“Good manners will open doors that the best education cannot.” (Clarence Thomas) 

It’s true. Displaying good manners is one form of “packaging” that helps to create opportunities for us to contribute to society. The Collins English Dictionary defines “manners” in this way:
1.     Social conduct
2.     A socially acceptable way of behaving

Who defines “a socially acceptable way of behaving?” Generally it’s other people. In many instances, “manners” were determined many years, if not decades or centuries ago. Displaying good manners includes the following:

-       Using words like please, thank you, excuse me, or I’m sorry—accompanied by actions that show that we are sincere.

-       Using our bodies in a way that helps others feel safe and comfortable, and doesn’t draw negative attention to ourselves. This includes chewing with our mouth closed, keeping our hands to ourselves, staying seated or standing when expected, shaking hands or giving a hug to greet someone, politely covering a cough or a sneeze, and holding a door open to allow others to pass through before us, along with waiting our turn in other circumstances.

-       Managing our emotions (excitement, anger, frustration, fear) effectively so that we and others can interact with each other successfully.

People do notice when we use good manners, even though they may not always comment on it. However, people are even more likely to notice when we do NOT use good manners, or when our “mannerisms” are more noticeable than our manners. The World English Dictionary defines a “mannerism” as “a distinctive and individual gesture or trait; idiosyncrasy.” While the connotation of mannerisms isn’t always negative, in our social coaching classes as my husband and I are teaching about the importance of “packaging,” we focus on positive manners that we need to increase, and negative mannerisms that we need to decrease. Mannerisms often draw negative attention to ourselves. Instead of noticing how hard we work, or how polite we are, people notice things like picking (noses, skin, etc.), chewing on things other than food, tapping pencils or bouncing a foot when we’re sitting, and my own weakness, saying, “Um…” when I’m doing public speaking!

My husband recently published a fun book called, The Pick-A-Roo! This is a true story from Steve’s own childhood, which describes a mannerism that drew people’s attention to his younger brother on the baseball field. “He did play the game of baseball quite well, but upon that point, no one would dwell…” This is a great resource for teaching about mannerisms, and helping young people and adults to laugh at our own idiosyncrasies, but also find ways to overcome them when necessary.


Manners and mannerisms are an important component of our packaging and how we present ourselves to others. “Clothes and manners do not make the man; but, when he is made, they greatly improve his appearance.” (Henry Ward Beecher) 

When I was in college, we had a dorm party in which parents sent wrapped gifts, and the female students in my dorm passed a package around while music played, keeping the gift which was in our possession when the music stopped. Girls were allowed to “steal” packages from each other until the game was completed, at which time we would each open the gift that was in our possession at the end of the game. There was one very large, neatly wrapped gift which was “stolen” numerous times during the course of the game. Each student believed that the biggest, most beautiful package was probably also the best. Some parent obviously knew a lot about human nature—and had a great sense of humor—for when the present was finally opened by the “lucky winner” at the end of the game, we discovered that the gift contained several rolls of toilet paper!

One of the lessons I frequently teach to new students is one which I call, “Packaging.” I tell them that I have a gift to give them, and ask which they would prefer to receive. I have one which is contained in a neatly wrapped gift box, and another in a crumpled old brown bag, which I suggest looks like “yesterday’s lunch.” As you might imagine, most students indicate they would rather receive a gift which is packaged neatly and professionally (although there is typically one student in every class who figures there must be a “catch,” and identifies they would rather have the other gift).

After they’ve indicated their preference, I reveal that both presents, although packaged differently, contain the same “gifts.” Inside each, I have note cards on which I’ve written various “gifts” which we all have to give (friendship, forgiveness, time, talents, affirmation, material goods, etc.). 

My point is that we all have a tendency to “judge” the packaging of a gift to determine whether or not we want the gift. The same is true for people and the “gifts” (personality traits, talents, and other resources) we have to offer to others. People are more likely to want to access our many gifts if our “packaging” is neat and professional, rather than seeming like “yesterday’s lunch.” Our packaging is comprised of our hygiene and personal appearance, our manners and mannerisms, our body language, the things we do and say, our voice volume, our language (and whether it’s appropriate), our respect for others, etc. Our packaging is essentially how we “present” ourselves to others, and plays a major role in whether people will readily give us opportunities to share our gifts with them.

