I recently saw a school sign which read, “Change is inevitable…growth is optional.” I’ve been reflecting on that for a few weeks, and wanted to share some of my thoughts with you. Let’s look at the first half of the quote this week, and the second half next week.

Most of us know by now that change is a part of life. We’ve all experienced the kind of change that happens almost on a daily basis, such as last-minute schedule changes, change in temperature or weather, and the minute changes in our own temperament, preferences, and understanding of the world around us. Some change is more significant. By now, we’ve likely learned that even living situations, jobs, relationships, and health can change, sometimes slightly, other times in life-altering ways. Some changes are eagerly anticipated or even pursued by us. Others are dreaded. Some come after advanced notice; others appear suddenly, without warning.

Change generally necessitates other changes. We need to be flexible in order to adapt to the changes we cannot avoid. Some of us are perhaps better at this than others. Individuals with autism spectrum disorders (ASD) may find change to be particularly difficult. Because they struggle with generalization (learning from experience and applying that to novel situations) and have difficulty making accurate guesses about why things happen the way they do (as well as how they could respond most effectively), much of life seems random to them. To compensate for this and to keep themselves more comfortable, they tend to grasp onto those things which are predictable, including routines, schedules, calendars, and clocks. Often the more predictable their surroundings are, the more they are able to handle the physical, emotional, sensory, and social demands of life. However, since change is inevitable, we need to find ways to help them cope with change and adapt as they go.

Visual strategies (such as those contained in the book by Linda Hodgdon), The Social Response Pyramid™, Social Stories™, “The Incredible 5-Point Scale,” and sensory integration techniques can often help parents and professionals working with individuals who have difficulty with change. Resources such as these can give them tools for understanding the need for change or dealing with it more effectively.

Next week we’ll examine the second half of the quote, “Change is inevitable…growth is optional.”

Let’s have an exciting week as we navigate change together!

On a recent trip to the lake, I began conversing with a family sitting on a dock with fishing lines in the water. One of the young children informed me that they hadn’t caught anything yet, but he was still having fun. (His brother told me that if he caught anything, he would turn it into fish sticks!) Their dad explained that he had noticed how easily the boys gravitated toward sitting on the couch watching TV or playing video games, and he decided it was time to get them outdoors and involved in other pursuits!

I wish more people would do the same! Don’t get me wrong; there’s nothing inherently wrong with electronics. In fact, I’m very thankful for my phone, computer, and occasionally my TV, and on very rare occasions, I enjoy playing video games with my kids (it’s the only time I’m good at bowling)! The problem is that most people either cannot or do not use electronics in moderation. Instead of using them as helpful tools, they end up wasting time, including days, months, and even years of their lives…if you don’t believe me, just do the math!

Research has shown that electronics can cause an addiction that triggers the same area of the brain as alcohol and drugs. (Click here for one interesting link; there are many more if you are interested in studying this further, and we will post others on Facebook throughout the week.) So if you or your child has difficulty turning off a computer, video game, or television, you may want to consider whether the desire to “relax,” or to “connect with friends,” or to “play a few games” has ventured beyond something on which you can place healthy limits. You may need to ask yourself the same questions I often ask myself:

-       Do electronics interfere with my opportunities and ability to connect with my family, friends, and other loved ones?

-       Do electronics interfere with my health (weight, exercise, cardiovascular functioning, mental and emotional health)?

-       Do electronics take up more time than productive work, either at home or in the community?

-       Are electronics interfering with my ability to succeed at school, at work, or in relationships?

Part of using electronics successfully instead of having them control our lives is defining their role and appropriate usage. A few years ago I developed “electronic contracts” to use at home with my own teenagers. The discussions they sparked have been invaluable for ensuring that we are all on the same page regarding the expectations for the use of phones, computers, television, and video games, and that we have established suitable consequences (both positive and negative) for either following or for not meeting them. (You can purchase the contracts in a pdf document at http://socialincites.com/resources-by-laurel-falvo.html).  

Although there is much debate as to whether the following quote is attributable to Albert Einstein, as some claim, it is a point worth pondering:

            I fear the day that technology will surpass our human interaction. The world will have a generation of idiots.

