Throughout our lifetime, we interact within relationships with a wide variety of people. These might include parents, siblings, grandparents and other extended family members, a spouse, sons or daughters, co-workers, supervisors, neighbors, doctors, teachers, friends, etc.

Healthy relationships help each person to grow personally and interpersonally. Unhealthy relationships do not allow for the growth of each individual. Yet it can sometimes be difficult to identify a healthy relationship, or to know how to foster one. Here are some general guidelines:

In a healthy relationship, each person is committed to being:

1.     COACHABLE: Being coachable is like providing good soil for a seed to flourish. A person who is coachable demonstrates that he/she wants to keep growing. Coachable people are open to all three types of coaching (1. Lead coaching, or learning from someone who is considered to have more information, authority, or experience; 2. Peer coaching, or taking turns giving and receiving information and ideas from other people; 3. Self-coaching, or using a variety of strategies to manage his/her own emotions, stay organized, be productive, meet others’ expectations, and continue growing personally and interpersonally). A person who is coachable is committed to identifying his/her personal strengths and challenges and developing strategies to keep growing both personally and interpersonally.

2.     RESPECTFUL: People in a healthy relationship are respectful to each other in the way they interact while they are together and when they are apart. Respect is used to foster personal and interpersonal growth (social, emotional, mental, spiritual, financial, physical, etc.), not to get something for one person. Respect is consistently evident in a person’s words and actions.

 

3.     BALANCED: People in a balanced relationship recognize that they are “equal,” and continue to work toward a healthy balance in their relationship.  While one person might have more information, authority, or experience than another, every effort is made to create an environment where continued growth is encouraged and fostered.

4.     HONEST/TRANSPARENT: In order to maintain a healthy relationship, each person needs to be honest and transparent, as these qualities build trust and are one way to show respect for each other and to build a balanced relationship.

Overall, are you engaged in healthy relationships? How can you continue to nurture and celebrate those? Do you have some unhealthy relationships in your life? How can you work to improve those, or are there some that are beyond repair at this time?

What will you do to promote healthy relationships this week?

**NOTE: Trudy Ludwig has written several beautiful children's books to help teach children about healthy relationships, including, My Secret Bully.

A popular TV commercial questioning, "What's in YOUR wallet?" often attempted to convince people that the credit card they carry in their wallet can drastically affect the outcome of the situations they encounter. In a similar way, I believe that our social insight (or "social toolbox") can help to determine whether or not we will be socially effective in our interactions with others.

Our social toolbox consists primarily of what we are able to do, and what we know, think, believe, feel, and have experienced (which is also MY CONTEXT, from the Social Response Pyramid™). Those "tools" form the basis of our expectations for ourselves and others. Our toolbox differs from that of everyone else around us. We're continually adding to it as we learn or experience new things, and as we adapt our available tools to deal with novel situations.

Just as important as knowing which tools are available to us is knowing how to use them! In order to do that effectively, we need to be able to accurately interpret not only our own social toolbox, but also the social context (who is here with us, what tools they have available to them, and what their expectations are) and make effective choices based on that information.

We know that as a "social disability," the presence of an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) or other diagnoses  or difficulties (mental illness, depression, cognitive disabilities, sensory processing disorder, etc.) can make it difficult for people to accurately assess their own social toolbox, and to select the necessary tools to interact effectively with others. However, their toolboxes, also, are continually expanding and changing. And the role of parents, teachers, friends, and others who promote social understanding is to provide strategies that enable them to become more interdependent. Our collective goal should be to become more socially effective as we live, study, and work together in a variety of contexts.

I'm looking forward to talking more about this topic with an audience of dental professionals next week in St. Joseph, Michigan, as together we explore the Social Response Pyramid(TM) and use it to develop practical tools to help patients and professionals to interact more successfully. (More information about the Pyramid is available at www.socialincites.com including free templates and instructions).

As you assess your own social toolbox, I hope you're able to celebrate the knowledge and experience that you possess, the relationships that are important to you, the personality traits that enable you to be successful in a variety of contexts, and the strategies that you are continuing to add to your repertoire as you interact with others. You are an important part of the process of promoting social success!