Our packaging affects opportunities for friendship, employment, joining conversations, participating fully in social activities like sports and clubs, getting excellent service at restaurants and other businesses, and more. While there are laws reducing discrimination, the reality is that typically, the better our packaging is, the more we will be able to fully access opportunities such as these.

The good news is that there is much we can do to ensure that our packaging appeals to others like a neatly wrapped gift! Our web site contains many recommended resources for teaching skills for social effectiveness.

Best wishes as you “present” yourself to the world this week. May you have many opportunities to share your “gifts” with others!

 

As a teacher and a mother, and a person who does not count math as one of my personal strengths, I have often noted that some people are able to learn a math skill and complete an assignment demonstrating the skill, yet struggle to use the skill effectively when presented with “story problems.” For example, a person might be able to complete an assignment practicing multiplication facts, but have difficulty knowing that this skill is needed when presented with the question, “A school assembly is scheduled for Friday. The custodian has set up 20 rows of chairs, with 30 chairs in each row. How many people are expected to attend the assembly?” Although multiplication is needed to determine that 20x30=600 people, some students may not be able to transfer the skill they’ve just practiced to this “story problem.”

I spoke recently at a dental conference, and had a mom approach me with one of the most priceless insights I’ve ever heard regarding people with autism. She said that her son, who is in his 20’s and has Asperger Syndrome, “Couldn’t do the story problems of life!”

What she was saying is true for most of the people I’ve met who have a diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome and other forms of autism (as well as some other people who do not have a diagnosis). They often can be taught the necessary skills for effective social interactions. They can learn to make greetings, use eye contact, answer questions, take turns, show empathy, etc., but struggle to use the skills “in the moment” during a social interaction..

How do we navigate this reality?

1.     Be understanding. For many of these individuals, it isn’t that they don’t want to interact successfully with other people, or that they are unable to learn. Instead, being empathetic helps to ensure that we approach them with an open mind and the patience that’s needed to move forward successfully.

2.     Provide strategies to help them succeed. Verbal cues, visuals, role-play, and lots of practice can help the skills to become more “automatic,” so that they can be used successfully when needed.

Remember, we all have our strengths, as well as our challenges. When a person has difficulty “doing the story problems of life,” others of us can provide the necessary assistance and support to ensure that everyone in a social interaction can be successful!

This week's Social Incites(TM) is a poem written by Stephanie Hall, a young lady who is a member of our Growth Group and Writer's Group:

Why my mom should be nominated
for mother and woman of the year,
one reason to think this is because
Kathy, Mom and Wayne, dad adopted
Me from the jewel of asia and that takes A lot of hard work, energy, communication and I'm sure there were times I seemed like to be a challenge, but worth it. 

Mom has known me before
I had ADHD or aspergers
She looks at me, but what
She see, isn't what my condition
are and how it effects me, but
she is able to give me love and
protect.

Mom has taught me how to
be a hard worker and a strong
believer in God. Has pushed me
and been there when I first wanted
to sing, to the first time I went to college, and starting to write. Mom has been to wipe away tears in the good and bad times she would comfort me.

Mom has surprised me how strong
she is through bad times, recently our
basement was flooded and she had Dad
and herself and I moved to the guest room.
I'l be there for at least three weeks.

It amazed me she knew what
had to be done. Get everything
off of the floor, lost a few books,
but everything  was saved. If I
needed help with english, or even
with a particular writing I go to her.
Knowing that she has my support
what I write, I'm glad to hear if she
doesn't like what I'm writing she might
say," this is dark," that she may offer
A opinion, but sometimes its hard cause
She maybe a little bias. But she's my target audience and thanks mom for bending a ear to my music, writing or when I need help with friendships, or work you are an inspiration. 

You've taught me to be a good person at heart and to be strong, have a strong relationship with God and that being a kid a heart and having an imagination isn't a bad thing. As adults only a Small amount of us embrace its like writers and engineers and artists. In conclusion, my mom should be nominated for woman of the year.