Regardless of who said it, I’ve seen some interesting groupings of photos accompanying that quote, all depicting people huddled over their electronics, interacting with a small box rather than the people seated around them. And I’m guessing most of us have seen (or been a part of) similar situations!

There are some interesting research articles and personal perspectives regarding the use of electronics. This week we’ll share some of those on Facebook for those who are interested in reading more. Regardless of the “pros” and “cons” of electronics, we know that there are numerous benefits to using them in moderation, making sure we control them, and not the other way around!

Best wishes as you grow personally and interpersonally (because of or in spite of electronics)!

Do you wear sunglasses? Summertime in Michigan is a time when many people wear them to the beach and on other outdoor outings. Sunglasses are tinted to keep out harmful sun rays, and to protect the eyes from bright light and glares. I have two pairs of sunglasses—one tinted grey, and the other tinted brown. I was surprised to try on my husband’s sunglasses once, and find that everyone around me looked like they were sunburned! I quickly realized that Steve’s sunglasses are tinted red.
 
What do sunglasses and social insight have in common?
 
When we wear sunglasses, we’re generally aware that the colors we see may be affected by the tinting on our glasses. Social insight reminds us that all of our perceptions of people around us are colored by our own CONTEXT, or our past experiences, our interests, personality, abilities, beliefs, expectations, feelings, cultural background, and more! Of course, our perceptions also affect our responses. So we sometimes end up responding in a way that isn’t very effective. Here are some examples:
 
- A teacher hears that he is going to have a student with Asperger Syndrome in his class next year. He has either met a person with Asperger’s before, or has done some research on (or heard stories about) Asperger’s. Through those experiences, he has developed a negative impression of Asperger Syndrome. When the student arrives, the teacher has already formed expectations about the student’s behaviors, academic functioning, social skills, etc., before knowing anything about this student’s unique personality, interests, or abilities. The teacher’s interactions with that student are colored by the teacher’s own CONTEXT, and unless the teacher is open to learning new things about this student, they are beginning the year with a reduced likelihood that they will be able to interact effectively with each other.
 
-A shopper sees a child throwing a tantrum in the middle of a store. The seemingly frazzled mother is bent over the child, talking calmly and quietly while the child kicks and screams. Exasperated, the other shopper rolls her eyes and says, “Lady, you need to learn how to control your child!” What she doesn’t realize is that the child is tired, has sensory issues, has been diagnosed with autism, and has just been steered away from the aisle filled with action figures—a passion of his. While his mother generally does a great job of parenting this young boy and managing his special needs, today these various factors came together to produce a major meltdown. Unfortunately, the lack of social insight and awareness of different CONTEXTS has left two adult shoppers feeling frustrated, and may keep the child from being exposed to shopping experiences for a while, robbing him of an opportunity to learn valuable skills for being successful in that and other environments.
 
-An employer conducts an interview with a young man who has difficulty making eye contact, and seems to struggle to find the words to answer the questions directed at him. While the young man has submitted an excellent resume demonstrating training related to the job in question, and has glowing references from teachers, the person doing the hiring is left feeling uncomfortable with the mannerisms displayed by the applicant. Rather than seeking to understand why the applicant appears awkward, or looking beyond the mannerisms to take time to experience the skills that this person could bring to the workplace, the employer decides to find another potential employee. Both people have missed out on an opportunity to grow their personal insight and skills and to grow this business through the benefits that would have been discovered if this young man had been given a chance!
 
Our knowledge, experience, personality, interests, and expectations can help us interact more effectively with others. Unfortunately, they can also hinder our interactions if we rely on our own CONTEXT to interpret others’ responses rather than taking the time to discover where their responses are coming from.
 
Best wishes as you continue to promote social insight and social effectiveness all around the world!

Daily, we are faced with a multitude of social choices. Should we tell the truth about another person's appearance, or should we either remain silent or tell a "white lie?" Should we tell someone about something we've seen or heard that is bothering us, or would that be "tattling?" Should we go along with what someone is asking us to do, or risk rejection by turning them down? How can we patch up a relationship with someone who has wronged us, or whom we have wronged? How can we keep our emotions from causing us to lose control of our temper?

