This week’s “Social Incites™” is being sent later than usual. I got called out of town unexpectedly this weekend to help a friend, and did not have access to the Internet. For the last few weeks, I had been thinking of the importance of being “flexible” and “resourceful,” or “making do” with what we have. My friend and I laughed over the things we encountered this weekend that made those traits more necessary and valuable than ever. My friend prepared my breakfast, which included a “flower” on my tray. Lacking floral arrangements, she had filled a small container with baking “flour” and sprinkled it with red paprika. When I got ready to teach my class this morning, I discovered that I hadn’t packed a hair dryer. After turning down my friend’s offer to drive around the neighborhood with my head out the window, I “made do” with a fan blowing on my head for awhile. It produced a different hairdo, but it worked.
 
Working with individuals with autism, I often find that I have to “make do” in my teaching and my coaching. They bring unexpected, unique questions and situations that need to be addressed. Often I have to implement strategies I’ve never tried before, or have never thought of before. It’s crucial to be flexible and resourceful. I tell people that my classes are not “curriculum-driven,” but instead, they’re “driven by the individuals who make up the class.”  We encounter unexpected situations during almost every session, but are able to successfully address them through flexibility and resourcefulness, learning to laugh at ourselves along the way.
 
Sometimes we can control our setting and the outcomes. Other times we need to “make do,” with staffing, financial resources, materials, and other things. Being flexible and resourceful can improve the outcomes for both us, and for the people we’re working with!
 
Best wishes for successful outcomes as you “make do” this week! 

There's an old saying, "No one is perfect... that's why pencils have erasers." Some of us find comfort in this thought. It takes the pressure off, and allows us to simply do our best, and to be okay with the results.

Others find that thought discomforting. They have difficulty accepting that they are less than perfect. They wear down the erasers on their pencils, or rub right through the paper when erasing, in their attempts to complete an assignment without any flaws. Individuals with “Type A” personalities, those who were the firstborn in their families, and occasionally those with autism spectrum disorders (ASD) are among those who sometimes struggle with the difficulties associated with perfectionism. Wilt Chamberlain pointed out one discrepancy between the messages adults send about being perfect: “They say that nobody is perfect. Then they tell you practice makes perfect. I wish they’d make up their minds.”

While it’s important to teach others how to handle a tendency toward perfectionism, the above quote also indicates the importance of evaluating our response to others. Do we find ways to encourage them? Do we point out where they excel, and not just the areas where they could use some improvement? Are we expecting them to be perfect, even while we know they will not achieve perfection? “When nobody around you seems to measure up, it's time to check your yardstick.” (Bill Lemley)

One of the resources sold at The Gray Center is the book, “What to do When Good Enough Isn’t Good Enough,” by Thomas Greenspon. The publisher’s description of the book reads as follows:

“Perfectionism may seem like a worthy goal, but it’s actually a burden. When you believe you must be perfect, you live in constant fear of making mistakes. Most children don’t know what perfectionism is, yet many suffer from it. Nothing they do is ever good enough. School assignments are hard to start or hand in. Relationships are challenging, and self-esteem is low. Written to and for ages 9–13, this book helps kids understand how perfectionism hurts them and how to free themselves. Includes true-to-life vignettes, exercises, and a note to grown-ups.”

If you think this book may be helpful for someone in your life, you can find it at www.thegraycenter.org. While there, you may want to check out some of our other titles:

-       Girls Growing Up on the Autism Spectrum,

-       Making Sense of Children's Thinking and Behavior,

-       Social Skills for Teenagers and Adults with Asperger Syndrome,

-       Sometimes My Brother: Helping Kids Understand Autism Through a Sibling's Eyes,

-       Understanding Asperger's Syndrome: FAST FACTS (A Guide for Teachers and Educators),

-       Understanding Death and Illness and What They Teach About Life,

-       Understanding Regulation Disorders of Sensory Processing in Children,

-       Writing Measurable IEP Goals and Objectives

Best wishes as you continue to do your best, while also accepting that your efforts will not lead to perfection. “Once you accept the fact that you're not perfect, then you develop some confidence.” (Rosalynn Carter)

Have you ever tried to stand books on a bookshelf without using bookends? Chances are you haven’t been very successful at it, especially if other people are around to bump the volumes or otherwise disturb them. You’re likely to experience greater, lasting success by using bookends to support the books and keep them from slipping on the shelf or falling to the floor.

