This past fall my family and I spent time “up north” in Charlevoix, Michigan, a beautiful lakeside community perched on the shores of Lake Michigan. One day we ventured to Ellsworth, a small neighboring town, for lunch. We discovered “The Front Porch,” a restaurant run almost entirely by volunteers who organized after the last restaurant in town closed in 2008. We were pleased to find that their reputation for delicious food, affordable prices, and warm hospitality was well-deserved, and The Front Porch has been added to our list of favorite restaurants.

While dining at The Front Porch, I noted that my napkin was wrapped in a strip of paper on which was printed the following quote:

            “People ask us how we can do what we do. We can’t imagine not doing what we do.”

I’ve been pondering that quote ever since. What is it that I can’t imagine not doing, and why?

Last week I asked you to take a minute to complete a short survey to tell me about your interests. I am thankful that so many of you responded, giving me a small glimpse into the reasons you do what you do. I hope you’ll continue dialoguing with me as we grow together and in the work that we’re all doing around the world.

For the next few weeks, I’ll share more information about my work, my passions, and my inspiration as I explore why it is that I can’t imagine not doing what I do. I hope it will encourage you to do the same. What do you do? What is it that you can’t imagine NOT doing, even if people wonder how (or why) you do it? Hopefully it’ll be a great way to start the new year, helping us to recommit or redirect our energy to the things that matter most!

As we start 2014, I am celebrating the beginning of the second year of Social Incites, LLC, and the eighth year that I have been writing a weekly email article.
 
I am incredibly honored to be connected with you, and want to ensure that I am providing the information and support that most benefits you.

To help me do that, I’m hoping you’ll take about 30 seconds to complete a 3-question survey. Your responses will remain anonymous unless you choose to include your email address to enter a drawing for a free resource. If you have additional comments or questions, you are welcome to email me.

Thank you, and Happy New Year!

Are you crafting New Year's Resolutions for 2014? I'm guessing your resolutions don't read like this: "This next year I'm going to keep _____________ (i.e. eating, spending, etc.) like I always have." Usually our resolutions revolve around something that we identify as needing a makeover. Our weight is too high, our wallets are too thin, our jobs could use revitalization, our relationships have gone stale, etc.

Change is inevitable. We change our clothes when they become dirty, we dress differently for a special occasion, and we update our wardrobe as styles come and go or we outgrow (or wear out) our current attire. Family situations are transformed or modified due to death, illness, a new job, a child moving on to college or his own apartment, divorce, marriage, etc. Jobs change, classroom requirements change, and the seasons change.

We can get excited about making a New Year's resolution as we picture a "New Me" or a "New Life" as an adventure or an obvious improvement over our current situation. Yet how many of us have the ability to hang on to that enthusiasm and determination through the New Year, let alone through the first month (or week)?

The truth is, the possibility of change often makes us uncomfortable! This is even more true for individuals with autism spectrum disorders (ASD), who tend to prefer routine and consistency. They may be frightened by the unpredictability of the unknown. Even the language of change can be discomforting to them. Words such as "new, different, and change" can provoke very strong reactions in them.

We can adapt our language to suit their need for predictability; to give them the information they need in a calm and reassuring way. When we know their "trigger words"--or those that cause them great anxiety, we can find words that are less provocative to them. For example, the words "another, additional, extra, superior, or better" may be less frightening than "new" or "different."

However, sometimes what we don't say is as problematic as what we do say! I still chuckle when I recall the story of family friends who were getting ready to move to a new house. They had been preparing their three-year-old for the upcoming changes by telling him how much he'd like his new bedroom, the new large backyard for playing ball, and the new basement. They were surprised that he didn't seem very excited, until finally one day he burst into tears and said, "It sounds OK, Mommy, but I sure am going to miss you and Daddy!" In their desire to get him prepared for upcoming changes, they neglected to reassure him about those things that would stay the same! In his young mind, he had a picture of everything being new, and all the old, familiar, comforting things disappearing forever!