 

I was diagnosed with myopia when I was in fifth grade. That means that until I received my prescription glasses, I was able to read my textbook close-up, but not the chalkboard in front of the room. I've worn corrective lenses ever since to help me see things far away.

A funny thing happened a few years ago when I went to the eye doctor. Well, I'll admit it doesn't feel very funny. It seems that in the process of aging, I now need bifocals, since I'm no longer nearsighted nor farsighted! The fact that I find it difficult to read books or my computer screen while wearing glasses proves the doctor's point.

It has struck me that there's a hidden truth here related to social insight. Many of us have "social myopia." We can readily see what we do well, but tend to be blinded to the gifts and abilities of others. Or perhaps on the flip side, we think we're the only ones who feel overwhelmed, sad, frustrated, lonely, financially pinched, etc., while overlooking the fact that many others feel the same way.

As we examine the process of social insight, we can sometimes recognize a need for "social reading glasses." These would help with our tendency to see things "my way" (or according to MY CONTEXT)--in a somewhat distorted version of reality where neither our own abilities/challenges nor those of others are seen with great clarity or accuracy.

Obtaining "social corrective lenses" may not be as simple as driving to the nearest optical shop, yet it need not be overly difficult. Here are a few steps to steer us in the right direction:

1. Recognize the problem. Identify in yourself one or two areas which could use improvement (if we're honest, there are usually at least that many)!

2. Distance yourself. When I was 13, my mom's complaint that her "arms were too short" seemed both strange and funny. Sorry, Mom--I'm not laughing anymore! Without reading glasses or bifocals, I find that I also have to hold small print farther away in order to be able to read it. Sometimes we need to take a real or imaginary step back from a social situation in order to see it, understand it, and respond to it more effectively.

3. Keep learning. Ask questions of the people with whom you live and work--without assuming you already know the answers. Attempt to get to know them and to see things from their perspective. Utilize resources such as "The Hidden Curriculum" (Brenda Smith Myles) to better understand the social information that those with autism spectrum disorders (ASD) may be missing, and how you can help.

A glance at a dictionary confirms that "myopia" is "nearsightedness; a condition of the eye when objects are seen distinctly only when near the eye." However, a second definition is this: "lack of foresight or discernment." Now there's a social point to ponder!

Best wishes for improved social foresight and discernment, which will likely benefit both you and those with whom you live and work!

There’s a familiar saying, “The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.” Just as a farm animal might be seen gazing longingly at the land just beyond its own pasture, we humans may also experience the feeling that something else may be better than what we have. Maybe you can identify with one or more of these possibilities:

-       Others seem to have a nicer house, vehicle, neighborhood, possessions, or employment

-       Another teacher might have been a better “fit” for your son/daughter

-       A change to a new neighborhood, school, or job might provide better resources or fewer frustrations

-       Others don’t seem to struggle as much financially, socially, emotionally, etc.

Sometimes these are legitimate facts. Awareness of “greener grass” in another area might be considered practicality, honesty, or insight. It might spur us on to making healthy changes in our own life. However, it might also be envy, discontent, or jealousy, all of which may cause us to shut down or to make ineffective choices that may harm our ability to grow personally or interpersonally.

How can we be effective in dealing with this tendency to see other things as preferable to what we have? I recently read a revised “greener grass” quote which I think provides valuable insight:

“The grass is always greener where it is watered.”

What a beautiful way to illustrate our Social Incites, LLC motto of “growing personally and interpersonally!” Achieving our goals, being content with what we have, building healthy relationships, growing financially, socially, spiritually, emotionally, etc. all require “watering,” or deliberate tending. Gratitude, respect, honesty, compassion, forgiveness, and a variety of intentional strategies are all necessary components of healthy growth within our own “pastures.”

Are there areas in your life that are already flourishing? Be thankful for those today! Are there others that are lacking, and pale in comparison to what you perceive that others have? Find ways to water those each day, and see if you experience growth in one or more of those areas this week!

