Are you familiar with the saying, “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder?” It’s a great reminder that what one person perceives as “beauty” may be very different from what another person thinks is beautiful. I’m reminded of that every time I visit an art museum. I wish I had more creative ability when it comes to putting visual images on canvas. But sometimes I can’t help but wonder how a particular piece could have ended up displayed at a famous museum, as I muse, “I could have done that!”

Not only beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So are many social characteristics, such as usefulness, helpfulness (I wrote about that a couple of weeks ago), and even “social” itself! Often, we may have an opinion of how we’re doing socially, yet it’s others (the “beholders”) who determine whether or not we’re successful.

The key to understanding this is in accepting that we each have our own unique CONTEXT, made up of our own experiences and how we feel about them, our knowledge, interests, abilities, personality, and more. Our unique individual CONTEXT becomes the “lens” through which we behold all of life. We make judgments about other people and situations based on our own CONTEXT. This is the basis of my educational tool, “The Social Response Pyramid™.”

It’s important to understand this, for two reasons. First, we need to identify and appreciate—and work to meet-- the expectations that others have for us. Those “beholders” will help determine our success! Second, we need to understand that others’ unique CONTEXTS may color the way they perceive and interact with us, and as we remind ourselves that our social success is “in the eye of the beholder,” we can be more gentle with ourselves and others as we consider the meaning of social success.

I hope we can all be “gentle beholders” as we consider the beauty, usefulness, helpfulness, and social success of ourselves and others this week!

Earlier this year, I wrote a Social Incites entitled, “First Year Lessons for Lifelong Success.” It detailed four components-- “nourishing, growing, connecting, and contributing”--that I believe are necessary for healthy, well-balanced living, and deliberate personal and interpersonal growth.
 
My husband and I developed a lesson on these components last summer to challenge our children to spend their summer deliberately growing. It was exciting to see how our children rose to the challenge presented by the “Summer Growth Chart!” They liked the opportunity to make most of their own choices for how they would spend their time. Through the summer weeks, they got better at identifying creative ways to engage their minds, be productive, and interact with others in meaningful ways. Our family summer chore list got completed as the kids stepped through various projects around the house! And they grew financially, not only because they earned money, but because they learned valuable lessons about tracking their income and expenses, saving, and donating to worthy causes.
 
We will soon be implementing the “Summer Growth Chart” for a second summer. Yet the lessons learned last summer are still evident! Our son who was mowing the neighbor’s lawn has already mowed once this season. Our daughter has been writing notes to her cousin and grandparents without prompting. And video games are only requested very infrequently—our kids are too busy growing personally and interpersonally to default to those!
 
When I spoke for the Autism Society of Minnesota’s conference last month, several attendees requested the “Summer Growth Chart” after hearing how I implemented that at home. I now have that document available for purchase as a pdf download. I hope that it will help parents structure learning and growth opportunities at home, to allow yourselves and your children to grow personally and interpersonally! 

I’ve often thought that the best kind of help is the help that I don’t need to help with. For example, I love it when my kids help me by preparing food in the kitchen, then cleaning up after themselves. Or my husband goes to the grocery store to purchase the items on our list, freeing me up to do other things. Or when someone in the workplace says, “I’ll take care of that!” and it gets done professionally and completely, without me having to step in and intervene.

This past week my 15-month-old son reminded me that there’s another important kind of help. I took him to the office with me while I processed a few orders. To keep him “occupied,” I gave him some cheese crackers to munch on while I worked. Within minutes, he was busy “helping” me! He sat on the floor next to me, transferring many of his crackers to the carpet, which he then proceeded to step on and diminish to a pile of crumbs. As I packaged one customer’s order, he watched me insert Styrofoam packing peanuts, and attempted to add some of his cheese crackers to the package’s contents. Although he was extremely frustrated when I wouldn’t let him do that, he moved on to arranging his crackers, one-by-one, on the bookshelves holding the books.

When I finished my work, I stepped back to survey the office, and was dismayed to note that it appeared as though a mini tornado had zipped through the bookstore, library, playroom, and packing areas. When I turned to look at the pint-sized tornado standing by my side, he was grinning from ear-to-ear, and clapping his hands as he surveyed his handiwork! The postal service workers got a chuckle when I later showed up at the post office with my packages and my little “helper,” and we discovered another stash of crackers in the bottom of the crate I was using to transport the boxes.

In my teaching and coaching, I talk about the importance of four components of healthy, well-balanced life: Nourishing, Growing, Connecting, and Contributing. Although Noah’s “help” created much more work for me, he was actively engaged in each of these areas as he spent time at the office with me this week. Toddlers have a need to explore, create, and be acknowledged. He was busy learning and growing as he watched me and experimented with his own ways of “helping.” His activities helped him connect with me and with the people at the post office. And probably most importantly, he was creating ways to “contribute,” using his time and abilities to make a difference in my life and the lives of other people he connects with.