Often, the presence of a diagnosis like autism spectrum disorder (ASD) can complicate such questions. There may be missing information that needs to be taught before these situations can be addressed successfully. For example, what exactly is a "white lie," and how is it different from an outright lie? Although we teach and promote honesty, when is it okay (or even socially effective) to tell a white lie? What is the difference between "tattling" and enlisting the help of a responsible adult when faced with a situation that affects someone's safety or emotional wellbeing? When should we do what others are telling us to do, and how do we judge their intent or protect our own values when their requests go against what we believe or have been instructed? What tools are available to help us manage our relationships and our emotions?

A social coach can help individuals sort out some of these questions so that they are better equipped to successfully navigate social situations. Social coaching can provide needed instruction, role-playing, a step-by-step plan, and more. A social coach can also assist families who struggle to develop new patterns of interacting with a child who is growing up and needing (but possibly resisting) added responsibilities, opportunities to make their own effective choices, and to experience natural consequences.

Many of us function as social coaches, perhaps without even realizing it. We function as social coaches when we model effective interactions with others (yes, we're often being watched), when we provide information about the choices we're making (and the thought process that led to those choices), and when we take time to provide necessary instruction to others. The process begins in infancy, as parents, grandparents, and childcare providers teach children basic manners along with society's rules, both spoken and unspoken. It continues throughout our lifetime, as even adults find that we sometimes need gentle correction from trusted friends and family members when we commit social errors.

Sometimes we're faced with complicated situations which go beyond our own ability and experience. That's when we need to enlist the help of others who may have information to help us get unstuck, or to lead us toward successful outcomes. You may have individuals in your community who can help in that way. I am also available to talk with you by phone, Skype, email, or in person, as you work to determine the next step in a variety of situations. If you need help answer pressing questions and determining an action plan, or would like someone to hold you accountable for the choices and the progress you make, our social coaching services are available for a nominal cost (as little as $40/hour for 6 sessions). More information about social coaching (including purchasing information) is available here. 

Social coaching, whether it's done informally or formally, is an important component of growing personally and interpersonally!

On January 16, 2012 I wrote a Social Incites entitled, “First Year Lessons for Lifelong Success.” It detailed four components-- “nourishing, growing, connecting, and contributing”--that I believe are necessary for healthy, well-balanced living, and deliberate personal and interpersonal growth.

I developed a lesson on these components that summer to challenge our children to spend their summer deliberately growing. I created a spreadsheet with ten areas for each day, divided between the four categories. Each night the kids (ages 9-17) would choose activities to satisfy the requirements of those areas, just 20 minutes for each of the ten areas. It was fun to see how quickly they caught on, and creatively suggested a 40-minute bike ride with a friend as a way to fill in two segments, one under “nourishing” (exercising) and one under “connecting” (spending meaningful time with others). One of my sons began mowing the lawn for a neighbor with a disability. His 40-minute mowing sessions satisfied the requirements for one segment of “nourishing” (as he got necessary exercise), and one of “contributing,” (giving back to our neighbor).

Babysitting for their baby brother, writing a note to a grandparent or friend, helping with chores around the house, planning and cooking meals, reading a book, playing board games, and even occasionally playing a video game with a sibling became choices they made to meet the expectations laid out in the spreadsheet. Instead of creating lots of rules for the summer, or trying to find activities for our kids to do, or letting them default to video games and surfing the Internet, this spreadsheet became an excellent tool to raise our kids’ awareness of other meaningful activities that they should be engaging in, and gave them a lot of freedom to make their own healthy choices.

My husband and I would approve the kids’ choices the night before, or make suggestions for other activities if we determined that their choices wouldn’t work for some reason. The kids colored in the squares on their spreadsheet as they completed each task, and at the end of the day, were paid 10 cents for each completed 20-minute square. We had a separate spreadsheet to help them track their earnings, savings, and charitable giving.

