Last week I was working with a student who has recently started a new job. We were talking about our personal strengths which help us succeed at meeting others’ expectations, and our weaknesses, or challenges, which could impede our ability to meet those.

I first listed my strengths as:

-       Communication (the ability to express my thoughts and to connect with others through language)

-       Problem-solving (being able to imagine helpful responses that can resolve issues and help people move to a “next step”)

-       Experience (almost 20 years of living and working with people with autism and Asperger Syndrome, and helping individuals and families succeed)

-       Good work ethic, attention to detail, ability to multi-task, and passion for my work

When I moved to listing my weaknesses, or challenges, we talked about the fact that often our strengths can also be considered negatives! Here’s how that looks for me:

-       Communication (sometimes I may provide too much information, which can be overwhelming or annoying to others)

-       Problem-solving (people don’t always need or want their problems solved; I sometimes need to remind myself that others need to solve their own problems, and I simply need to listen and affirm as they talk about that process)

-       Experience (all the experience in the world can’t ever completely prepare me for the next unique individual or family that walks into my life. I need to start at the beginning with each one, using my experience to guide me, and not assuming anything).

-       My good work ethic, etc. can sometimes cause me to hyper-focus on my work. Although I am efficient and productive, other things in my life (my family, relaxation, friendships) can suffer unless I am deliberate about striving for balance

Does your list work the same way? Do you have personal strengths that can also be considered weaknesses or challenges?

Consider this…many people, which may include those who are elderly, young children, people with “disabilities,” or those who are economically “disadvantaged,” are described or known through their weaknesses or challenges. The World English Dictionary defines the prefix “dis” as indicating “negation, lack, or deprivation.” Would any of us want to be known only by the things that are difficult for us?

If we adjust our perspective, could those perceived “negatives” also be seen as strengths? Here’s my social “incite” for this week: Let’s try to define people and interact with them in positive terms of who they are, and what they are able to do or contribute, not in terms of what is difficult for them, or what they cannot do!

 

What do you fear? Injury, illness, death? Spiders, black cats, heights? Something happening to your children, broken relationships, or financial ruin? Failure, or maybe even success?

From the time we first become aware of the potential for catastrophe, we know the feeling of fear. Even my two-year-old, who saw a car flipped over a few weeks ago on a snowy day, now says frequently as we drive around town, “Be careful, Mom! Car flip over? Get hurt? …God will take care of us!”

He’s got the right idea! I’ve been spending time thinking about the role fear plays in our lives after recently reading the book, Fearless: Imagine a Life Without Fear, by Max Lucado. It’s a reassuring look at the assurance many of us have from knowing to whom we belong, who is controlling all of life, and where we are going when life here on earth is finished.

Yet the reality is that fear often threatens to invade our lives, both as instantaneous fight-or-flight-provoking experiences, or gnawing lay-awake-at-night concerns.

Fear can be a helpful emotion, if it prompts us to respond in ways that keep us safe and healthy, and help us to maintain supportive relationships or get our needs met.

However, fear can also shut us down, or cause us to act impulsively in ways that endanger our health, relationships, well-being, or even our lives. Many people suffer from debilitating anxiety, only sometimes successfully alleviated through medications, therapy, and other supports. (For specific statistics on the prevalence of anxiety disorders in adults, you can start by clicking here). Today we are increasingly aware of the significance of anxiety even among children and teens. (Click here for more information).

Although life experiences and increasing maturity can help decrease anxiety in some people, for others, more deliberate strategies are needed. In addition to Max Lucado’s excellent book, we have compiled several resources for people of all ages which you can find on this site.

“Don’t worry…” Sometimes it’s easier said than done. But it’s worth the effort expended to conquer our fears so that we can enjoy the blessings of each day that’s given to us!

Several past Social Incites™ articles have prompted responses from readers who agree that social understanding should be an integral part of school and home instruction. To further illustrate the importance of deliberately teaching social understanding, here are a few examples from my social coaching experience:

-       One young man recently said he wasn’t impressed by the nice things his parents were saying about him during a consultation with me. When I questioned him about that, he said, “When they say those nice things, I just think about all the times I haven’t done them!” As we further discussed his perceptions, it seemed that he didn’t realize that no one is perfect, and that although everyone has both strengths and challenges, we typically are not consistent in those. While a person may be mostly kind, he/she might still say or do unkind things occasionally. And a person who is characterized as being honest might not always be 100% honest. The important thing is that we learn to acknowledge our mistakes, and the times we hurt others, so that we can respond in a way that helps to repair the damage or heal the hurts.