Throughout my career, initially as a first grade teacher, then as the Executive Director of The Gray Center, and now as the President of Social Incites, LLC, I have had the privilege of hearing the stories of countless parents, siblings, teachers, administrators, social workers, employers, employees, therapists, children, teens, and adults. I have heard stories of exciting successes, disappointing failures, frustrating struggles, hopeful attempts, and unending questions. You have shared stories related to parenting, teaching, studying, working, and building relationships. We have dealt together with organization, schedules, behaviors, autism, adolescence, bullying, abuse, transitioning to employment or college, giving compliments, making friends, choosing schools, and more! Together we have laughed, cried, brainstormed, and celebrated.

Your stories have been a huge inspiration to me! You have helped me in my work, my parenting, and my relationships. You have challenged me to keep growing both personally and interpersonally. And you have inspired me to share your stories with others, to give them hope and inspiration.

The result of this is my newest book, Hand-in-Hand: A Story About Asperger Syndrome…and a Very Significant Friendship. The description on the back cover reads, “Join Rory Hollander and his cousin Alyssa as they navigate one week of their final year of high school, appreciating their unique friendship even while acknowledging the ways it will change in the near future. Asperger Syndrome, mutual understanding, helpful strategies, and respect are just part of this busy time in their lives, along with both positive and negative relationships, college plans, job prospects, and creative writing assignments. Regardless of your age or related experience, as you hear their story, and use the enclosed discussion guide, you’re likely to increase your understanding and appreciation for people with Asperger Syndrome and other forms of autism, and add to your toolbox of strategies to help yourself and others experience social success.”

I initially wrote this story four years ago. Because it was so different from my other writing, I was hesitant to make it available to the public. But then Kyle read it. Kyle is a young man who will be graduating from high school next month. His story was one that inspired the creation of Rory’s story. Kyle has been asking me regularly for the last year, “Have you published your book yet?” Then my husband met Vincente, a man who did not have the opportunity to attend college to grow his natural artistic abilities. He heard about my book, and drew a few illustrations to bring Rory and Alyssa to life for readers. He was so enthusiastic—along with his wife and four children, including one with a significant disability-- at having his work featured in “a real book,” that I could no longer leave this manuscript parked on my computer.

It is my hope that Hand-in-Hand will inspire you and your friends and family, just as I have been inspired by Kyle, Vincente, and all of you!

For the last several weeks, we have been looking at the diagnosis of autism spectrum disorders (ASD),  the variety of ways in which people view their own diagnosis, whether to pursue the diagnosis when the characteristics are present, and how and when to disclose the diagnosis.

Now for another question…Is ASD a “disability?” Are those with ASD “handicapped?”

More than likely, people have perceptions of these terms that are extremely varied and potentially volatile. To adequately address this question, we need to first look at the abilities of people with ASD. I’ve heard the term, “differently-abled” to indicate those whose bodies or brains function differently than the majority. Certainly, those with ASD are in fact differently-abled. Their abilities often inspire awe and admiration in those who interact with them, from their often excellent memory for facts and statistics, to their ability to view life from a unique perspective, to their tendency to take people at face value, without judging them or forming prejudices.

But do their differences constitute a disability or handicap? Certainly, a practical and legal argument can be presented to enable many people with ASD to receive funding or services designated for those with disabilities. In this sense, ASD technically constitutes a disability, especially when an individual fits the dictionary definition of having a condition that “prevents normal achievement in a particular area.” Many people have benefitted from such services, and in fact, could not function successfully without them. Others function at a level where such services are not necessary (or are no longer needed). Perhaps they would even fit the description for “recovery,” which is an area of current research which I personally find very interesting.

But beyond examining the practical and legal application of the term “disability” to people with ASD, I believe it is also important to view this topic through the lens of social understanding. Years ago I had written an article, “Balancing the social teeter-totter,” where I noted that when the scales are tipped in favor of those who are “neuro-typical,” leaving those with ASD at a disadvantage, we all bear the responsibility for stepping in and balancing that social teeter totter. This is where understanding, strategies, accommodations, and genuine kindness come in. We can all make a positive difference in the lives of those around us, even to the point where individuals with ASD do not have to feel as though they are disabled or handicapped, but where their needs are met and their strengths are celebrated, and they are appreciated for who they are.