Last week my daughter shared one of her favorite children’s books with her 2-year-old brother. It’s a delightful children’s book entitled, “Three Cheers for Tacky,” one of a series of Tacky books by Helen Lester.
 
Tacky is a young penguin who lives in “a nice icy land.” But like the popular idiom suggests, when compared to the other penguins, Tacky “sticks out like a sore thumb.” He dresses differently than the others (usually in a Hawaiian shirt, as opposed to their penguin tuxedos), and although he tries very hard to please, attempting to do things the way others want him to, he always manages to do something unexpected. He comes across as clumsy, forgetful, and far too LOUD…yet always happy and pleasant! While such a series could get monotonous, or even depressing, instead, someone in Tacky’s “social context” always manages to appreciate Tacky’s efforts—and even his shortcomings—and this contagious spirit affects the others to the point that as the story ends, everyone is laughing with Tacky instead of at him, and is appreciating the benefits of having Tacky as a part of their community. Each book ends with the words, “Tacky was an odd bird, but a nice bird to have around.”
 
Many of the people in our homes, classrooms, places of worship, job sites, and communities could be compared to Tacky the Penguin. They may or may not try to comply with others’ expectations, but they almost always seem to fall short. They may dress differently, be too loud or too quiet, and conduct themselves in a physically and socially clumsy way.
 
Do we respond to them in a way that enables all of us to experience a “happy ending?” I once heard about a children’s choir director who was criticized for a student who was “wiggly” during a performance. The person complaining requested that next time, the child be “hidden” in the back so that he or she wouldn’t be a “distraction” to the audience. My heart sank when I heard this story. This was a child who struggles to conform to others’ expectations while battling typical childish wiggles, along with attention deficit disorder (ADD) and Asperger Syndrome. The complainer in this story missed a great opportunity to encourage this little one in his efforts to use his time and talents to benefit others, and to perhaps build a trusting, mutually respectful relationship where the adult could someday hope to help this little one develop strategies for meeting others’ expectations.
 
It’s important to teach our children and young people about the expectations of others. To a large degree, their success depends on it! However, we also need to make sure that we are allowing ourselves to enjoy the enthusiasm, wholehearted efforts, and creative expressions of those with whom we live and work. We need to give them opportunities to use their gifts in meaningful ways, along with plenty of encouragement and support to ensure that they feel good about their efforts, and can experience success…even if it doesn’t always turn out the way we expect.
 
Best wishes to all of you living and working with “Tacky”…and to all the “odd birds” who may be reading this. A little bit of social insight can lead to many happy endings for all of us, and help us all to be a little nicer to be around!

Are you busy? I know that the term “busy” is relative, and difficult to adequately define. Yet you likely know what it feels like to be busy, either occasionally, or often.
 
How do you deal with busyness? How do you keep from getting completely overwhelmed? If you don’t count “organization” as one of your personal strengths, if your commitments seem to outnumber the hours in a day, or if you’re a person with autism, sensory processing disorder, or depression or anxiety, are there ways to cope successfully with the pressures while still managing responsibilities?
 
I’ve gleaned several tips over the years from personal and professional experience:

1.     Prioritize activities and commitments. It’s easy to go through life simply doing everything that comes our way without thinking through the best use of our time and talents. Sometimes keeping a written “to do” list can provide satisfaction as items are completed, and can help us identify the most important things that should be done first, and give us a system for remembering those that can wait until later.

2.     Know when and how to say “no.” This is easier for some people than for others. At times, I have had to practice saying this before replying to a request to fill a volunteer position or take on some other commitment. Another person might be disappointed to hear us say, “This sounds like a great opportunity, but I won’t be able to help/join you this time.” Yet it may be the best thing we can say at this point in time to maintain our own health or well-being.

3.     Find a way to structure time and responsibilities. Developing a routine (for meals, sleep, homework/housework, etc.), even when busyness creates some chaos, can help people stay calm and maintain focus. Using a calendar or other organizational system can help us remember the important commitments, as long as we remember to check it! As we’re teaching others how to structure their time, it’s important to help them find a system that works for them. Some individuals work better with paper and pencil, others with a computer program or app, still others with a watch that has alarms that can beep at important points throughout the day.