With this in mind, don't forget to provide that information whenever you discuss a change or transition. Help your audience hold on to those things which bring stability and comfort whenever possible, thereby easing the anxiety surrounding the knowledge that not everything will stay the same.

Do you have other suggestions regarding this topic? I hope you'll share those with each other here! 

As we head into yet another "New Year," I hope you're excited about the potential for what lies ahead, even as you find comfort in those things that are predictable and familiar.

Yesterday I was thinking aloud at home, “What should I write about in this week’s Social Incites™?” My 16-year-old son quickly responded, “Write about your awesome kids!”

Many of us engage in writing about our awesome kids, especially this time of year. Photos go on Facebook sharing accomplishments or funny moments. Christmas or year-end letters go to close friends and family telling of milestones achieved or special thoughts about our children.

It’s good to take time to celebrate our kids, whether we have our own children, or other exceptional children (students, nieces or nephews, neighbors, etc.) in our lives.

When my son asked me the other day, “What would you like for Christmas, Mom? What would be most special thing for you?” my answer was, “To have all of us under one roof for a time, to just enjoy being together!”

My wish for all of you is that you would also have time to celebrate and enjoy the awesome kids in your life. It’s been my experience that they grow up all too soon!

P.S. My awesome kids are Ben (age 19 in his first year of college), Nathan (age 16, in his third year of high school), Jenae (age 11 in 6th grade), and Noah (age 2 and wishing he was also in school). Our newest family member is kitty Jazz.

The holidays are a time of increased busyness and sensory stimuli, along with some potentially difficult questions. One question faced by many parents at this time of year is, “Is there really a Santa?” While parents deal with issues such as this in different ways, the presence of autism or a similar disability may complicate matters. Several years ago I wrote an article to help, which can be accessed here: http://socialincites.com/uploads/3/4/2/5/34250367/santa_easter_bunny.pdf
 
This week I’m giving away two copies of my newest book, Hand-in-Hand: A Story About Asperger Syndrome…and a Very Significant Friendship. To win, simply email me, “I’d like to win your book!” I’ll notify winners by email on Thursday.

Whether the days ahead involve routine activities or special celebrations, I hope you'll all have a wonderful week!

So, it’s officially the hectic holiday and shopping season! I know that many of you are too busy to read many “incites” this month, so this week I am providing a list of things that may be beneficial to you as you work to survive—and thrive—as you spend time with family, prepare food, shop, plan and attend events, wrap and unwrap gifts, etc.

1.     Stress-Free Holidays? This is an article posted on our web site, which can be forwarded to others who may benefit from the information and tips it contains. It particularly focuses on the challenges unique to people with autism and those who support them.

2.     Thirteen Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do I found this article on the Internet. It has some great points that may help you grow even through this busy season!

3.     Fidgets make great holiday gifts, and could help ease stress during traffic jams, holiday parties, winter storms, or schedule changes.

4.     Watch our Facebook page again this week for more relevant resources, and for a chance to win a great prize!

Although this is a busy time of year, as we remembered last week, there are many reasons to be thankful, and there are many opportunities to grow and to connect in meaningful ways.

Enjoy!

This week many of us living in the United States will take a break to give thanks over the Thanksgiving holiday. Students and school staff will be thankful for a break from school, as will all the others who get a welcome holiday from their work. Families will give thanks for the loved ones gathered around their table, as well as those who are far away.

At Social Incites, LLC, my family and I are thankful for many things:

-       The scores of people who call, e-mail, or visit us throughout the year. Your stories inspire us, your questions help us learn and share what we have learned, and your encouragement keeps us going!

-       The parents and other family members, friends, teachers, administrators, counselors, employers, employees, and numerous others who are regularly working to provide social insight. You are making a noticeable, positive difference in our world!

-       The opportunity to use our God-given time and talents to bless others, to enrich our lives, and to make the world a better place.

We give thanks for each one of you, and all that you are doing to promote personal and interpersonal growth!