Here’s an additional thought to ponder: I once read an inspiring article about Scott Southworth, a US soldier who adopted a young boy with cerebral palsy from Iraq after his tour of duty there ended (Guideposts, July 2008). Although as a young single man, Southworth had been advised against taking on such a huge responsibility, he said he was relishing his role as a dad and an advocate. He summed up the question of differing abilities through his own definition of being “handicapped,” about which he says, “Being mean-spirited or hateful—those are the real handicaps. Love is what matters.” Southworth’s definition shows that there are many people in this world who do not have ASD, but are more “handicapped” than those who do. (I recommend that you read an update on Scott Southworth and all that he has accomplished--and the many benefits he has enjoyed-- through his act of kindness!)

Being helpful and kind can go a long way toward assisting others to live “ably.” It’s important work you’re doing as you promote personal and interpersonal growth all around the world—and many people are benefiting from it!

I have often thought that in a perfect world, a “diagnosis” would not be necessary for people with characteristics of autism, but instead, people’s needs would be met on an individual basis, and each person would be accepted and celebrated for who he or she is. We know that many factors contribute to our current inability to rely on a simple needs-drive-services model, and that the diagnosis is often both necessary and desirable for those who fit the criteria for an autism spectrum disorder (ASD).

Once our understanding of an individual leads to a diagnosis or points to the presence of ASD, often the on-going question becomes, “To Tell or not to Tell?” Who needs to know about the diagnosis? When does the individual himself or herself need to know?

The answer to this question is highly individual, and may change over time (perhaps again and again). Although there is no one answer that can work for everyone with regard to this issue, there are perhaps some guidelines that can be helpful. Some are related to my recent articles about getting a diagnosis, and person-first language:

1. Who needs to know? Primarily, it is important that people have this information if it will create a more supportive environment for the individual in question, and better empower him or her to reach their full potential. If needs are not being met and the individual is misunderstood without knowledge of the diagnosis, this would be an important time to increase understanding about ASD and how it affects him or her (and the social context, whether it is a classroom, playground, home, or workplace), as well as resources and strategies that could help.
2. Does the individual know about his or her own diagnosis? Often, a good time to provide this information to the individual is when he or she begins to question differences (why they go to therapy, why others don’t seem to want to play with them, why no one else knows the names of all the planets or the local train schedule, etc.) Be careful about setting up a situation where “everyone” knows about the diagnosis except the individual with the diagnosis!
3. How does the individual feel about the diagnosis? Some choose not to voluntarily disclose their diagnosis, while others are eager to share this information. Again, when needs are being met, it likely becomes more of a personal issue to be determined by the individual and his or her family.
4. Be sensitive to when and how the information is shared. If the individual is not aware of his or her diagnosis, or is not comfortable having it discussed in public, be sure to inform others only if necessary, and in a way that protects your own integrity and the thoughts and feelings of the person in question. It is important that the diagnosis not be used as an excuse. It is sometimes an explanation for why some things are difficult (or easy), or why a person needs to work harder (or less hard) in some areas than others, but it doesn’t excuse negative choices that they make. It should also not be used as the source of blame for all the negatives in a person’s life. In the cases where this has happened, I’ve seen people who view their diagnosis very negatively, seeing it as the source of all the things they don’t like about themselves or their lives. We can help to avoid a situation like this by watching our own attitudes that we portray toward the diagnosis and the individual with the diagnosis.

Again, this is a highly individual topic. Everyone likely has his or her own guidelines for disclosing a diagnosis to other people. If you’d like to share information that might be helpful to others, feel free to do so on our Facebook page!

Thank you all for your continued work in promoting personal and interpersonal growth—and autism awareness--around the world!

Throughout my career, I have spent a large amount of time answering questions (by phone, email, and coaching/consulting sessions) from people all around the world. These questions often center around a desire to gain information about their child (or the child in their classroom), the need for help with a particular situation (either creative ideas or resources they haven’t tried before, or a new place to take their child to access resources), suggestions for educating others about their child (or themselves), or ways to involve their child or young adult in more meaningful ways in their community.

Often, I am contacted by parents of children (of a variety of ages) who are just recently being evaluated for the possibility of an autism spectrum disorder (ASD). Sometimes they question whether they should pursue a formal diagnosis.