-       One mom who is working to meet the expectations of the court so that she can be reunited with her son indicated that she doesn’t know what activities to do with him during her parenting time. As we talked further, it also became clear that she didn’t fully understand the expectations of her social worker and probation officer. Now that she has a better understanding of what they’re looking for, and strategies she can use to be successful, she has much more control over her choices and the outcomes!

-       Recently one of our students made arrangements to eat lunch with a new colleague during break time at his job. Although he had to step outside his comfort zone to make those plans, he said, “Laurel said we should do this. Now I have a new friend!”

-       Many of our students fail to implement regular/daily hygiene practices which would ensure that they look and smell clean and presentable. Without coaching from parents and social coaches, they often remain mystified as to why they struggle to find or maintain employment or friendship opportunities. Certain changes like showering regularly, wearing deodorant, brushing teeth, and making sure hair and clothing is neat and clean can create new opportunities for connecting with other people!

-       Many parents use our coaching services for help managing difficult behaviors at home. A “social understanding” approach helps to ensure that the parents are first considering the reasons for their children’s behaviors, then helps the parents establish and define—in a way their children can understand-- reasonable expectations, strategies for meeting those, and appropriate consequences (both positive and negative). Both parents and children feel empowered to successfully navigate their ever-changing relationship, and the tools they develop can also be used with other relationships!

Yes, “social” is complicated! No two people are the same, and no two social interactions are exactly alike! But we can all continue to add to our toolbox of useful strategies for understanding ourselves and other people, and for responding in “effective” ways that work for ourselves and others!

This past weekend, my family and I scheduled a one-week vacation for this summer. The process we followed is one we use for many decisions at our home, using The Social Response Pyramid™ as a Personal Success Plan. It’s the same plan I use with many of my clients as I listen to their stories, and help them sort out “next steps” for reaching their goals. Here’s how the process works:

1.     OUR CONTEXT: First, we examine the reality of what we have to deal with. This includes work schedules, financial constraints, other summer commitments, travel preferences, favorite destinations (and their availability), etc.

2.     OUR DREAMS: Obviously, there are many things we dream of doing as a family. While not all are feasible at this time (especially given each of the things detailed under “OUR CONTEXT,”), examining our dreams helps to identify our values and keeps some of those more distant dreams alive in our conversations.

3.     WHAT’S DO-ABLE: We made decisions about what we’d like “OUR CONTEXT” to look like at vacation time. We decided we’d like a 6-day vacation on our 26-foot boat (cozy quarters, but we’re able to trailer it to our destination, and it’s much less expensive to stay on that and prepare our own meals than to stay in a hotel and eat in restaurants…plus we enjoy it!)

4.     STRATEGIES: We brainstormed many possibilities, including some favorite destinations, and some that we’ve dreamed of going to but haven’t yet tried.

5.     RESPONSES/NEXT STEPS: We worked through the next three steps that would get us to our vacation: making reservations at each of our three destinations for the 6-day vacation, determining a budget and setting aside the funds, and clearing our work schedules for the week we chose.

Many years ago, I developed The Social Response Pyramid™ to help people to be more effective in their interactions with others. In keeping with the mission of SOCIAL INCITES, LLC, the Pyramid can be used to grow both personally and interpersonally! I use it frequently, not only to teach my students and to interact more effectively with my own family, but also to evaluate my life and plan for my own success! Without it, our vacation remained a dream. Once we took time to step through the process, we were able to be productive, make decisions, and have now worked through the steps that will make our goals a reality! Even though there’s still snow on the ground in Michigan, we now have a vacation scheduled that helps all of us look forward to summer!

For a very limited time, you can download a FREE copy of the Personal Success Plan template from our web site! I hope it will help you step toward your goals, too!

In last week's Social Incites™ article, I described a common problem of expecting success to arrive without work. I mentioned that we may in fact be guilty of making success look too "easy" or "immediate" to those around us. Here are some strategies to help avoid that:

1. Verbalize the steps you go through as they occur. Lost your car keys? Talk about where you last remember seeing them, where you usually put them, and who might also have had access to them. Enlist the assistance of others who might have an idea where to find them. (I'll confess that the last time I lost my car keys, my kids and I found them in the bathroom trash--long story, but these steps helped us experience success before the garbage truck arrived to remove our trash!) Are you planning a special meal? Talk about which ingredients you have in the house, and what you'll need to purchase from the store. Talk about the amount of time you'll need to prepare the meal, cook it, and get ready to eat it (setting the table, pouring beverages, etc.) And don’t forget to enlist help in the various steps!