4.     Take care of yourself. Maintain your physical and emotional health by exercising, eating right, and getting enough sleep. Sensory breaks, relaxing hobbies, and time with loved ones are all essential to our overall well-being. It’s easy to think that there isn’t time for these when we’re facing countless high-priority responsibilities, yet we will be unable to do many of those if we’re not feeling well!

5.     Get help when needed. Any one of the above steps may require assistance from someone else. Often a fresh perspective, an encouraging word, or practical assistance may be the key to successfully managing the busyness of our lives.
 
Whether or not you’re facing a busy week, I hope it’ll be a good one! Feel free to share your tips for managing busyness either on our Facebook page or on our blog. And please let us know if there’s anything we can do to assist you! Successfully managing busyness can help all of us as we continue our lifelong journey of growing personally and interpersonally!

When I provide trainings for parents and teachers, or am working with individuals and families, I often talk about social effectiveness, and the importance of keeping “socially effective responses” as our primary goal in interacting with others. I outline the differences between what I call “authentic responses,” and those which are socially effective.

An authentic response is one which we generate without thinking. It’s a genuine response to how we’re feeling, what we know, what we’ve experienced in the past, what we’re expecting, what our abilities and current needs are, etc. It stems from who we are as individuals at that given moment in time. One person’s authentic response to a situation may be completely different than another person’s authentic response to the same situation. And in fact, one person’s authentic responses may change over time or with changed circumstances. Consider this: What would you do or say if you stubbed your toe while walking? That’s an authentic response—a genuine response to pain and surprise. Depending on the level of pain, or how tired or stressed you are, or your current favorite vocabulary for expressing pain and surprise, your authentic response may be different on one day than it is on another. But it’s not likely to be exactly the same as everyone else around you.

Sometimes, authentic responses work very well! If we’re alone at home and stub a toe while walking, that particular word we utter may work for us; it may make us feel a little better, even if it doesn’t exactly remove the pain. But if we utilize the same authentic response in other social contexts, for example, a crowded board room as members are gathered to review our performance, or walking into a crowded concert hall or theater after the performance has started, it’s not likely to work with the other people gathered around us, which in turn affects how they think about us and interact with us. We may respond authentically to a funny joke by laughing out loud. This may work effectively to get others to laugh along with us. However, if this happens in the middle of math class when we’re supposed to be listening to the teacher or working quietly on an assignment, it isn’t likely to be socially effective; in fact, it may get us into trouble! An authentic response used in the wrong social context is not likely to help us be socially effective!

A socially effective response is one which utilizes the strategies available to us, combined with an awareness and understanding of those around us, to choose a response that’s likely to work with the other people in our current social context.

I believe that in general, there are two basic types of social contexts. When using The Social Response Pyramid(TM) in my parenting and educating, I represent these with two shapes: a circle and a rectangle. These are not to be taken literally in terms of their shape; instead, they represent a type of interaction. The circular social context is when we are deliberately interacting with other people. This context occurs at the dinner table when family or friends are gathered to eat and converse, in class when a teacher is interacting with students, and in a staff meeting at a school, business, or organization. In this type of social context, people may more readily see the need to be thinking about others in the interaction, and responding in a way that works for both themselves and others. When we are truly alone, we are not being social, and therefore are not part of a social context. However, there are times when we may think we’re alone, without considering the fact that we’re actually part of another type of social context, which I represent with a rectangle. This is when we’re acting alone (in our bedroom doing homework when our family is downstairs, or walking through a shopping mall without talking to anyone), when in fact we’re surrounded by other people who we need to be thinking about to ensure that we can still be socially effective.