Naturally, this is only a valid question if the child (or young adult) meets the criteria for ASD. It would not be responsible to advocate giving an individual a diagnosis that does not correctly describe his or her developmental history, and current level of functioning (including strengths and challenges). At Social Incites, LLC, we do not do evaluations or provide diagnoses. However, I often walk parents through the following thought process, hoping that it helps them to make the decision that is right for their child:

1.     Is your child being met at his or her current functioning level? That is, are her strengths recognized, applauded, and utilized for motivation, positive peer interaction, and opportunities to offset her challenges? And are her challenges being addressed in a thoughtful, proactive way? I once had a mom in my office who is thrilled with the services her daughter is receiving from her school. The school has created a social skills group which meets regularly, a counselor is meeting frequently with the child and her teachers, the child has a supportive peer group in her classroom and on the playground, and is doing well academically in the classroom. This mom does not feel a need to pursue a formal diagnosis at this time for her daughter, even though she shows many signs of having ASD.

Addressing an individual’s current functioning level in an effective way is of huge importance, given the opportunity to possibly guide a person toward “recovery” from autism or at least, reaching his or her full potential, and/or increased access to social and academic success.

2.     The second thought concerns a “common starting point.” This is closely related to the first point (in fact, a common starting point often leads to a child being met at his or her current functioning level). Does everyone working with the child have the same (or similar) understanding of the child or young adult, and the assistance he needs to reach his full potential? If the adults in his environment consistently believe that he is deliberately acting out, without considering his sensory needs, communication and/or learning differences, and emotional or social struggles, then information about the presence of ASD might help his family, school community, or daycare environment address his needs more effectively. On a more personal level, I knew a young man who realized he had Asperger’s Syndrome after reading a newspaper article about the diagnosis. He commented to his parents, “This is me, isn’t it? And all these years I thought I was just stupid.” He had never been told that he was on the autism spectrum; this information may have saved him from years of self-doubt and a feeling of isolation. Once he knew his diagnosis, and was able to research it and meet other people with similar interests and abilities, he enjoyed a much more positive self-image!

Not only does a common starting point benefit the individual with ASD, but it can also benefit others working on this person’s behalf. Teachers (and other professionals), parents, and employers can attend conferences, read books, or consult with others who have experience working with individuals with similar strengths and challenges. I know one family who has been told that their child has “a brain disorder.” Although his profile seems very similar to those diagnosed with ASD, these parents have no one to connect with to share experiences, no books to read, and no other kids for their child to form friendships with who have the same diagnosis. Rather than having the benefit of using common knowledge about autism and what is most likely to be beneficial to this student, teachers instead approach the situation “from scratch,” looking to develop teaching strategies that might help a child with “a brain disorder.”

Can an individual’s needs be met without a formal diagnosis? Most certainly! Is this always the case? Unfortunately, it is not. The question of whether to pursue a diagnosis will need to be made on a case-by-case basis, and possibly be re-evaluated on a regular basis (as needs and abilities change, understanding of the individual increases, and adults rotate in and out of the person’s life). And certainly, there are people who have “recovered” from autism and no longer need to tell people about their diagnosis, as well as people who would prefer not to receive the diagnosis in the first place. (I’ll write more about that next week!)

Feel free to weigh in on this discussion on our Facebook page! Your experiences and opinions may prove helpful to individuals who are currently struggling to answer the question, “To diagnose or not to diagnose?” in their own life.

Special thanks to those of you who are making a formal diagnosis less of a necessity! Your flexibility, willingness to meet each individual at his or her current level of functioning, and desire to communicate with others in that child’s life, are greatly appreciated! Thanks, too, to those of you who are helping to make a diagnosis of autism a less negative experience for those who receive it. As I wrote last week, there are many people who are able to celebrate the presence of autism in their lives!

 

April is Autism Awareness Month. There are many activities centered around raising awareness and funds, both locally and far away. I hope, though, that those who watch or participate are able to see the scope of our efforts as being about more than a diagnosis, but instead, as being about people who are uniquely gifted and have so much to offer our society!

If you’re familiar with my Social Response Pyramid(TM), you know that according to this model, everyone has his or her own starting point when responding to input. This unique starting point is comprised of what the individual knows, feels, expects, believes, remembers, etc. The immediate individual context (MY CONTEXT) is a combination of interests, abilities, challenges, learning style, memories, past experiences, personality, birth order, ability to integrate sensory input, and medical, physical, or emotional differences or diagnoses, including an autism spectrum disorder.

Each pyramid represents a unique person. For example, a person may be tall, of average build, with dark hair, enjoy sports, have experience working with computers, be somewhat shy and quiet, a bit of a perfectionist, AND have autism.