Please watch our Facebook page and this site this week for more things we’re thankful for, and for exciting new opportunities to WIN free resources!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Last week I wrote an article about our tendency to view others' actions as "inappropriate behavior." I challenged all of us to consider the antecedents for those behaviors, as well as what people know about their choices and the effects that they have on others around them.

I'll be the first to admit that I sometimes tell my own children that they are "behaving inappropriately." But I have learned to stop when I use those words, and to consider whether that's my own personal judgment, or whether others, too, would consider the behavior to be inappropriate. Then I evaluate whether more information is needed so that my children can make more effective choices.

But there are times when I, too, "behave inappropriately." I'm guessing that most of you can identify with that tendency. Some of our responses (things we do and say) are less than socially effective, if not downright disastrous. We misjudge the social context (who's here and what they know, feel, think, or expect), and utilize misguided attempts at being funny, smart, or compassionate--and end up looking anything but! We have figures of speech which describe these social blunders, such as "putting our foot in our mouth," or "getting off on the wrong foot." (If you'd like help deciphering these and other idioms, one good resource is http://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/put+foot+in+mouth. Another is the children's book, Super Silly Sayings That Are Over Your Head, by Catherine Snodgrass. It's a delightful book which uses illustrations and explanations to show the intended meaning of idioms after showing their literal interpretation.

OK, so we all occasionally mess up socially. What are we to do about it? I believe we need to go through at least three steps:

1. ACKNOWLEDGE the mess, including how we are feeling about the situation, and how others are feeling.

1. RECOGNIZE our role in the negative outcome of the interaction, whether it's simply an uncomfortable moment, or a complete disaster. Examine how the choice we made, whether it was something we said or did, or something we should have done or said, but didn't, contributed to the current situation.

3. Work to REPAIR the situation. The words, "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have said that. What can I do to make it better?" are an important part of repairing a negative situation. A genuine apology will have at least these three components: Saying we're sorry, acknowledging our role in the current situation, and taking part in the necessary repair process. (A great book for teaching this concept to children is Sorry! by Trudy Ludwig).

This three-step process should be followed by new choices that take into account what we've learned, hopefully leading to more socially effective responses.

So, there's hope for all of us when we occasionally speak or act in a socially ineffective way. The important thing is that we keep trying, knowing that those around us occasionally make mistakes, too!

 

Are you often appalled by the "inappropriate behavior" that you witness in school, at home, or out in the community? Do you struggle to teach others how to "behave appropriately?"

I believe that the vocabulary we use to make sense of our social environment affects both our understanding of people and situations, as well as the way we respond to them. That's why I make a point to learn about the meanings of words--both as defined in a dictionary, as well as contrived through everyday use.

The two words contained in the title of today's article are prime examples of this. Let's start with "behavior." Many dictionary definitions focus on the end result when they define behavior. They employ terms such as, "observable activity, demeanor, manner," etc. I think that our common usage of the word "behavior" is generally consistent with these ideas. We tend to view others' actions as isolated, visible activities. If we assign any hint of prior action to it, we typically assign a choice. In other words, we often believe that people "choose" to "behave" a certain way. Of course, we're more likely to do this with negative behaviors than positive ones, especially with a person who frequently "misbehaves!" The most insightful information I found was from the American Heritage Dictionary, which stated, after giving synonyms for behavior, "These nouns all pertain to a person's actions as they constitute a means of evaluation by others." Note that "behavior" as defined in this way, depends very much on the person doing the observing!

The word "appropriate" has a similar twist to it. A common definition for this word contains something like this, "suitable for a particular person or place or condition etc;" Who determines what's appropriate for a given situation? The implication is that others determine that!

Both words in the title of this article, "Appropriate Behavior," empower the audience, or "others," and remove control of the situation from those doing the acting. I believe there's a better alternative!

Buried in some of the definitions of "behavior" is the word, "reaction." What this implies is that there's an antecedent for the behavior; that the observable action is in response to something else. In fact, whether or not an action was based on a conscious choice, a "behavior" is usually a response to input. That's why I prefer to use the term "response" as opposed to "behavior," since it reminds us that there's a lot going on under the surface prior to the "tip of the iceberg" end result that we're able to observe.