What a great lesson for all of us! Sometimes the “help” we receive is really no help at all to us. (In fact, in the hour I spent at the office that day, I probably got about 15 minutes of work done, and will spend another 15 minutes cleaning when I go back this week!) But the opportunity to “help” can be a tremendous gift to others as they participate in meaningful activities that enable them to be nourished, and to grow, connect, and contribute. And in the process, we can be blessed as we appreciate their efforts, and take time to enjoy their presence, and perhaps take time to thank people who have allowed us to “help” them even when we were really no “help” at all!

Best wishes to all of you as you help…and are helped by…others in your life!

In past issues of the Social Incites™ and The SUN News (the precursor to this current publication), I have described the importance of social understanding. I trust that most, if not all of you, share the conviction that social understanding is a vital part of promoting success for ALL of us, including those with autism spectrum disorders.

So how do we convey that to our children? I once had a discussion with one of my sons which might serve as a helpful model. I used as an illustration a "balance scale;" the kind that has a cup on each side, to which weight is added or taken away to enable the scale to even out in the middle, or to balance. Any changes to the scale (adding or taking away weight from either side), disturbs the balance. To restore the balance, weight needs to be added or taken away from the opposite side.

I explained to my son that a relationship is much like the balance scale. In a perfect world, every relationship would always be precisely balanced. However, relationships are "organic," in the sense that they are always growing and changing. In truth, relationships generally struggle to maintain a rather delicate balance, which is frequently and easily upset by unkind or insensitive words, neglectful or hurtful acts, inattention to detail, etc. Very quickly the relationship scale is lopsided. However, in a relationship, particularly one which recognizes the importance of social understanding, the participants work hard to regain balance. Situations can be "repaired" and balance restored through the use of apologies (and forgiveness), kind acts or words, a desire to understand what went wrong, and a resolve to try new, more helpful strategies in the future.

I reminded my son that when he is discouraged by a lopsided relationship, where misunderstanding, sadness, hurt, jealousy, anger, or frustration are present, that this is simply a sign that it is time to rebalance; to choose a strategy to repair the damage and restore balance to the relationship.

Naturally, this will work better in some relationships than others. In fact, professional intervention may be necessary when a relationship is characterized by one person's need for power and control. In extreme cases, this may lead to bullying or even abuse, when one person is determined to maintain an unbalanced relationship, to the detriment of the other person. (In the presence of such relationships, a “break”—whether temporary or more long-term—may be needed for physical and emotional protection).

My son and I both appreciated the opportunity to view relationships through a practical and visual illustration which emphasizes the opportunity to continue to work to achieve comfortable balance with other people. Since then, we have used the analogy often to understand and appreciate the changing dynamics in family and peer relationships. We hope you will find this to be helpful, too!

 When my daughter was younger, she used to love to teeter-totter with her older brothers. However, she was at a real disadvantage in that activity because she weighed dozens of pounds less than they do. Left to her own resources, she would spend the entire time in the air while they sat on the ground- definitely a dull prospect for both of the participants! Rather than fault her for being too light, I stepped in and provided modifications to enhance her success. Giving a push on her side of the teeter-totter dropped her to the ground, and releasing her brought squeals of delight as she rose up high into the air again.

A social interaction is much like a teeter-totter. It takes two or more participants to engage in a social interaction, and both--or all--need to be working hard, paying attention, and making necessary adjustments to ensure the success of the interaction.

Much of what society views as “success” (graduation, completion of a task, a promotion, winning an award, owning a home, or going up and down on a teeter-totter) is based on--or is achieved only through--an ability to be successful in social interactions.

Like my daughter’s struggle to teeter-totter with brothers who weigh more than twice as much as she does, a large percentage of the population struggles to be successful in social interactions. In fact, one in 89-150 people is diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder (ASD). Due to the nature of this diagnosis, most of them find that their greatest hurdle in life is interacting successfully with other people…

Autism is more than a diagnosis. People with ASD are children, siblings, students, college students, grandchildren, parents, grandparents, and friends. They may be professors, scientists, bus drivers, or factory workers. They connect with us at home, school, or in various places in the community, including our workplaces. They have much to offer us, beginning with their unique--and often refreshing--perspective on life.

We can play an important role in promoting social understanding as we work to balance the social teeter-totter with individuals with ASD. Rather than dwelling on their differences or difficulties and watching them squirm, adults and peers, family members, friends, and colleagues are capable of stepping in and giving explanations, accepting differences, or making modifications to ensure their success. Approached in this balanced manner, social interactions are much more enjoyable—and successful-- for everyone!

© 2006 Laurel A. Falvo, originally written for The Gray Center’s “SUN News” and published in The Grand Rapids Press.