At one time, I believed strongly in the need to identify such a person as a person with autism, NOT an “autistic person.” I feel sad when I hear parents or teachers say that they have “normal children” and “autistic children,” implying that one is better than another. Over the last many years, society has been working to emphasize that first and foremost, an individual is a child (or teenager, adult, or person), and secondarily, the individual has a condition that some view as a disability.

At one point, I became aware that not everyone agrees with the push toward person-first language as it relates to those diagnosed with ASD (autism spectrum disorder). In fact, there are many such people who argue strongly for the consistent use of the term “autistic” to describe themselves, as opposed to referring to them as people with autism. (This appears to be similar to the movement toward “Aspie” as a designation for individuals with Asperger Syndrome). Like me, they believe that autism is an intricate part of who they are; that it cannot be separated out as distinct from who they are as people. But they argue that the rest of us are simply trying to be politically correct in calling them “people with autism.”

I applaud the desire of these “autistics” to educate people as to their uniqueness and individuality, and their eagerness to embrace the characteristics which identify them as being on the spectrum.

The problem is, we live in a world where autism still isn’t generally accepted as unique and positive, and so using the term “autistic child” can be misconstrued and misapplied to other diagnoses by people who are NOT sensitive to the nuances of these terms. In other words, we should not endeavor to set an example for people who might again begin using terms such as “Down Syndrome child,” “diabetic child,” or even, viewed negatively, “autistic child,” losing the ground we’ve gained in promoting their personhood before examining the issues that they may face. We also cannot assume that everyone with ASD feels the same way, and would choose to be known as an “autistic person.”

It’s interesting to reflect on this issue. I’m aware that I’m resistant to the term “autistic” because I feel that it singles out those with ASD as being different from everyone else, rather than first acknowledging their similarities to other people. But the research I’ve done indicates that those who wish to be known as autistics WANT to be different from others; they do not want to be compared to other people, but instead wish to be known by their unique designation.

Over the years, my personal stance on this subject has been consistent with my desire to promote social understanding. I now acknowledge BOTH sides of the issue—and the rationale behind each side. From there, I think it should be up to an individual whether he or she prefers to be knows as an “autistic,” or as a “person with autism.” For those who prefer not to be connected officially—in any way—to the term autism, I’ll write more on that topic next week!

Thank you to all of you who are working to promote social understanding! I continue to learn from you, and am a better person because of it!

Can you imagine either of these scenarios?

-       Karen has announced that she is planning to run in a local 5K race. As the date approaches, she spends each day sitting on the couch, watching TV, playing video games, and snacking on popcorn. Although race day is looming, and she has never before run a 5K, she says she’s not worried—she can’t imagine not being successful at this endeavor!

-       Tom is 15 years old. He has just completed a driver’s education course where he sat in class for six sessions, watching videos and studying a booklet of “rules of the road.” When he emerges from the final class, his parents hand him the keys to the family car, and wish him well as he heads out on his own for his first drive. They’re confident he’ll be a safe driver!

I’m guessing you identified that neither Karen nor Tom is likely to be successful at reaching their goals.

Learning to be a safe driver takes a lot of practice in addition to knowing the rules, and competency needs to be proven before someone is able to drive alone. Becoming a safe driver cannot happen without experience on the road!

Similarly, no one can prepare to successfully run a race without consistent training.

I believe it is also true that social skills cannot be gained in isolation from other people and without on-going opportunities to practice. Almost weekly, I am introduced to young people who are supposedly looking for employment, but are spending their time alone at home. They do not have friendship groups, they are not taking classes, and they are not volunteering in the community. Like Karen, they spend their days watching TV and playing video games, yet they (and often their parents) expect that as they look for employment, they will somehow have the skills to succeed at interviewing, securing an offer, and getting along with supervisors and colleagues on the job. Like Tom, some people assume that social skills can be gained by reading books about “social rules,” or watching videos about social interactions. These are not bad strategies, but they cannot truly prepare a person for the experience of getting along with other people in real-life situations.

We all need both opportunities and skills for connecting with others in meaningful ways. Do you need to get more connected this week, or is there someone in your life who needs your encouragement, support, and practical assistance in this area?

Best wishes as you practice “social” as you go about your life this week!