There’s an area of life where we tend to operate without figurative bookends. When we evaluate other people’s behaviors, we often view them as stand-alone, isolated events or situations. We desperately try to change the behavior, almost like we might try to stand a book up by itself, even though we know from experience that we’re not likely to be very successful in this endeavor.

Behaviors are the “B” in the ABC’s of relationships. The necessary “bookends” are “Antecedents” and “Consequences.” When evaluating behaviors, we need to first look at the antecedents—the causes, or the environment or situation that is present when the behaviors occur. Often some detective work (particularly evaluating when, where, and how often the behavior occurs, in what social context, and following or accompanying which triggers) enables us to understand why a behavior is occurring, and perhaps how it can be avoided. We also need to evaluate the consequences that a person is experiencing along with the behavior. If there are no negative consequences, it may not be surprising to find that the behavior continues. If the consequence is that the person receives much-needed attention, whether the attention is positive or negative, the person may continue the behavior as the attention unwittingly reinforces it. In my own parenting, I’ve discovered that often the most effective consequences are “natural” consequences; those which are closely tied with the behavior. I’ll write more about natural consequences in the future.

My educational tool “The Social Response Pyramid” reminds us that responses (behaviors) are usually coming from somewhere. They’re typically not completely random (and may not be intentional), but are often linked to a person’s current needs, understanding, feelings, etc. (or their “context”) and the strategies that they have available to them or are aware of at the moment. I call this, “Behavior as Communication.” The Pyramid helps us to evaluate the responses we’re seeing and hearing from others, in order to better identify what they might be missing (the “gaps”) and how to help them. (My Pyramid resources and DVD workshop, “Bridging the Gap” are all available through The Gray Center).

Other notable resources (all available at www.thegraycenter.org) include:

- Social Stories™ and Storymovies™

- Achieving Best Behavior

- Asperger Syndrome and Difficult Moments

- Making Sense of Children’s Thinking and Behavior

- No More Meltdowns

- Simple Strategies that Work

- Social Behavior Mapping

- Think Social!

- You Are a Social Detective

Best wishes to all the “detectives” reading this, who continue to evaluate and learn from others’ responses in order to equip them with strategies for being successful!

 My 18-month-old has suddenly begun developing an elaborate bedtime routine. Last week he started insisting on saying goodnight and giving a kiss to every person in the family before he will go to bed. This involves standing at the top of the stairs and yelling down to any brother or sister who might be down there, so that they can come up to give him a proper salutation. Sometimes he’ll even go around twice, collecting more kisses from each family member before he’ll head to bed. In addition to brushing his teeth, and singing a song and saying a prayer with Mommy before blowing one last kiss, last week he also discovered the joy of reading a bedtime story before saying goodbye to the day. Often, he’ll climb on the couch to “read” by himself. Eventually, he’ll bring a book to someone and say, “Read, read!” But just as quickly as he figured out that a bedtime story is a good way to wind down before bed, he seems to have decided that if one book is good, two are better, and three is even more desirable. At the end of each book, he says, “More, more!” as he climbs down and heads to the book basket.

I’m guessing many of you can relate! Noah’s zest for life makes it difficult for him to slow down even for a night of sleep. I think he’s afraid he’s going to miss something! And with five older people in the house, I think he knows he’s missing a lot each night!

Carol Gray applied her creativity to dealing with this issue, which is so common in many households around the world. The result is a beautiful picture book, “The Last Bedtime Story That We Read Each Night.” Through reassuring rhymes, it calmly explains that other people might be doing things after “lights out,” but that’s okay. Intended to be read in one minute or less, this book helps children begin to relax as they realize that this is the last story that will be read before bed.

Like each of the hundreds of resources hand-selected for inclusion in The Gray Center bookstore, this book provides practical assistance to people dealing with real-world issues. It’s our goal to provide information and support that helps you to promote social understanding and cultivate effective relationships with others! And your purchases enable us to continue to provide the information and support that so many people need. Thank you for partnering with us in this way!