 

My four children are pretty good eaters. Even if not always their choice, they know our house rules of eating a healthy variety from all food groups. (For those of you who are jealous of this, I should clarify that it wasn’t always this way—I had two children go through feeding therapy when they were young, and eating has often been a struggle). I remember when one of my kids faced a particular food, clamped his mouth shut tight, and mumbled through his closed mouth, “I don’t like that!” Knowing that he would like the food if he tried it, I insisted that he have just one bite. Not surprisingly to me (but surprising to him), he was soon in pursuit of a second helping!

My son was convinced that he wouldn’t like the food, even though he had never tried it. How often do we make up our minds about something, even though we have no personal prior experience with it? We decide we don’t like a new colleague because she reminds us of someone else we know, or she took the place of a colleague who had become a close friend. We’re convinced we won’t agree with or like a particular book because of a review we’ve read. We carry prejudices against a person or group of people because of what our parents told us years ago. We dislike a type of animal, or a hobby, or a certain food, because a family member or friend dislikes it. Or we favor one particular brand of beverage, food, or restaurant, or use some product—and are convinced that we wouldn’t like the “other” brand—because it’s what we’ve always used. It seems that often our minds are “set in stone.” Opinions, expectations, perceptions, etc. are solidified and are unlikely to change voluntarily.

Once I spent a few days in Florida with my extended family. My 10-year-old nephew set about crafting a beautiful alligator in the sand. His sculpture looked very realistic when it was done! Fortunately, I was able to take some photos of it to enhance the memory of the occasion, because with time, the sand sculpture was sure to disappear. Waves, rain, or tourists’ footsteps eventually change the terrain so that new creations can take the place of this one. Unlike artwork crafted in stone, the shifting sands allow for diverse creative expression, as well as correcting mistakes along the way.

Obviously, there are some morals and values that we should adhere to without bending. These are the absolutes in life, which should be set in stone. However, when it comes to our thoughts and perceptions about and attitudes toward other people and other ways of doing things, do our minds tend to be set in stone? If so, we may be missing opportunities to form new friendships, broaden our social and emotional repertoire, and to expand our personal, social, and professional horizons!

One of my favorite aspects of working for The Gray Center has been meeting people with a diagnosis of an autism spectrum disorder (ASD). I find them to be genuine, interesting, honest, and talented. Their perspectives on life are unique, and often their ability to focus on one thing, or to notice minute details, puts this "too busy to notice or sit still for long" person to shame.

I know that their challenges are real, and are apparent not only to them, but also to those who live with them and work with them. However, all too often their abilities go unnoticed or under-appreciated, and their contributions to society may be less than they could be if we would do more to enable and encourage them.

April is Autism Awareness Month. I recently asked some young people with autism, “What do you want others to know about autism?” Here are their responses:

-       We don’t want sympathy…we don’t want to be mistreated or misunderstood.

-       People with autism grow up to be adults. We want to have freedom, to be independent, and to be treated as adults.

-       Just because they’re different doesn’t mean people with autism shouldn’t be able to make their own decisions.

-       Many people with autism have something in addition to ASD, including anxiety, ADHD, or something else.

-       Having autism is not the same as having a low IQ.

Do you hear what I hear in these responses? Autism awareness shouldn’t be about a diagnosis, statistics, or a set of differences or disabilities. Autism awareness needs to be about PEOPLE, who are so much more than a diagnosis. Yes, they also have feelings, dreams, needs, abilities, interests, unique personalities, and expectations…just like everyone else.

Autism Awareness Month is a great time to deliberately reach out to people with ASD to let them know that they are noticed and appreciated for who they are. We can take time to listen as they discuss their interests. We can write a note or Social Story(TM), or create a poster or a scrapbook congratulating them on an achievement, big or small, or letting them know we love them. We can find a way for them to use their gifts in meaningful ways. We can help them learn more about themselves in an effort to develop a healthy self-esteem and self-awareness.

I hope this month will be about PEOPLE AWARENESS, and not just “diagnosis awareness.” We have suggestions for ways you can be involved on our Gray Center calendar at www.thegraycenter.org/calendar. And to all of my friends with ASD, thank you for enriching my life and helping me to become more understanding of others!

I receive many emails each week, most of which are legitimate requests for help or sources of valuable information. Many others are “spam,” which I delete in spite of their urging me to “click here” or “forward to everyone you know.”

One unexpected email seemed like an appropriate “Social Incite” to pass along to all of you. It is a humorous look at our English language (or at least our American English). As we consider the language and communication differences of people with autism spectrum disorders, this piece illustrates the challenges that we present to people who tend to interpret things literally!

The title of this piece is simply “UP,” and it was forwarded from a group called Agathon:

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.

At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP !

Did this one crack you UP?

