Last week I wrote about the life lessons that my youngest son has learned already in the first year of his life. Since I believe that many of us lose sight of these valuable lessons over time, I’ve turned those into challenges for each of us to consider as we move into 2012:

1.     NOURISHING: Are your basic needs getting met? Do you do a good job of advocating for and pursuing (for yourself and others) a healthy diet, adequate sleep, relaxation, and recreation, healthy diet and exercise, medical care, inspiration, motivation, new information, supportive relationships, sufficient income to meet basic needs of transportation, lodging, clothing, etc.? Do you have negative things in your life (bad relationships, addictions, etc.) which cause more harm than good?

2.     GROWING: As our basic needs get met (if we don’t get stuck in the nourishing phase—waiting for someone else to meet our needs), we can focus on growing in a variety of areas: physically (including self-care skills), mentally, emotionally, socially, spiritually, financially, morally and ethically, and in skills for independence and interdependence. Are you growing? What have you learned in the past year? What steps have you taken to keep growing this year? How are you being intentional about helping others to grow?

3.     CONNECTING: We all need opportunities and abilities that enable us to connect in meaningful ways with other people, at home, at school, in the workplace, in a place of worship, and other community venues. Are you connecting with others? Are you encouraging and assisting those in your care (your children, students, colleagues, employees, etc.) to connect successfully with others? Usually, success does not come in isolation.

4.     CONTRIBUTING: We all have gifts to share with others (time, talents, material goods, financial support, and practical assistance). And as we give back, we typically find that our needs (many of the items in number 1, above) are getting met, providing the nourishment we need to keep growing, connecting, and contributing! Are you and your family members contributing, at home and in your community?

These are the ingredients for healthy living—a sustainable model of growing personally and interpersonally that will help us experience success throughout our lives. We begin to learn these lessons already in infancy, and have countless opportunities to keep growing throughout our lives. The challenge is to personally assess where we’re doing well, and where our growth is stunted, or “dead wood” is appearing.

If you are living or working with individuals with autism, you will likely find that you need to be particularly intentional about growing, both in your personal life, and in helping individuals with ASD to grow. Both stress, and the inherent difficulties associated with autism, can stunt growth and get people “stuck.” Yet I’ve seen countless examples of deliberate steps people take in these areas, which lead to very positive outcomes for themselves and others.

Best wishes as you work to grow personally and interpersonally in the year ahead!

Laurel Falvo

 Years ago I became acquainted with the poem, “All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten,” by Robert Fulghum. It’s an interesting look at basic life lessons—the type learned on the playground or in a kindergarten classroom-- which serve us well throughout our lives. The past year has given me a fresh perspective on life and its lessons. One year ago tomorrow, my fourth child was born. My other children are now 17, 15, and almost 10, so I wasn’t exactly a novice mom. However, experiencing the first year of life again with Noah has given me fresh admiration for the incredible amount of learning that takes place from the moment a child is born.

I’ve observed that in the first year of life, my child has learned the following:

1.     He has needs, and the way to get those met is to let others know about them. We all know how vocal a newborn can be about his/her needs. A baby cries when hungry, tired, wet, bored, or uncomfortable. Over the last several months, my son has become more deliberate in his efforts to get his needs met. He signs “more” when he wants something to eat or drink, or wants a fun activity repeated. He waves “bye-bye” when someone is leaving…or when he wants to go somewhere. He pulls on a pant-leg, delivers a toy, or makes eye contact with a person or object that interests him. Already by one year of age, a child is able to demonstrate an innate desire to communicate with others to get his/her needs met!

2.     Growing and learning is exciting! Although he obviously still needs lots of help, Noah seems to take great pride in doing things himself. He walked already at 10 months, and although he still gets carried around a lot, he enjoys going places on his own power.  Although it’s tempting to surround him with toys, or always find ways to entertain him, we see that “down time” encourages him to find ways to entertain himself—sometimes through getting into trouble, but more often through exploring and inventing creative activities.

3.     The most fun things in life are those that invoke a response from others. Already at one year of age, Noah loves to connect with others and to get a response from them. He pulls funny faces, waiting for us to laugh. He grabs Daddy’s hat off his head, waiting for Daddy’s mock, “Oh, no—you stole my hat!” He never tires of favorite books, knowing we’ll read them to him again and again. Naturally, he appears particularly drawn to the things that provoke negative responses. A stern, “No-no!” makes him more determined than ever to repeat what he’s doing, often with a giggle and a gleam in his eye, giving Mom and Dad lots of opportunities to show that we mean what we say!

4.     It’s fun to “help!” Even though things don’t always end up where they need to, Noah loves to “help” with basic chores around the house. He tries to take his turn emptying the dishwasher. He carries something across the room to deliver it to another family member. He empties his toys all over the floor of the living room (although he lacks the same enthusiasm for returning them to the toy box when he’s finished playing). He turns off his “music box” (what’s left of his mobile) before getting up from a nap. When we affirm his efforts, he learns that helping is another way to receive positive attention.

What I’ve noticed as I get older—and as I work with countless teens, young adults, and their families—is that although we learn many of these lessons already in the first year of life, we often lose sight of these lessons as we age. I’ll describe what I mean in next week’s Social Incites.

For now, happy birthday to Noah, and to all of you, whenever your birthday may be, I wish you childlike enthusiasm for life, learning, and connecting with and helping others!

Laurel Falvo

Far, farther, farthest.

High, higher, highest.

Hard, harder, hardest.

Good, better, best

Do you remember doing this in elementary school? We learn to name comparisons between words, organizing them from least to greatest.

Yet this represents an interesting phenomenon to me as a social coach.

For some reason, many of us, when faced with a suggestion or challenge to go farther, climb higher, or work harder, assume that our starting point must then be “bad.” We become defensive or withdrawn. We feel depressed, or resent the thought that our efforts should be “better.” We might be tempted to give up. The results can be crippling to our relationships and our personal progress.

What strategy can we use to overcome this tendency, so that we can still experience success?

1.     Recognize that each of these comparisons represents a continuum. None of them starts at a “negative.” Instead, each has a starting point that shows that we’re on a journey, and looking forward.

2.     Define your goal. Where are you headed? If we think we need to be THE farthest, highest, or best, it may seem overwhelming. However, if we focus on the middle word, always striving to go farther, climb higher, work harder, or do better, we may find that we’ve come farther than we ever have before, we’ve climbed higher than we thought possible, we’ve worked harder than we knew we could, and we’ve made the best use of our time and abilities.

3.     Don’t look back; look forward! Whatever your starting point is, keep your eyes on your goal, and keep putting one foot in front of the other to make sure we’re moving forward on this journey.

Regardless of how you feel about yourself as a spouse, parent, grandparent, teacher, student, therapist, friend, sibling, etc., I hope you’ll challenge yourself and those around you to be the best you can be, striving in 2012 to go farther, climb higher, work harder, and do better!

Happy New Year!

Laurel Falvo, CFLE

Certified Family Life Educator