Several years ago I remember reading The Trumpet of the Swan, by E.B. White (1970), which follows the life of the fictional swan Louis. Most of the swans view Louis as “defective” because of his lack of a voice. What good is a trumpeter swan that can’t trumpet? How will Louis woo a female if he can’t croon to her? However, with the help of his friend Sam (a young boy who loves animals), Louis believes in himself and works hard to learn to read and write and to play a real trumpet. Along the way, he secures several interesting jobs to earn money to pay for the trumpet, and eventually wins his true love, the beautiful swan Serena. What a beautiful reminder that different does not equal bad, and that hard work and the help of friends can lead to success and the ability to overcome one’s difficulties.

Although the story describes the life of only one voiceless swan, there were surely other swans that couldn’t trumpet, even if the swans in Louis’ pond had never met one. There is a name (or “diagnosis”) to describe someone who cannot talk—we say that he is “mute”. Louis’ mother had been the first to notice that he was different from the other swans. After she told her husband that she suspected Louis was unable to talk, his father “tested” him, trying unsuccessfully to get him to talk. The other swans were not always kind to Louis, not because he was bad, but because he was different from them. Even after he learned to read and write (an exceptional accomplishment for a bird!) they did not accept him because they could not read what he had written! But Louis had incredible experiences both because of and in spite of his differences, and his life turned out well as he ignored the occasional taunting and ridicule, and instead learned to work hard, to rely on the help of friends, and to celebrate his differences.

Many of you live or work with children or adults with “differences,” or perhaps you have some “special needs” of your own. Some differences are very special; perhaps a person is always smiling, can navigate around town very proficiently, and has an incredible memory. Other differences may cause concern or difficulties. A person may be unable to kick, throw, or catch a ball. He or she might have difficulty looking at people’s eyes, reading social cues, and have unusual and intense interests, fears, preferences, and dislikes. Sometimes testing reveals that these particular differences have a name—Autism, or Asperger’s Syndrome. This diagnosis is not like cancer or chicken pox. It will not make a person sick, nor is it contagious. Instead, it describes some of the unique differences and abilities common to people with these diagnoses. There are different terms that may be used, including autism, high-functioning autism, PDD (pervasive developmental disorder), and Asperger’s.

Asperger’s or autism might not always feel like a good thing to people with the diagnosis (or to those who live and work with them), but it is to be celebrated because it is an integral part of each individual! For many people, the diagnosis also brings about unanticipated (but positive) friendships, lifestyle changes, and memories.

Together, we hope to spread this message to the world; that we may all come to accept and appreciate the uniqueness of each individual, with or without a diagnosis!

This summer there are nine students in our Gray Center “Come Grow With Us” social coaching class. We are learning about the importance of “nourishing, growing, connecting and contributing,” along with how to identify others’ expectations and develop strategies for meeting those. In additional to classroom instruction, we are transforming an old courtyard at City on a Hill (the ministry building where The Gray Center has our office) into a garden and gathering place for people who would like to enjoy a beautiful, relaxing place. Last week we prepared the ground and spread fresh top soil. This week we will be planting many different plants around the area. It’s too late in the summer to sow seeds (and probably too hot and dry), so we’re “repurposing” plants from the yards of our social coaches, and are planting items donated from area nurseries. Our summer class lasts only 10 weeks. We trust that when our work is done, it will be enjoyed by neighbors and visitors at City on a Hill…and tended in the future by other volunteers.

I'm struck that The Gray Center’s work of globally promoting social understanding is a bit like our class project. Gray Center staff and board members, and all of our friends around the world—including everyone reading this article—is actively sowing seeds of compliments, encouragement, support, information, instruction, and understanding through our words and actions. Yet many of us rarely get to enjoy the fruits of our own labor. Consider this:

-A specialist delivers a diagnosis of an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) for an individual, but does not get to follow that person's progress beyond one or two office visits.

-A teacher works with a child for one year, and then passes that individual on to another grade and another teacher.

-A therapist assists an individual through a difficult time, and once goals have been reached, his or her work is considered finished.

-A psychologist or other professional sees an individual only periodically, and doesn't have the time with his or her current caseload to be involved in many other aspects of that person's life.

-A grandparent spends time with his or her grandchildren, showers love and affection on them, and then sends them home for a short or long time again.

-A child or older person develops a friendship with a peer, only to have that friend move to a new city, school, classroom, or workplace.