2. Involve others whenever possible. Do they have chores? Can they help make a grocery list or clip coupons before going to the store? Can they bake cookies or help set the table? If you've encountered a problem in the classroom, could the students help brainstorm possible solutions? Involvement helps people take ownership in  a process…and hands-on learning is typically more effective than just being told something or simply observing.

3. Emphasize choices. Make sure you provide choices that you can live with, whether you're empowering the individual to choose between three outfits for school in the morning, or between two lunch options, or between a few chores that need to be done. Name the choice (i.e. Healthy choice, friendly choice, helpful choice, creative choice), and praise them for the choice they've made. Discuss current events, explaining the choices others made, and ask your children or students what they would do if they were in that situation, and work together to make realistic guesses about how the outcome could have differed if different choices had been made.

4. Provide natural consequences. Did they make an ineffective or unexpected choice? Help them to see how their choice differed from better options and how their choice led to the current consequences. Whenever possible, make sure they are given information in advance about the consequences of the choices they make (i.e.” If you use the time remaining to finish your math assignment, you can go out for recess. However, if you choose to do other things between now and then, and your math assignment does not get finished before the bell rings, you will need to miss recess to complete the math paper.”)

5. When needed, provide visuals to increase understanding. Linda Hodgdon is a wonderful author who specializes in visual strategies. More information can be found in her book, Visual Strategies for Improving Communication.

In my previous article, I detailed three factors that may contribute to an individual's perception that success comes easily or automatically, without effort. Here's one more! I believe that our entertainment industry has fostered the notion of success without work, and choices without consequences. The games, DVDs, and TV shows which occupy our children's time often have very little connection to reality, and may serve to counteract your attempts to teach these important life lessons. Consider how your children and students are spending their time. Do things simply appear to happen in front of their eyes, or with the flip of a finger? If so, you may need to reduce the amount of time spent on these pursuits, or take time to talk about how they differ from real life.

We can play an important role in helping others work toward successful outcomes. I hope these suggestions have been helpful for you. If you have other ideas, feel free to post those on our FACEBOOK page or on our blog at www.socialincites.com!

Next week I'll share some tips that I use to work toward success in my own life. Hopefully they'll help you keep stepping forward in your own life!

I once heard it wisely said, "The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary!"

I have no doubt that in most cases, you're well aware of the time and effort you've invested in the various outcomes you label as success. Successful relationships, job promotions, graduations, and other achievements don't usually just happen. Instead, they follow hours, or maybe even years, of hard work! Smaller or daily successes also involve labor. Keeping your home clean, making meals, completing a project, paying bills, and checking items off your "to do list" don't happen on their own, but come as a result of time and effort.

You may be aware of the relationship between work and success, but what about your children and students? I once asked a group of young adults about their goals for the next few years. Their answers surprised me! Most aspired to be inventors, presidents of companies, or otherwise very prosperous individuals. While that may not be so surprising in and of itself, the fact was that these particular individuals were not currently employed, not attending school, not living independently, and in most cases, not able to drive or to use public transportation independently.

While these young people had a vision for success, they had no concept of the work required to reach it! What they lacked was an action plan, or a step-by-step "map" of how to get from Point A to Point B, or from their current location/status to where they'd eventually like to be.

Some of this may be due to difficulty with organizational skills and gestalt processing (or “seeing the big picture”).  Another reason for the unrealistic goals named by the young people may be a lack of understanding of the difference between a goal and a dream, or at least between a short-term and a long-term goal. If you're currently unemployed, while you may dream of someday being a manager at a prestigious business, a worthwhile goal, at least initially, is to simply get a job. An action plan can lay out the steps for targeting jobs that fit your interests and abilities, applying, interviewing, and of course, developing good work habits so that you're able to keep a job once you're hired.

As parents and teachers, we may, at least inadvertently, be contributing to others' misconceptions regarding the important connection between work and success. How much do we do FOR our children and students rather than WITH them? Does supper seem to magically appear on the table, and clean laundry in drawers? Do we just “know" how to deal with injuries, arguments, and sudden changes in schedules? If we don't outline the steps we take toward successful outcomes (whether those steps are physical/tangible or mental/intangible), we may be guilty of giving others the idea that success comes easily or automatically, and can be expected to arrive the same way for them.