And since the word "appropriate" can leave the judgment of others' actions completely in the eyes of the beholder, I prefer the term, "effective." A response either works, or it doesn't, or in the words of the dictionary, "effective" means, "adequate to accomplish a purpose." Effective responses lead us toward a goal, whether the goal is getting a job done or interacting successfully with others.

Look how a change in our vocabulary can positively affect the way we interact with others! If Tom refuses to raise his hand in class and frequently interrupts, in spite of frequent admonitions from the teacher, recognizing his actions as a "response" leads us to question what information he might be missing about classroom expectations (and the purpose for those), as well as the effect that his actions has on others. We can also help him to understand how raising his hand to ask a question (or to provide an answer to the teacher's question) helps him to be more "socially effective," along with the teacher and the other students in the class. Raising his hand is both a strategy and a response as defined by my "Social Response Pyramid(TM)." Tom's overall goal is to be socially effective, but in this case, it is more narrowly defined as either getting necessary information, or giving relevant information. His raising his hand "works" (or is effective) in this particular environment given the other people in the room and their expectations for him and the others in that context.

Rather than bemoaning Tom's "inappropriate behavior" of interrupting throughout the instructional time, we can instead help him to generate a "socially effective response"--one that empowers him as an active participant in the success of everyone in the social context of his classroom.

We are all capable of producing ineffective responses, whether or not they are related to conscious choices. And all of us have done things that could be described as "inappropriate behavior"--if you don't believe, me, ask your parents (or your children)! Yet I think it can be much more helpful in our work of promoting social insight and understanding to focus on "effective responses" rather than "appropriate behaviors." (Feel free to comment on this article here. Whether you agree or disagree, your comments and insights are always welcome!)

Best wishes as you work to produce socially effective responses, and to enable others to do the same!

Last week I wrote about “Healthy Relationships.” There are many ways to foster healthy relationships, and many great resources to help. Unfortunately, not all relationships are healthy. I often receive questions about how to help students deal with kids at school who are being unkind. Often a typical reaction is to get angry and respond in a similar fashion, which typically proves to be rather ineffective.

I know that many of you are well-acquainted with this and similar situations! Bullying doesn’t happen just in schools. It occurs in homes, neighborhoods, places of worship, workplaces…anywhere people interact with each other. The sheer magnitude of research and resources on bullying is an indication of the prevalence of this issue, as well as the numerous methods of dealing with it. While some people might recommend "ignoring" the teasing or "just standing up to it," we know that these rather pat answers are not supported by research, and are not likely to be effective when applied to a situation where a child with an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) or some other disability is on the receiving end of the unkind words or actions.

Basically, there are three people (or groups of people) involved in a bullying attempt. First, there is the child or person who is being "picked on." There is also the instigator/perpetrator, or the person attempting to do the bullying. Finally, there are likely bystanders, or people who might be in a position to ensure that the attempts are not successful. Most successful strategies address all three people or groups.

While the "victim" should not be blamed for the bullying attempts, he or she can be helped to identify these attempts, to respond in a more effective manner, and to cope with the ensuing emotions and feelings in a positive way. Everyone can be taught how to identify and promote healthy relationships, and how to get involved when they observe a bullying attempt. And we can all work to ensure that we are not the ones doing the bullying! Some great resources include:

-       Stick Up For Yourself (available with corresponding teacher’s manual)

-       The Juice Box Bully

-       The Bullying Workbook for Teens
-       Just Kidding
-       The Bully, The Bullied, and the Bystander…How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle
-       Anti-bullying stickers
-       Band Against Bullying wristband

No one is alone in their frustration and concern those who are being bullied. I hope that Social Incites™ readers will also post suggestions and/or encouragement here or on our Facebook page.

Best wishes as you promote personal and interpersonal growth in your corner of the world!