-A parent works hard to instill decent morals, work ethic, academic skills, and socialization in his or her children. Yet this parent also deals with the day-to-day challenges inherent with raising children, and may have difficulty identifying progress or potential.

At times, it may be discouraging to realize that although we continually strive to promote social understanding, we might not be able to see the results in each person with whom we live and work. Yet here's what I find exciting: This newsletter is being sent to thousands of people around the globe. Each of them is sowing seeds of social understanding. That means that all around us, we are able to reap the rewards of other people's labor! We can actively look for the beauty that others have sown: kids that are sensitive to others' needs, parents who are sympathetic to a teacher's workload and responsibilities, administrators who take time to listen to and appreciate the children in their schools, diagnosticians who recognize the potential in each patient, regardless of the presence of a diagnosis, teachers who are flexible enough in the classroom to accommodate the variety of needs and strengths possessed by their students, employees who demonstrate a good work ethic, etc..

Promoting social understanding is extremely important, whether we get to reap the rewards of our efforts, or whether we enable someone else to do so. Let's keep planting and transforming as we “nourish, grow, connect, and contribute!”

A headline in a newspaper caught my eye a couple of weeks ago. “’Slouching’ advises parents to let kids go,”  (USA Today, June 26, 3D) It was a review of Sally Koslov’s new book, “Slouching Toward Adulthood.” The book sounds very interesting, as it addresses the increasing dilemma in our society of young people “failing to launch.” While the author reportedly acknowledges that some of that is related to a difficult economy which hampers some individuals from getting and keeping jobs, “adults aren’t helping…Parents often infantilize their adult children because it makes parents feel needed. The result: entitled but incompetent children and exploited but enabling parents.”

Although I haven’t yet read the book, the headline and brief overview got me thinking this past week about the things that I’ve done over the years to “prepare my children to fly,” and to make the most of the “940 Saturdays” that I get with each of my children (see the last two weeks of “Social Incites” for more information about those topics.) Here are some of the choices I’ve made to help my oldest son develop necessary life skills over the last 18 years:

-       I’ve given him time to achieve things on his own. While it seemed to take “forever” for him to learn to dress himself, unload the dishwasher, pick up his toys, write a term paper, and learn to drive, I realized it was generally my own impatience that made it seem that way. The process of learning does take time, and often cannot be hurried nor replaced by intervention from another person. I could have done some of these things more efficiently and probably more effectively, but that would have robbed him of the opportunity to learn to do them independently.

-       I’ve allowed other people to fill valuable roles in his life. Like my “Social Incites” on 6/25/12, I valued the input, expertise, and involvement of “sparrows” along the way. Only one person could be “Mom” to my son. I needed to allow others to be teachers, therapists, doctors, grandparents, and friends.

-       I learned along with him. When he was little, together we learned and implemented a variety of strategies and exercises to help him overcome sensory, speech, and motor skill issues.  As he’s gotten older, I’ve encouraged him to teach me about the things he’s learning and how he perceives life. I’ve encouraged him to ask questions, and I’ve shared lots of information about what I believe (and why), what I’ve experienced, and how those reflections might be similar to or different from those of other people.

-       I’ve given him room to fail. After visiting a new preschool, he wanted to try a large classroom when I thought he was more likely to be successful in a smaller class. We tried his choice, and it worked great! When he came home from his first day of middle school and announced that he was going to run for student council, I swallowed my concerns and encouraged him to try. He won! The next year presented the opportunity to learn more about the democratic process and competition as he was disappointed to not be reelected. But the following year he was again elected to serve. He learned much more from experiencing these successes and failures than he would have if I had tried to shelter him from possible failure.

-       I’ve allowed him to see my humanness. I readily admit that I do not have all the answers, and that I continue to learn from both my successes and failures. I have often had to apologize when I am wrong, and when I have wronged him. All too often, adults make life look “easy” for children and young people. I’ve wanted Ben to know of some of the struggles that I face, and the process I use to make difficult decisions. Often, I’ve invited him to be part of that process. It’s been a great learning experience for both of us!