If laughter truly is the best medicine, I hope your Monday has been brightened UP by today’s Social Incites!

I recently heard that the American snack cakes “Twinkies” by Hostess Brands are in danger of disappearing off grocery store shelves because of financial difficulties. Granted, I haven’t purchased or eaten a “Twinkie” in countless years. Yet I was saddened by the news that this icon from my youth may no longer be available as a fond reminder of my early years, nor will my grandchildren be able to experience this packaged treat. I don’t believe that I can (or would want to) single-handedly help “Twinkies” stage a comeback, but I plan to purchase a box next time I’m at the store, just to show my support and ensure that my children have an opportunity to create a joint memory with me of Hostess cakes.

Whether or not you care that “Twinkies” may soon be history (or whether or not you even know they ever existed), I have a related question for you today. Can you imagine life (yours or your children’s) without The Gray Center?

We are a very small nonprofit organization, with an annual budget less than $100,000. We respond to needs and provide valuable services around the world with a budget that provides for only 45 staffing hours per week. We receive no government funding. We receive no private grants. We charge minimal prices for our services, knowing that the people who need them often do not have the money to pay for them. In the past, we relied on the sales of books and DVDs to fund our budget so that we can provide our services. With the rise of Amazon and e-readers, that is no longer feasible.

Will you do your part to show support for the work we do, and help to ensure that we can continue to be here for you, your children, and your grandchildren?

While your gift of $25, $100, or even $500 will not meet all of The Gray Center’s needs, your show of support, combined with the gifts of everyone else reading this email, may be exactly what we need to stage a powerful comeback. If you are unable to give at this time, perhaps you can arrange for someone else (a friend, relative, employer, or local business) to give in your place.

What does The Gray Center mean to you? Who have you told? How much have you given? I hope that today will be the day that The Gray Center outpaces Twinkies, for so much more is at stake in the lives of our families, schools, workplaces, and communities. We believe that this Social Incites™ newsletter, Social Stories™, The Social Response Pyramid™, our web site, presentations, groups, classes, library, and bookstore meet a crucial need today, and will far into the future, if only you will help support us.

Will you give a gift today?

Thank you in advance for your support, your help in advertising The Gray Center, your encouragement, and your financial contributions. We literally can’t do it without you!

Statistics show that only one or two of the thousands of people reading this email will respond by giving. If everyone decides to be the ONE that gives, The Gray Center could have the support it needs, not only to survive, but to thrive, with opportunities to increase our services and reach even more people with our information and support.

For the last few weeks, I have spent almost every evening in the hospital visiting a friend. She’s been struggling with issues related to depression, bi-polar, ADHD, anxiety, and difficulty regulating medications. We’ve laughed, cried, and prayed together, and reminisced about the good times we’ve shared since high school (that’s a lot of years!).

One night last week, my friend was quite distraught over an altercation she had with a staff member earlier in the day. She talked about the hurtful things the person had said, the pain augmented by the fact that it was done angrily, and in public. The stress that resulted was almost more than my friend could handle, and she indicated that she wasn’t likely to get any sleep again that night.

She was particularly upset that the person who had clashed with her was one of the hospital’s “DBT trainers.” DBT is “Dialectical Behavior Therapy,” the method taught each day to all of the patients to help them get in touch with their emotions, manage those effectively, and find ways to connect effectively with each other. My friend lamented that the staff person was clearly better at teaching the method than she was at using it to control her own interactions with others. Then she added, “I go to the classes, but I just don’t understand any of it...There has to be an easier way!”

I grabbed a piece of paper and a pencil, and began to teach my friend the “Social Response Pyramid™.” After just a few minutes, my friend said, “I understand this! It is so much easier than DBT. It actually makes sense to me!” Visiting hours ended about ten minutes later. As she walked me to the door, my friend thanked me, and said that she was feeling much calmer, and knew she wouldn’t be losing any sleep over the issue. She had a better understanding of what had happened, and had a plan for what to do the next morning when she encountered the staff person again.

For me, that’s the beauty of the simple tool I’ve developed. The Social Response Pyramid™ is easy to teach and use, and typically “makes sense” to people; even those who struggle to understand social interactions on their own. I’ve often seen it diffuse anger or anxiety, and help people come up with valuable “next steps” for identifying and moving toward their goals.

Yet this isn’t a tool only for those who struggle due to mental, physical, or emotional functioning, financial or family circumstances, health issues, relationship difficulties, loneliness, etc. Like the staff members my friend encountered, I find that I need to use The Social Response Pyramid™, and a variety of other strategies, to continue to better understand myself and others, and to be more effective in my social interactions.

Whether you use the Social Response Pyramid™, or any of the many other strategies available today, hopefully you will continue to experience success, both in your personal life, as well as in your work with people who rely on you to come alongside them to teach, support, remind, and encourage.