Pyramid™ helped me settle down and return to the rest of my day a little less frustrated, and more prepared to be SOCIALLY EFFECTIVE. It also helped me coach myself toward choices I hope to make if I’m ever in this situation (or similar situations) again in the future.

No, a “Social Coach” doesn’t always have all the answers, nor does a social coach always apply the answers in effective ways. But this social coach is committed to using “lead coaching, peer coaching, and self-coaching” to continually strive to be more socially effective, hopefully making this world a better place for myself and all those with whom I interact!

I hope you’ll join me in that!