-       I’ve taught him to take responsibility for his own choices. As the firstborn child, Ben is naturally quite responsible and conscientious. But as with my other children, if he has an issue with a teacher or someone else, it’s his responsibility to contact that person to ask questions or make amends. For years, it’s been his job to do his own laundry, and to get himself up on time for school. If he wants to attend a camp or needs a scholarship, it’s his responsibility to fill out the paperwork and submit it by the deadline. He calls the pharmacy if a medication refill is needed, and fills the gas tank if the vehicle he’s driving is getting low on gas. Many parents err on the side of doing things for their children. I believe it’s important to teach them how to do things for themselves, especially if those tasks should technically be their responsibility.

Parenting is probably the most difficult job on the planet. Yet it is also the most rewarding! Ben hopes to go to college after this last year of high school, and has been saving his whole life to hopefully be able to pay for much of it himself. I pray that he’ll be able to continue to use his gifts to flourish, and to bless others along the way!

Best wishes to all of you who are also learning to” let go” on your parenting journey!

I recently read that there are 940 Saturdays between the time a child is born and the time he/she turns 18 (The Reader’s Digest, July/August 2012, p. 76). This past weekend I reached my 940th Saturday with my son Ben (happy birthday, Ben)! Last week we spent time watching home videos, laughing over the antics of a two-year-old learning to dress himself, getting into the Christmas tree (and telling people what was inside their presents), stacking packages of diapers into a tall tower, singing, and stuffing his mouth with cereal (sometimes while he was singing). We exclaimed over a 7th grader who was playing saxophone solos and winning spelling bees. I went to bed marveling that this “baby” of mine is now a young man who is an excellent student, friend, employee, driver, and musician. It’s truly an honor to be his mom!

Where did those 940 Saturdays go? When I watch those old home videos, I remember many of the scenes as though they were yesterday. Many of those Saturdays were spent working hard, helping Ben overcome speech, motor skill, and sensory difficulties. On others, we took time to deliberately create the good memories we are now reliving and enjoying—taking trips, picking blueberries, going to the zoo, spending time with friends and family, playing games, singing, and laughing. I’m afraid that I cannot account for the majority of those Saturdays. They were routine, full of the busyness of daily living…and they flew by all too quickly!

This past Saturday, my 940th since my son was born, was spent without him, in the same way that his birthday will pass on Friday. Ben is on a mission trip far from home with a group of young people from our church. He is often away from home, with commitments at school, work, and church. Last week I wrote about “Preparing him to fly…” and it’s gratifying to see that Ben has spread his wings and successfully flown to new heights in a wide variety of areas! (Next week I’ll write about some of the things I’ve done to “let go,” to enable him to grow).

My youngest son will turn 18 months old next week. I am now fully aware of how quickly the Saturdays (and other days) between now and the time he turns 18 will pass. I wish I could say that this awareness is helping me to be more deliberate in how I spend those days. Life is busier now than it was almost two decades ago, with four children now and a full-time job. But this unique perspective, with an 18-year-old and an 18-month-old, gives me an intense appreciation for the learning and growing that happens during those intervening years. Each day is truly a gift, and I’m thankful for each and every one!

How are you making the days count with the young people in your life? Our roles as parents, grandparents, teachers, and friends change over the years, but the memories we make, the lessons we learn, and the relationships we build can be priceless!

When I was a child, my house had a front light post that closely resembled a bird cage. Apparently the neighborhood birds agreed, since every spring, we would watch a mother robin build or remodel an existing nest in the wrought iron structure. Soon we would catch glimpses of two to four delicate bright blue eggs. Eventually, under the watchful eye and patient tending of the mother bird, they hatched into helpless little creatures with beaks opening wide to the expanse above, eagerly awaiting the dinner they knew their parent would soon provide. As the baby birds gained strength, it was obvious that they would soon be moving out of the nest and venturing out on their own. One day, the mother would begin encouraging each little one to test its wings and fly. Before long, after a bit of practice, and following the mother’s lead, the little ones were led across the road before flying off in separate directions to begin their new life.

One year, as the baby birds were venturing farther from the nest, it became obvious that their mother had not returned from her recent travels. The baby robins appeared disoriented as they wandered around in the road. As my family and I watched, a very surprising thing happened! A sparrow flew down, and patiently guided the fledglings across the road!