Next week I'll outline specific strategies for helping yourself and others in your life to work toward success!

One year my family took a walk over a sand dune along Lake Michigan during a West Michigan blizzard. At the time, little snow was falling, but we were subjected to gale-force winds as we struggled to climb the stairs for a view of the water below. As I was pelted with wind and sand, and frequently had to grab onto a railing or hold my arms out to provide greater stability and balance, I marveled at the trees which stood so strong, seemingly unaffected, against the powerful force of the wind. Do you know how they got to be so strong? This quote sums it up well: “Good timber does not grow with ease; the stronger the wind, the stronger the trees" (J. Willard Marriott). It’s the powerful wind, which made our hike so difficult (and at times unpleasant), that over the years has helped those trees develop a strong root system which provides a firm foundation when the wind howls around and against them.

As parents, when we welcome a child into the world, we tend to do whatever we can to protect them even as we help them to grow and flourish. When a child has special needs like a diagnosis of autism, we tend to hold him or her even more closely, sheltering them from a potentially cruel and dangerous world, and hoping to encourage their growth in a way that avoids having their differences be too noticeable to the outside world. Parents work hard to help their child succeed and to protect them from failure or harsh treatment from others. But sometimes the day comes when they suddenly realize that their child hasn’t learned the skills needed to manage on their own. They lack the connections to receive help from anyone other than their parents or immediate family members. While the parents meant well, they find that that have unknowingly secluded their children from the life lessons that would prepare them to function on their own. Without the “wind” of difficulty throughout their lives, their “root systems” remain underdeveloped, making it impossible for them to stand up to the wind on their own.

The following quote explains the danger well: "As a parent, your nature is to protect.  Sometimes fear of risks ... can cause you to exclude a person with autism from their community.” (Marguerite Colston, spokeswoman for the Autism Society of America).

Naturally, it is difficult to know when to shelter and when to give a gentle push to help our children step out and experience life lessons for themselves. It’s a process of daily deliberations and decisions. We don’t need to do it alone—our community can be a source of help to us as we seek to uncover and maximize our children’s potential and assist them in being successful. There’s wisdom in the saying, “It takes a village,” as we admit to ourselves that we cannot do it on our own. Are you familiar with the inspiring story of Helen Keller? Hers is an amazing story of success in spite of being both blind and deaf. She once said, “A man can't make a place for himself in the sun if he keeps taking refuge under the family tree.”

Some of you reading this have young children at home. You may be inspired to find ways to help your children develop new skills, understanding, and connections so that they can stand strong against the winds of daily living and of adversity. Others of you find that your children are grown, but do not have a strong root system. Although you will likely face resistance and other challenges as you work to help your grown son or daughter, you may be encouraged by this old proverb: “The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago. The second best time is now.” It’s never too late to make healthy changes that benefit both you and your children! Even “late bloomers” can be successful. In the words of Moliere, sometimes “The trees that are slow to grow bear the best fruit.”

In my own parenting, I think back to numerous occasions when I bit my tongue instead of discouraging my children from trying something new. Although I was afraid they would experience failure or disappointment, or even ridicule, I let them chart their course. Sometimes it proved to be a difficult or painful outcome, but it gave us an opportunity to talk about how life works, and what we can learn each situation. Other times they succeeded beyond my wildest expectations, and we were all able to celebrate yet another joyous (and sometimes unexpected) success.

Best wishes as you continue to teach and nurture children and young adults toward an ability to stand strong and bear fruit!

Many of you daily live and/or work with children. It’s an incredible responsibility to be involved in the shaping of little bodies and minds, both through direct instruction, as well as through modeling, as they carefully watch (and mimic) the choices we make.

Years ago, when my own children were very young, I met a mom who had a seven-year-old daughter with Down Syndrome. I listened as she talked about attending a recent IEP (Individualized Education Plan) with teachers, therapists, and school administrators, focusing on goals and action plans for her daughter’s first grade experience. I have never forgotten the list that she and her husband brought with them to share with the other members at the IEP. The list carefully detailed all the hopes and dreams they had for their precious little girl, including having friends, driving a vehicle, attending college, and possibly even getting married.