Notice that as I define it, a social context isn’t a physical location; it’s a type of interaction! In other words, it’s more about people than place. A circular social context can be found at school as four students are working on a group project, deciding what their topic will be, dividing up the work, coming together to discuss their results, etc. It can also be found when a cluster of students is gathered in the hallway to talk about what they did last night. A social context represented by a rectangle can also found at school, as students pass each other, walking through the halls toward their next class, or as they sit in study hall, each working on their own homework. (Note that there can be overlapping or co-existing social contexts; one or more circular contexts within a rectangular one, or some people interacting closely, with others sharing the same space, but not interacting with them.)

Obviously, people differ from one another in their ability to adequately “read” and respond effectively to the social context. One hallmark of autism spectrum disorders (ASD) is that people with ASD struggle with this. Their challenges in the areas of executive functioning, theory of mind, emotional/social intelligence, boundary intelligence, gestalt processing, etc. create gaps in their ability to make necessary connections with others and experience social success. But they’re not the only ones who experience challenges and gaps in these areas! Although these “building blocks of social development” develop throughout our lives, different people develop them at different rates, and to different degrees. Our age, experiences, personality, abilities, preconceived ideas, sensory and other needs, and more, can all affect our understanding of the social context (and our connection to it) and our ability to produce socially effective responses.

Would you like more information about how we can increase understanding of social contexts? We have a variety of recommended resources on this site. 

Fortunately, we all have the wonderful capacity to continue learning and growing. And we all have ongoing opportunities to better understand ourselves and others, and to continue working toward being socially effective!

If you have children (or if you can remember your own childhood), you’ve likely heard or asked the question, “Are we there yet?” Often while traveling, a parent may hear a young child recite this question seemingly endlessly. Many of us have experienced the restlessness that comes with being on a long journey, and can identify with the desire to arrive at our destination, or at least to know whether we’ll be arriving soon.

When traveling in the northern region of the lower peninsula of Michigan, people can see a sign stating, “45th Parallel…half-way between the equator and the north pole.” Of course, when I see the sign, I’m not on a journey all the way from the equator to the north pole, but I still like knowing exactly where I am in relation to both of those.

In fact, I’d often like to know exactly where I am in my life journey. Am I closer to the beginning or the end of my attempt to potty-train my 2-year-old? And when exactly do the “terrible twos” begin and end? Others might wonder if they’re nearing the end of their job search, if they’re making progress in their attempts to heal a broken relationship, or if they’re getting any closer to making a new friend. Will this student ever grasp a difficult math concept? Is this business going to turn a profit this year? Is another round of chemotherapy going to eradicate the cancer? Will the bank grant another month’s grace before recalling a loan?

Yes, life is full of uncertainties, and we don’t often have the benefit of knowing that we’re “half-way,” or even having any idea of how close we are to the end of a particular life-related journey in our work, parenting, relationships, investments, etc. In fact, none of us knows how many days we have on this earth.

I often remind myself to find joy in the journey. Although destinations are eagerly anticipated, each day is taking us one step farther than we were the day before. Are we making every day count? Are we enjoying the “scenery” (people, events, experiences) along the way? Even if we’re “not there yet,” we can delight in each day, and value the opportunities we encounter along the way to grow both personally and interpersonally!

In our area of West Michigan, school children, parents, school staff, and retailers are gearing up for the back-to-school season. Store aisles are filled with shoppers gathering notebooks, binders, pencils, calculators, and crayons. Teachers are designing bulletin boards and preparing lesson plans. Custodians are polishing floors even as administrators finalize calendars and other details. Families are fitting in last-minute vacations and outings before their children head back into the classroom.

For some students, including many with autism spectrum disorders (ASD), “back to school” may generate either excitement as they anticipate a return to a comfortable routine (for many, the lack of structure during a vacation can be very difficult), or apprehension as they contemplate new, and perhaps unknown, details such as schedules, classmates, teachers, and more.

Following are just a few suggestions for helping students ease back into the school routine after a summer (or other) break:

1.     Start the routine before it’s needed. Don’t wait until the night before school starts to set an earlier bedtime (or an earlier wake-up time the next morning). Begin easing into the school schedule a couple of weeks before school starts. And consider adding other elements that will be present once school starts, perhaps breakfast at an earlier time, and some late afternoon “homework”—working on flashcards, creative writing, household chores, etc. as a way to prepare for upcoming academic pursuits.