I am able to see some similarities between a devoted mother bird and the way that I am parenting my own children. From the day my children were born, I have been aware that I am raising them to eventually head out on their own. In addition to protecting them, my role as their parent is to give them “wings,” and prepare them to “fly!” As I navigate daily life with them, I try to view each situation we encounter in light of the bigger picture, asking myself, “What lesson can this teach them that will help as they become more independent?” And also, “What is the core skill or strategy that they need to learn in this situation in order to be successful?” I have often focused on basic but important concepts such as identifying and participating in healthy relationships, asking for help, coping constructively with stress, taking turns, apologizing, planning, prioritizing, and respecting others. I’m trying to give them tools that will help them manage finances responsibly, complete tasks in a timely manner (and ensure that they are well-done), find resources to aid in problem-solving, and build strong relationships with others. Although it is tempting to shelter them or keep them close to me, I am able to continue to encourage them to spread their wings by focusing on my desire that they will be able to function as successfully as possible as adults.

Admittedly, my own abilities, experiences, and available time are not always adequate for the task at hand. I am thankful for the “sparrows” who gently help to guide my children. We can count a long list of teachers, friends, family members, counselors, and neighbors who have stepped in along the way to provide valuable guidance and practical assistance. We are learning to look for those individuals in our lives, to express gratitude to them, and to anticipate that there will always be such people to turn to as needs change on this road we’re traveling.

Whether you are a parent, a professional, or a person on the autism spectrum, you can also be a “sparrow,” guiding and assisting others along the road toward success! Sometimes it’s as simple as looking for those who are floundering, seemingly lost or unsure of the direction they should be heading. Often our patient, supportive presence can be enough to move them along to the next step of their journey!

Last week I shared the poem, “Round Tuit.” I’ve often said, “I’ll do it someday,” or “Not now…” I’ve been spending time lately considering why I put off things that I know are important or that I should be doing. Here are some of the reasons I’ve discovered:

1.     Life is busy. There are so many things on my schedule, that I don’t have enough hours in a day to do everything I’d like to do, or everything that should be done. I end up having to postpone some tasks, including those that are important. Often the urgent things take precedence over the important ones, and the “busy work” takes up all of the available hours in a day.

2.     Lack of confidence. I’ve noticed that many of the things that I continually put off doing are tasks that require confidence; either believing that they are worthwhile to others besides myself, or believing that I am capable of doing them well. Fear of failure (and sometimes fear of success) can rob me of determination to achieve a goal.

3.     Lack of planning. Many things remain “dreams” because I don’t plan to achieve them. I continue to use the “Round Tuit” excuse, but because I don’t put the item on my to-do list and deal with other distractions, conflicts, or lack of confidence, they remain distant dreams.

4.     Lack of motivation or inspiration. Whether the task is very important or not particularly important; sometimes I’m just not motivated enough to make it happen, or I’m lacking the inspiration to move forward.

5.     Lack of access to resources. Sometimes I don’t do something because I need materials that I don’t have, require additional training for the task, or simply don’t have the money or time. Some of these things may be attainable someday as I plan to put the pieces in place to achieve my goals. Other times I need to readjust my goals to accommodate the reality of my current situation.

What can you do when you need to get around to doing something? Here are some strategies I’ve found to be helpful:

1.     Make a detailed plan. Define your goal clearly and specifically, brainstorm possible ways to achieve it, then choose the next three “best steps” for reaching it. I often schedule “to do” items right on my calendar so that I take time to get to them the same way I set aside time for a meeting or other obligation.

2.     Use positive “self-coaching.” The way we talk to ourselves is often the key to how we feel and how we respond. Negative self-talk such as, “I’m no good at this,” or “I’ll never be able to do this,” or even, “I don’t have time for this,” often ends up shutting us down and making it nearly impossible for us to move forward on a task. Changing our self-coaching to positive thoughts such as, “I can do this,” or “This really should only take me an hour, and then I can do something fun,” can generate positive emotions that help us achieve our goals.

3.     Ask someone to be your coaching partner. Like an “accountability partner,” this person knows about your goal, is willing to check with you regularly to see if you’ve done the various steps which will help you achieve it, and may be able to provide additional strategies and suggestions for “getting around to it.” I have friends who help hold me accountable to my goals, along with my husband and children. Not only are they my cheerleaders who keep me going and applaud my success, but they encourage and console me when I’m struggling.

Is there something you need to get around to doing? I hope you get around to it this week!