It was exciting to see how our children rose to the challenge presented by the “Summer Growth Chart!” They liked the opportunity to make most of their own choices for how they would spend their time. Through the summer weeks, they got better at identifying creative ways to engage their minds, be productive, and interact with others in meaningful ways. Our family summer chore list got completed as the kids stepped through cleaning vehicles and the garage, organizing closets, helping to plan family vacations, and more! And they grew financially, not only because they earned money, but because they learned valuable lessons about tracking their income and expenses, saving, and donating to worthy causes.

The lessons learned that summer are still evident! Our son who was mowing the neighbor’s lawn is still doing that regularly, even though he is also working two jobs and volunteering in the community. Our daughter is her little brother’s best playmate, and has also been doing math flashcards without prompting. And video games are only requested very infrequently—our kids are too busy growing personally and interpersonally to default to those!

When I give presentations to parents and professionals around the United States, attendees often request the “Summer Growth Chart” after hearing how I implemented that at home. I now have that document available for purchase as a pdf download. I hope that it will incite parents and teachers to structure learning and growth opportunities at home and at school, to allow yourselves and your children/students to grow personally and interpersonally!

A common occurrence toward the end of a pregnancy is something known as “nesting.” This is an instinct that causes a mother-to-be to make last-minute preparations for the arrival of her little one.

I well remember experiencing this phenomenon prior to the birth of my first child, who turned 19 years old this past weekend. I remember putting the finishing details on the nursery, stocking the freezer with meal options, and washing and arranging all the little clothing items (many of which didn’t ever fit him, because he arrived much larger than anticipated, at 9 pounds 7 ounces).

Our family “nest” has changed over the years, as we moved from one home to another, and added other family members. My oldest is preparing to “leave the nest;” soon I will help him set up his dorm room for his first year of college. I hope that someday he will establish his own “nest” as he makes decisions about education, career, family, ministry, friendships, and more. Many of you may be a few steps beyond me, having “empty nests” as your children have grown and moved on to other things. (Since I also have a two-year-old, it will likely be awhile before my nest is empty!)

These changes may go smoothly for some, and less smoothly for others. For various reasons, some people may never fully leave the “nest,” but may rely on their parents longer than others. I think, however, that these are instincts that are instilled in us, whether or not we are able to fully indulge them. There are many ways we as parents can prepare our children to leave our nests and establish their own, beginning at a very young age, and continuing throughout their childhoods. Next week I’ll write more about those.

Where are you in this “nesting” cycle? Have you set specific goals and action plans (next steps) for continuing to move (yourself and your children) forward successfully?

Best wishes as you make the most of the “nest” you’re in currently, and make plans for any “nests” which may yet come your way!

About a year ago I was backing out of our driveway, keeping a close eye on the vehicle my son had parked off to the side to ensure that I wouldn’t hit it. I suddenly heard a sickening “thud” as I remembered that my husband had likely parked his vehicle behind mine when he came home from work the previous night.

My car now has a small dent in the back bumper to match the dent in my wounded pride. Although I was initially tempted to be frustrated with my husband (who hadn’t cleaned out his half of the garage to be able to keep a vehicle inside), I had to admit that the accident was no one’s fault other than my own. Each time I see the dent I am reminded of how quickly accidents can happen—and the need to be more alert to my surroundings.

My oldest son has a driver’s license. As I waited for him to meet me at a doctor’s appointment soon after that incident, I suddenly realized that for the rest of my life, I will be wondering where he is, and whether he’s safe. I’ve learned important lessons in “letting go,” but am becoming more aware daily that a parent’s job is never really done. I agonized so long over my son completing his practice hours, and then taking the test to get his driver’s license, that I never really thought about what it would really mean to have him driving independently.

Thankfully, he has been a very careful driver, and has not yet had an accident. Hopefully my incident will help temper my response if ever he does have an accident, as I have personally experienced the reality that it can happen to anyone!

And now that I’ve given myself this pep-talk, I can proceed through driver’s training with my second son. He’s already been told by his instructors that it’s always better to not be the first driver in a family—apparently other moms and dads tend to relax more with subsequent children, too!