2.     Provide students with as much information as possible about the upcoming transition. Can you visit the classroom and meet the teacher? Have a play-date with one or two new classmates? Practice getting on and off a school bus? Drive the route from home to school (and back)? Get a copy of the schedule, and help familiarize the student with it? This type of information—especially the hands-on variety—can ease a lot of anxiety and prepare students for what lies ahead.

3.     Enlist necessary assistance. Do you need to write a letter to your child’s teacher to help that person better understand your child? Perhaps you can discuss your child’s sensory needs with an occupational therapist to line up some strategies for dealing with increased sensory difficulties with the return to school. Are there other parents who can provide valuable information about the school routine, or strategies they’ve used to help their children acclimate to a new school year? (Parents, administrators, and teachers may benefit from my coaching services, receiving personalized assistance via phone, email, Skype, or in person in West Michigan. Together we can brainstorm practical strategies for helping students to transition successfully).

I’m sure that many of you reading this article have additional suggestions for easing back into the school routine. I hope you’ll share those here. Other readers will benefit from your experience and creative ideas!

Last week I told you about a sign which read, “Change is inevitable…growth is optional.” We looked at the first half of that, and I promised that this week we would reflect on the second half.

All people encounter change on almost a daily basis, whether it’s routine, minute change, or major, life-altering change. We know that people with autism spectrum disorders (ASD) tend to have difficulty dealing with change. However, all people respond differently to change. How one person responds to change will usually depend in part on personality, coping style, other factors the person is dealing with concurrently, past experiences and exposure to change, how the change presents itself, and even a person’s age.

The research I’ve done indicates that responses to change tend to be the same as the responses typically associated with grief. Research varies when describing the different ways of responding to grief or change. But most indicate something similar to the following:

Denial: Refusing to accept the change or the need for change;

Anger: Often people will look for someone to blame, and may respond by lashing out at other people—particularly those they choose to blame for the situation, but also others who may be close-by;

Bargaining: Trying to find a way around the change, or trying to substitute other options for the proposed change;

Depression: Sometimes people are so overwhelmed by change that it drags them down emotionally, and they find it difficult to function even in other areas;

Acceptance: Accepting the change, and possibly even feeling empowered by it or enthusiastic about it;

Many people believe that the most important aspect of change is how we respond to it. Last week we looked at the need to be flexible so that we can adapt to change. This week we’re looking at how change can prompt us to grow…if we let it.

“If you don't like something, change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it” (Mary Engelbreit). In other words, there are some changes we can initiate in order to promote progress. When changes are unexpected or unwelcome, we can try to have a positive attitude about them. In fact, we can “Resolve to be a master of change rather than a victim of change” (Brian Tracy) We may not be able to control the situations which force us to think differently about the way we do things, or to respond differently, or those which completely change our circumstances, but we can continue to stay involved in the process in order to help ensure that good can come from it.

Sometimes change can promote emotional growth. When a relationship changes, we learn something about ourselves and may possibly gain skills for maintaining healthy relationships. Other times change can promote financial growth. Many of us are forced to change our spending habits because of dwindling savings accounts or lost income. With time, we may find that we do a better job of saving, and identify fewer things we “need” to spend money on. Change can also promote professional or intellectual growth. Many of us continue to learn new computer skills as our world depends more on electronic communication, banking, and other services. We may be forced to learn other new skills because of a job change or to help our children adapt to change in classroom instructional techniques. If we can maintain a positive attitude about change, and work to avoid denying, resisting, lashing out at, or being overwhelmed by change, we may find that it helps to bring about many new opportunities for growth!

I’ll close with one final quote on change. Okakura Lakuzo once said, “The art of life lies in a constant readjustment to our surroundings.”

Best wishes to all of you as you face new changes this week. Remember that change can promote progress and growth in our lives and in the lives of those with whom we live and work!