Every seven-year-old is more than a child learning phonics, writing, spelling, math, and the mechanics of sitting through school each day. Every person with Down Syndrome—or any other diagnosis—is so much more than the label which describes their unique challenges.

In fact, in the words of a song I remember singing when I was a little girl, every child could say, “I am a Promise, I am a Possibility, I am a Promise, with a capital P…I am a great big bundle of POTENTIALITY!” (Bill Gaither). Someday, most children will grow up to be adults who could contribute in adult ways to our world, using their time and abilities to teach, build, heal, discern, entertain, encourage, drive, supply, create, facilitate, program, etc. to make the world a better place for everyone in it.

 As we live and work with children, we have the opportunity to shape young individuals to be respectful, honest, kind, responsible, friendly, passionate, discerning, joyful, well-organized, hard-working, and compassionate. Yes, phonics, math, playground antics and sleep-overs are important components of the “work” of every seven-year-old. But through each of those, we can teach and model the qualities and characteristics they will need in order to realize their full potential, both as children, and as future adults. (I’ll write more about that next week!)

Best wishes to all of you engaged in the daily task of nurturing young bodies and minds. Although the task isn’t without its challenges, it is also incredibly rewarding!

Soon after I became a first grade teacher, I had a parent of a student say to me, “You’ll never really get it until you become a mom!” Frankly, I was offended. I had just completed a college degree, and had invested significant amounts of time and money to gain relevant knowledge as I began my new career.

Now, more than 20 years later, I think I understand her comment. There’s nothing wrong with amassing knowledge about a particular subject or field. In fact, that knowledge is very valuable, and can keep us “current” as we keep up with changes in research and practice, and can contribute to an effective career.

However, as a coach, I not only have knowledge at this point in my life, but I have also gained a wide variety of experience. I don’t just “talk the talk,” but like you, I am “walking the walk!”

I have friends with various mental illnesses, and family members with Asperger Syndrome, ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder), sensory dysfunction, and learning disabilities. I have experienced abuse, and spent a few years as a single mom. My four children range in age from two to eighteen, encompassing the joys and challenges of toddlerhood, tweens, teens, and emerging adults. Each day, I change diapers, help with homework, prepare meals, wait anxiously for teen drivers to return home, monitor sibling rivalries, tend wounded bodies and souls, and discuss college and work opportunities with my family. My husband and I have grown together through our parenting, differing personalities and priorities, various job changes, and sharing of work, hobbies, and other pastimes.

My writing and coaching not only share knowledge, but consist of the experiences I’ve had, the struggles I’ve faced, the lessons I’ve learned, the strategies I’ve developed for my own success and that of my loved ones, and the passion I’ve developed for helping everyone to experience success. My “incites” are a testament to the value of hard work, helpful connections, relevant resources, patience, perseverance, love, laughter, flexibility, and strong faith.

Thank you for allowing me into your life! I hope that for a few moments each week, I can walk alongside you as you “walk your walk,” whether you are a parent, sibling, grandparent, student, teacher, administrator, employee, employer, with a diagnosis or without, and whether you are “young” or “old” or somewhere in-between. While I cannot fully identify with your individual situation (or CONTEXT), I hope that my personal journey has equipped me to provide the information, encouragement, support, and strategies you need to take the “next step,” whatever that may be, as you continue to grow personally and interpersonally!

We recently embarked on the journey of a new year—2013. This year marks a different point in life for each of us. For some, this year may be marked by a significant milestone such as a birth, the start of a new school, a graduation, a marriage, retirement, or a new job. For others it may seem like just another in a lineup of years that pass somewhat routinely from one to another.

As humans, we tend to mark our lives through milestones, or destinations. When we take a trip, we’re eager to get to our final destination. When we’re anticipating one of the milestones in the first paragraph, we can get frustrated by the situations (and sometimes even people) that get in the way, or the small things that need to be accomplished while we’re looking forward to a significant event.

I have been trying to view the journey differently in recent years, seeing life not as a series of distant goals, but daily evaluating what I can learn, enjoy, and appreciate about the here and now; about each step of the journey. I like the quote, “The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything, they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.”

Yes, there can be joy in the journey, in the people we meet, the decisions we face, the unexpected circumstances that threaten to derail our carefully laid plans, or the surprise opportunities to notice and appreciate the little things each and every day.

Best wishes as you journey through 2013—may you find happiness in making the most of everything that comes your way!