If you are familiar with autism, you know that autism spectrum disorders are often referred to by the acronym “ASD,” and people who do not have autism are often referred to as “neurotypicals,” or NT’s. There is extensive information about how people get diagnosed with ASD, primarily based on observable behaviors in a variety of settings falling into three basic categories: language and communication, social interaction, and imagination/routines/interests.

Yet why do we diagnose some people as having autism, and then simply refer to the rest informally as neurotypicals? Wouldn’t it make more sense to also diagnose people with “NT?” To my knowledge, there is no research or practical application of this concept. So based on my years as a self-diagnosed NT, and having had many years of experience with both people with autism and people without autism, I think the following should be considered partial criteria for diagnosing someone with NT:

-       INCONSISTENCY: To qualify as an “NT” a person must exhibit inconsistency in all three categories. An NT will demonstrate inconsistency in their use of language (not matching words with meaning, but assigning a hidden meaning to words that cannot be taken literally), social interaction (treating some people differently than others, acting as though they are one person with one group of individuals, and acting another way with another group, or developing unwritten social rules but not following those consistently across contexts), and imagination/routines/interests (imagining things that cannot really happen, not adhering to specific routines but changing them often, and having interests that are not particularly well-developed or consistent).Other labels which could be assigned to NT’s include: disingenuous, dishonest, disinterested, distrustful, and distracted.

-       LACK OF FOCUS: An NT is characteristically easily distracted by a wide variety of people, interests, conversations, abilities, fears, and tasks. Rather than having a singular focus, they are frequently noted to “multi-task” with their activities, interactions, and emotions. Brain research has identified that the brain is incapable of focusing on more than one thought or activity at any given time. Given that reality, an NT can frequently be observed to use the excuse of “multi-tasking” to waste time, money, talents, and even valuable relationships.

When I give presentations about autism, I frequently have attendees approach me and say, “Wow—that sounds just like my son/daughter/spouse/parent/co-worker!” Occasionally someone will even say, “You described me the entire time!” So I’m curious, now that you have heard the beginning of a list of “diagnostic criteria” for neurotypicals, are you also noting the people in your life who fit this “diagnosis?” Are you a self-diagnosed NT?

OK, so today’s Social Incites™ may be a bit uncharacteristically “tongue-in-cheek.” But I hope it “incites” you to think more about diagnoses and what they mean. Do they define you? Do we allow them to define others? Do we like the attention they draw to the negative aspects of a person’s abilities, functioning, etc.? Is there a better way to view and respond to each other???

If you’ve read to the end of today’s article, congratulations on “thinking outside the box!” I thank you for considering perspectives which might not have occurred to you before. I especially want to thank some of my friends (who happen to be diagnosed with ASD) for raising my awareness of the inconsistencies in the way we do diagnosing, and consequently, the way we perceive and interact with others who are “not typical.”

I’m guessing you’re familiar with the saying, “Think outside the box.” We know that it refers to trying something new, but what exactly is “the box?”

If you’re familiar with my Social Response Pyramid™, you know that the basis of the Pyramid is the fact that we each have a unique “starting point,” or CONTEXT. It is comprised of our past experiences and how we feel about them, our personality, emotions, interests, abilities, challenges, expectations, fears, etc. It is the bottom red portion of the Pyramid, and for each of us, it is essentially “our box!”

Our individual CONTEXT represents what’s comfortable and familiar for a person. For most of us, it defines the concept “normal,” as in, “Normal is whatever is familiar and comfortable to me.” When we think “outside the box,” we are demonstrating a willingness to step outside our own “comfort zone;” to go beyond the boundaries of things we’ve previously experienced, considered, preferred, or believed to be true.

So, how big is your box? Do you regularly expand the boundaries of your CONTEXT to include new ideas, information, people, and experiences? Do you look for or welcome new opportunities to learn and grow? Do you make room for other people’s ideas, emotions, and responses?

There are times when it is tempting to hold tightly to our “box,” without considering other ways of thinking, feeling, and responding. Yet thinking, feeling, and responding “outside the box” is a great way to meet our needs (nourish), grow, connect, and contribute—all essential components of growing personally and interpersonally!

How will you extend the confines of your CONTEXT (or “box”) this week? Feel free to email me your ideas and stories, or comment on this article on Facebook or here!